Insecure and Low self esteem

[lilmissinsecure]

Hi i know i have low self esteem and im insecure which is a major problem for me. Its been this way quite a while and im sick to death of being this way. I was wondering if anyone could help on how i can well get better?

 

My problem is my bf watching porn. When i find out i cry. The reason i cry i think is because im worried the women hes looking at are prettier and have better bodies than me and i worry that the reason hes looking at them is because hes bored with me and prefers other women. Im the same when a music video comes on or a film that has a naked woman in or near enough naked woman in. I sit there and think he thinks she hotter than me, etc etc.

 

I know many of you will think omg how pathetic. But im genuinely asking for advice on how to stop this affecting me in this way. It genuinely does hurt me and i obbsess about it all the time. I find myself losing sleep and getting really anxious about it. Its not just this bf that its happened with its all bfs. Ive been with my current bf 4 years and im more than willing in the bedroom department. In fact i try to be up for it all the time so he doesnt go off me. I find though that with his job hes tired alot so he goes to bed with me and he doesnt want to do anything and then masturbates in the morning. After having sex occasionally i found that he was watching porn a fair bit. This upset me as he was always too tired to have sex with me.

 

Im in no way saying that my bf is wrong for watching porn so please dont start with abuse. Im asking for advice on how to stop letting it make me feel the way i do and also why am i feeling like this. Im desperate for advice. I hope someone can help many thanks .

[momof2-2011]

Hi i know i have low self esteem and im insecure which is a major problem for me. Its been this way quite a while and im sick to death of being this way. I was wondering if anyone could help on how i can well get better?

 

My problem is my bf watching porn. When i find out i cry. The reason i cry i think is because im worried the women hes looking at are prettier and have better bodies than me and i worry that the reason hes looking at them is because hes bored with me and prefers other women. Im the same when a music video comes on or a film that has a naked woman in or near enough naked woman in. I sit there and think he thinks she hotter than me, etc etc.

 

I know many of you will think omg how pathetic. But im genuinely asking for advice on how to stop this affecting me in this way. It genuinely does hurt me and i obbsess about it all the time. I find myself losing sleep and getting really anxious about it. Its not just this bf that its happened with its all bfs. Ive been with my current bf 4 years and im more than willing in the bedroom department. In fact i try to be up for it all the time so he doesnt go off me. I find though that with his job hes tired alot so he goes to bed with me and he doesnt want to do anything and then masturbates in the morning. After having sex occasionally i found that he was watching porn a fair bit. This upset me as he was always too tired to have sex with me.

 

Im in no way saying that my bf is wrong for watching porn so please dont start with abuse. Im asking for advice on how to stop letting it make me feel the way i do and also why am i feeling like this. Im desperate for advice. I hope someone can help many thanks .

 

 

Hi hun i dont know how others are treating u about ur issue but u are SO not alone on this. i have the same problem with me it made me hate myself because of the thoughts " is he thinking of them while having sex with me , is it me, am i pretty enough , ect " until now i am to the point i hate majority of other female not cause they doing something wrong but do 2 the fact i dont feel good about my self . in reality i think 99.9 % of other females are better looking then i am ... i know i cant help u out but i just wanted u to know u are not alone keep ur head up girl its not easy but i hope things will get better for the both of us;)

[LuciaLove]

Everyone in their life goes through insecurity about themselves, body etc. I think it would be important for you to address what is causing you to feel so insecure. Perhaps there is something that happened in your past? I would really recommend going to a counselor and addressing this.

 

In the short run I would find something YOU LOVE to do. If you don't know what that is yet go try some things: cooking classes, running, hiking. Check your local community centre and see if they have any programs or classes.

 

It sounds like your selfworth is tied to sexual confirmation from your partner. We all want to feel beautiful and sexy, but why not find an alternate source to affirm your selfworth? Discover who you are, and start enjoying doing things with your amazing body (other than sex).

 

Stupid short tip: Buy yourself a beautiful bouquet of flowers. The one that YOU WANT.

