LaChatteN0ire Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 I initiated a break this past Friday and my boyfriend of 5 years moved out of the house. Previous thread for reference (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t280910/). I've been NC since then in order to gain some clarity from the situation and to see what I want and what could be. His family has been doing some major damage control trying to get him to change and to understand the problem. His sister talked to him and called me to get some perspective (we're fairly close). She said that he has been "indifferent/apathetic" about the relationship for awhile and continues to feel the same. Normally I would say, great, then let's just call it quits if he feels that way, right? But if he were truly apathetic and had no care whether we stay together or not, why did he delay leaving (for almost an hour) the night that I booted him out the door? When I tried to pack all of his things (just in case it turned out to be over, I didn't want to have him come back for his other things), he got very upset (crying uncontrollably) when I started to pack his movies and books from the bookshelf. "The books too?" he said with worry, as tears began building in his eyes. He ended up leaving the books there because it was too much (emotionally). He also left a few other items there because (it seemed like) he didn't want it to be over. Does that point to apathy? Or is it more likely that he is using apathy/indifference as a defense mechanism so that it will hurt less? Apparently the reason that he is apathetic is because he felt that I no longer had feelings for/was no longer attracted to him and that the relationship had gone sour, which is true. As I see it, it is a vicious cycle that starts with his issues. He doesn't take care of himself and is not respectful of me, I withdraw and become less affectionate, he becomes sad, we talk about the issue and he refuses to change, and the cycle continues. We were a perfect couple for 3 years and now I have realized that the last 2 years have been difficult because that's when we moved in together. That's when I realized that what I saw when I was dating was not the same behind closed doors and it went downhill from there. I'm trying to decide whether we have a chance in the future if he changes (not just for me, but for any other future female), but if he is apathetic, then it's pointless for me to use this break time to decide. I don't want to break NC after only 4 days, but I also won't know whether he truly doesn't care about the relationship unless I talk to him. Should I just keep NC for the month that I told him that I needed? I want him to have clarity too and make his own decision about us, but I don't want to waste my time if he's already made up his mind.
PegNosePete Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 I think you're over-analysing it. Well you are a woman after all You are trying to second-guess his feelings and what his decision is going to be, rather than thinking about your own. You should make your decision based on your feelings towards him, and he should do the same. That is the point of the break, after all, for you each to search your own feelings? Not to wonder endlessly what the other is thinking... If you want to be with him (conditionally on him making changes) then that is your decision and if you've make your mind up you might as well tell him now. If he says he is prepared to make the changes and wants to try again, then go for it. But watch his actions (not his words) for evidence of the changes and if he is all mouth and no trousers then call it over.
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