Do I HAVE to invite her to my wedding?

[whichwayisup]

RM, she's already stated that the girl is ugly inside and out- I am picturing angry fat girl when she says that.

 

There is something you are not understanding though- this is a close knit group of friends- 6 couples to be exact. If she doesn't invite the WIFE of her Husbands close friend- SHE is going to be the bad guy. She will alienate herself and possibly her husband from his group of friends in the future. It's not worth it to take this stand.

 

By not inviting this woman that is a part of her husbands friend group, and the wife of one of his close friends... She'd be committing social suicide, for both her and her husband.

 

There is no way around this invitation. It has to be there. You can't alienate a spouse in this situation, no matter how much you hate them.

My MIL was an evil, angry, horrible bitch to me- and I had to invite her to my wedding. It's just politics.

 

Exactly!! And inviting the wench to the wedding is the proper and right thing to do, she should and can rise above the crap and bitchyness. And not inviting her to the wedding will ruin the dynamic between that group and in the end, her husband loses his closest friend.

 

Tough situation to be in, so all the suggestions and advice she can get is helpful!

[tigressA]

RM, she's already stated that the girl is ugly inside and out- I am picturing angry fat girl when she says that.

 

There is something you are not understanding though- this is a close knit group of friends- 6 couples to be exact. If she doesn't invite the WIFE of her Husbands close friend- SHE is going to be the bad guy. She will alienate herself and possibly her husband from his group of friends in the future. It's not worth it to take this stand.

 

By not inviting this woman that is a part of her husbands friend group, and the wife of one of his close friends... She'd be committing social suicide, for both her and her husband.

 

There is no way around this invitation. It has to be there. You can't alienate a spouse in this situation, no matter how much you hate them.

 

My MIL was an evil, angry, horrible bitch to me- and I had to invite her to my wedding. It's just politics.

 

I don't think being tolerant of someone being routinely singled out for mistreatment is a mark of a true friend, so IMO the OP or her future husband does not need these "friends".

[whichwayisup]

I don't think being tolerant of someone being routinely singled out for mistreatment is a mark of a true friend, so IMO the OP or her future husband does not need these "friends".

 

Yeah but how does she tell her future husband this, when these are friends, especially when that guy is one of his closest friends? I do agree, I find it odd that (unless there's more to the story or I missed it) the rest of the people in the group don't stand up to that bitchy woman and talk to her about her behaviour.

[tigressA]

Yeah but how does she tell her future husband this, when these are friends, especially when that guy is one of his closest friends? I do agree, I find it odd that (unless there's more to the story or I missed it) the rest of the people in the group don't stand up to that bitchy woman and talk to her about her behaviour.

 

According to the OP another couple left the group because of this woman's behavior, and a few other people were mistreated by her as well. Yet she remains a part of the group...I really have got to wonder why no one has said anything to her by now. Clearly she keeps acting like this because so far she's gotten away with it. WHY in the world should that continue, and at the wedding of someone she routinely bullies, no less?! I think the OP and her fiance need to blaze the trail that will lead to the reckoning this woman has had coming to her.

[sunshinegirl]

I think Repair Minded made some good points, though the dig about others who disagree was unnecessary. (I planned my own wedding last year.)

 

So, yes, RM puts forth a pretty good argument for cutting her/the couple out. On the other hand, if doing so is going to create enormous drama, what with the couple themselves throwing a fit, and/or the other friend-couples getting stirred up (even if in support of the OP)... as the bride I would be asking myself if I want to have to add this stress/drama to the general stress of wedding planning. The question might be: is this the best time to take this stand? Is the friend's wife really going to make a scene at the wedding itself, compared to the scene she will make about not being invited?