 

About your boyfriend watching porn. Men masturbate for many different reasons ie. stress relief. The fact that he's not getting it from you ALL the time..sometimes it's just easier by yourself because you don't have to coordinate,think about the other person and their likes/dislikes/feelings (it doesn't come naturally to them- it's an effort). It's like instant coffee instead of a Latte Skim Milk with a vanilla shot (uh hum, that's you!). Sometime you just want to grab and go!

 

Have you ever enjoyed yourself? Little bubble bath, some wine. Learn to love your body first and by yourself without a man around! (It's fun! Trust me - our bodies can do amazing things - and another reason to worship/love it) It sounds right now like you view sex as a chore to keep him interested you have sex with him even when you're not really into it. Figure out what you're really into!!

 

When you do share it with him, I bet you he'll love it when you're all turned on and into what you're doing!

 

I once heard a naked women thinks: "Does he notice my jiggly bits? Does my ass look right in this position? Is my tummy tight enough? Is my skin smooth enough? Oh gawd, do I look funny from this position....etc"

A man things: "Thank gawd a naked women!"

 

 

Men realize that the women in porn are fake and boring, and fantasies that are empty. They get more turned on by a women that loves them and herself than a dumb bimbo with skinny tummies. Those are the 'instant coffees' the 'quick fixes' when they don't want to think.

 

Lastly, have you talked to your boyfriend? Is he telling you how beautiful you are? Is he giving you the right kind of affirmation that you actually 'hear'. Sometimes we need to TELL them what we want to hear and how we need to hear it so we know it is true.

 

Lastly, when I feel not pretty I get myself a little piece of lingerie - not for him, per se, but he does eventually reap the rewards. The trick is to get something that YOU LOVE and feel comfortable in. It's about YOU! Making YOU feel good.

 

Hope that helps! Don't forget that you ARE beautiful.

[lilmissinsecure]

thankyou for replying. I have relaised i need help and ive been to see a counsellor. Ive only had one session so far but im going to keep on going. She believes im like i am because of something to do with my childhood. I suppose ive got to explore what.

 

Also my bf watches ameteur porn so its real people. It makes me feel like hes looking for better

[PegNosePete]

I once heard a naked women thinks: "Does he notice my jiggly bits? Does my ass look right in this position? Is my tummy tight enough? Is my skin smooth enough? Oh gawd, do I look funny from this position....etc"

A man things: "Thank gawd a naked women!"

Absolutely right! Except I would say a man's thoughts are more like, "Geronimo!!!"

[vsmini]

thankyou for replying. I have relaised i need help and ive been to see a counsellor. Ive only had one session so far but im going to keep on going. She believes im like i am because of something to do with my childhood. I suppose ive got to explore what.

 

Also my bf watches ameteur porn so its real people. It makes me feel like hes looking for better

 

Just some unsolicited advice - because I've seen in happen at least 5-8 times with close family or friends who went to therapy - YES, almost everything that is "wrong" with us can be traced back to some childhood issue or events. But make sure if/when you do find out the cause (mom, dad issues, bullying, etc) that you do not BLAME those people for everything that you find flawed about you. I have a couple friends who found out they really had daddy-issues and now everything is the dad's fault....every little thing. Even down to being late for work (srsly - they blame their father for making them narcissists so they feel they can blame him for being late to their own jobs) and the girl that does this is going to school for her PHD in Psychiatry!!!!

 

I'm not saying you will - but a lot of therapists encourage people to blame their childhood for their insecurity but don't teach them how to grow from it - next thing you know - you're still insecure but now just blaming everyone under the sun for it except yourself.

[oldguy]

There seems to be a few things here that I think probably need some attention but fist & most importantly is your self image & esteem. You need to know where it comes from. I very much agree with vsmini's quote; even if you learn it is rooted in your past don't blame that person or persons. A good therapist, & I'd like to think I was one, will help you take ownership of how you feel NOW. Please don't confuse that with blame or ownership for what may of happen, but ownership of how you are responding today. By the way, if someone does have issues because they where abused for instance, it's very healthy to allow yourself to get really pissed off at that person. Again, a good therapist will help you with that. Anger is not a bad thing, in fact it's a good thing, as long as you work through it & not live with it. But then we're getting ahead of ourselves here, we don't know why you have esteem issues yet.

