stace79 Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 (edited) Really down this week. Anyone who reads my posts probably realizes I don't think much of people who pursue someone who's in a relationship or married. But, one thing I have been trying to accept this week is that ultimate responsibility for faithfulness rests with our SOs, NOT these other men and women. I have been trying to work out issues with my on/off BF/fiance since April 1. Things were great for a few weeks. He told me he still loved me and vice versa. He said it was just us, and we were more or less dating exclusively to see if we could be happy together again. This changed in his mind, and he failed to inform me. So, we were still sleeping together but he started flirting with another girl on Twitter, he became FB friends with her, and then I found out last week he got her phone number and has been calling her, too. (She lives 800 miles from us and is getting divorced & has 2 kids, but still - he flirted with her and I think the "friendship" was inappropriate given his behavior/words toward me.) When I started expressing my concern (and then getting angry and fighting with him about it), he told me he was a "single guy" and kept reminding me that "we are not together and I'm going to talk to my friends". Anyway, I villainized this girl. Indirectly said things on Twitter referencing her. And what I am realizing is that it isn't her fault. My SO could have decided I was worth being committed to and told her, and cut off the friendship or at least stopped the one-on-one calls and flirtatiousness. But he didn't. He either isn't being truthful about his feelings toward me, or he doesn't care enough about me to make a commitment. Either way, I deserve better and it is not this other girl's fault. It is really hard knocking someone you love and desire off the pedestal we put them on. It hurts that there is no one to blame here but him. And despite knowing in my gut he doesn't want me enough and that I deserve better than this, I STILL want him to call me. =/ Love is so cruel. Addition: Also after the Twitter thing, he decided he wants to proactively try to maintain a friendship with the girl he dated while we were on a break (that he also slept with). He met her for breakfast one morning. Told me about it upfront, but didn't care how much it upset me. He also still talks to other girls he's dated on the phone or via email/online. Edited June 21, 2011 by stace79 Addition
keepsmilin74 Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 he told me he was a "single guy" Hi, one month lurker, first time poster here, read your other threads - seems to me he considers you're just dating and unexclusvely, but you want more. I think by now you already know the answers. If you care about planning a future, leave him. If not, stay and enjoy the dating and wear the drama. You can't change him and should look elsewhere... but you're really into him, he's just not that into you... ouch. Some people can live with this kind of dramatic life, some even thrive on it. Are you one of those people?
Author stace79 Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 You are right. The thing that bothered me most and that was hard to accept is that his stance changed over the past couple months of seeing each other. Had he told me this on April 1, the first time we hung out again, I would not have pursued this. I'd have said goodbye then. He says in the beginning he thought we could work toward being in a relationship again, but over time his thoughts changed and he decided he needed to be single for awhile. He just didn't clue me in to that change in thinking; instead he just started acting that way with no forewarning to me. So, when he started flirting with a girl on twitter or talking with this girl he dated while we were apart, it felt to me like a betrayal of trust. One thing you are right about though is that I need to find a way to suck it up and cut him off. If he doesn't know he wants to be with me, then he certainly shouldn't get the benefit of my love and kindness.
Author stace79 Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 I think what I am realizing is that this is also an area in which I need improvement.... I need to learn how to date and not push things, with not just this guy but anyone. I am always focused on the end result, being that I want a committed relationship. I think part of this is because I am not comfortable alone.
keepsmilin74 Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Aww, I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting commitment and not being comfortable alone. And since it's been a couple of years "dating" this guy, I don't know if you could call that "pushing" either. What osoda said.
Rinas Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 I have read your previous threads. I think it's time to cut the one common factor, your boyfriend. He doesn't want to settle, he wants to be able to have his cake and eat it. I understand that you care for him, but why wait for someone who's too busy seeking out better options? This thread shows that you've caught on, I hope that you'll be able to move on. You deserve the best.
Author stace79 Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 I know you are probably right. I know deep in my head and heart that I can't make him want me or whatever. So I won't try to defend him, but this is what he tells me: He is seeing a counselor because he has problems dealing with change and loss. So he says even girls he dated very briefly, he always tries to consider friends first, because that way if it doesn't work out, he wants them to remain in his life as a friend. (Which we all know doesn't usually work.) He says that when we spend time together on the weekends or whatever, that it is hard to imagine being with anyone but me. But then during the week, he struggles not seeing me as much. (I live an hour from him and we obviously both have jobs.) He says his counselor is helping him, but it's obviously hard for me to decide to just move on when I obviously love him a lot. (Otherwise I would NOT have stuck around for this garbage.) I always feel like IF he would really commit, that we could be very, very happy. Most of our issues have stemmed from his inability to make a decision and stick to it, because of his discomfort with loss and change.
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