BetterDays Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Hi All... I've spent some time here just reading the threads and have already got a vibe for the community and realized that many of you are in very similar situations with similar emotions. It's been rather therapeutic reading these stories, even if most of them are rather sad. I debated about sharing my story and even typed it out a couple weeks ago but never posted it. But, here I am again, and I decided I need some support/advice more now than ever. My wife and I haven't been married very long (2 years) and we were together for a couple years before our marriage. She has a child from a previous marriage and I really love the kid. But, I never adopted because the kid's biological father is still in the picture, albeit very rarely. My wife and I have been having issues for about 6-8 months now and about a couple months ago, I got the "I don't love you anymore" bomb dropped on me. I can't say that it was completely unexpected with how bad our relationship had been, but I was devastated by the conversation we had. I had thought that we were having some good times mixed in with the bad but she said she had just been putting on an act to keep the peace. She was no longer interested in working on our marriage and the time for that had passed. She wanted a divorce. I couldn't understand how the time had passed to work on things because we never really talked about our problems until then. I am still very much in love with her. She wants this and I do not. Since that conversation we have had many more conversations about our relationship and she even went to marriage counseling with me twice... but stopped going after the second time as she just wasn't feeling it. I'm going on my own now and it's really been helping me. We have talked some more and decided that neither of us wants a divorce but we need to live apart for now if anything has even a remote possibility of working out between us. There have been many tearful conversations (both of us) and we admit that both of us have been at fault. She even says that she wishes she didn't feel the way she does (doesn't love me, isn't happy) and see us as best friends and even said that she has an incredible sexual attraction towards me but doesn't feel right acting on those feelings right now. She also says she cares about me and thinks I'm an amazing guy, husband, and lover but that it doesn't change the fact that she isn't happy. I think she feels guilty that she isn't in love with me any longer. She started going out with her friends around the time that things went bad for us. At the time, I was very bothered by her behavior. I would try to be supportive and we would still make time for us regardless. But, I was not invited to go along on her nights out. And my disapproval definitely showed. We fought about that and I was deemed to be controlling, jealous, and had trust issues. Also, that I didn't communicate my feelings and that I had walled myself off. I started to work on those issues. Months ago, I started seeing a different counselor than I'm seeing now for "anxiety" issues (basically all of the above rolled in to one diagnosis) and I went for a few weeks but I stopped going. I just didn't like the counselor. I thought I had got better and tried to work on these things myself. I tried to be more supportive of her and her wanting to go do things independently but she never reconnected with me. Her behavior was the same, despite the fact that I was working on my own behavior. She readily admits that she is not an easy person to live with and says that she's just not sure she can make any relationship work. This really hurts her and I kind of feel sorry that she's feeling this way about herself. I try to refrain from criticizing her very often, but I do try to calmly discuss with her when her behavior gets to me. Sometimes I wonder at some of the things she says that I do that bother her. Like cleaning the house... I feel like I do quite a bit around the house and she just isn't realizing it. Sometimes, I think the house would fall apart if I didn't take care of the things that I do. I really do feel like I do more for her and the family than she wants to give me credit for. Maybe it's just the stress of what we're both going through right now and she's grasping for excuses to not like me. I don't know... sounds like something that needs to be sorted out in counseling. I am more than certain that there is not another man in our situation. But she definitely has made new friends and has changed her lifestyle from what I used to know her as. She seems like a really fun person to be around and I wish I could share that with her. I have tried to go out on my own with friends, but I invested so much in our relationship, I lost touch with my friends. I still manage to get out and have fun on my own, but it's tough sometimes. I certainly can't keep up with her stories. We are still friendly with each other and we still share quite a bit of our lives together. We are still living together, although we do not sleep in the same bed any longer. She wants me to move out. I eventually agreed to this and I don't want to uproot the child (it's her child, not mine) by making her leave. We have decided what our separation will be like. We will still have contact and we will still see each other but less frequently than we did when living together. We will attempt to be friends first and try to have fun with each other and see where it goes from there. She is not interested in getting a divorce any time soon. So, it seems like she is willing to give it a shot for now. I don't think she is willing to go back to counseling right now and I'm not going to push it because it seems like we're getting along okay for right now. But, if we do reconcile, going to counseling together is going to be one of my conditions. I will refuse to