leoc1973 Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 I guess I want to rant a little about sacrifice. Really quick background. I put up with my ex she has had personal problems she has had money problems she has had medical problems. I stayed with her while she had these problems and dealt with only seeing her 2 days a week while she worked on the road she traveled for her job and only came home on weekends. Ok that being said I loved her and was nothing but good to her. After she came home from being on the road for the week I cooked dinner for her and always gave her a full body message(not sexual just cause I loved her). She was usually exhausted so I didn't even try to have sex with her unless she wanted to. The 2 days she was home I did everything she wanted to. Half the stuff I didn't wanna do but did it cause I loved her. So I had to work weekends but my work was offering a voluntary layoff so I took it cause she asked me to because she missed me and said she didn't care about the money so she said. I warned her that I wasn't going to have a lot of spending money but she said she didn't care she only wanted my time. While she was on the road she got offered a permanent position 5 hours away. She told me about it and said she would like me to go with her. I said yes. I told her I would commute for a while till I found a permanent job there. She was all for it. After she started her job she just dumped me without any discussion with me. She just said it isn't going to work. I am the love of her life bla bla bla... but it just isn't going to work. She said we only live once and she has to take care of herself and she can't afford to support me cause I am always broke so I would never be able to even drive there. Although the only reason I was broke is because she told me to take that layoff. When I work I make decent money. She told me I was lazy even tho I did it for her. I did NOT want to. Anyways I agree with her on the only living once and taking care of herself. But and this is my whole point. But taking care of yourself in a relationship is dealing with eachothers ups and downs and being there to help them through it. Now it was my turn for some help whether it be a little money to help me travel back and forth or paying a little more of the rent till I got on my feet in a new city. I guess my whole point is that if you love each other you are there for them and it is an unwritten not discussed agreement that when they have their downs you are there for them and when you have yours then they are there for you. You don't just move on to the next one every time your other half has a rough patch. I was always a rock for her and it was her turn for me. Maybe I am being ignorant and she just met someone else but I really don't think that is it. She sent me job search sites a week before she broke up with me and kept asking if I found anything. (too hard to find a job long distance). She just packed up and sold everything and abandoned me I feel like a piece of trash that got thrown away. She even put on her facebook: in with the good out with the bad. I am ranting but I was always there for her. So dumpers if you are dumping just cause its your turn to carry a little burden then you suck!!
guccimane99 Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 Leoc1973 I know how you feel i had an ex to that i cared alot for. I put her first made her a priority i would be lifting and i never bring my phone, but i brought it up so i could talk to her. I would snuggle with her all the time and tried to be the ideal boyfriend that every girl wants. All the goodnight and goodmorning text. All of her friends supposively liked me because i didnt blow her off and **** like that. She threw me away and my grandma was in the hospital. She wasnt there for me and if her grandma or even father was in the hospital i would be by her side. It just goes to show that someone people are either heartless or dont have souls. You do alot for your ex and she doesnt even remember the good things that is because she is in the resentment stage. Anything you do she will throw against you. She has met someone new and in the honeymoon stage. Once that stage is over he wont be as hot as he used to be and that when true colors come out. I have learned if they ask how your doing just saying really good even if you arent. Let them feel like there missing out if they say what have u been up to just tell them u gotta go and hang up or leave. They threw you out just like that dont let them know ur suffering. Woman do terrible things like this and they wonder why guys treat them like ****. This is the exact reason why guys act like asses because we were treated so damn poorly. I treat ever girl good and they always leave. Honestly, once its over its over i block and delete if they text i send them one last letter saying sorry and just saying goodbye no dragging the burden for ur next gf. Plus if you were good to her she will probably regret it later on because there are not that many good guys on this earth and she will see that. U will have been the one that got away and if she does come looking ull either be married or you will be datting someone better suited towards you. Just sing the song deuces by chris brown.
