BetterDays Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 Something I've noticed is that many posters here almost always say the other person in the relationship is having an affair if that person distances themselves emotionally and goes out a lot. Is it always an affair? Could it be that the other person is just uncomfortable being at home and doesn't want to spend time there? Or maybe they really are just going out with friends often to try to work through their own pain of ending a marriage they, at one time, thought would be forever? This is a serious question. I'm curious if there are people out there who are leaving their marriage just because they don't love their spouse any longer and there is not an affair... emotional or physical.
reboot Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 No, of course it isn't always an affair.... but in the long run it pays to bet that way. Most people here don't say it's always an affair, most people here say certain behaviors mean you should look very closely into what's going on.
Author BetterDays Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 No, of course it isn't always an affair.... but in the long run it pays to bet that way. Most people here don't say it's always an affair, most people here say certain behaviors mean you should look very closely into what's going on. After all the threads I have read here, it seems that is often an affair. But I was also wondering if thinking that it was always an affair was a coping/defense mechanism on the part of the people being left behind. I mean, if your spouse is cheating on you, it's easier to get angry and it's easier to let go, I would imagine. I also feel that some behaviors on the one's doing the leaving that may be interrupted as cheating behavior might just be coping on their part. I have only been married once but I have been in a number of previous serious relationships where it really hurt to leave someone or they were hurt because they were leaving me. Mostly, because you didn't want to see the other person hurt because people generally don't like to hurt other people. Otherwise, you might just be a sociopath. But, if you're the one doing the leaving because you're not happy, I can see not wanting to spend time with your spouse, emotionally distancing yourself, not wanting intimacy, spending a lot of time "going out," being secretive and not letting them into your life. These are telltale signs of infidelity but I think they're also telltale signs that your relationship is going down the tubes. I don't think they both need to be correlated. I guess I'm asking for people's experiences to judge how often it really truly is OM or OW.
just_some_guy Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 I'm the leaver. No affair. I just couldn't stand to watch the spiral of self-destruction continue, the unbearable emotional outbursts and the stifling control she wanted to assert over me. Yes, I did isolate. Yes, I began keeping more to myself. It was a matter of self-preservation for me.
robf1971 Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Something I've noticed is that many posters here almost always say the other person in the relationship is having an affair if that person distances themselves emotionally and goes out a lot. Is it always an affair? Could it be that the other person is just uncomfortable being at home and doesn't want to spend time there? Or maybe they really are just going out with friends often to try to work through their own pain of ending a marriage they, at one time, thought would be forever? This is a serious question. I'm curious if there are people out there who are leaving their marriage just because they don't love their spouse any longer and there is not an affair... emotional or physical. The possibility of an affair needs to be eliminated as it requires a very different course of action. However in my case there was no affair, and she didn't "love me anymore". However 1 year later we are back together and our marriage is stronger than ever.
dontKnowMe Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 It's not always an affair. I gave the "I love you but am not in love with you" speech and there is no affair. My actions make me look like I'm having an affair which pisses me off. If I'm going to look guilty I ought to get something out of it!
Steadfast Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Interesting discussion. I've noticed a pattern of reaction from betrayed spouses. Very often, men are in denial ("my wife says she isn't having an affair and I believe her") while women are more suspicious and generally fear an emotional connection. In time, it's easy to recognize the 'cheating pattern of behavior' and it never ceases to amaze just how closely the human animal follows it. Although I don't agree with those who justify walking away from a marriage and vows of commitment, it is easier to have respect for those with the courage to leave before getting involved with another person. Perhaps the most painful aspect of cheating is the emotional abuse endured by a spouse who deceives, betrays and selfishly plays both ends against the middle. The combined shock of losing both love and respect is a devastating blow to the unprepared.
Author BetterDays Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 Interesting discussion. I've noticed a pattern of reaction from betrayed spouses. Very often, men are in denial ("my wife says she isn't having an affair and I believe her") while women are more suspicious and generally fear an emotional connection. In time, it's easy to recognize the 'cheating pattern of behavior' and it never ceases to amaze just how closely the human animal follows it. Although I don't agree with those who justify walking away from a marriage and vows of commitment, it is easier to have respect for those with the courage to leave before getting involved with another person. Perhaps the most painful aspect of cheating is the emotional abuse endured by a spouse who deceives, betrays and selfishly plays both ends against the middle. The combined shock of losing both love and respect is a devastating blow to the unprepared. Absolutely! Being fired from being a best friend, lover, spouse, and confidant is hard enough as it is. Toss in the added insult of infidelity, and talk about a hit to the self esteem. It's a complete lack of respect. I'm glad to see in the thread above that there are some leavers that were not cheaters even though others thought they were. This tells me that some people can and do have respect for their ex or stbx even though they don't want to be married to them any longer. I think it's very easy to suspect cheating when in a divorce/separation situation. But, I don't think there is always cheating. I can imagine that accusing someone of infidelity when there wasn't any would probably hurt one's chances of reconciliation. As would spying on the suspected cheater (and getting caught) just to find out if they are cheating. I can understand wanting to know really, really, really badly but, unless there is a legal reason for wanting to know, does it really matter in the long run? Maybe for some people infidelity would be the deal breaker for any kind of reconciliation and if they knew for sure, then they could move on with life.
tornintexas Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 It's not always an affair. I gave the "I love you but am not in love with you" speech and there is no affair. My actions make me look like I'm having an affair which pisses me off. If I'm going to look guilty I ought to get something out of it! It seems from what I've seen and read that it all comes out eventually. Whether or not you really are cheating will come to light one day. To follow the logic of I should do it because I'm accused of it is only rationalizing a bad choice. Keep your pants on until you are completely separated from your spouse emotionally, physically, and financially. Also you will most likely attract much better people if your not in a screwed up separation/divorce scenario. Much better to start with a clean slate and guilt free conscience.
coolheadal Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 (edited) Be consistent. Be on time. Do what you say you will do. Don't lie -- not even little white lies, to your partner or to others. Be fair, even in an argument. Be sensitive to the other's feelings. You can still disagree but don't discount how your partner is feeling. Call when you say you will. Call to say you'll be home late. Carry your fair share of the workload. Don't overreact when things go wrong. Never say things you can't take back. Don't dig up old wounds. Respect your partner's boundaries. Don’t be jealous. Be a good listener. If they follow this above they life would be a better place. But there are times the other side can have a bad up bringing, lets not forget that too. Staying in the house or out of the house. Going out or not going out is not the issue. It's what inside their brain it causing things to go as it is.. Sure we call can voice out hurt and I know mine is just as bad. Then again: Are You Spouses or Just Roommates after a time being with them so many years? Edited June 23, 2011 by coolheadal
Citizen-d Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 Well I was in a relationship with the girl of my dreams and after 6.5 years of being married and two great kids I got the i don't love you speach, I tried to make it work for seven months with the wife being cold and then when she left with the kids I found out about the other man and now four months later she is still with him and we are going through the divorce, I feel devastated I loved her and my kids and did not drink do drugs or be abusive yet she lied and denied and still does!! She almost put a rape charge against me because I did not leave the house, I spent 5 hours down tge cop shop giving a statment when she thretened me just to cover myself!!! We both come from loving homes so don't know how she could be so evil!! I'm broken at the moment but hope time will heal! Good luck I hope it is not an affair but my wife lied so much to my face I don't know who o married!
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