get back together with her if we cannot work on our issues together. I am not going through this pain again without trying to fix our problems. I am moving out in a couple weeks to an apartment a couple miles away. Money has been a little tight and I'm trying to get all the bills in order and current before I go. I wonder how she's going to do financially without my income as her income will barely cover the monthly expenses. She really wants to stay in the house. I know she will make it work somehow but I'm still worried for her. I told her to not be ashamed to ask for help if she really needed it (like if the power was going to get shut off or they didn't have enough food). We have no major debts (other than the mortgage) and no major savings to split up. She is letting me walk away free and clear when I move out. My income is going to be freed up quite a bit and I'll be in a position to help her out if she needs it. I have been rather confused lately about where I stand. I don't like to ask too many questions about our relationship because I don't want to burn her out about talking about it. We are definitely friendly with each other and have quite a bit of non-relationship, non-business communications. We even laugh and joke around once in awhile. Our sex life has been pretty much non-existent for the last few weeks and before that it had gone from once every day down to once a week before it completely feel off. I stopped initiating any intimacy and that's when it stopped. A few days ago though, she initiated sex with me. I was completely shocked but willing and it was pretty amazing. The rest of the day was really good and we had a great time together. It was good for a few days, actually. Then, seemingly randomly, she just closes off again and I feel like I did something to screw up something. I try to give her space when this happens but I get really confused how she can go hot/cold like that... and it hurts. I don't think the sex really got my hopes up that our relationship is getting better. In my mind, it was just good fun that we both missed. I've still kept myself emotionally distanced but have opened up a bit with trying to be more friendly with her. I confidently talk about moving out and respecting her decisions. I let her know that I'm enjoying counseling (I actually like this one a lot) and that I'm working on myself for myself. She has been very supportive of my counseling although she doesn't want to go herself. I let her know that even if we don't get back together, I never want to go through this pain again with anyone else and for that to happen, I have to make myself who I want to be. I assure her that I will respect her boundaries as long as she lets me know what they are and if I'm pushing too hard for her. She agreed (but I don't think she always lets me know). So, that's quite a bit to read. There, of course, is a lot more to the story and I welcome any questions and comments.
Author BetterDays Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 I also wanted to add that I have been through a ton of emotions over the last half year. Mostly depression but there has been some anger, a sense of abandonment, some happiness when things seem like they might turn around, disillusion with marriage in general, etc. It's been a huge emotional roller coaster. I feel like I'm getting better though. I'm relieved that it sounds like she might want to work on things, even if we just take things slow and separate. I've even accepted that things may not work out, and that's okay too as long as it means we will both be happy again down the road. I've decided that I can't continue to live with what I had been living with for a long time. It hurts but unless we're going to fix things, I don't want to be a part of a marriage like that. I still really love her and I hope things work for both of us. Despite our problems, I think she is an amazing person and I think she feels the same about me (despite lack of love/romance).
jstobo Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Ok, 8 months ago you were me. I get a chance to tell you what I would do different if I could do it all over again. My marriage is not working out and we have two kids together, so that is a bit of a difference. Here goes tough love. Do not move out!!! She needs to move out. It's the one thing I did right. She wants this, she needs to do it. Do not sympathize regarding her needs and shortfalls. She needs to fend for herself. You are losing your Wife and she needs to lose everything that you bring to the table. Do not discuss your relationship. In fact, discuss as little with her as possible. You are lucky you do not share kids. You can literally go "no contact" and I would suggest doing so. Start exercising, buy some new clothes (even if it's one shirt and pair of shorts) and add a hobby to your life. Accept the pain. Do not think you should get over this any time soon. It has taken me 8 months and I am just now feeling better about my new life. Don't beat yourself up when you miss her!! I did EVERYTHING you have wrote about. We had amazing sex right up to the morning she moved out. We even had it a few times after she moved out. We're still getting a divorce. I believe had I handled things the way I described to you, my outcome could have been different. Since I pined over her, allowed her to have sex with me, helped financially when she needed it, freaked out whenever she did something I didn't like, begged, pleaded etc. etc. it didn't allow her to know what she was losing. I'm telling you to adopt this to give yourself the best possible chance to save your marriage, not to make it easier for you to cope. It is much harder to do what I am suggesting. Possibly the hardest thing you've ever done in your life. But it is your best chance to get your Wife back. You will see many posters in my shoes tell the same thing, so trust me here.
