hearttopieces Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Hello guys, I don't even know where to begin. I was just starting to feel a little better after 4 weeks NC. Just a little, but hey, one step at a time. I still don't know how am I going to get over my ex who cheated on me for months. Wow it sound bizarre, I know. Anyway, I was just getting a little better. When I initiated NC, I did it for the right reasons, to stay away from him completely, as he was not good for me... Anyway, this selfish man sent me a message, basically sharing a bunch of information about himself... Totally stupid!! I am not going to answer him, but I really need your help guys. The thing is, I really feel bad not answering him. I can imagine that he is suffering now... I know it is weird, but he is very sensitive and I know he is hurting... And after all, it is common decency to reply... I am not going to do it, I am just struggling here... I don't want him to suffer. This not answering his message, it is so not me... I just try to put myself in his shoes,and think about how would I feel if I sent him a message and he didn't answer back. Probably I would be here starting the "I broke NC and feel like ****" thread. But anyway, I will NOT reply to him, because I am aware that it will be just worse for me if I do... But I just wish I could tell him I am sorry. Does this make any sense at all?
marqueemoon4 Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 it sucks and its nice you have a conscience, but don't respond, it'll just set you back.
geegirl Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Hello guys, I don't even know where to begin. I was just starting to feel a little better after 4 weeks NC. Just a little, but hey, one step at a time. I still don't know how am I going to get over my ex who cheated on me for months. Wow it sound bizarre, I know. Anyway, I was just getting a little better. When I initiated NC, I did it for the right reasons, to stay away from him completely, as he was not good for me... Anyway, this selfish man sent me a message, basically sharing a bunch of information about himself... Totally stupid!! I am not going to answer him, but I really need your help guys. The thing is, I really feel bad not answering him. I can imagine that he is suffering now... I know it is weird, but he is very sensitive and I know he is hurting... And after all, it is common decency to reply... I am not going to do it, I am just struggling here... I don't want him to suffer. This not answering his message, it is so not me... I just try to put myself in his shoes,and think about how would I feel if I sent him a message and he didn't answer back. Probably I would be here starting the "I broke NC and feel like ****" thread. But anyway, I will NOT reply to him, because I am aware that it will be just worse for me if I do... But I just wish I could tell him I am sorry. Does this make any sense at all? Oh, he is hurting. The poor baby is suffering. I'm sure he was hurting when he was cheating on you. So sensitive that he was in agony, when he was laying under some other woman. I'm sure he felt bad when he was whispering sweet nothings in her ear while you were going about your day thinking you scored big with this wonderful prize. He was deceitful to you. Do you think he cared about how you were going to suffer when he was cheating? Didn't give two hoots. Did you think he cared about your sensitivity when he knew how much it would hurt you? Didn't give two hoots. You feel you have an obligation now to extend courtesy and kindness to someone who lied and betrayed you? You are displacing your acts of kindness. Give it to those that deserve it, not ones that cheat and betray you. Let's be real. It has nothing to do with you feeling rude for not responding. It's because you still have feelings for him and you desire the contact. That's why you are struggling that he broke NC. Yes, tell him you are sorry. Sorry...for what again?
Author hearttopieces Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 Thank you guys. Geegirl, you are absolutely right. He did not think about me... I guess I just want to believe I am simply better than him, and this is the reason why I want to reply. Because I am not an a-hole and I do care about others. Yes, I am actually better than him in so many ways. You know what? The reason why he is suffering is that his ego is hurt right now. As he is very much used to ladies running after him... Well not me... Your post made me think though. Why do we keep being good (or at least care about) people who betrayed us?? I wish I could ljust et it go and don't give a crap anymore.