dreamscape123 Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 Leoc1973 I know how you feel i had an ex to that i cared alot for. I put her first made her a priority i would be lifting and i never bring my phone, but i brought it up so i could talk to her. I would snuggle with her all the time and tried to be the ideal boyfriend that every girl wants. All the goodnight and goodmorning text. All of her friends supposively liked me because i didnt blow her off and **** like that. She threw me away and my grandma was in the hospital. She wasnt there for me and if her grandma or even father was in the hospital i would be by her side. It just goes to show that someone people are either heartless or dont have souls. You do alot for your ex and she doesnt even remember the good things that is because she is in the resentment stage. Anything you do she will throw against you. She has met someone new and in the honeymoon stage. Once that stage is over he wont be as hot as he used to be and that when true colors come out. I have learned if they ask how your doing just saying really good even if you arent. Let them feel like there missing out if they say what have u been up to just tell them u gotta go and hang up or leave. They threw you out just like that dont let them know ur suffering. Woman do terrible things like this and they wonder why guys treat them like ****. This is the exact reason why guys act like asses because we were treated so damn poorly. I treat ever girl good and they always leave. Honestly, once its over its over i block and delete if they text i send them one last letter saying sorry and just saying goodbye no dragging the burden for ur next gf. Plus if you were good to her she will probably regret it later on because there are not that many good guys on this earth and she will see that. U will have been the one that got away and if she does come looking ull either be married or you will be datting someone better suited towards you. Just sing the song deuces by chris brown. Good post.... I agree.... It is their loss........ Hard to convince myself of that right now, but I know you are right.....
Author leoc1973 Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 Man you sound like you are the same type of guy as me. I agree with you that there are not a lot of good guys out there. My ex who has literally dozens of really gorgeous girlfriends were always complaining to her about guys they were dating. They would go out with these guys for a few months, they would seem like really nice guys and then next thing I would hear through my ex is that this guy cheated or that guy got rough with her or started blowing her off ect. She would always tell me that she is glad that she found me and doesn't have to go through what her friends are going through just to try to find a good guy. She would also tell me that its weird that she knows I would be the only guy she would ever be with(sexually) again and she loved that she didn't even care. She was completely content so she said. Like I said I don't know if she met someone else suddenly or was just trying to get me to quit my job and move down there or what. Guys are really crappy she would have my engagement ring on and they would still hit on her literally right in front of me sometimes. I never confronted them I would just laugh because I felt that confident. Also I would never touch another guys woman its not right putting some other guy through the worst part of his life just so I could get a piece of ass. There are enough single girls looking for a good time if that is what they need. It is just really narcissistic to be like that. But these guys do it just to have a little challenge. I guess I should be happy that I found out who she really is before I married her. You seem like a good guy gucci find a really special girl who will get on her knees and thank god for you every day. Good luck bro.
WTRanger Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 (edited) Putting your needs first, isn't selfish. It's the key to a successful relationship. For too many relationships I was always of the mindset, "If she's happy, I'm happy." Yet, I could never understand why those failed, and failed quite spectacularly. It took me a good solid year of looking at who I really was to realize that, because I was so focused on making my girlfriend happy, that I let myself spiral into a miserable bastard. I was always holding grudges against them if they didn't react exactly as I wanted them to. I wasn't giving to give, I was giving with hidden strings attached. Then, I got all in a hubaloo when she didn't react that way I thought she should or return the favors. I was quite adept at playing a good victim role, then leveling all of these pent up (and quite false) arguments against them. No one (man or woman) wants to be with someone who is a wet noodle, who won't stand up for them self, who worships the ground you walk on. Please, buy a copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Glover. It won't turn you into a jerk. It'll turn you into a gentleman. A person who respects women, but also has a backbone. A person who realizes that they are the only one who can make them self happy. A person who will stand up for what they believe in, meet their own personal needs first, then be able to give to others with no strings attached. Edited June 22, 2011 by WTRanger
Author leoc1973 Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 I was never a spineless noodle. Like I said I am a man in every sense of the word. I always stood up for myself. I am talking more about making sacrifice and trying to be a great guy to a woman I love. It is crazy how that backfires on you. And the alphamale thing. Come on really do I have to fake being a dick for the rest of my life to keep my woman even tho I am not. I am the type of guy who will do anything for anyone. If a family member comes around cause they need their car fixed or help with remodeling then I just do it cause it makes me feel good. And that no more mr nice guy thing. sorry but I am a nice guy and I am not going to change and if I have to keep going through women till I find one who feels like she is the luckiest girl on earth for having met me then I will keep doing it. My favorite saying is "don't mistake my kindness for weakness". As far as being selfish from her end. Well that is no way to live a life. its about give and take and expecting someone whom you were there for to be there for you when its time. Not just jump ship.