 

I was very very stressed by my own wedding planning, and quite frankly found that the path of least resistance on most matters was the best way forward, for me. The last thing I wanted was to have extra drama in those months leading up to the wedding. In our case, my fiance and I decided to invite a handful of people that we would rather not have invited because it was easier on us. We didn't want to make our wedding the big "reveal" where the people we didn't like at our respective close-knit offices didn't get invited and thereby got the clear (and public, since others would notice) message that they were not liked enough to include. Did I *want* to invite some of my business partners? No. Would it have been professional suicide if I hadn't invited the two sucky ones but did invite the three others that I like? Most likely. The resulting office drama simply would not have been worth it.

 

So it seems to me that the OP has to decide in the first instance whether she and her fiance plan to ever take a stand against this crappy woman like the other couple that left the friend group. If yes, then the operable question seems to be: is our wedding the right time to take that stand?

 

Only the OP can determine the cost/benefit calculation of doing it now.

[RepairMinded]

OP's question was:

 

"Do I HAVE to invite her to the wedding?"

 

The answer is: No.

[xxoo]

Yeah but how does she tell her future husband this, when these are friends, especially when that guy is one of his closest friends? I do agree, I find it odd that (unless there's more to the story or I missed it) the rest of the people in the group don't stand up to that bitchy woman and talk to her about her behaviour.

 

This is the part that bothers me.

 

If the woman is as bad as the OP describes, she shouldn't need to tell her future husband this. Her future husband should see it and respond appropriately--telling his friend, straight up, that he won't tolerate the OP being treated that way, and that is why he and the OP won't be hanging with friend and nastywife.

 

If the future husband is still hanging out with friend and nastywife, then either nastywife isn't as bad as the OP describes, or the future husband is a bit of a wimp.

 

There is NO WAY my husband would hang out with a woman who was straight up nasty to me! If that meant not seeing his friend, so be it. More likely, he'd see his friend without the wife around. And his friend would know exactly why he and his wife were not invited to the wedding.

[John Michael Kane]

It's obvious he's in an affair with this woman. Anyone with boundaries would know not to keep talking to a person that disrespected their soon-to-be-spouse, whom they are about to marry.

 

Call of the wedding and drop him.

[Lollypoppy]

I WISH FH thought like RM! RepairM has a valid point, why IS he still friends with them?

FH admits what she has done were inexcusable and absolutely horrible and he has confronted TWICE about it. But FH is also forgiving and I think bc he has so few friends, if he cuts off this group, he'll have to start over socially...(yes..social suicide?). I don't want him to be miserable or miss his other friends bc of me. As for the friend's wife, I haven't hung out with them this year but I do feel excluded bc I'm no longer part of events like bdays, anniversaries, happy hours.

1. WHY do you feel the need to still hang out with friend +Friends wife given what she has done to me?

2. This is going to be an obstacle for us in the future as our lives are more intertwine. It's a source of stress now for me, and probably more so once we're married.

3. What does he want to do?

 

If he doesn't want to cut off friendships with the friend/the group then I guess we'll have to work out something. Feel so despaired.

[Lollypoppy]

The mere fact that this even has to be contemplated means the woman in question (and her husband of course) cannot and should not be invited. This is not some overindulgent uncle that you have to assign someone to keep away from the punch bowl (which is bad enough).

 

This is not a beloved relative or even a close friend with a few issues that might crop up due to alcohol consumption at a wedding. This is not a situation where two close relatives or friends, both of whom get along with the bride, but not with each other, have to be "managed." This is someone who has made herself into the bride's enemy, deliberately. This woman is not the friend of either the bride or the groom because she deliberately antagonized both over a period of time. You don't invite a person like that to your wedding, ever, for any reason, and therefore the spouse can't come either because they are a "package deal." But it was a package HE picked, not Lolly and not Lolly's husband. Lolly's fiance loyalty belongs to Lolly, period, not to the unpleasant woman nor her husband.

