She Hates Me

[ShatteredDreams]

Hello, I had a much longer thread but this will be the short version.

 

Back in my senior year of high school a girl asked me out. I was never interested in the dating thing or relationships back then, I had 1 girlfriend before that, but this one gave me a feeling no other girl gave me. So we started going out, it was a bit rough at first but I fell in love with her hard.

There were a few problems, she had to be a secret from my family and people my family knew which made it hard to go out in public. I come from a Muslim family, and she is Black and from the Islands. I was living in fear that my family would disown me if they saw me with her. She was okay with it at first, then after about 8 months we started arguing. She started arguing with me over many different stupid things, the way I drove, the way I did things etc. She never trusted me and became extremely insecure. She would think I am cheating on her, keeping in contact with my ex, talking to other girls etc. But no, I was dead loyal to her, wouldn't even look at another girl.

 

We had a pretty unhealthy relationship, we pushed away all our friends and family and only had each other. I loved her to death and I thought she felt the same. I dedicated 2 and a half years of my life, every single day to her. I would do anything and everything she asked. God knows how much I loved her. But our arguments became nastier and nastier and we started insulting each others' physical appearance, and said a lot of really mean and nasty things to each other. As she accused me more and more, I started reaching a point that I would explode.

 

Things got bad when she began college, I was a year older than her. During this period I only had 2 friends, her and my friend since middle school. The past few months of our relationship had been horrible, she kept accusing me of more and more things and I would just get really mad at her, curse at her, emotionally abuse her, and I told her I had feelings for someone else that I was fantasizing about, and she cried. Then she broke up. At first I was like "whatever." Then a week later I try to get her back but she won't take me back and I ended up creating a scene, crying and begging in front of her brother and friend. She threatened to call the cops so I left. She told me at one point that if I love her to prove it by killing myself.

 

A week later me and my friend go to a restaurant, I couldn't eat that whole 2 weeks, and she calls. She finds out my friend is there then tells me to tell them we are back together. Then she calls 2 hours later and said she was just kidding that she wanted to get my friend jealous. That night she admitted she developed feelings for my friends for the past 5 months while I ran around town doing her errands and putting her before everything else.

 

So that night I go in front of her dorm and attempt suicide with sleeping pills. At first she was laughing when she saw me taking the pills, then she called crying and begging for me to get to the hospital because I drove away, to the nearest hospital but she didn't know that.

 

After being hospitalized and everything, about a month later (I have not spoken to her since before the hospital but tried emailing her many times). I'm coming home from a friend's birthday party and she calls and tells me she is dating my close friend of 8 years. That really hurt me and I attempted suicide 3 more times but somehow failed, and the closest I came my parents got me to the hospital in time to get my heart started again.

 

I was so sad and hurt that she was cruel and mean to me, and the past year has been a lie. All the times she told me she would never break my heart. I did a lot of stupid an immature things during this time, like try to break off the relationship between her and my friend. She lied to him and said she is a virgin, and he tried to use my help to prove she wasn't. But in the end believed her. So now the past 2 and a half years, I was absolutely nothing to her and that's what hurt the most. I made a lot more dumb mistakes by threatening her with nude videos and pictures of her. It took us 6-7 months to have sex, and it took him and her less thank a week =/

 

I loved her to death, and all my best memories are with her. She was the only person I was ever able to deeply love and care for and I could not believe she made me so miserable so that I would break up with her and she had my friend lined up.

 

I feel like killing myself everyday because when I get up I wake up to a random good memory of us, and it makes me feel so dead and empty inside. I went through a lot of therapy in the past 3 months, took anti depressants but got off them because they made me more suicidal.

 

I was an immature a!#hole and I admit it.

It was also hard for her to be a secret for 2 and a half years.

We broke up many times during the relationship and at a point she became mentally and physically abusive towards me.

