GivenUp0083 Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 If any of you remember my threads, it's now about 8 weeks since break up. I maintained NC but she broke it a couple times just to "check in and say hi" in her attempt to keep me in her life as a friend. I made it clear to her I didn't want to be friends, she got upset, so I said I wasn't burning the bridge forever, just need her to leave me alone so I can get over it. Well she wrote me an email after this conversation (that we had thru texts), basically agreeing to "give me more time" and reassured me she wasn't trying to send mixed signals and has no intentions other than friendship. Well it's been probably 3 weeks since this conversation, and last weekend I was at a wedding. I got drunk and high (it was great), but I had attempted to search thru my phone to call her. Bad idea, I know, but that's why I deleted her number, blocked her on gchat, blocked her on facebook, so I didn't break NC. I found myself basically wanting to b*tch her out. I think I hate this girl. I hate that she thinks she can find so much better and that she thinks I'm settling for something less. I hate that she can't appreciate something so great when she has it and I hate the way she went about ending it. For everything she put me through, the things I did for her while under the belief that we had something real when she had well known that she did not feel the same....she used me. She lead me on. And now she has the nerve to talk down to me in a patronizing manner in her emails in attempts to relieve her own guilt, and my dumb-ass gave her the impression that we'll be friends "someday" when I NEVER want to be her friend. I'm sure in a couple months she'll contact me again with the same BS making small talk. I DONT EVER WANT THAT. What do I do? I want to basically tell her everything I hate about her and call her out on everything she did. I want to make it very clear that we are NEVER going to be friends and that I NEVER in the rest of my life want to hear from her again? Maybe this is just me venting, but this is how I feel the last 3 days. I know that by doing this I'll relieve her guilt and help her justify breaking up with me, but I can't stand the fact she is looking down on me and feeling guilty when she probably doesn't even realize WHY she should feel guilty: because she's a dishonest, deceptive, a cheater, a user, cold-hearted b*tch.
marqueemoon4 Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Maybe this is just me venting, but this is how I feel the last 3 days. I know that by doing this I'll relieve her guilt and help her justify breaking up with me, but I can't stand the fact she is looking down on me and feeling guilty when she probably doesn't even realize WHY she should feel guilty: because she's a dishonest, deceptive, a cheater, a user, cold-hearted b*tch. wait just one second, were you dating my ex wife???
here4her Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 This response wont help. I know NC is highly supported by many, and I understand why, but I also feel like sometimes you need to get things out as well. If you did get all your thoughts and feelings off your chest you will still hate her, and she will still be that person you see her as now, So is it worth breaking the nc you set into place to get a temporary feeling of relief?
Chi townD Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Just Let it out, dude!!! Vent away! The kicker is? This is normal to feel this way! Welcome to the emotional roller coaster! At first, I'm sure you felt sad and lonely and your male ego was probably in the toliet. Now, you get angry at the very thought of her. This is absolutely normal! Vent here anytime! That's what we're here for! But, I promise you. Time does heal. And if she does try to contact you again in a few months, you may be at the point that you can blow off anything she sends at you and carry on with the rest of your day without a second thought of her. It will happen. Give it time.
superchiefs Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 I am interested to see the responses because this situation is very similar to mine as I am sure everyone has seen in other threads that I have posted.
Ajax Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 I've been there too man. In fact the things you said are precisely how I felt about things for a long time. My ex also created a false sense of security for me, so I opened up, supported her, and started thinking of a future only to be dropped out of the blue so she could "figure herself out." Then she found a new fella, so I guess she figured out what she needed to. For months I thought of her as a lying, manipulative, hellion. She had been callous with my feelings and only cared about what she wanted in the moment. To hell with anyone and the future! And she probably was and is some of those things, though not to the extent that I held her to be. I don't hate my ex anymore, but I don't excuse what she did either. You may go through periods of intense hatred, then feel more forgiving towards her. I think that's a normal cycle. Hopefully in time you'll be able to let go of the hate, because it really only hurts you.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 This response wont help. I know NC is highly supported by many, and I understand why, but I also feel like sometimes you need to get things out as well. If you did get all your thoughts and feelings off your chest you will still hate her, and she will still be that person you see her as now, So is it worth breaking the nc you set into place to get a temporary feeling of relief? I've written emails to her that I never sent basically saying everything I want to, but it helped only for a short while. She contacted me shortly after I written those emails and never sent them and I handled it well, but I lied to her. I gave her the hope that someday in the future we could be friends. I know for a fact she thinks that with more time she believes we'll be friends, and I had the chance to tell her otherwise and I didn't. I guess at the time I felt that I hoped for a chance she'd realize she made a mistake and try to take a shot at something more than friends again, but now I know that I never want that with her again. I may feel a little guilty initially after telling her off, but at the same time, it will ensure that she will NEVER talk to me again, which is what I truly want. Right now I'm basically going to have to go through the rest of my summer and year or so knowing one day she'll text me or email me with a "hi, how's your summer going?" I never want to see her or hear from her again. She is dead to me and I want her to stay in the ground, not check in with me from time to time.
