superchiefs Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Just to explain my situation one more time, my finance dumped me 2 months ago after being together for 5.5 years. During this time, she has started "hanging" out with a male coworker. To me, it sounds like she is dating him, but whenever she tells me about him, she says he isnt her boyfriend and that she isnt in a relationship right now. She keeps contacting me every several days to tell me how depressed and lonely she is and how she doesnt have anyone that she can talk to about it except me. Unfortunately, I have kept responding back to her. But I want this to stop. So I am thinking I should send her 1 final email, telling her that things between us are over and she needs to start calling her new boyfriend when she is feeling down because I am done being there for her. Do you think I should do this, or should I just try harder to not answer or respond the next time she is feeling depressed?
2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 It does sound from what you are saying that she has friend-zoned you and is now giving you all her woes about her new man and wants you to make her feel better. Tell her that you are not going to accept being second-best and being a shoulder to cry on, that if she wants to talk about getting back together then phone you otherwise do not contact you. 2011
OhMittens Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 I think you're making the right move. Good for you
radiodarcy Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 assuming you haven't already told her any of this before and that you are the type of person to commit to an act when you say you will - - go ahead and write the e-mail. but after that no more contact. i wrote a similar message to my ex over IM and it actually made it easier to stick to NC afterwards because this time i had committed it to writing - - not only to him but -- more importantly: to myself.
stray Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 I would not send her an email. If she calls or texts you again, then just tell her what you want to say at that point. Just say you don't want to deal with her mind games anymore, and that if she ever grows up, maybe you guys can be friends then. Aside from that, do not contact her anymore. It all boils down to games, and drama. If you ever, ever, ever want any kind of vindication, you need to stop playing the games. Don't send the letter.
Chi townD Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 You send her an e-mail telling her to tell it to her boyfriend, then you're gonna get an e-mail from her telling you that he isn't her boyfriend, then your gonna respond and say....yada...yada.... Silence speaks volumes. She'll get the picture after a while.
bigmomma1974 Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 I think you should do what you think is best for you. Sometimes w riting an email and explaining you want no contact is the best thing for someone to do to help them move forward and to ignore any contact she tries to make with you. Sometimes its best to just ignore her all together. If I was in your shoes I would write an email letting her know you do not want her contacting you anymore and to seek advice from someone else. That you 2 are through and you need time to sort your life out without her being in it. Good luck to you.
AlisaMarie Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 I understand after 5 and a half years it's hard to get out all you want to say... but like mentioned, she probably will respond to your email then it will go back in fourth and on and on. I have to agree with the person that told you to respond to one of her text to what you want to say. But I would just tell her she made her bed, lay in it because you are busy moving on with your life and no longer have concern for her loneliness. Obviously she caused it herself.
Author superchiefs Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 Ok, after reading all the responses, I guess I wont send an email because as some others mentioned, all that will result in is her emailing me back and things are bad enough when she contacts me every several days saying how depressed and lonely she is. I just dont want to experience any more pain from this.
geegirl Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Ok, after reading all the responses, I guess I wont send an email because as some others mentioned, all that will result in is her emailing me back and things are bad enough when she contacts me every several days saying how depressed and lonely she is. I just dont want to experience any more pain from this. No email Super. You'll email. She will cry. You will feel bad. You'll take her contact. She'll play at your heartstrings. You'll cave. Then back to square one. She's a big girl. She understands how this works. She'll probably contact and make you feel like you're the bad one. Don't cave. It's manipulation. If you really want to make a dent in this one, a big dent, stay silent. Focus on you. If you don't want to experience pain anymore, NC. NC pain is temporary. CONTACT pain is indefinite. Choose.
hearttopieces Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 If I were you I would do this: Tell her face to face that this situation is hurting you and that you have decided that you will not be answering her calls and texts anymore. Then go no contact. I think it would be better than the email because she could see that you mean it for real... If you are strong egough to do it of course.
geegirl Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 If I were you I would do this: Tell her face to face that this situation is hurting you and that you have decided that you will not be answering her calls and texts anymore. Then go no contact. I think it would be better than the email because she could see that you mean it for real... If you are strong egough to do it of course. He's initiated NC many times with her and has broken it. It doesn't matter whether NC is initiated face to face, email, text, snail mail -- if your mind is determined and set on using NC for YOU, it doesn't matter how you do it. His silence will send a message to her that he means it.
Author superchiefs Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 He's initiated NC many times with her and has broken it. It doesn't matter whether NC is initiated face to face, email, text, snail mail -- if your mind is determined and set on using NC for YOU, it doesn't matter how you do it. His silence will send a message to her that he means it. I am going to have to agree with geegirl on this. Every day I need to tell myself, if she tries to contact me, I am either not going to answer or not going to respond. Not responding to her attempts for attention will be the best answer. I have really been regretting responding to her message 2 days ago because my clock could be at 13 days instead of 1.5 days right now.
Chi townD Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Okay, here's what you need to do. She might contact you again. If she does, your first knee jerk reaction is to respond. Here's what I need you to do. STOP! Take a deep breath and log onto here. Post something, ANYTHING! Post what she wrote you and how that makes you feel. VENT!! Then, read what people have to say about it. USE AND ABUSE US! That's what we're here for! We're here to get you through the tough times!
sunshine103 Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Excellent Idea Chi Town! EXCELLENT!!! Now let's see if he will do it!
geegirl Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Chi Town is right. This is not the end Super. This the beginning! She is going to get in her bulldozer and start her engine. She's going to come barreling down. Along with coming here and abusing us, print the posts where you clearly were disappointed and hurt when you broke NC. When she starts 'dozing her way down, don't react. DON'T REACT. Read and remind yourself of how you felt when you broke NC, what came of it and what will come of it if you break. Post. Whine. Do something, anything. Just don't react. This is like a drug you know. You're detoxing. You're going to be slapping that arm. But it will pass.
Author superchiefs Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 Ok, I will certainly do just that and post here what she sends me and then see what everyone's thoughts are about it.
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