 

This is part of growing up, folks. When you get married it is 100% and anyone who can't get along with your spouse in this manner has to get cut out of your life. If the unpleasant person happens to be married to one of your friends, well, too bad for the friend. Lolly's husband, and I guess some of the posters here, need to learn that you don't let people like the nasty woman have their say and have their way with zero consequences. The penalty for being a nasty b*tch is that you don't get the invite. Period. End story.

 

Now I'm wondering why anyone tolerates this woman--I just don't understand how Lolly's fiance could hang out with these people without his soon to be wife and knowing how much this woman disrespects her. Either he is very immature or perhaps she is very physically attractive. Women who are very physically attractive sometimes can get away with having horrible personalities. It would explain why all her friends are men.

 

 

 

What do you think of this? (I decided to write bc I'm TERRIBLE at verbalizing things):

 

Dear FH,

 

I've tried to reason with myself and get over this issue with your friend <Insert friend's wife's name>. We've taken counseling, courses, prayed, techniques etc. But, I have hit a wall. I feel tired of having to avoid and exclude myself from your friends bc of one person. This will only get more distressing with time. When I think about our future, how our lives will be more intertwined, and how we both have to deal with this conflict and "avoidance" drama, I feel suffocated and despaired. I've tried to rationalize objectively, and to understand why you want to keep your friends (package deal) in spite of what happened. If you honestly feel what she did was that awful, horrible, crossing the line - how profoundly it hurt me and still affects me to this day. Then why are you guys still friends? I've come to two conclusions: 1. You do not think the things she has done/said are "all that bad". or 2. Your friendships with these people are more important to you than we are to you.

 

If my friend disrespected you the way she did. He's gone. His SO is gone. I'd let them know, it's unfortunate we can no longer be friends, but really what is the point? You are neither supportive of my relationship and showed blatant disrespect for my SO. I'm sorry, I don't need someone like that as a "friend". As adults, you don't treat people however you want, with ZERO consequences. Phases change in life, things change.

Take some time to consider what you want. If you feel you these friendships are still important to you in spite of what happened, then we'll have to decide what to do next. After having tried everything, I'm happy and willing to resign. It has been way too unfair, stressful, and draining, for both of us.

[D-Lish]

Lolly,

 

The thing about men is that they trivialize matters like this. They chalk it up to female drama- that's how they see it a lot of the time.

 

Men don't understand the nature of women- and how some of them can be downright evil. I've met a lot of women like the one you are describing, and trying to explain them to a man is like trying to teach a monkey Quantum Physics.

 

Men don't typically act this way with one another- so trying to comprehend this behaviour is foreign to them. Women however understand how horrible other women can be. Also, men like to keep the peace.

 

This doesn't excuse the fact that you aren't feeling supported by your fiance. I have to say, I don't think asking him to choose between you and his friend(s) is the best way to handle this. Ultimatums never end well and they often breed resentment.

 

You're essentially asking him to give up his close buddy because his wife is a jerk to you. That's a pretty heavy decision to lay in his lap. Keep in mind that your fiance didn't choose your friends wife...

 

If this is serious enough for you to end the relationship over- then maybe you are finding out this relationship isn't the right one for you afterall.

[xxoo]

The thing about men is that they trivialize matters like this. They chalk it up to female drama- that's how they see it a lot of the time.

 

This is true....but....if that is how the op's partner sees it, he should tell her that! He should be strong enough to tell her if he thinks she is making a mountain out of a molehill.

 

As it is, he is agreeing with the OP that the behavior was awful....and then hanging out with the woman. It looks like he has no backbone--just agrees with whomever he's talking to! This doesn't bode well for marriage.

[Lollypoppy]

Lolly,

 

The thing about men is that they trivialize matters like this. They chalk it up to female drama- that's how they see it a lot of the time.

 

Men don't understand the nature of women- and how some of them can be downright evil. I've met a lot of women like the one you are describing, and trying to explain them to a man is like trying to teach

a monkey Quantum Physics.

 

Men don't typically act this way with one another- so trying to comprehend this behaviour is foreign to them. Women however understand how horrible other women can be. Also, men like to keep the peace.