Mr. Savage Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 WTRanger you are full of usefull knowledge. I have read your responses in alot of different posts and you are always spot on.
WTRanger Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 I was never a spineless noodle. Like I said I am a man in every sense of the word. I always stood up for myself. I am talking more about making sacrifice and trying to be a great guy to a woman I love. It is crazy how that backfires on you. And the alphamale thing. Come on really do I have to fake being a dick for the rest of my life to keep my woman even tho I am not. I am the type of guy who will do anything for anyone. If a family member comes around cause they need their car fixed or help with remodeling then I just do it cause it makes me feel good. And that no more mr nice guy thing. sorry but I am a nice guy and I am not going to change and if I have to keep going through women till I find one who feels like she is the luckiest girl on earth for having met me then I will keep doing it. My favorite saying is "don't mistake my kindness for weakness". As far as being selfish from her end. Well that is no way to live a life. its about give and take and expecting someone whom you were there for to be there for you when its time. Not just jump ship. You shouldn't have to sacrifice anything for the woman you love. You shouldn't have to change who you are, give things up, or anything else. That's what makes you a noodle. That's not standing up for yourself, that's folding like a wet towel. The fact that you equate standing up for yourself when you've been wronged by a girl as being a dick, means you have such a skewed view of women and how you are supposed to act in a healthy and proper relationship. You can be a nice guy, but you aren't one. You are holding all of the "I can't believe she left me when I gave her so much!" against her. That's not being nice! That's being manipulative and covert. Just because you gave more than you should, you are expecting the world in return. But, I thought you as the "nice guy" was being there for her just for her and not for anything in return? Now, here you are, demanding she return actions to you. So what was it? Being there for her or being there for her but sneaking that Ace card up your sleeve? Nice guys, as you want to be, are anything but. You give, but if you don't get anything back you become resentful. Again, clearly not nice. If you want to keep making the same mistakes in relationships, then keep on doing what you are doing. Keep living for your girlfriend, instead of for yourself. Keep holding things in, then vomiting them out months and years down the line when she leaves you. Keep living to please women, and neglecting yourself. Keep trying to be there for others, help others, fix others, and keep forgetting that the most important person in your life, that'd be you. But if those people you help don't repay you in kind. Watch out. Here comes the anger, resentment, and bitterness. Your posts just ooze it. She should be so lucky for having such a "nice guy"? Your kindness is your weakness. Just as the sky is blue, the "nice guy" way of doing things in relationships will continue to sabotage you for the rest of your long life.
AlisaMarie Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 You shouldn't have to sacrifice anything for the woman you love. You shouldn't have to change who you are, give things up, or anything else. That's what makes you a noodle. That's not standing up for yourself, that's folding like a wet towel. The fact that you equate standing up for yourself when you've been wronged by a girl as being a dick, means you have such a skewed view of women and how you are supposed to act in a healthy and proper relationship. You can be a nice guy, but you aren't one. You are holding all of the "I can't believe she left me when I gave her so much!" against her. That's not being nice! That's being manipulative and covert. Just because you gave more than you should, you are expecting the world in return. But, I thought you as the "nice guy" was being there for her just for her and not for anything in return? Now, here you are, demanding she return actions to you. So what was it? Being there for her or being there for her but sneaking that Ace card up your sleeve? Nice guys, as you want to be, are anything but. You give, but if you don't get anything back you become resentful. Again, clearly not nice. If you want to keep making the same mistakes in relationships, then keep on doing what you are doing. Keep living for your girlfriend, instead of for yourself. Keep holding things in, then vomiting them out months and years down the line when she leaves you. Keep living to please women, and neglecting yourself. Keep trying to be there for others, help others, fix others, and keep forgetting that the most important person in your life, that'd be you. But if those people you help don't repay you in kind. Watch out. Here comes the anger, resentment, and bitterness. Your posts just ooze it. She should be so lucky for having such a "nice guy"? Your kindness is your weakness. Just as the sky is blue, the "nice guy" way of doing things in relationships will continue to sabotage you for the rest of your long life. I did the same thing! Raised my ex's baby and enabled him from life. I neglected myself and felt like I deserved some sort of recognition for my work! I actually got told I was a bad person and he wish he'd never met me. Wow? All that work I did for nothing? NO...I taught a beautiful baby how to walk and talk and loved him as if he was my own. I did it out of love, but when the love was taken away, so where my good deeds. I don't regret anything because I did right by the situation at the time. Now he has to figure it out for himself, just like your ex! But WT is right... even in a relationship you have to put YOU first, along with compromise.
