superchiefs Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 So, I ran in to my ex fiance's dad tonight after work, we had and still have a really close relationship. He proceeded to tell me about the guy that I thought my ex was seeing, apparently she did bring him over to their house, but after he left, they asked her if he was her new boyfriend and she said no, he is just a friend, nothing more. Also, he said that she is battling severe depression, and they almost took her to a mental hospital this past weekend because they were worried that she was going to harm herself. So either her dad is trying to keep me hanging on, or my ex really does have mental problems. Either way, I should feel fortunate that this happened before the wedding. I went ahead and told her dad that after 2 months, I feel that I have waited around long enough and that I was going to enter the dating market again. He said he understood my viewpoint of not wanting to wait around. However, I do feel bad because I seriously put it in to my head that my ex was having an affair on me with this guy that she is "hanging" out with now. But now I am pretty convinced that is not the case. I think she just has mental problems.
lalalandman Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 It sounds like this guy is just being there for her in bad times. Whether or not they end up together at some point shouldn't really concern you. I'm sorry to hear about her depression, but you can't do anything about it. Truly, you cannot. She needs support, but it can't be from you. Honestly, don't worry about the two of them. Just get on with your life. She's probably going to deal with these issues for some time. Just move on man.
geegirl Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 Super, anyone in your position would have felt the same. Don't beat yourself up. If your relationship entailed open, honest communication, during the relationship and post, you wouldn't have had to speculate or crack skulls to fit pieces together. You worked with what you had and if it was smelling fishy, then fishy it was. Besides, you will never know the truth because she could easily be lying to her parents. Who knows. The fact is, you should not feel bad about your assumptions. Anyone in a fragile and confused state of mind would have done the same. It was not a situation that provided you with any type of honesty or security. As for her depression, she has her family and her man friend to help her. You now need to care for yourself. Even her dad is in agreement that you move on. Whether she has mental issues or just being plain manipulative, it's not your concern anymore.
lalalandman Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 ^^ Agreed. I kind of get the feeling that she's just fooling people. Like she's the manipulative type who uses depression as a crutch to get people emotionally attached to her. I have experience with this. Very unhealthy. But who knows. In any case, move on.
Author superchiefs Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 Thanks guys for the responses. This is just a thought, but could it be possible that she is emotionally in love with this coworker, but she feels so much guilt because of it that it is the root of her depression? And because she feels like it is wrong to be in love with him because she was engaged to me, she doesnt feel like she can tell anyone about her feelings for him?
lalalandman Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 Thoughtful, but honestly, I don't think there's much use in trying to decipher her feelings and thoughts. It's not easy to know for sure what's going through her mind. I would just let it go my friend.
Author superchiefs Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 Yeah, there really is no way to know what is going on in her mind. I am trying really hard to let her go completely.
geegirl Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 Thanks guys for the responses. This is just a thought, but could it be possible that she is emotionally in love with this coworker, but she feels so much guilt because of it that it is the root of her depression? And because she feels like it is wrong to be in love with him because she was engaged to me, she doesnt feel like she can tell anyone about her feelings for him? You'll never be able to know what is going on in her head. You can put aside a whole week and conjure up 100 scenarios, come day 8, you will still have nothing. What you've written above, I could say, Yes Super, that's exactly it. Does it change anything? No. No Super, that's not it. Does it change anything. No.
Author superchiefs Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 Very good point Geegirl. At this point, I just need to try and not think about her and start putting my energy in to the new girls that I am going to start dating. The fact that my ex does have these mental problems should make me realize that I dont ever want to be with her and I should feel fortunate that this all happened before we were married. It is a lot easier to get out of an engagement than it is a marriage.
geegirl Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 Very good point Geegirl. At this point, I just need to try and not think about her and start putting my energy in to the new girls that I am going to start dating. The fact that my ex does have these mental problems should make me realize that I dont ever want to be with her and I should feel fortunate that this all happened before we were married. It is a lot easier to get out of an engagement than it is a marriage. Yes, try to focus on your path. The longer you focus on her, the longer you neglect yourself. It won't do you any good. During my marriage, my ex-h started to get depressed about his life. And it spiraled and he was in denial about what he was going through. I tried so hard to support him and care for him till I myself was drained and ragged. He pulled me down with him. Six years after the divorce, I saw him a few months ago and he told me that I could have never helped him. He was in such depression that no one could pull him out but himself. He was in that state for a long time after I left. He said that he still has ups and downs but he's able to control them now. You don't want to be caught up in a situation like this Super. I know it's a sad and difficult situation for her. But it's something she has to overcome herself and it's not just the depression that you would have had to deal with but the addition of other unhealthy behaviors. I know this is hard for you. But have faith that you will survive. We all have. The degree of pain in everyone's journey is different but at the end, we all come through. Start focusing on yourself. You deserve someone who is going to be equal. Someone who will reciprocate your love, care and goals in life. Don't ever settle.
Author superchiefs Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 Thank you Geegirl, you really are a very kind hearted person.
Mack05 Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 SuperChiefs I suffered from depression in my past 2 relationships and believe me the best thing to do is leave, until the person gets themselves sorted. Depending on her problems this could take between months and years. If you stay she will drag you down and as Gee said it will take an enormous toll on you. Relationships should be happy, healthy and nourishing to BOTH partners. Of course when you love someone you want to be there for them as relationships have there ups and downs BUT if you are constantly supporting someone and they are literally using you as an emotional punchbag (with no end in site) the only thing you can do is leave. Pray for her and hope she is going to beat her demons, but this time should be all about you. Your healing and your recovery.
geegirl Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 You are most welcome. Keep posting here and sharing you feelings. It helps to purge it all out and it will slowly push you forward.
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