Mauschen Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 I'm sorry you're going through this. My ex husband went out all the time with his "friends", leaving me in the dust. Later, I found out he was cheating on me (common story here). It sounds like your wife is also cheating on you. And, where is her kid when she is going out all the time? With you? I'd keylog the computer, track her texts and phone calls, etc. Something is very fishy here.
Mauschen Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 and I agree with jstobo - don't confront her if you find she is cheating. Don't beg, plead, whine, etc. Put on a happy face, don't converse with her, get involved in activities, wear nice clothing, work out, etc. And as for her kid, even if you love the kid, make sure you're not watching the kid while she goes out to party. The kid is HER responsibility, not yours.
Author BetterDays Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 In my opinion, it doesn't matter if she's cheating on me. If she has or is, she's made that decision and me knowing about it doesn't make anything better or will change anything. I can't force her to not have an affair just as I can't force her to be happily married to me. I want a wife who is in love with me, not a prisoner. If she is having an affair, she's not happy with something and that something is what is going to have to change should we reconcile. I'm not going to do any surveillance on her as knowing details about a part of her life that she doesn't want to share isn't going to get me anything. We don't have any major assets and we don't have any major debts. There is no legal or financial gain from proving any kind of infidelity. Not to mention that if she ever found out, she'd hate me forever and it's probably quite illegal anyway. Lawyers then come into the picture and everyone pays through the nose with something that could have been done amicably. I'm sorry you're going through this. My ex husband went out all the time with his "friends", leaving me in the dust. Later, I found out he was cheating on me (common story here). It sounds like your wife is also cheating on you. And, where is her kid when she is going out all the time? With you? I'd keylog the computer, track her texts and phone calls, etc. Something is very fishy here.
jstobo Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 BetterDays, I'm going to have to disagree with you on your last post. If my Wife had a full blown physical affair, we would have been done from day 1. Period. I would have kicked her out and there would have been no turning back. Since my surveillance revealed only an Emotional Affair with nothing physical, I was willing to work things out. I just wish I worked them out differently. You're right. Knowing isn't going to change what she does or doesn't do, but it absolutely should change what you do. If you're Wife gets police involved because you're looking for the truth, then that is an entirely different issue. We have ALL done surveillance and not once have I heard the police getting involved because of it.
Author BetterDays Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 Here goes tough love. Do not move out!!! She needs to move out. It's the one thing I did right. She wants this, she needs to do it. Do not sympathize regarding her needs and shortfalls. She needs to fend for herself. You are losing your Wife and she needs to lose everything that you bring to the table. Do not discuss your relationship. In fact, discuss as little with her as possible. You are lucky you do not share kids. You can literally go "no contact" and I would suggest doing so. Start exercising, buy some new clothes (even if it's one shirt and pair of shorts) and add a hobby to your life. Accept the pain. Do not think you should get over this any time soon. It has taken me 8 months and I am just now feeling better about my new life. Don't beat yourself up when you miss her!! I did EVERYTHING you have wrote about. We had amazing sex right up to the morning she moved out. We even had it a few times after she moved out. We're still getting a divorce. I believe had I handled things the way I described to you, my outcome could have been different. Since I pined over her, allowed her to have sex with me, helped financially when she needed it, freaked out whenever she did something I didn't like, begged, pleaded etc. etc. it didn't allow her to know what she was losing. I'm telling you to adopt this to give yourself the best possible chance to save your marriage, not to make it easier for you to cope. It is much harder to do what I am suggesting. Possibly the hardest thing you've ever done in your life. But it is your best chance to get your Wife back. You will see many posters in my shoes tell the same thing, so trust me here. Thanks for the advice. Quite honestly, if she moves out then I'm screwed financially. I know I couldn't afford the house and upkeep on my own. She thinks she can buckle down and figure it out but I have doubts. While we both have pretty good incomes on our own, we have our house based on our joint incomes. We live a fairly lavish lifestyle and we don't have a lot of savings to depend on. If I walk away, my disposable income increases quite a bit while her's decreases by half. She has the burden by wanting to stay in the house. I see what you're saying about the no-contact. I can certainly see how me helping her out and giving her the emotional support of being "friends" would make it seem like she can have the milk for free, so to speak. This is good advice but it will be difficult to follow, especially since we've agreed to trying to reconcile in a way during our separation. How does one do this when you've both agreed to a trial separation?