geegirl Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Thank you guys. Geegirl, you are absolutely right. He did not think about me... I guess I just want to believe I am simply better than him, and this is the reason why I want to reply. Because I am not an a-hole and I do care about others. Yes, I am actually better than him in so many ways. You know what? The reason why he is suffering is that his ego is hurt right now. As he is very much used to ladies running after him... Well not me... Your post made me think though. Why do we keep being good (or at least care about) people who betrayed us?? I wish I could ljust et it go and don't give a crap anymore. Care about those that care about you. You respond and 1) you give him the green light that you are tolerant of bad behavior 2) you boost his ego, like you said. He doesn't need to know that you are better than him. His view of you means nothing. You don't need validation from a cheat. I don't think it's a matter of being good to people/care for people that betray us. I believe it's our self-esteem that plays a role in why we let these people into our lives and why we feel like we are bad or doing wrong. It's about lacking the capability to establish boundaries because we place more value on caring for those that abuse us versus placing value and care for ourselves.
Author hearttopieces Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 Hi guys. I just wanted to tell you all that ever since my ex contacted me 5 days ago (after 4 weeks NC) I have been feeling like the biggest s...t. I did not reply to him, but it feels like starting NC all over again, except that my urge to call him is stronger. I think about him 24/7, I have even referred to him accidentally as "my boyfriend" to my sister when we were talking about him the other day. Why are some things so messed up? The only thing I asked him is not to call me or text me until I initiate contact, and he couldn't even do this for me.
usabup Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 Hi guys. I just wanted to tell you all that ever since my ex contacted me 5 days ago (after 4 weeks NC) I have been feeling like the biggest s...t. I did not reply to him, but it feels like starting NC all over again, except that my urge to call him is stronger. I think about him 24/7, I have even referred to him accidentally as "my boyfriend" to my sister when we were talking about him the other day. Why are some things so messed up? The only thing I asked him is not to call me or text me until I initiate contact, and he couldn't even do this for me. Maybe I can offer you my opinion from the point of view of your ex. I also hurt my ex which forced her to leave me. I did the same thing your ex is doing, initiated contact. I think it comes down to the fact that he is trying to keep you in his life in some campacity. If you go 4 weeks without talking to him, he probably feels like you have vanished and don't care anymore, so he is trying to figure out where your head is at, without being too direct. Also, he probably dosnt realise how big of an impact the contact has on you. Because you havnt spoken to each other, he probably just thinks you don't care anymore so a simple message from him isn't going to bother you. And you ignoring him will probably provoke him to contact you again, because us guys kind of enjoy the thrill of the chase! I'm not justifying his actions, I'm just trying to explain how he may be thinking. If you don't want to keep being put in this position, you have two options. 1. Change your number and e-mail adress. Block him on Facebook etc etc. 2. Reply to his message reminding him that you asked him not to contact you and that still stands. You don't have to say it in a nasty way, but be firm. If he continues to contact you after that, refer back to option 1. Hope this helps!
Author hearttopieces Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 (edited) Maybe I can offer you my opinion from the point of view of your ex. I also hurt my ex which forced her to leave me. I did the same thing your ex is doing, initiated contact. I think it comes down to the fact that he is trying to keep you in his life in some campacity. If you go 4 weeks without talking to him, he probably feels like you have vanished and don't care anymore, so he is trying to figure out where your head is at, without being too direct. Also, he probably dosnt realise how big of an impact the contact has on you. Because you havnt spoken to each other, he probably just thinks you don't care anymore so a simple message from him isn't going to bother you. And you ignoring him will probably provoke him to contact you again, because us guys kind of enjoy the thrill of the chase! I'm not justifying his actions, I'm just trying to explain how he may be thinking. If you don't want to keep being put in this position, you have two options. 