loverboy1984 Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Over 3 months ago my 6yr relationship ended after I confronted my ex about kissing a guy, then she asked for a break and when I asked her to make up her mind she broke up. We went NC for 2.5 months then I broke NC by texting her and wishing her well on an exam she had. She responded immediately and wished me the same but told me she would call me the next day after she moved in. She called me 10 days later, and I ignored it because I was put off by how long it took. I texted her a week later and was friendly and she was too then I asked for closure and she told me this: "Breaking up with you was the hardest thing I have ever done. I just felt that we were having the same arguements and it was not healthy and we both needed to be free to grow. I still love you but I cant be in a relationship now and need to put my love into my school and career. I feel like I could not love you the way you deserved to be loved. I also dont believe how we could grow freely after the hurt we caused each other. I also feel like I lost myself with you and I need to find myself again I asked her if she is seeing anyone now and she said: Yes I am dating someone but we just started this summer and taking it slow I then asked who is this guy and is it the same guy you kissed 3 months ago? and she said yes but wouldnt give me a name. When I asked why do you say you lost your self and cant be in a relationship but your dating someone? she said : I learn about myself through others. When I asked her how come last time we saw each other everything was good and we celebrated our 6yrs with no problem and you were happy? she said: I was forcing myself (note: I dont believe this since she came to my house 10 days early from school so she can get ready for me and be there when I came home) NOTE: NON OF THIS MAKES SENSE AND ITS ALL CONTRADICTORY. Now keep in mind this same girl always told me that we were meant to be together and that she wants to marry me and such. She also always said how we fit so well together and our arguements are usually quickly resolved and never over fundamental things but over stupid little things. The hurt she is talking about is the fact that I took a month break from her awhile back to focus on school and possibly date. I did this because I had not been with anyone for 6yrs and wanted to make sure I was ready for the next step. I kept her in the loop, talked to her every day and even told her about anyone I was seeing and reassured her nothing would happen. Her hurt she caused me is cheating on me now while I was studying for my medical board exam and causing me to sink into depression when I needed to focus. I just cant believe how two people, me and her, who have careers around solving problems cant communicate to address these. I will be an MD in a yr and she is studying to get her Phd in Clinical Psychology. Here are my questions: What do you think of her reasons? Is this GIGS? Is her real reason the fact that shes in a new environment and wants to date someone and blinded by that and trying to rationalize her decision? will she regret this decision? Thanks you!
lalalandman Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 (edited) Ok so it was a mistake to contact her first. Secondly, being nice to her was a bad move. Plus, you questioned her a ton. I'm sure she was just tickled to tell you the news of this other guy. Now if you take a look at her message, there are some very key items to be aware of. "Breaking up with you was the hardest thing I have ever done." She wants you to feel like this important person who has had a major impact on her, which may be true, but all breakups are tough. What I'm saying is, she is trying to instill in you a sense of importance in her life, past and present. It's sort of like fake words of encouragement. "I just felt that we were having the same arguements and it was not healthy and we both needed to be free to grow." Fair statement. I'll give her that one. "I still love you but I cant be in a relationship now and need to put my love into my school and career." This is a very manipulative statement. VERY. She's attempting to keep you on a string. She wants you to think she still cares about you and there is a chance for reconciliation later. Plus, she's seeing another guy, so I'm sure she's putting her LOVE somewhere else other than school and career, if you know what I'm sayin'. And think about it, she's sort of playing him if she's not willing to be in a relationship. And perhaps she thinks you'll move on for good if you know she's actually locked into a real relationship, and she doesn't want that. "I feel like I could not love you the way you deserved to be loved." Oh **** that. Dude, that statement right there, should be the kicker. If she truly loved you, for you, this would not be an issue. "I also dont believe how we could grow freely after the hurt we caused each other. I also feel like I lost myself with you and I need to find myself again." She wanted to end it on a downer for you my friend. TO make sure you're still wallowing in self pity. She wants to be sure you're still suffering. TO hell with that dude. Let me tell you something...she's selfish. She's not over you entirely, that's for sure. She still loves you. But she's manipulative. If she was over you, she would have either ignored you, or said something to the tune of Ew Go away. I feel bad for that guy too. Sooner or later, he'll get played. My suggestion is Move On. She's not worth it. And I guarantee you, that you will not get any sense that she's interested in you until A. You move on and don't give a crap anymore, at which time maybe you won't ever want her back B. You start seeing someone else or C. Her and that dude have a falling out The unfortunate part is that you need to start at ground zero again. That's rough dude. But here's what you do. I would suggest to get out there and start the numbers game. That's all it is dude, a numbers game. You'll meet someone. Get out in the field again man. Strike up conversations and meet new people. And when you do meet someone nice, DONT DWELL ON THE EX. Take my advice man. I promise you, it will work. Go meet someone new. Edited June 23, 2011 by lalalandman