jstobo Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Thanks for the advice. Quite honestly, if she moves out then I'm screwed financially. I know I couldn't afford the house and upkeep on my own. She thinks she can buckle down and figure it out but I have doubts. While we both have pretty good incomes on our own, we have our house based on our joint incomes. We live a fairly lavish lifestyle and we don't have a lot of savings to depend on. If I walk away, my disposable income increases quite a bit while her's decreases by half. She has the burden by wanting to stay in the house. I see what you're saying about the no-contact. I can certainly see how me helping her out and giving her the emotional support of being "friends" would make it seem like she can have the milk for free, so to speak. This is good advice but it will be difficult to follow, especially since we've agreed to trying to reconcile in a way during our separation. How does one do this when you've both agreed to a trial separation? You don't. Our marriage counselor said, "you're either working on your marriage or you're working on yourselves. Trial separations are not working on your marriage. I understand the house situation. If you're better off moving out, then go with that. Of course it will be difficult to follow. It will test your resolve more than anything ever has. But it is the best shot you have!!
Author BetterDays Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 BetterDays, I'm going to have to disagree with you on your last post. If my Wife had a full blown physical affair, we would have been done from day 1. Period. I would have kicked her out and there would have been no turning back. Since my surveillance revealed only an Emotional Affair with nothing physical, I was willing to work things out. I just wish I worked them out differently. You're right. Knowing isn't going to change what she does or doesn't do, but it absolutely should change what you do. If you're Wife gets police involved because you're looking for the truth, then that is an entirely different issue. We have ALL done surveillance and not once have I heard the police getting involved because of it. I disagree with your opinion on what's worse, a physical or emotional affair. I'd rather someone I'm with have a sex with someone they are not emotionally involved with than to build a non-physical emotional relationship with someone else. But, I agree they are both bad. It shows a huge lack of respect either way. I see what you're saying now that the idea isn't to change what she's doing but to proceed differently if I find out that she is having an affair. I don't think I could spy on her though. If I found out by chance or she made me suspicious because she slipped up with something, I think I could like at the situation more closely, but I don't think I could poke into her email or hire a PI or anything. I really don't think she's cheating on me though. She always comes home and always shares stories about her night in detail. The stories always sound reasonable, are very detailed, and my questions always get answered. Either she's a very good liar or she's telling the truth. My guess is she's telling the truth just based on knowing her character.
Author BetterDays Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 Another day, another adventure. I'm still living at our house and nothing has changed in that regard since yesterday. But I am certain that I am moving out within 2-3 weeks (as soon as I can afford it). I have mixed emotions about moving out which is better than what I had before. Previously, I didn't want to move out but agreed to move out. Now, I'm ready to be happy and not deal with any of the things that were bugging the heck out of me. At the same time, I'm still afraid of being alone and having my life completely change. I'm afraid of not having her in it any longer. But, I'm making progress. I have another counseling appt tonight. I've been going once a week. I can't wait to get in there and tell him about the last week. Sooooo much confusing stuff has happened and I need someone to bounce it off of. I wonder how he will react... This week my wife and I have got along better than we have in a long time. I don't know if it's because I'm feeling better about myself and more confident or what it is. We're halfway through the week and she hasn't gone out since Saturday night. She was supposed to go out last night but was home when I got there after work. She said she just didn't feel like going out. We've spent a lot of time together in the evenings this week, watching TV, talking, just generally hanging out. Some moments have been awkward, but for the most part we've been getting along. She did ask me where I was with getting an apartment. I told her I was giving them a deposit next week when I get paid. She didn't react to that and we moved on with the conversation. I'm not going to read into the question or lack of reaction one way or another. I don't think I would stay now even if she asked me to stay. But, it's easy to be tough when you're typing. In reality, I don't know what I would do if she came to me and asked me to stay... but I would insist on MC. Yesterday, I had to take her to urgent care. She hurt her ankle pretty bad and couldn't walk on it. There's no fracture, just a very bad sprain and she has to use crutches to get around. I've been helping her since she injured herself. She seems to truly appreciate it as she doesn't have anyone else to help her. I figure I might as well do these things for her before I move out so she can miss them once I do. She will probably be back to normal in a couple days.. at least not using crutches and won't need my help. But, I think she will remember who it was that helped her when she needed it.