 

This doesn't excuse the fact that you aren't feeling supported by your fiance. I have to say, I don't think asking him to choose between you and his friend(s) is the best way to handle this. Ultimatums never end well and they often breed resentment.

 

You're essentially asking him to give up his close buddy because his wife is a jerk to you. That's a pretty heavy decision to lay in his lap. Keep in mind that your fiance didn't choose your friends wife...

 

If this is serious enough for you to end the relationship over- then maybe you are finding out this relationship isn't the right one for you afterall.

 

Dlish good point about men not understanding. What should I do instead of the ultimatum? I love FH and want him to be happy but I am at my wits end. I already feel left out of his social life and feel betrayed he continues to hang out with friend and said wife despite it all. I want to make a smart decision that I can live with. What would YOU do?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Don't get it as the OP has given us so few specifics and still admits he FH is out with this witch and his friends and leaves her behind.

 

Is he that pathetic if it really is that bad that he will not stand up for you? Add to that HE (not her from what I read) is paying for everyone on a destination wedding, which yes is unheard of.

 

Finally the claim he would be committing social suicide if he ostracizes this woman tells me it is either a pretty sad state or that we really don't know the whole story.....

[Lollypoppy]

Don't get it as the OP has given us so few specifics and still admits he FH is out with this witch and his friends and leaves her behind.

 

Is he that pathetic if it really is that bad that he will not stand up for you? Add to that HE (not her from what I read) is paying for everyone on a destination wedding, which yes is unheard of.

 

Finally the claim he would be committing social suicide if he ostracizes this woman tells me it is either a pretty sad state or that we really don't know the whole story.....

 

 

TooDP - which other specifics would you like to know?

Is my fh pathetic? No, not at all. But he does have a need to keep the peace and likes to please people. He only has a handful of friends so he tends to overlook their mess ups. Has he stood up for me? Yes, he's confronted her twice about her behaviour but she refuses to admit she is wrong and does not apologize. Do I think that constitutes ENOUGH confrontation? Heck no. I would have liked him to tell her off and let her know all the ways she's a wicked person and she's no longer part of our lives...that didn't happen.

 

So what specifics do u want to know?

[heartshaped]

I don't think you should hand him an ultimatum, but the bottom line is this situation is intolerable. The two of you are a package deal just like this woman and her husband are a package deal. If you don't feel comfortable attending events where this woman is going to be, he shouldn't be going without you. The two of you are a team and a united front if you aren't okay with something then he shouldn't be either. This woman and her husband definitely shouldn't be invited to your wedding. Who cares what anyone thinks, a wedding is about you and your future husband not you and him and other people, especially other people you don't even like.

 

If this woman was a family member this would be a horse of a different color. You can't choose your family, but you can sure as heck choose your friends. I get the feeling that this has been a stressful situation for you and I think out of respect your fiance should stop hanging out with his woman. If he wants to hang out with her husband fine or if he wants to hang out with other couples in this group fine, but to hang out with her and go places she is going to be when you don't feel comfortable doing so-that's a no, no.

 

I think this situation needs to be straightened out before the two of you get married.

[Lollypoppy]

Thank u for empathesizing, this has been emotionally draining. The situation is sticky bc if his friend is there, 90% of the time she is too. We have hanged out with other friends within the group without her, but bc everyone is connected sometimes they just invite said friend (along with said wife).

If there's a birthday, dinner, celebration, BBQ etc- everyone is there (except for me currently).

FH said he can make new friends I just feel so guilty that we have to cut ties with EVERYONE bc or one idiot person.

 

 

I don't think you should hand him an ultimatum, but the bottom line is this situation is intolerable. The two of you are a package deal just like this woman and her husband are a package deal. If you don't feel comfortable attending events where this woman is going to be, he shouldn't be going without you. The two of you are a team and a united front if you aren't okay with something then he shouldn't be either. This woman and her husband definitely shouldn't be invited to your wedding. Who cares what anyone thinks, a wedding is about you and your future husband not you and him and other people, especially other people you don't even like.