Kilty Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Saying nothing is so much better than having a rant at her. If you rant and fly off the handle at her it gives the impression you still care (whether you do or not) Staying silent gives the impression that you are indifferent and have moved on (whether you are or not) Ranting and being mean also confirms to her that she made the right decision. Keep your dignity at all times and you will look and feel so much better for it. Also being mean closes the door once and for all and will ease her guilt and any negative thoughts or doubts she has over the break up. Saying silent has the opposite effect Simples
Author GivenUp0083 Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 Saying nothing is so much better than having a rant at her. If you rant and fly off the handle at her it gives the impression you still care (whether you do or not) Staying silent gives the impression that you are indifferent and have moved on (whether you are or not) Ranting and being mean also confirms to her that she made the right decision. Keep your dignity at all times and you will look and feel so much better for it. Also being mean closes the door once and for all and will ease her guilt and any negative thoughts or doubts she has over the break up. Saying silent has the opposite effect Simples I understand this and I don't disagree. What about a simple email: "Hey, I don't want to lead you on or lie to you like you did to me. I know I said I didn't want to burn the bridge forever on being friends someday, but I'm going to be honest and say there is zero possibility. I'd appreciate it if you respected my wish to never talk or hear from you again. Goodbye." It's not mean, it's honest, and it should present the fact to her I want her out of my life forever. If that doesn't show indifference, I don't know that my silence will either since I previously gave her hope that we have a chance at friendship in the future.
radiodarcy Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 take ChiTown's advice and just let it out. don't worry about whether or not she'll contact you, just concentrate on yourself and your healing. if she tries contact you - - ignore her. don't respond. that'll just lead to you two going back and forth and you'll get pissed off again. i get the impression this whole staying "friends" attempt on her part is her way of maintaining control over you and has nothing to do with her actually wanting to be friends. it's more about her having the upper hand, that's all. if she wanted to stay friends she would have said "ok, i understand" and left it at that -- instead she sent you some patronizing e-mail. what does that tell you? it's all about her. you're doing the right thing in coming on here and venting. just keep it up. you need to process this let it out. a few days ago i found myself stewing over the way my ex treated me. how he acted like he was my friend but was just using me for sex; how he strung me along; made me feel like i wasn't good enough for him. the more i thought about it the angrier i got - - i swear i looked in the mirror and expecting to see myself swelling up like a bullfrog. so - -i let it out. there i was driving down the road and i just SCREAMED. as loud as i could. and it wasn't a scream that came from my throat, it welled up from my gut. the sound startled even me! i am a tiny person -- five feet just over 100 pounds and to my own ears i sounded like a 200 lbs truck driver! i let out two more for good measure and i am telling you it did wonders. it was like i pulled a plug and let all the negativity drain from my body. it was the greatest feeling. sometimes anger defies even words. so - - give it a try. if talking and writing about your feelings doesn't work, drive to an empty field and just let it all out it may not be a cure all but at the very least it'll give you a release.
Kilty Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 It doesnt matter what you have said or done in the past. Just do not say anything and do not respond to any contact unless its " i have made a mistake and want you back" Saying nothing is so much better. IMO you are not as over this girl as you like to think you are and you are hoping that if you give her this ultimatum it will magically produce a positive reponse from her and she will reconsider or at the very least open up some sort of communication/dialogue. (i know this from personal experience - i kidded myself on as well ) Trust me - no good will come of it and it will set you back. Also as you have read on here lots of times do not go looking for closure - find it on your own. If as i suspect deep down you want another chance with this girl do absolutely nothing unless its the contact i said above. Do the opposite of what your emotions are telling you- always !
Author GivenUp0083 Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 I don't want anything, there is no ultimatum because I'm not giving her a choice. I'm taking control, I'm changing her thought, I'm squashing her hope of friendship. All I want is her out of my life forever and never talk to her again. She seems to reach out to me just when I start to think I'm past her. She won't get that message I guess until she tries to contact me and I ignore her (which I should have done the first couple times).
JasonRules Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Release your anger and frustration at the gym. You calling her will only make you look weak, desperate, and pathetic. Stay strong, I have...be determined, I am...
Chi townD Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Look, I know that you really, REALLY want to respond to her. I know that you want to convey the pain you feel in an e-mail. BUT IT WON'T WORK!! The only thing you'll achive she her thinking that you're a jerk and she was justified in dumping your sorry ass! She wins. You silence speaks different volumes. If you don't respond, do you know what will be going through her head? "What's he doing that's SO important that he can't even say a simple hello?" "I thought we could be friends, what's going on?" "Did he find someone else?" " Wow, he's being a jerk!" " Is he okay? Is something wrong with him?" " Did I hurt him that bad? Did I ruin a perfectly good friendship? I miss talking to him." " Wow! Does he hate me that much?" See, you'll achieve your end goal without even saying one word. Leave her in the dark. Leave her guessing. Time to heal, dude! * okay, hate is a strong word, but you get my meaning....
radiodarcy Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 What about a simple email: "Hey, I don't want to lead you on or lie to you like you did to me. I know I said I didn't want to burn the bridge forever on being friends someday, but I'm going to be honest and say there is zero possibility. I'd appreciate it if you respected my wish to never talk or hear from you again. Goodbye." It's not mean, it's honest, and it should present the fact to her I want her out of my life forever. If that doesn't show indifference, I don't know that my silence will either since I previously gave her hope that we have a chance at friendship in the future. while you think you're taking back the control in sending her this e-mail you're doing the opposite. you're handing it right back over to her. this is only going to set off another volley like you had last time. leave it alone. like i said in my last post, i don't even think she wants friendship, she just wants to have the upper hand. the whole friendship issue is a way for her to have that. she wants to be your "friend" so she can guide you as to how she thinks you should behave in your next relationship. how condescending is that? don't give her another opportunity to "guide" you in sending her that e-mail. so what if you gave her hope about having a friendship in the future. that was a just words, and as we all know -- action speaks louder than words. you want to prove to her you don't want to be friends. say nothing. don't send her anything; no e-mails/text message nothing. as the days, weeks, months pass with no word from you, she'll get the picture.
oldguy Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 It's not only normal, it's healthy, as long as there is no contact. It's part of the grieving process. Very similar to the grieving process one goes through when a loved one dies.
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