robf1971 Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 Hi All... I've spent some time here just reading the threads and have already got a vibe for the community and realized that many of you are in very similar situations with similar emotions. It's been rather therapeutic reading these stories, even if most of them are rather sad. I debated about sharing my story and even typed it out a couple weeks ago but never posted it. But, here I am again, and I decided I need some support/advice more now than ever. My wife and I haven't been married very long (2 years) and we were together for a couple years before our marriage. She has a child from a previous marriage and I really love the kid. But, I never adopted because the kid's biological father is still in the picture, albeit very rarely. My wife and I have been having issues for about 6-8 months now and about a couple months ago, I got the "I don't love you anymore" bomb dropped on me. I can't say that it was completely unexpected with how bad our relationship had been, but I was devastated by the conversation we had. I had thought that we were having some good times mixed in with the bad but she said she had just been putting on an act to keep the peace. She was no longer interested in working on our marriage and the time for that had passed. She wanted a divorce. I couldn't understand how the time had passed to work on things because we never really talked about our problems until then. I am still very much in love with her. She wants this and I do not. Since that conversation we have had many more conversations about our relationship and she even went to marriage counseling with me twice... but stopped going after the second time as she just wasn't feeling it. I'm going on my own now and it's really been helping me. We have talked some more and decided that neither of us wants a divorce but we need to live apart for now if anything has even a remote possibility of working out between us. There have been many tearful conversations (both of us) and we admit that both of us have been at fault. She even says that she wishes she didn't feel the way she does (doesn't love me, isn't happy) and see us as best friends and even said that she has an incredible sexual attraction towards me but doesn't feel right acting on those feelings right now. She also says she cares about me and thinks I'm an amazing guy, husband, and lover but that it doesn't change the fact that she isn't happy. I think she feels guilty that she isn't in love with me any longer. She started going out with her friends around the time that things went bad for us. At the time, I was very bothered by her behavior. I would try to be supportive and we would still make time for us regardless. But, I was not invited to go along on her nights out. And my disapproval definitely showed. We fought about that and I was deemed to be controlling, jealous, and had trust issues. Also, that I didn't communicate my feelings and that I had walled myself off. I started to work on those issues. Months ago, I started seeing a different counselor than I'm seeing now for "anxiety" issues (basically all of the above rolled in to one diagnosis) and I went for a few weeks but I stopped going. I just didn't like the counselor. I thought I had got better and tried to work on these things myself. I tried to be more supportive of her and her wanting to go do things independently but she never reconnected with me. Her behavior was the same, despite the fact that I was working on my own behavior. She readily admits that she is not an easy person to live with and says that she's just not sure she can make any relationship work. This really hurts her and I kind of feel sorry that she's feeling this way about herself. I try to refrain from criticizing her very often, but I do try to calmly discuss with her when her behavior gets to me. Sometimes I wonder at some of the things she says that I do that bother her. Like cleaning the house... I feel like I do quite a bit around the house and she just isn't realizing it. Sometimes, I think the house would fall apart if I didn't take care of the things that I do. I really do feel like I do more for her and the family than she wants to give me credit for. Maybe it's just the stress of what we're both going through right now and she's grasping for excuses to not like me. I don't know... sounds like something that needs to be sorted out in counseling. I am more than certain that there is not another man in our situation. But she definitely has made new friends and has changed her lifestyle from what I used to know her as. She seems like a really fun person to be around and I wish I could share that with her. I have tried to go out on my own with friends, but I invested so much in our relationship, I lost touch with my friends. I still manage to get out and have fun on my own, but it's tough sometimes. I certainly can't keep up with her stories. We are still friendly with each other and we still share quite a bit of our lives together. We are still living together, although we do not sleep in the same bed any longer. She wants me to move out. I eventually agreed to this and I don't want to uproot the child (it's her child, not mine) by making her leave. We have decided what our separation will be like. We will still have contact and we will still see each other but less frequently than we did when living together. We will attempt to be friends first and try to have fun with each other and see where it goes from there. She is not interested in getting a divorce any time soon. So, it seems like she is willing to give it a shot for now. I don't think she is willing to go back to counseling right now and I'm not going to push it because it seems like we're getting along okay for right now. But, if we do reconcile, going to counseling together is going to be one of my conditions. I will refuse to get back together with her if we cannot work on our issues together. I am not going through this pain again without trying to fix our problems. I am moving out in a couple weeks to an apartment a couple miles away. Money has been a little tight and I'm trying to get all the bills in order and current before I go. I wonder how she's going to do financially without my income as her income will barely cover the monthly expenses. She really wants to stay in the house. I know she will make it work somehow but I'm still worried for her. I told her to not be ashamed to ask for help if she really needed it (like if the power was going to get shut off or they didn't have enough food). We have no major debts (other than the mortgage) and no