 

If this woman was a family member this would be a horse of a different color. You can't choose your family, but you can sure as heck choose your friends. I get the feeling that this has been a stressful situation for you and I think out of respect your fiance should stop hanging out with his woman. If he wants to hang out with her husband fine or if he wants to hang out with other couples in this group fine, but to hang out with her and go places she is going to be when you don't feel comfortable doing so-that's a no, no.

 

I think this situation needs to be straightened out before the two of you get married.

[John Michael Kane]

He's cheating with this married woman. Drop him.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I don't think you should hand him an ultimatum, but the bottom line is this situation is intolerable. The two of you are a package deal just like this woman and her husband are a package deal. If you don't feel comfortable attending events where this woman is going to be, he shouldn't be going without you. The two of you are a team and a united front if you aren't okay with something then he shouldn't be either. This woman and her husband definitely shouldn't be invited to your wedding. Who cares what anyone thinks, a wedding is about you and your future husband not you and him and other people, especially other people you don't even like.

 

If this woman was a family member this would be a horse of a different color. You can't choose your family, but you can sure as heck choose your friends. I get the feeling that this has been a stressful situation for you and I think out of respect your fiance should stop hanging out with his woman. If he wants to hang out with her husband fine or if he wants to hang out with other couples in this group fine, but to hang out with her and go places she is going to be when you don't feel comfortable doing so-that's a no, no.

 

I think this situation needs to be straightened out before the two of you get married.

 

Everyone else is okay with her (outside the other couple who left this group and you should be friends with) and she is only making these comments in public about you and NO ONE ELSE HAS SAID ANYTHING.

 

Still don't have a specific as to what set you off and is so terrible that your FH may drop them for you and no one else is offended by it.

 

Also why is your FH paying for everyone to attend your wedding? Is he George Cloony or Paul Allen?;)

[xxoo]

Everyone else is okay with her (outside the other couple who left this group and you should be friends with) and she is only making these comments in public about you and NO ONE ELSE HAS SAID ANYTHING.

 

Still don't have a specific as to what set you off and is so terrible that your FH may drop them for you and no one else is offended by it.

 

I'm having the same trouble understanding.

 

It is difficult to believe that she did things so terrible, and so unprovoked, and your FH and the rest of the gang still spend time with her. It seems like there must be more to the story.

 

Keep in mind--if she is in the habit of spreading rumors and saying nasty things, the others probably just ignore most of what she says. You might do well to do the same, realizing that no one else is taking her seriously.

 

Also, you describe your FH as a people pleaser. Well, what about pleasing you? He is apparently ok with letting you down.

[westrock]

You're essentially asking him to give up his close buddy because his wife is a jerk to you. That's a pretty heavy decision to lay in his lap. Keep in mind that your fiance didn't choose your friends wife...

 

Under the current circumstances, this is not a heavy decision at all to lay in a guy's lap. It's quite easy actually. If he has to choose her or his friends, it's a no brainer that he has to choose her and support her 100% unless he's immature. For sure it's not a pleasant decision to have to give up one's friends, but in this case it's not hard at all. If it is hard for him, then Lolly needs to consider where he puts his future wife on his priority list and what's going to happen later on when they are married. FH is getting married, time for him to grow up and recognise the stability of the marriage comes first above all friends.

 

Lolly, you said your FH is a people pleaser, but it seems you are feeling guilty for expressing what you want. I understand that he wants to keep the peace, and that's fine as long as it supports the marriage. In this case, his wanting to keep the peace with his friends is causing stress and resentment with his future wife. He can't have it both ways and has to decide where are his priorities.

