Ingenue Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 For the past day or so I've been contemplating ending my relationship with my boyfriend. My mother died about 2.5 weeks ago and I've just felt incredibly empty and infinitely sad since her passing. I was extremely close to my mother and her death came unexpectedly. While my boyfriend had initially been supportive by being there for me not only at the visitation and the service, the other day he insisted I was wallowing in my grief. My coping mechanisms were, in his opinion, counter-productive and that I should be using this time to question my beliefs, instead of carrying on silly rituals. While he acknowledges how deep my pain is and tells me that it pains him to see me hurt so badly, his suggestions have come off as insulting to me. I don't believe there's a proper way to grieve and not every person grieves the same. At 2.5 weeks in, I should be allowed to do my silly rituals if that provides me some measure of comfort. My boyfriend is not really close to his family. I imagine it's very easy to be rational when it is not his mother who has died. I don't know if I'm over-reacting because I'm grieving. I don't know if I'm hypersensitive because of my grief. I am so angry with him over his insensitivity that I have been considering breaking up with him. How could I possibly date a man who cannot (even in his girlfriend's dark hours) suspend his belief system to simply be there for her? Perhaps some of you could offer your opinion. Have I misinterpreted a helpful gesture? Am I over-reacting? Does he simply not know how to empathize? Does he simply not know how to act? Should I not be rash and break up with him? I don't want to make a mistake that I'll regret later because I'm emotional right now. But our last few conversations have been stilted. I feel like I have to filter everything I say to him and not discuss my mother's death so as to not offend his sensibilities. That's not a relationship, that's an editor.
thelovingkind Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 What a tough moment for you, I am so sorry about the loss of your mother. In my opinion to accuse anyone of "wallowing in grief" just 2.5 weeks after the loss of their mother is simply despicable, no matter how close or not that person is with their own family. There is nothing "silly" about any kind of coping mechanism at this stage and, unless something really self-destructive or abusive has been done on your part, there is no justification for him to do anything other than stand 100 percent with you however you begin to come to terms with this. I can't tell you what to do re: breaking up, but all your observations are spot on in my opinion and you are not over-reacting at all.
Finch Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 I am very sorry for your loss. We each deal with grief in our own ways and the process cannot be rushed. No one has the right to criticize someone else's coping mechanisms following the death of a parent. If your rituals bring you a sense of peace at this time and they are not destructive or hurting you then it is up to you when you choose to let go of them. Your boyfriend does not have to agree with your actions right now, but he he should be able to put aside his opinions in order to support you. Dealing with death is a process, and the last thing you need is to be made to feel like you are doing it wrong so soon after the loss of your mother. There may be a time and a place to try to help someone progress emotionally after the death of a loved one. But two and a half weeks is not that time. Like thelovingkind I cannot offer you any advice on whether to end your relationship with your boyfriend, but you are not overreacting. Again I am sorry that you are hurting.
melenkurion Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 I am sorry for your loss. You know this already, but you are not wallowing in your grief. After two weeks, the grieving has barely begun. I am so sorry that you are not getting the support you need. You certainly are not overreacting. Like the others, I can't say whether you should end your relationship. But you should certainly feel able to deal with your grief in any way that is helpful to you.
Author Ingenue Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 It's good to know that I'm not over-reacting. I'm just puzzled because he's normally very sensitive, kind and sweet. I know that he's trying to understand as he was there for me at the beginning. Maybe I've been using him as a sounding board and emotionally unloading onto him. As a result he's concerned that everything I do is a further "wallowing" that will trap me in some unproductive stage of grief. I'm just really bothered that he can't momentarily put aside his rationality to allow me to do what he implies are silly rituals and cultural customs. For me, now is not the time to begin a lengthy existential questioning of my cultural beliefs. That's great that he insists he can. I just wonder whether he really could if his mother were the one to pass unexpectedly.
Chi townD Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 I also would like to convey my condolences. You're not wrong and I've seen this before. You're in a lot of pain right now and that's completely normal. This does take time. You stated that your boyfriend isn't close to his family; therefore, he probably hasn't lost anyone close to him. He loves you and he see's you in pain, but he's lost as to how to help you with it. He doesn't want to see you in pain anymore and he's pushing you to try and get you back to the happy and loving girlfriend he once had. Because seeing you like this affects him and it frustrates him because he doesn't have a clue as to how to help you. And I've also seen the flip side of this as well. Losing someone you love dearly is devestating; to the point you can't breath. I've seen people push away their significant others because of fear of losing them too to a break up or anything else. They don't want to experience this kind of pain again. All I can say is give it time. People grieve in their own ways. Have a talk with your boyfriend. I mean a serious heart to heart. Tell him that even though you appreciate everything that he's done so far; however, there's nothing he can do or say that's going to make you feel better right now and no amount of pushing is going to change that. However, you still need him to be there for you until the pain lets up a little. Not doing anything or saying anything. Just being there. Sorry for your loss.
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