major savings to split up. She is letting me walk away free and clear when I move out. My income is going to be freed up quite a bit and I'll be in a position to help her out if she needs it. I have been rather confused lately about where I stand. I don't like to ask too many questions about our relationship because I don't want to burn her out about talking about it. We are definitely friendly with each other and have quite a bit of non-relationship, non-business communications. We even laugh and joke around once in awhile. Our sex life has been pretty much non-existent for the last few weeks and before that it had gone from once every day down to once a week before it completely feel off. I stopped initiating any intimacy and that's when it stopped. A few days ago though, she initiated sex with me. I was completely shocked but willing and it was pretty amazing. The rest of the day was really good and we had a great time together. It was good for a few days, actually. Then, seemingly randomly, she just closes off again and I feel like I did something to screw up something. I try to give her space when this happens but I get really confused how she can go hot/cold like that... and it hurts. I don't think the sex really got my hopes up that our relationship is getting better. In my mind, it was just good fun that we both missed. I've still kept myself emotionally distanced but have opened up a bit with trying to be more friendly with her. I confidently talk about moving out and respecting her decisions. I let her know that I'm enjoying counseling (I actually like this one a lot) and that I'm working on myself for myself. She has been very supportive of my counseling although she doesn't want to go herself. I let her know that even if we don't get back together, I never want to go through this pain again with anyone else and for that to happen, I have to make myself who I want to be. I assure her that I will respect her boundaries as long as she lets me know what they are and if I'm pushing too hard for her. She agreed (but I don't think she always lets me know). So, that's quite a bit to read. There, of course, is a lot more to the story and I welcome any questions and comments. Yep, if you dig deep enough you will find she's having an affair. You say it doesn't matter? it does if you want to make it work. IMO you are being a doormat moving out of your house. Move a lodger in to make it pay, she wants out? kick her out.
findingmeagain Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Wow....are you sure she isn't planning on moving a new man in with her to help her pay for the house? That's what it sounds like to me!!!
Author BetterDays Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 Wow....are you sure she isn't planning on moving a new man in with her to help her pay for the house? That's what it sounds like to me!!! I don't think so because she has been incredibly worried about finances. She is trying to trim the fat wherever she can and has been pinching pennies like crazy.
coolheadal Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Whoever moves out needs to go. In my case we're both moving out!
Author BetterDays Posted June 24, 2011 Author Posted June 24, 2011 Whoever moves out needs to go. In my case we're both moving out! You're absolutely right. I am really looking forward to moving out and starting life anew. I truly wish her the best of luck moving forward. I will miss her but I won't miss being unhappy. Can you tell I had an awesome counseling session last night? She was really cold to me today. I have no idea why and I don't really care. We're still living under the same roof so I try to make things respectful and friendly but I'm not trying for anything. I don't know if she thinks I overstepped a boundary or something but if I did it was completely unintentional. Maybe she's pissed because I gave her the "I don't care" attitude. I don't know... doesn't matter. She went out tonight and I encouraged her to do so. I wanted some alone time and I wanted to get away from the cold shoulder routine and just lay back and enjoy the evening. She went to some party with my potential replacement (as I see it). Awesome... but what's awesome is I don't really care. Let him deal with what's coming down the pipe next time because I don't want to any longer. Probably the best part of tonight is when she tried to call me out on something stupid that I didn't do. It was a chore around the house and she wanted to know why I didn't do it yet. I simply said that I hadn't got around to doing it yet and if it bothered her then she could have taken care of it herself... and then I walked away. In hindsight, I should have said that she will need to start doing it herself because, by her wishes, I am not going to be around to do anything for her any longer. I get text messages and IMs now that I have stepped back a bit. Usually, they are all business from her but sometimes it just "hey, how are you," type of messages. I respond at some point, but not immediately. I have been emotionally removed from everything recently and I think it may be getting to her. She cries and I do not. I don't even know if I want to reconcile at this point. I just want to move on and live. It's not quite NC because we still live together but she sees that I'm moving on and I think that's getting to her. I have found through counseling that I am simply amazed at the **** I have put up with for the last few years. It all came on so slowly that I didn't even realize that I was being such a pushover. But now that I look back on it, I made it my fault that anything happened. I was always sorry. I caused all the problems. Yeah, not so much. I see now that it wasn't me. It was just me trying to hold on for those 8 seconds while I was riding the bull. You ride her till she bucks ya, or you don't ride at all. It was a good run. I love her still even though I don't think I want to be with her. I love her daughter, I love our house, I love our animals, I love everything that we built except for our own relationship. I used to love our relationship but I've been in hell for about 6 months now. I'm emotionally spent. I realized something today. There was a woman that she was really jealous about during our entire relationship... even though we were just friends (seriously). She asked me to break it off and never contact her again. So, I did. I'm sure I hurt my friend but I chose my wife. That was a couple years ago. I felt the same way about one of her friends about 6 months ago and asked her to end it. She didn't. She's out with him tonight. This is why it's over. Thanks for reading.