Author leoc1973 Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 I am confused here. Maybe I am totally wrong. But how is a healthy relationship only worrying about "you". Is it a healthy relationship to suck all you can from someone and when its your turn to help out a little to jump ship. I don't know how that is considered a partnership any way you analize it. If you are with someone and they lost their legs do you just leave them because hey you gotta take care of you? I am bitter of course. Why? Because, I was always there for her and when it was my turn for some help she left. How is that oozing with anything other than normalcy? What was I supposed to do smile and say have a nice life and actually mean it? Really who in this would could think like that other than someone who has so many walls up that they can't fall in love. I understand what you are saying about making a relationship about her and what she wanted but like I said we only had limited time together and she was always on the road so of course I wanted to make her happy when she was home. I mean if you were on the road for a whole week and when you came home your boyfriend wanted to sit there and watch baseball because that is what he wanted to do how fast would you dump him? Maybe I am living in this weird reality where I feel like people should always be there for each other and I am just too blind to realize that people are leaches. Oh well...
nikkinicole36 Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 (edited) What WTRanger is pointing out is not selfishness, but self-love. There is a huge difference. What he making the argument for, which is totally correct, is that if you can't take care of yourself, and look out for yourself first, you can't really be a loving person to the other person in a relationship. You either wind up falling on two sides of the coin. You either wind up being completely selfish or being completely codependent. Neither of those positions are healthy. Relationships are suppose to be about both parties taking care of his/her own needs emotionally, spiritually, etc and coming together to build together. Not two half people meeting up trying to make a whole. This does not mean you're suppose to suck another person dry, used them up and then spit them out. It means that when it comes down to it, you're not sacrificing yourself on the alter of love. Once again that's not love that's codependence. It's those unwritten rules that people make with their partner. If I take care of you and love you, you take care of me and love me. That's not how it work, and the other partner hasn't signed up for that. You have to handle your own stuff and let the other person handle their own stuff. No rescuing the other person, just a mutal interdependent relationship. That's what WTRanger is getting at. All the stuff you were doing for your ex had huge strings attached to it. It's wasn't love and doing thing for the sake of doing them. That's true love. True love is given out with no expectations in return. You clearly had expectations on what you felt she should have been giving you back so now you feel a bit indignent. "I did all this stuff, so now she owes me". Technically she doesn't owe you at all. She assumed you did all that stuff because you wanted to do it, not because she would owe you something and have to stay with you as a result of it. Edited June 23, 2011 by nikkinicole36
dicky_fish Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 But an ex using those deeds against you in a break up is pretty sucky right? I spent most of this year looking after my girlfriend because she was really ill (supposedly) and any time I tried getting her to do something to make her feel better she took that as me not understanding what was wrong with her. I never expected anything in return other than a little gratitude for my efforts, not for it to be thrown right back at me.
WTRanger Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 (edited) Nikkinicole, you nailed it on the head. Spot on. Everyone should read that post, then re-read it until it sinks in. Let me clear this up. I'm not advocating that you shouldn't be there for your partner. You need to understand when to be there for them. A death in the immediate family or close friend? Yeah, you need to be there for them. They call you up at 4am, drunk and upset because someone may or may not have looked at them the wrong way. Yeah, that's better left alone. All to0 often, these get confused and you make yourself overly available and take that useless 4am call. The other thing to understand is exactly how to be there for someone. You are there for them, but you cannot fix their problem. It is not up to you to come up with a solution. You need to listen, not tell them how to fix things or even impart your unsolicited salty wisdom. You need to let them come to you. All too often, we want to help so badly that we force ourselves on them. We push and push, then get mad when they push back. We don't see that they just need to be left alone and that we must trust them that they will come to us when and if they need us. By pushing our help, we make the whole situation worse rather than doing any good. Knowing those differences will make or break relationships when the first little bumps come. Edited June 24, 2011 by WTRanger
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