dear Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Hello everyone, I'm new. I came to these forums because I needed some help in order to become a better person. I'm currently stuck in a deep abyss of confusion and hate towards my persona. I'm in my early 20's and have only had 2 serious relationships that ended because of my verbal/emotional abuse. I've dated a lot but I guess my abusive side only came out with the relationships because of the length of the time spent with that person. My first relationship had it's ups and downs and only lasted 6 months and we just stopped talking to each other. I never reflected on it because I really just stopped caring about that person. The last relationship stopped after 6 months because of my verbal abuse but we got back together and we broke up again 2 months later. After that we took our time and did not talk for about 6 months and just recently started talking again and rekindled our feelings but again it just ended because of my emotional abuse. The problem is that I really do care deeply for this girl and no matter how long or how apart we may seem, I always think about her and I sincerely do miss being with her, talking to her and having her in my life everyday. You may think, "If you loved her so much, you wouldn't have treated her the way you did." right? The fact of the matter is, I didn't know what was wrong with me until I read an article on emotional abuse today which opened my eyes and made me feel very sad and hurt that I was doing this to the person I loved the most. As the article portrays it to be, it's a sickness, a disease, and I admit that I have it. I wouldn't have considered myself an abuser at all because for some reason it just seemed like an automatic response trying to manipulate friends, family, and girlfriends and verbally abusing them without even knowing the damage it was causing. I don't know what to do, this girl I feel is the one for me, I truly fell in love with her but after so many chances I don't know if she would take me back this time. I snapped after I asked her if she could drive an hour to come see at like 12am and she said no( I felt like she didnt care about me as much as I did about her). I just always expected her to be there for me but by yelling abusive words and telling her to F*** off and that I could do better than her was in no way a response I should have muttered. I wasn't aware of this sickness I had until I sat down calmly and examined our entire relationship and my past relationship and my home situation with my siblings (which I emotionally abuse as well). All that information in the article hit me, hit me really hard and I'm scared more than anything that my actions have caused me to lose the people that I love the most. The girl said that she is really done and doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I had crossed the line she said. I've been trying to call her and apologize but she just picks up and hangs up. I don't know what to do. I was thinking of trying to talk to her in person (I don't know if she will come out and see me because she's so hurt and angry) by going to her house but then again that would mean I'm not respecting her boundaries and once again I will be abusive. The problem is I love this girl so much and that's a feeling i think will never change, and I still believe that she feels the same way but she is just really angry and hurt right now. I want to change, now that I know what has been affecting my life I really do. I don't know why I am how I am or what happened to me in my earlier childhood that got me this way but I really want to change for myself and for everyone around me especially her. Advice please! Thank you!
FakePlasticTree Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Some lessons are only learned the hard way. You need to fix yourself and that will take some time. Don't assume that you have changed already after a brief amount of time. She may not come back, but you need to make sure that the lesson learned is ingrained in you as much as possible.
bigmomma1974 Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 I think you should seek theraphy and get to the root of your anger. Once you find out why your so angry you can fix the abusive behaviour. This will only happen if your willing to put forth 100% of your time and effort. You may have messed up this relationship and you may be feeling horrible about it but that isnt the mossst important issues with yusiveou in my opinion, You have some serious healing to do and some serious soul searching to figure out why you are verbally abusive. If I was you I would email your ex tell her you know now what you did wrong and you are working on fixing that and after you have successfully finished therphy or what ever it is your decide then maybe you too can talk. Noone deserves to be abused in anyway and you took the first step of admitting your wrong doing, now take steps to fix it.
AlisaMarie Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Dear, I am seriously crying right now because when I started to read it, I thought you were my ex. The thing I admire about you right now is that you are facing your problems and you know what to do. I am sorry, but your time is worn thin with this girl. My ex had the same actions the led me to hate myself for even putting up with it. Every day I just prayed that he wouldn't put me down and be nice. He played the victim when the only person causing pain in his life was himself. My ex would NEVER admit to not being right in the head... and if he did... it would be in a calm emotional talk that he would deny the next day. We ended our on and off 2 year relationship last week and I am devastated, but like your ex, I would not, could not, and should not go back until much time has passed and he proves to have worked on himself... like you have to do. Does your ex know of your mental problems or does she just thing that you are being a d**k?
TheVSilent Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Hey man, I'm reading what you put on here and it is so strangely similar that it scares me. For years I put my ex girlfriend through emotional abuse, and I was so terrible to her that when she left me, it was shocked because I took her for granted and thought she would always put up with my bull****, but that was far from the truth. I didn't really start to realize what I was doing to her until after she was gone, and man it feels like I'm literally sick everyday without her. I tried to talk to her but she deleted me from her life man, told me to never talk to her again and haven't heard from her in a month. It is best you leave her alone, all the contact I tried to make just ended up driving her further and further away and set me back from trying to actually learn from this. I can't say if she will ever come back, we may have hurt them so much that they look at us as evil people, all I can say is work on yourself like I'm doing, and maybe one day she will either try to estabish contact and you can prove to her you have truly changed, or the next woman you are with you won't treat so bad. I too am thinking I may never find another, but I'm hoping that feeling will pass over time, if you love someone you got to let them go, it hurts so bad but it is best for us to grow as people.
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