1. Change your number and e-mail adress. Block him on Facebook etc etc. 2. Reply to his message reminding him that you asked him not to contact you and that still stands. You don't have to say it in a nasty way, but be firm. If he continues to contact you after that, refer back to option 1. Hope this helps! Hi usabup, Thank you very much for the above. You have no idea how much you have helped me with this. I assume my ex truly doesn't realize what his contact does to me. Even though I explained to him why I actually need some time on my own. Perhaps he thinks I have moved on and can't be bothered to reply. In my head all this is just another perfectly valid reason to stay away, as it seems it is more difficult and emotionally challenging for me to be in touch than it is for him. However, I am struggling, because I don't want to come across as a mean b***. And by the way, you were right about the chasing part as well, as he rang me yesterday night (to my further disappointment). I am considering contacting him now, but just the thought of having to start NC all over again after 1 full month makes me want to run away and hide myself somewhere for the rest of my life... If you don't mind me asking, have you contacted your ex after you started NC with her? I am curious about the reason or motivation. I am practically sure that my ex does not want to get back with me, and simply keeping me in his life, as you say, sounds pretty cruel to me as I personally don't believe in friendship after break-up. Edited June 27, 2011 by hearttopieces
flow15 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 (edited) Hun, I'm going through exactly the same thing as you right now. My ex contacted me a week ago after 3 months NC and 5 months since the break up. And I feel more messed up now than I did before.. This past week I too haven't stopped thinking about him, wondering if I should respond to his contact. I've posted on here and everyone is telling me to ignore, which I'm finding extremely hard to do. I'm constantly wondering why he has contacted and what he would do if i respond. I'm pretty sure my ex has contacted me purely because he is wondering about me, checking up on me as I have maintained strict NC. He's probably shocked that I've remained so dedicated to not contacting him, as before I was always chasing after him. To be honest I first went into NC hoping it would make him miss me, but then afterwards I realised how it really helps you to heal. However we didnt take into consideration that they can contact us, which just brings us back to square one. Which totally sucks!! Your ex probably is just checking up on you, as you've been silent for so long. If your not interested in him at all and want to move on, my advice is to not bite and to keep NC. He'll get the message and probably leave you alone when you don't respond Edited June 27, 2011 by flow15
flow15 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 nd simply keeping me in his life, as you say, sounds pretty cruel to me He cheated on you, he is capable of anything....as horrible as it sounds. I too wish that the reason my ex has contacted me isnt becuase he's trying to reel me in or looking for an ego boost, but I'm afraid that is the most likely reason. Or so everyone on here says...
usabup Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Hi usabup, Thank you very much for the above. You have no idea how much you have helped me with this. I assume my ex truly doesn't realize what his contact does to me. Even though I explained to him why I actually need some time on my own. Perhaps he thinks I have moved on and can't be bothered to reply. In my head all this is just another perfectly valid reason to stay away, as it seems it is more difficult and emotionally challenging for me to be in touch than it is for him. However, I am struggling, because I don't want to come across as a mean b***. And by the way, you were right about the chasing part as well, as he rang me yesterday night (to my further disappointment). I am considering contacting him now, but just the thought of having to start NC all over again after 1 full month makes me want to run away and hide myself somewhere for the rest of my life... If you don't mind me asking, have you contacted your ex after you started NC with her? I am curious about the reason or motivation. I am practically sure that my ex does not want to get back with me, and simply keeping me in his life, as you say, sounds pretty cruel to me as I personally don't believe in friendship after break-up. Yeah sure, I broke no contact a few times and contacted my ex. At first she would ignore me so I just thought she didn't care. That made me want her more so of course I contacted her a couple more times. In the end, we had a discussion and she explained to me that talking to me upset her, so I stopped. I think that's the problem with no contact, neither party knows how the other one is feeling a before long one of you will become curious. If couples just agreed a way forward together to make the break up as easy as possible for the both parties, it would make things a lot easier. My personal opinion on NC is that there are elements of it that are childish. Essentially, it is ignoring someone which can actually cause more hurt for BOTH people. I would much rather my ex has said from the start "its too hard to talk to you so please don't contact me. When I'm ready I will contact you" if she had said that, I would have left her alone for sure. I know you told your ex this, that's why I suggested you remind him again. In my opinion, the fact that he is contacting you means he is at the very least curious to see if you still like him. How you proceed from now is up to you.