 

You should just tell your FH that you don't feel comfortable having her at the wedding and if that means the woman's husband is not attending either then so be it. Don't deviate from that position. No further explanation required. In a loving relationship, that is reason enough and there is no need to explain further or get into a discussion of trying to work out a plan for her to attend. There is no workable plan.

 

This whole issue is about communicating our needs and concerns and how a couple resolves differences. You should not have to send your FH a written note, you need to have a sit down conversation to discuss this and the broader picture of priorities and dealing with issues like this in the future. If you want, sit down with him and tell him you wrote down your feelings about this whole issue and give him the note to read in front of you.

Edited June 23, 2011 by westrock

[xxoo]

Under the current circumstances, this is not a heavy decision at all to lay in a guy's lap. It's quite easy actually. If he has to choose her or his friends, it's a no brainer that he has to choose her and support her 100% unless he's immature.

 

Well....except that it may be her that's immature for asking him to give up his friends. Without good examples of what is going on, we don't know.

 

I have known people (both men and women) that give up their friends because their partner asked/forced them to, and later realized that was not the right choice to make. Sometimes the partner is the problem, not the friends

 

Either way, I agree that this couple needs to work on their communication and conflict resolution before getting married.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Well....except that it may be her that's immature for asking him to give up his friends. Without good examples of what is going on, we don't know.

 

I have known people (both men and women) that give up their friends because their partner asked/forced them to, and later realized that was not the right choice to make. Sometimes the partner is the problem, not the friends

 

Either way, I agree that this couple needs to work on their communication and conflict resolution before getting married.

 

since me and most here can not get an answer as to what is so heinous and terrible that she is the only one excluded (or won't deal with this couple).

 

Example 1: She says you cheated on your FH and manipulated emails or took pix of a purported tryst.... Yep dump her and all

 

Example 2: She says she doesn't like you particularly because you talk too much. You try and get to the bottom and if no luck ignore her....

 

Lolly you sound like a over sensitive woman as you have been completely incapable of verbalizing (writing) the exact details of the issue or answering the questions. I feel terrible for FH.

[Lollypoppy]

Well....except that it may be her that's immature for asking him to give up his friends. Without good examples of what is going on, we don't know.

 

I have known people (both men and women) that give up their friends because their partner asked/forced them to, and later realized that was not the right choice to make. Sometimes the partner is the problem, not the friends

 

Either way, I agree that this couple needs to work on their communication and conflict resolution before getting married.

 

We broke up. After planning our WHOLE lives together, it is done, just like that. I told him how i felt he said he didnt have a solution and he picks them.

He chose this ahold friend who has insulted, embarrassed, and spread lies about me, he chose that over us.

I'm so sad and in grief for the death of our relationship and what future we planned to share.

But I'm relieved I know where he stands, now rather than later. I could not be with a man who didn't back me up 100%. My heart is heavy and in repair but I know God makes everything happen for a reason.

 

Although it no longer matters what this person did, for your info here are some things she's done. You can call me overly sensitive or whatever but my feelings are my feelings, no way around it:

 

- tell me to leave and find a ride home when we were all out as a group. She said she "was drunk" but doesn't think she's wrong.

- I tried to be nice by buying them drinks at the bar, babysitting, helping her clean up after parties, send out invites to hang out and she has called me FAKE! W T F!

- roll her eyes when she sees me and ignores me to talk to others...ok.

- tells me I'm not as mature as her bc I'm 10yrs younger and should be ashamed and not even be able to look her in the eyes. (seriously? Go eff yourself)

- blames me when my FH doesn't hang out with them. Tells others in the group I'm controlling and don't let him out. This is TOTAL BS bc 99% of the time I don't web KnOW they contact him and I always encourage him to see his friends. She pulls this out of her fat arse!!

[Afishwithabike]

I'm sorry that you're in pain.

 

I'm shocked though. I wouldn't have guessed this outcome. It sounds like there are other unresolved issues in the relationship and this was the final straw.

 

Perhaps this breakup is a good thing in the long run for both of you.