 

 

But I still love her so much and there is no chance of her ever coming back to me

 

But ultimately, I feel betrayed by both my close friend and her, I never let any guys go to her dorm, but I let my friend watch a movie with her once and this happens. I trusted them both so much and they turned around and stabbed me in the heart.

 

She cut off all contact with me about 2-3 months ago. She saw me yesterday when I was laughing and talking with my friends, she laughed and walked away.

Edited June 22, 2011 by ShatteredDreams

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

my ex did something similar to me (dating my old best friend). only significant difference is that I wasn't insecure about any other guy, just him because we took a group of people to the movies one day and he was constantly hitting on her. she assured me that she would never have any feelings for him, and look where we are now.

 

The best thing you can do is act indifferent to everything she does and to her in general (act like nothing bothers you).

 

I'm not sure how you found out they were having sex within a week but that is a classic sign of a rebound. basically she doesn't want to be with you but wants to continue from where you and her left off (just with another person).

[ShatteredDreams]

I found out because he told me when he was trying to find out if she is a virgin or not. I pretty much told him all her methods/patterns, and he saw them, but in the end he believed her.

 

Anyways, I know I shouldn't care, but it hurts so bad. She was the only person I loved and trusted so deeply. I never saw it coming. We argued a lot, and I said some really mean things to her out of anger. Now I'm starting to think she started getting me mad on purpose to have a reason to move on.

 

He is everything she wants, plus race won't be an issue. He doesn't have to keep her a secret.

 

I'm trying really hard to just be happy for her and move on, but it hurts so bad because for 2.5 years she was the one and only person in my life, and I explored the whole city with her so it hurts to live here too because there is not a single spot we did not have a good memory.

[Hhhh]

Suicide is not the answer all of us are going through this and your story i have seen 20 times, you just need to let time heal your pain I have been heartbroken an lonely for a year now but I am doing much better.

 

Suicide will only hurt your family and people who love and care for you and over what? What? A girl who left you? Happens to a million people

[ShatteredDreams]

I know suicide won't solve anything. I have friends who cried when I spoke about it, my dad would get a heart attack and my mom would go crazy if I did that. And I know how common my story is, especially college relationships and how high-school and college relationships barely last.

 

I love this girl so much, despite how mean and cruel she was to me. All these good memories of us hurt so much. All the times we argued and cried together. I made her cry so many times it reached a point.

 

I would give anything in the world to be with her again, but there is nothing. She made up her mind, and she really hates me.

 

She loves my ex-best friend and they are happy together, she won't ever look back my way.

 

I'm trying really hard to move on, surrounding myself with friends, family, working out, changing my stuff.

I even tried dating last month, that relationship lasted a week, and afterwards I was a huge emotional wreck again because it made me realize how much I miss my ex.

 

But I'm having such a hard time holding on to my sanity. I am crying hard as I type this out, I had been crying everyday since April 6th.

 

I gave her everything and was by her side during every major event in her life. She comes from a broken family who barely care about her. I did everything to make her and her family happy but in the end, they all hate me.

 

It has been 3 months since she said a word to me. She threatened to call the cops if I contact her.

Edited June 23, 2011 by ShatteredDreams

[Downtown]

Shattered, the behavior you describe for your exGF -- verbal and physical abuse, temper tantrums, inappropriate anger, push-away and pull-you-back cycle, black-white thinking, and her inability to trust you -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Only a professional can determine whether her BPD traits are to strong as to meet the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD. Yet, the nine BPD traits -- i.e., the red flags -- are easy to spot after you read about them so you know what to look for.

 

I mention this because, of the ten personality disorders (PDs), only BPD is notorious for making the nonBPD partner or spouse feel like he is losing his mind. Because the BPDer is emotionally unstable, she will do black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and she will recategorize you -- in ten seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based solely on an idled comment or minor infraction. Not surprisingly, this repeated cycle of your being alternately adored and despised is enough to make anyone with weak personal boundaries -- as you apparently have -- feel like he is going crazy.