Mz. Pixie Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 That is her affair partner. Bet on it. A woman doesn't allow a man to walk away free from debt that easy- think about it.
Author BetterDays Posted June 24, 2011 Author Posted June 24, 2011 That is her affair partner. Bet on it. A woman doesn't allow a man to walk away free from debt that easy- think about it. Not sure what you mean by this... but this isn't my debt. There isn't even marital debt. There isn't anything to pay off other than some minor stuff that she had before she met me.
Author BetterDays Posted June 24, 2011 Author Posted June 24, 2011 Not sure what you mean by this... but this isn't my debt. There isn't even marital debt. There isn't anything to pay off other than some minor stuff that she had before she met me. Damn... I missed the top line. You may be right about that. I am not going to contest it because getting out of this marriage free and clear saves me about 50k worth of debt. So, whatever. I know the guy and if he's screwing her and she's enjoying it... have fun. It's not going to work. This may be a bit of schadenfreude ... who I am kidding, I'd love to see it play out like a soap opera just for ****s and giggles.
coolheadal Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 (edited) The wife and I still live in the same house together and she goes out with her friends and leaves me here. When it first happen I thought it was the same women crowd but then it had turned out she was hanging out with men and they were taking her to dinner and a movie. I said what! How can this be when your married. The text on the cell phone part is crazy even late at night she's at it with the text. What could be so important to text at that time at night. Today was her birthday and I couldn't take her out like I do and buy her anything. My heart wasn't there and I think you needs to understand I am not here to buy her things. Calling me up and asking for a Birthday cake was the last straw! To top it off her ex bf is in town with his wife and I couldn't face them with this. She already told him the story. Which got me so mad I had told her last night I wasn't going because you told him and I told you how I had felt about him knowing anything about us. She said whatever! You have ruin my birthday. How so? Let him paid for your dinner an etc.. I am sure his wife won't mine. Anyway take care in knowing you can leave the wife and go on with yours. Don't do anything for her and it's not going to help in the end. Mine is all gun ho that this is it. Oh well. But wanted to stay as friends. Friends that she can count on when money is not available. Not with me. Like I told once I live this town I am not coming back up here not for her not for nothing. I have another house I can use it's sealed up. I going back there to live. It was met for us but she wanted to stay in this town the other house is 1,500 miles from her. That's good enough to be away from her! I've spend all day clearing, burning documents all bank records anything that she doesn't need to get her hands on. I going to be at this for the next couple of days. I don't want to say here until July with here in here. She won't move into her new 2 room apart until August. I'll be gone and started my new life without her rude comments, wise cracks and stupid jokes, verbal attacks an etc.. Lazy wife that's cheats and lies about it.. No one should have to deal with that. The kinky stuff on the PC what did it in for me. I have proof she done that. I just wish I had known about it though. She wouldn't have got her any expensive designer bag cost me over $200 bucks for that and she's not even using it. Since she got a better one for almost $500 bucks. That's so mean of her. Now with the cell phone I got and it's only use for chatting with her men friends. AS for MC just a waste of time. She's like her dad a cheater (player). I can't stand him or his humor. Everywhere he goes he's trying to hit on women. He would say OH man I would like to do her. While his wife is at home waiting for him to bring home the milk and bread. We men need to push these type of women out of our lives. It's hurts now but think with your mind and not with your heart. Remember there are others like you sharing your pain right now. I know I am! Edited June 24, 2011 by coolheadal
2.50 a gallon Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 50K? Get out when the gettin is good. Going back to the single life is scary. I had the same problem, and you are hearing that from a guy who before he got married had not one but several black books at one time. My marriage failed and that left me wondering if another woman would ever find me attractive again. The answer to that is OH YEAH. If I were in your shoes I would use this weekend to go apartment hunting. This years crop of bikinis have already blossomed so I would begin my search in the pool area My new life began when I moved into a large singles apartment complex. I also picked up a book on gourmet cooking, and it wasn't long before I had several new pretty faces asking me if I wanted to come out and play
