HeavenOrHell Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I don't understand why you said >but when time started flying he had done none of the things required to make this happen. For me, it didn't matter one bit if he did or did not < This reads like you weren't bothered if he moved or not, I'm confused Sorry to butt in OP. The whole moving thing was also a huge issue in my relationship. I suggested when we first started talking that perhaps in the future he should consider moving there, since I already committed myself to law school in the Netherlands. But last time he moved from Nova Scotia to British Columbia his health took a turn for the worst, and I understood that if he were ever to move again that he would be afraid for his health (diabetes). Anyway, he said it wasn't a problem and that he would do everything in his power to move to me, but when time started flying he had done none of the things required to make this happen. For me, it didn't matter one bit if he did or did not but the fact that he simply couldn't tell me that he wasn't planning on moving and made me feel that he did want to did obviously. Its a huge commitment. Its understandable why partners are afraid to make this leap, moving is stressful and then this will initially at least affect your relationship as well because your partner has no one but you until they settle down in this place. The fact that he ended up telling me a year and some later that he made the decision for himself to not move wasn't hurtful, but why wasn't this something we could solve together or was told to me earlier than a year. When we broke up he accused me of guilting him a lot, but for me I never demanded anything from him except to either do what he says or share his wants and desires in life. I thought I was motivating him or steering him to this direction, but that's impossible when someone has made up their mind and is simply not telling the other person about it. I keep beating myself up over it, how could everything have gotten so messed up and why did I so strongly feel that this would be my life partner. He let go of me rather quickly, and went as far as to say that he has no interest of talking to me, and that he will never consider being with me again. So I have zero hope of thinking things would work out for us in the future, as he told me not to hope for that. I just feel cheated, if he or any other LD partner was honest about this issue then how would the reaction have been? I never got the chance to hear up front how he felt about things, he just always told me everything he wanted lined up with mine...till 3 weeks ago when they really didn't and they never really did. I'm just very confused/heartbroken and I'm sure he's golfing and having a wonderful time in Nova Scotia.
HeavenOrHell Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Hi Erwin, you said in a recent post that you were sure you wouldn't be getting back together and that you're not even sure she is the right woman for you anymore, and that you'd like a friendship with her if nothing else. In your heart would you be happy with just friendship? If she never starts talking to you as a partner again, but only as a friend, would you be ok with that. Are you continually hoping she will say something loving to you, or give some indication she wants to try again? If she told you today she's met someone else, would you be ok with that? I think you could answer yes only if you are truly happy with settling for just friendship and have no hope of getting back with her. My partner has always said if we split then he does not want to lose my f/ship and I know he means this, he's close to his ex still too, but if we split he knows I will need NC for a while before we can be friends again and he's fine with that, he just doesn't wan to lose me altogether. My ex left me after 18 years, the most painful, horrible time of my life, but after some NC time (only took a few weeks of NC, 7 months after we split) I was able to let go of any hope of reconciliation and start afresh as friends, and it's worked, he's with an (ex) friend of mine now (long story), but it's all ok now, he's a friend for life and that's so important. My advice would be; if you are hoping at all to reconcile then go NC for as long as it takes, before I went NC I said to my ex, is there any hope of getting back together, and he said no that he fancies other people now, the most painful thing ever to hear, but I needed to hear it from him before I could let go, it was then more painful to keep in touch than it was to go NC. I only needed a month or so of NC though and was able to be friends, as I said; this was about 7 months after we split, I'd been hanging on all that time hoping against hope Assume she is not coming back, to save your sanity. She knows where if you she wants to talk to you urgently, but just assume that she won't and get on with your life, hopefully when you healed you will be able to be friends again. Concentrate on your life at home, and make it as fulfilling and happy as you possibly can. Please keep us posted When I found out she was seeing someone weeks after we split, believe me - it was worst then the breakup itself. I don't have to more. A lot of us here know how it feels. Truth is, we're talking but that's about it. She talks to many people, and she's been friendly and nothing more. She doesn't give anything away. I'm always the one contacting her. And she doesn't ask a whole lot if anything about my work and life in general. So while she seems happy to talk, her focus is elsewhere (her work mostly) or at least not on me at all right now. But she's been responding and friendly so I can't ask for much more than that for now. the hard part is pulling back and not contacting her too much, which I don't always succeed - and that is important otherwise invariable it's going to make me look bad and needy and possibly turn her away. Many times I wonder if it's better for me to just let go. The more I talk to her, the more I lament this lost love, and the less healed I get. I do this and whatever happens to me, I deserve it. The future is unclear. So many things need to change for us to have a chance to be back together again. I don't even know how she feels about me now, except she's willing to be friendly. That's what I want to know. If at some point she tells me she's sure we can't be together again, then I will likely walk away. I suppose that's closure... Meantime, I still don't know what tomorrow will bring - joy or heartache or hope or despair or delusion.
Author Erwin2475 Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 What I meant was I don't see the two of us back together again the way we were. The old r'ship is over. Even if I want, I can't take her back just like that now. I'll need to be convinced that she believes and is prepared to work towards a future. Right now that's not her, so basically my guard has to be up. Of course I'm not happy being just friends - my hope is that a renewed friendship could open up new outlooks and opportunities. We started off as friends, so I'd like to see where it could go again. If it goes down the same path, there's little point in that. So there needs to be changes from both sides. I have to say that in the short-term, that is unlikely, at least on her part, because she is quite focused on her life and work back home now. If she told me today that she's met someone and is happy, and really just wishes to be friends and nothing more, I'll probably back off and not contact her again, but let her know that we're cool. I suppose that would be proper closure. I think I'll be ok. I've gone through 2-3 darkest months of my life to be able to think clearly now and accept that life goes on either way. Right now, I don't now what she's feeling or thinking. I'm hoping with more conversation she might open up a bit more. She's not a very communicative person by nature. I actually think I need to make a trip to her country and meet her face-to-face one time - or one last time even. right now I'm trying to be patient, and hopefully we get comfortable enough. We do what we feel we need to - whether it's to walk away, go NC or try things to give it another shot or even give ourselves some kind of closure. Truth is most breakups don't reconcile, so just be realistic and do what's best for you so you can move on peacefully and look forward to tomorrow.
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