flow15 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 usabup do you mind looking at my thread and give me your opinion. Do you think if I ignore my ex it will make him want me?? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t283468/ (hearttopieces apologies for hijacking your thread)
Author hearttopieces Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 (edited) Hi guys. I am back with anoher update. I thought I could share with you what happened today, as I really don't have anyone to talk to. Here it goes. Today when I went to work, I was my usual self, sad and constantly thinking about my ex. Since he just rang me very recently I was feeling extra emotional, asking myself why am I such a bad person to ignore him like that... So I was just having my usual post-break-up depressed day. Anyway, long story short, I met this good old friend for lunch and she actually brought him up... I told her I haven't heard from him or seen him for more than a month. And then I asked her if she has seen him (since she is a mutual friend after all). While asking her about him, I immediately realized that I might be making a mistake. But after a moment of hesitation I decided that, as he means nothing to me anymore (just to put myself in the right mood), I don't really care what she says - I was simply curious, that's all. But what she told me was worse than the worst nightmare. Apparently my ex is desperately trying to get together with the girl he had an affair with. I am saying it was an affair, although I don't know if they had an emotional thing or more than that (basically I have no idea what exactly happened between them). So he is trying to get together with her. Although she is living with her on and off again boyfriend, with whom she has a baby. But that is not all. Apparently my ex has offered her to move in with him to his house immediately and provide for her and the baby (yes he has a very good job). I guess you can imagine my shock when hearing all this. Of course I do not know if all this is true. My friend was told all these details by her - the "other woman" (as they work together). I know that my friend would not lie to me, but the "other woman"? I don't know. Honestly, I want to believe that she is making it up to make herself look wanted by men or something, as she seems like a girl who could do this. But then again, I wouldn't be surprised if it was true. I am not surprised by anything anymore. You can imagine my horror and there are no words that can describe the feelings I had earlier today. I wanted to cry so badly all afternoon, but I just couldn't, as I was at work. I wanted to go to the restroom and cry there for a bit, but I just couldn't get the time. Yeah, I know it sounds funny. And when finally I could leave work and come home, I was so exhausted, I just couldn't cry anymore. Here I am now, I don't even know what to think. Edited June 29, 2011 by hearttopieces
elizabeth26 Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Well, I don't ever disbelieve how stupid men can be anymore. My ex also cheated, with a girl who was supposedly a mutual friend. He has pursued her and they are still dating as far as I know. It has been a little over a year since our 7+ year relationship ended. Don't talk to that guy if you can help it. I would advise dating his closest friends or at least hanging around with them, just to screw with his ego. Live your life, try new things and have fun. You deserve better and will find better in your own sweet time. I highly advise screwing with his head though, that's exactly what those kind of bastards deserve. Joining a gym and running out my anger was great for me also. Take care!
wilsonx Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 im sorry heart... your ex is a dumpster diver look... he thought he could have his cake and eat it too but he cant have anything with his affair and her kid and you. He's trying too hard look at it that way... he's a loser... stick to NC and make yourself a better person my ex is a lying piece of **** cheater too... I will be a month into the breakup on Thursday when she broke up with me because I caught her. Shes 23 and left me for a 37 year old bald cook that she works with in a movie theater that lives in a trailer (can you say downgrade like your ex). Let them be miserable with themselves. I've had NC locked down for 9 days now and you know what, the dumb bitch showed up at my work on Saturday and everybody there was wondering what she was doing, they all know her. I wasn't there but she's starting to play games because she knows she made a mistake and I will never give her the time of day again. I am hurting too, today at work I actually started crying which I rarely ever do and my boss left me alone as he knows whats going on. I know I am better then her. You know you are better then him. The more and more we keep NC and be happier with our lives, the more it will hurt them in the end. I promise you, you can do way better. I can do way better and lets do WAY better together
Author hearttopieces Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 Guys, thank you so much, you have no idea how much your words mean to me! :) you guys are awesome!!!