[oldguy]

Also, have you talked to your bf & let him know this bothers you & have you asked him to stop or at least be more sensitive about it?

 

His porn may or may not be a problem & since he isn't asking for help I don't care. But it is a problem for you so I would think he needs to be aware and sensitive to you about it.

[lilmissinsecure]

thankyou everyone. I agree and i will try my hardest not to blame people after all the way i feel about something isn't anyones fault but my own and only i can change that. In a way back in my teenager years i can see where this insecuirty stems from, maybe thats the issue maybe not but i suppose all i can do is try and solve this and be...well normal

 

Has anyone had counselling for insecurity / self esteem issues and have got better. Im worried because mine seems to be quite bad. I really want to feel better about myself. Im just scared i never will

[oldguy]

thankyou everyone. I agree and i will try my hardest not to blame people after all the way i feel about something isn't anyones fault but my own and only i can change that. In a way back in my teenager years i can see where this insecuirty stems from, maybe thats the issue maybe not but i suppose all i can do is try and solve this and be...well normal

 

Has anyone had counselling for insecurity / self esteem issues and have got better. Im worried because mine seems to be quite bad. I really want to feel better about myself. Im just scared i never will

 

I spent nearly 30 years counselling people and much of it involved self esteem issues and yes, people do get better all of the time. Keep seeing your therapist & be honest.

[lilmissinsecure]

I spent nearly 30 years counselling people and much of it involved self esteem issues and yes, people do get better all of the time. Keep seeing your therapist & be honest.

 

Thankyou, i suppose im just worried that ill never be normal. My counsellor told me it seems to be ingrained so deep that its like its automatic for me. In a way though im also scared to trust my bf in fear that if i do trust him he will go behind my back and cheat or something because he knows if im better i wont be worrying and checking anymore. This all sounds so ridiculous i know but im just writing down what im thinking. Im honestly not a total cow. This all makes me feel like a bad person and thats one thing throughout my life that ive tried not to be. More than likely though because of that i get walked all over. I cant really win

[oldguy]

Thankyou, i suppose im just worried that ill never be normal. My counsellor told me it seems to be ingrained so deep that its like its automatic for me. In a way though im also scared to trust my bf in fear that if i do trust him he will go behind my back and cheat or something because he knows if im better i wont be worrying and checking anymore. This all sounds so ridiculous i know but im just writing down what im thinking. Im honestly not a total cow. This all makes me feel like a bad person and thats one thing throughout my life that ive tried not to be. More than likely though because of that i get walked all over. I cant really win

 

Myself or anyone here at LS could give you good, off the cuff, general life advice but without knowing the details of you situation or you, the way your therapist will, anything much deeper could be counter productive. So, it's great that you are journal-ling. Not only will that help you to "get things out", it often will help present things to you in a clear or obvious way. Things you know but never really knew until you read them back at times. And it's a great reference or reminder of things you might want to share with your counselor at times. You might want to keep a highlighter handy when you read back your journals to underscore points you may want to share with the theropist. I say this because it is important that you know your journal is yours so you wont be inhibited or posture if you believe someone else might have access to it.

 

Speaking of posturing, one bit of advice I would share is this; your counselor is not your new found best friend, they are a trusted professional who you are paying to help you. The reason I say they are not your friend is because too many people develop a natural attachment to their therapist after sharing their deepest feelings & faults, again, this is natural. The problem is people then begin to posture because they are afraid of what the therapist will think of us. This is muddying the water & that gets in the way of your therapy. Don't confuse being friendly with being best buds okay? You could develop a pre-appointment mantra like; "this person is a trusted, (by law), professional who I am paying to help me overcome or resolve personal & inner conflicts, we will never have coffee, (outside of the office), or lunch together, (as friends)". We get paid to make people feel better, an hour at a time, we are "whore's" JK. Best of luck to you.