Author BetterDays Posted June 24, 2011 Author Posted June 24, 2011 50K? Get out when the gettin is good. Going back to the single life is scary. I had the same problem, and you are hearing that from a guy who before he got married had not one but several black books at one time. My marriage failed and that left me wondering if another woman would ever find me attractive again. The answer to that is OH YEAH. If I were in your shoes I would use this weekend to go apartment hunting. This years crop of bikinis have already blossomed so I would begin my search in the pool area My new life began when I moved into a large singles apartment complex. I also picked up a book on gourmet cooking, and it wasn't long before I had several new pretty faces asking me if I wanted to come out and play To be fair, I had a couple drinks last night so I was a little dramatic. The house is under water so that's where the figure came from. It's only that much debt if the house was sold. I think everyone's house under water these days. bleh... Also, I don't really think that OM is going to replace me or that he's even an OM. I used to think that months ago but I was wrong. I don't even think they are screwing around. I know I don't like him and I don't like her hanging out with him but they aren't screwing around. It's a purely platonic relationship. But, I still don't like it and the relationship is inappropriate. There is information that I'm not comfortable sharing that proves this. I have an apartment picked out. Just waiting for payday to roll around again so I can finalize everything. No more posting when I have a few drinks for me. I say stupid things.
Author BetterDays Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 So... big update here and I could really use some support. She took off this weekend and went out Saturday afternoon. She packed an overnight bag and I knew she wasn't coming home. I did the NC thing. Then Sunday she texted me that she was staying at a friend's house. I didn't say anything back. I was angry. It was a long and horrible weekend for me. Then, she texted me this morning asking how my weekend was, like nothing was wrong. 20 minutes later when I didn't respond, she texted me again asking if I wasn't talking to her anymore. I didn't respond. Then she jumped on IM and said hi. I responded at that point but kept it very short. I wasn't mean or anything, just detached and I didn't really talk to her that much. Fast forward to tonight. I get another text saying that she's not coming home tonight. I call her 2 minutes later and no answer. I text her that it's fine she's not coming home but please call me. I haven't heard anything yet. I don't know if I should push it. I want to know where she's been and who she was with. If she would just tell me there was someone else I could move on. Last week she said she wanted to be friends and work on things but now she's done a complete 180. Everyone tells me there is someone else and despite trying to find evidence I can't find anything to support that. I'm in limbo right now. I want to let go but I'm not sure if there's anything to hold on to in the first place. I don't want to do anything that might screw up anything. I don't know if I should try to call or text her again. I know I probably shouldn't but it's killing me not knowing where I stand or what she's been up to. Maybe I should have talked to her more today when she contacted me. Maybe NC wasn't the right thing to do in this situation... I don't know. Help!!!!
TroyNJ Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Listen, your wife is out screwing another man, at times she will talk to you because at this point you are plan "B". You must make her leave the house. Your marriage is over, I know you don't want to hear that but as of now it is.
TheBadOne Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Your going to have to reel in your emotions and take a stand. I think you finally have your answer about whether she is having an affair. The question is what are you going to do about it. It's time for you to leave, it doesn't matter if you have to put the deposit on a credit card, leave now and leave a note saying your fine and to please not contact you. Let her know that you are filing for divorce and she should expect the paperwork in a few months. For future reference when a women is going out all the time while trying to pinch pennies, be reassured there is a man, or men footing the bill. Also, if your the one paying for the phone bill and Internet, you can legally request the logs from the provider. Good luck and stay strong. If you take these steps I can guarantee she will come back begging. Please don't take her back.
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