MovingOn13 Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Man threads like these prove that just about every break up has the same elements! I would advise u as have others to ignore it. It is no longer about him or what he thinks about you. This time is for you and people don't change in one month. This is a fact. To reply to a certain degree is to accept 2nd class behavior. Is that the messGe you want to send? That it is ok to hurt you? My ex with who I dates 5 years first love etc broke up with me to have fun quoting "you only live once" aka there is something better out there. I declined friendship and went nc right away and it's been 6months And low and behold I get. A facebook friend req. Idk what it means but I suspect it's to test waters. Like you, my good loving side wanted to accept. But then I realized I am worth more than that. I refuse to be part of her 700 fb friends. If you want me call me, email me. I am a man of substance and I refuse to be downgraded to a friend. We are all worth more.
elizabeth26 Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 As far as the mixed emotions go, they will be there awhile if you are anything like me. It sucks because people like our exes who are probably more interested in the AFFECT they have on people, Not the RELATIONSHIPS they have with people, really get a high off of knowing that someone likes them or the pursuit for that matter. try and be a bit more critical of your past relationship, did he treat you well always? If he had any problems, what were they? Character flaws? Something that made me happier was imagining what he didn't approve of, like me hanging out with other guys, playing a sport, wearing an outfit that made me feel great, an doing it. You do not deserve to be unhappy and lonely is a state of mind. Also, totally my opinion, sounds like this girl is using him to make her boyfriend jealous. If so, poetic justice for him.
wilsonx Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Man threads like these prove that just about every break up has the same elements! I would advise u as have others to ignore it. It is no longer about him or what he thinks about you. This time is for you and people don't change in one month. This is a fact. To reply to a certain degree is to accept 2nd class behavior. Is that the messGe you want to send? That it is ok to hurt you? My ex with who I dates 5 years first love etc broke up with me to have fun quoting "you only live once" aka there is something better out there. I declined friendship and went nc right away and it's been 6months And low and behold I get. A facebook friend req. Idk what it means but I suspect it's to test waters. Like you, my good loving side wanted to accept. But then I realized I am worth more than that. I refuse to be part of her 700 fb friends. If you want me call me, email me. I am a man of substance and I refuse to be downgraded to a friend. We are all worth more. This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Author hearttopieces Posted July 2, 2011 Author Posted July 2, 2011 Hi guys, Once again I would like to thank you all for support and comments that really mean a lot to me at this difficult time (every single one of them!). Now, a little update. As I already mentioned, a few days ago I received some horrible news about my ex, namely that only about a month after our break-up he was seriously dating his "affair", even planning to move in with her. As you can imagine I was totally shocked and hit rock bottom again. Well, I just wanted to let you all know that yesterday I managed to find out that the story about him dating her and moving in with her was 200% not true. I will not go into details as it would be too long, but the main thing is this. I met an old friend who is a friend of "the affair", and who also owed me a big big favor. So I asked her nicely to call "the affair" and have a little chat (without mentioning me of course!). Anyway, the story is totally fake, and my ex is not even in contact with her anymore. It all makes perfect sense to me now, and as weird as it sounds, I believe that the person who told me they were actually dating has simply confused me (or him) with someone else. Of course these news made my day yesterday, however, my happiness did not last too long. By the time I got home I could barely hold my tears back. Feeling embarrased and stupid for even believing such a story. I suddenly realized I was so weak in my heart. I also understand that it was a mistake to go around asking people about him. Perhaps I should have though about this as well as part of NC? I mean, I started this thread asking why did he have to break NC, blaming him for all my pain. While I am not so innocent myself. Although I did not reply to his call and text, I was very curious about him and tried to get little pieces of information, wherever I could. I don't know what to think. Right now I do blame him, because I know I was making a progress and actually healing when he contacted me after 4 weeks NC. I know I was much better. But ever since then I am back to feeling as low as on day nr one. And it has been more than 5 weeks now. I miss him even more now. When will this pain stop?
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