 

Indeed, this crazy-inducing behavior of BPDers is so well known that the Nons (i.e., nonBPD partners) have given it a name: gaslighting. It is named after the classic 1944 movie, Gaslight, in which a husband (Charles Boyer) tries to drive his new bride (Ingrid Bergman) crazy in order to have her institutionalized so he can run off with her family jewels.

 

Moreover, BPDers (i.e., those with strong BPD traits) are incapable of trusting and are in great fear of abandonment. This could easily explain why your exGF was so often falsely accusing you of things you never did. It also could explain why she isolated you from your old friends and family -- to make it easier for her to control you, preventing abandonment. Yet, although the abandonment fear can explain why she would pull you back into the relationship, it cannot explain why she kept creating fights over nothing to push you away. If she has strong BPD traits, that push-away phase explained by her strong fear of engulfment (from intimacy). The result is a push-you-away and pull-you-back cycle that is a hallmark of BPDer relationships.

 

Significantly, I am not saying your exGF is the cause of all your emotional problems. It sounds like you have significant issues of your own, including the lack of strong personal boundaries that would protect you from such a woman. Rather, I'm saying that much of the damaging effects that this toxic relationship had on you could be attributable to her having strong BPD traits.

 

I therefore suggest that you discuss this possibility with your therapist. And I suggest that you read my description of such traits in GreenEyedRebel's thread to see if they ring a bell. My four posts start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3398735#post3398735. If that discussion sounds familiar and you have any questions, I would be glad to try to answer them or point you to online resources that can. Take care, Shattered.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

whoa, I now believe my ex has BPD!!! she showed every trait you described. especially towards the end of our relationship.

[Downtown]

whoa, I now believe my ex has BPD!!! she showed every trait you described. especially towards the end of our relationship.

Heart, keep in mind that BPD is not a disease but, rather, only a set of behavioral symptoms. Hence, like headaches, fever, and body aches, the nine BPD traits are symptoms we all have, albeit at a low level if we are emotionally healthy. The issue, then, is not whether your Ex has the traits but, rather, has them so strongly that they undermine her ability to sustain LTRs with loved ones and close friends. Indeed, it is because we all have those traits (i.e., symptoms) that it is so easy for us to spot strong occurrences of them in a loved one.

 

This does not imply, however, that we can determine whether those traits are so persistent and severe as to meet the diagnostic criteria for -- as you say -- "having BPD." Only professionals can do that. Yet, for the purposes of deciding whether a woman is sufficiently compatible to be a good marriage candidate, you do not need to have all your GFs diagnosed by a professional. A diagnosis is not needed because, even when a GF's BPD traits fall well short of the diagnostic threshold test, they can still make your life miserable if you decide to marry her. And you should be fully capable of spotting strong occurrences of symptoms such as frequent verbal abuse, temper tantrums, icy withdrawal, and extreme jealousy.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Heart, keep in mind that BPD is not a disease but, rather, only a set of behavioral symptoms. Hence, like headaches, fever, and body aches, the nine BPD traits are symptoms we all have, albeit at a low level if we are emotionally healthy. The issue, then, is not whether your Ex has the traits but, rather, has them so strongly that they undermine her ability to sustain LTRs with loved ones and close friends. Indeed, it is because we all have those traits (i.e., symptoms) that it is so easy for us to spot strong occurrences of them in a loved one.

 

This does not imply, however, that we can determine whether those traits are so persistent and severe as to meet the diagnostic criteria for -- as you say -- "having BPD." Only professionals can do that. Yet, for the purposes of deciding whether a woman is sufficiently compatible to be a good marriage candidate, you do not need to have all your GFs diagnosed by a professional. A diagnosis is not needed because, even when a GF's BPD traits fall well short of the diagnostic threshold test, they can still make your life miserable if you decide to marry her. And you should be fully capable of spotting strong occurrences of symptoms such as frequent verbal abuse, temper tantrums, icy withdrawal, and extreme jealousy.