Edited June 25, 2011 by oldguy

[lilmissinsecure]

Myself or anyone here at LS could give you good, off the cuff, general life advice but without knowing the details of you situation or you, the way your therapist will, anything much deeper could be counter productive. So, it's great that you are journal-ling. Not only will that help you to "get things out", it often will help present things to you in a clear or obvious way. Things you know but never really knew until you read them back at times. And it's a great reference or reminder of things you might want to share with your counselor at times. You might want to keep a highlighter handy when you read back your journals to underscore points you may want to share with the theropist. I say this because it is important that you know your journal is yours so you wont be inhibited or posture if you believe someone else might have access to it.

 

Speaking of posturing, one bit of advice I would share is this; your counselor is not your new found best friend, they are a trusted professional who you are paying to help you. The reason I say they are not your friend is because too many people develop a natural attachment to their therapist after sharing their deepest feelings & faults, again, this is natural. The problem is people then begin to posture because they are afraid of what the therapist will think of us. This is muddying the water & that gets in the way of your therapy. Don't confuse being friendly with being best buds okay? You could develop a pre-appointment mantra like; "this person is a trusted, (by law), professional who I am paying to help me overcome or resolve personal & inner conflicts, we will never have coffee, (outside of the office), or lunch together, (as friends)". We get paid to make people feel better, an hour at a time, we are "whore's" JK. Best of luck to you.

 

lol thank you i know what you mean and people can get attatched to there counsellors. I know that she is a professional. So i dont think it will be a problem although when i met her i did hold back things because i was worried what she will think of me. That is one of my problems. I worry what people think :S I think next time ill try and be totally honest with her otherwise she wont be able to help. Thanks

[oldguy]

lol thank you i know what you mean and people can get attatched to there counsellors. I know that she is a professional. So i dont think it will be a problem although when i met her i did hold back things because i was worried what she will think of me. That is one of my problems. I worry what people think :S I think next time ill try and be totally honest with her otherwise she wont be able to help. Thanks

I do the same thing, we all have a need to be liked. My focus where on facts. The clients feelings for instance are facts. My other focus was to not enter into their world, so not getting involved with judgement made me a more efficient counselor & went a long why to helping me stay grounded or keep my sanity when dealing with peoples personal problems all day, every day. A good analogy I like was to compare a therapist to a car mechanic. The mechanic doesn't care or barely notices if he's changing the oil in a luxury car or a pick up truck. And when he's driving home at night or a passenger in someone else s car he isn't thinking about how all of the engine components are interacting, he's just riding down the road. When I would meet new people in my personal life sometimes I would see this, "tense" reaction when they found out what I did for a living. Almost like they thought I had some psycic ability or I could see into their soul, . and then they would either become very tight lipped or start telling me their problems . My point to this is; be open & honest & do your homework & work with your therapists, he/she is most likely not psychic so they need your participation and unless you confide in them about some illegal activity you are engaged in, anything you tell them is (legally) confidential. Edited June 25, 2011 by oldguy

[lilmissinsecure]

I do the same thing, we all have a need to be liked. My focus where on facts. The clients feelings for instance are facts. My other focus was to not enter into their world, so not getting involved with judgement made me a more efficient counselor & went a long why to helping me stay grounded or keep my sanity when dealing with peoples personal problems all day, every day. A good analogy I like was to compare a therapist to a car mechanic. The mechanic doesn't care or barely notices if he's changing the oil in a luxury car or a pick up truck. And when he's driving home at night or a passenger in someone else s car he isn't thinking about how all of the engine components are interacting, he's just riding down the road. When I would meet new people in my personal life sometimes I would see this, "tense" reaction when they found out what I did for a living. Almost like they thought I had some psycic ability or I could see into their soul, . and then they would either become very tight lipped or start telling me their problems . My point to this is; be open & honest & do your homework & work with your therapists, he/she is most likely not psychic so they need your participation and unless you confide in them about some illegal activity you are engaged in, anything you tell them is (legally) confidential.

 

thanks, ill definatley try and tell her everything. Im not involved in anything illegal so shouldnt be a problem. Im really hoping it helps