Author loverboy1984 Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 First of all thanks so much for the detailed response. I really appreciate it. I was so good at NC but i felt like I was asking myself the same questions which is why is straight up asked her for closure. Its wierd because she was contacting my family like everything was ok. She lived with them for 2yrs and they did alot for her. She doesnt really have a family. I thought it was wierd that she didnt talk to me but them during the 3hr closure conversation, she was talking alot and was emotional the whole time. Which was different than when she broke up with me which she felt distant. She admited that she was a an A-hole for the way she did things and that she has issues such as being maleable. At the end of the conversation I asked her how do you feel about me and she said "are you sure you want to hear this?" and I said yes and she replied "I love you." I dont think shes stringing me along but I do think she is miles ahead of me as far as moving on goes. We are both grad students and much of our relationship was LDR but we would still see each other and right now I was supposed to be there with her finaly but she pulled this. I just dont understand why someone could drop me like a hat after 6yrs. I honestly think she has GIGS. she had no social life prior to moving to NY to go to grad school. This girl had it all. Me: a handsome, loving guy, who is committed and was going to purpose next summer(she didnt know this tho). I will be a doctor next yr. All my family loved her. now shes with a guy who just broke off and engagement and went with another girl and after a yr broke that off and is now dating my ex. This is a double rebound. My ex told me she wants to focus on herself and school but she partied hard after our break up and ended up failing an important test. Im doing ok. Im seeing people, dating, but its not the same. I still think of her alot. I wish she comes back....but I wont take her back if she does. I just want to call her out on her BS and have her realize what she lost.
betterdeal Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Sounds like a pyrrhic victory if ever there was one. You want to hurt someone you care about? Really?
PegNosePete Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 NOTE: NON OF THIS MAKES SENSE AND ITS ALL CONTRADICTORY. Wow, an ex talking BS? That never happens does it?! This highlights the danger of breaking NC too early and seeking closure from her. Closure comes from within.
Forget About Her Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Very similar situation to me (minus the other guy, I think). I was with my ex for 6 years, and we broke up while both in law school (luckily, different law schools. She didn't get into mine, haha). I know how you feel bro, honestly, she doesn't sound like a good chick. She's playing games, and someone in your position (like me) deserves a lot better. I made the decision to not take back my ex of 6 years under any condition. You need to really establish a mind-set of "IT'S OVER". You'll find another chick to make you way happier, trust me, just don't rush it and date around. In the mean time, tag as much strange as possible man, you're going to be a f*cking doctor for christ sake. If med school is anything like law school, there is no shortage of talent.
Author loverboy1984 Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 Thanks everyone for your input. I dont think I broke NC too early. When she broke up with me I was so frustrated that I started yelling and saying your never gonna find anyone who treated you better and went on saying you dont deserve me, wish you luck bye! so it was out of character for me to yell and I didnt want that to be the last she saw of me. So after almost 3 months we had a talk with some casual and light moments and I found out from her what was up. Honestly I feel like her reasons were all rationalizations for GIGs and dating this new guy. She just finished her 1st yr in grad school and she is in a new environment and new friends and I think it got to her. I dont want her back and the only reason I want her to regret it is so that I can call her out on her BS excuses and rationale that it couldnt work. besides distance we had no other problems and I was about to move there this summer, and now im going to try not to. What bothers me most is that she said she was "forcing herself" back in January when she was with me and everything was great. I cant believe that. It will take time to get over it but I cant help becoming cynical and jaded and think next time I have a girlfriend and its great for say 4yrs I will think to myself well she was great up until now too then left me after 6.
betterdeal Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Mate, no good will come of all these questions you have. It will take time, but if you remind yourself that none of it matters you will eventually get over it. And man, it feels good. Change your phone number, lose contact, leave it behind. Do the post mortem when you're less emotional.
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