 

 

 

ahh, understood... as far as I know I was her longest relationship (3.5 years) the rest were well under a year (longest being 9 months). and her friends change fairly frequently lol. I won't place BPD as the cause but rather as a possibility.

[ShatteredDreams]

Thanks Downtown, that sounds a lot like her.

 

I still feel so horrible about losing my first love

She hated being a secret to my family.

Also, about a year ago I started becoming meaner and meaner towards her

because she was being unappreciative of everything I go through for her.

She would complain a lot if I made a small mistake.

At one point I started making her cry a lot and told her I had feelings for someone else.

I was so cruel to her and I shouldn't have been.

 

And I think about a year ago, she started developing feelings for my friend.

So even though they had sex right away, I doubt it is a rebound.

Now she has a guy who is more tolerant of her behavior.

 

I gave her everything, did everything for her, and kept her on her feet for 2.5 years and this is the thanks I get

[Mack05]

Whether or not your ex has BPD is immaterial I think here. Shattered you have attempted to commit suicide. Forget about her and what she might have mate, you need to focus on your own issues here. You have to try obsessing about her and let her go. I have preached this is numerous threads but you need to find a way to forgive her. Forgive her for the hurt she put you through. I can be 1000000% that she is not the right girl for you. This was a toxic relationship. The opposite if what a healthy relationship should be.

 

You can stay in this vicious circle and obsess about "why me", "what if" etc etc. It's not going to do you any good. There is no hope for this relationship so now you need to focus on you and you alone. You need to say in Therapy until you get the all clear. Suicide is NEVER the answer mate. You may be in a big dark hole, but there is always something worth living for.

 

You have a tough battle ahead, but when your come through this you will be a far better man and person. Once you rebuild your self esteem you will attract the right kind of women. Please for your own sanity leave this girl go now!!!!. Even if she ever wanted you back you but be nuts to get involved with someone like this. It doesn't matter what her problems are, or the cruel things that she did. You need to get yourself out of this hole and you can't do that when all your focus is on her..Forgiving her is the best way to free yourself moving forward..

Edited June 23, 2011 by Mack05

[Downtown]

Whether or not your ex has BPD is immaterial I think here.

I disagree. Shattered will achieve nothing by leaving his BPDer exGF if he runs right into the arms of another woman just like her. He is at great risk of doing exactly that if he has strong codependency traits -- which is likely in a man who has chosen to remain in a toxic relationship with a BPDer for nearly three years. I therefore believe it is important for him to learn the red flags (i.e., how to spot strong occurrences of BPD symptoms). I do agree, however, with everything else you said, Mack. Edited June 23, 2011 by Downtown

[ShatteredDreams]

Despite how emotionally and physically abusive she was, I blame it on myself. I was mean to her, I said some really hurtful things to her, whenever she made me feel bad, I would say something to make her cry.

The worst part is, she felt ashamed of her own race because I couldn't introduce her to my muslim family.

 

She was the first and only person I was able to love and care for at such a deep level yet I treated her like cr*p. My words and actions on the last argument, the way I treated her the last week when she tried to act like things are normal again.

 

Now I'm not sure if she got me mad on purpose to have a reason to leave me for my friend, or was she really hurt by the way I treated her.

 

I want to forgive, but it's really hard to forgive my friend.

 

He confessed to ruining my friendships with other people, and I trusted him like a brother.

 

Is she in a rebound relationship with him? Will they last?

I know I shouldn't think about this...but my whole life I've been holding in my feelings and emotions and now they all come out and I don't know how to handle it. I was headed towards a depression before I met her.

 

But the relationship was stressful to the point I started getting a lot of grey hairs and gained about a hundred pounds.

 

I am trying hard to move on. I left my hometown where everything reminds me of her, and staying with family somewhere else. I've been working out, dropped a lot of pounds, gained muscle, liking the way I look. But the thought that comes out is "I wish she were here with me right now."