Author RuinedLife Posted June 24, 2011 Author Posted June 24, 2011 Thanks for the encouraging words MovingThrough. I completely agree with you about the "focus" thing, but its just so hard for me at the moment as I'm so ill so I can't do much more than browse the internet, write some poetry and watch TV. Sometimes play games with my family if they're about, like chess and cards. But I can't really change my focus in the way I need to. Or I really struggle to at least. I dream about my ex still every night even though its been 6 months now, and I think about him all the time, have all these vivid images of him in my mind. I know I need to stop.. and think about something else, but its really hard. I guess I'm just still really struggling to even accept that its really over and he doesn't want me anymore.
Kazmi Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 (edited) Ruined, I wish I could help, but I know I can't. I can't say a thing that would make it be easier and make those feelings go away... I've been there and felt the same, I remember all of the pain... He was and is my first love as well . I remember how WRONG it felt that we are broken up. Sometimes it felt like Im in a dream... I'm not just saying it, I REALLY felt like if I would be able to wake myself up I would be there, sleeping next to him or something. It just seemed so wrong we aren't together. Something close to a hallucination.. I couldn't do a thing as well, I wanted to find that focus but no matter how hard I tried my mind didn't delve into it and I couldn't get my mind distracted.. I can't say anything to helps you because only time would help you, like it did to all of us :/ Whats easier?.....dealing with the pain like we are going through?....or moving on to something that is "ok" but takes our focus off our own problems?........the answer is the second one.You know what's silly about this? Because of the fact we are dealing with our pain, it makes us so much stronger, then them - they are usually running away, as said - finding their focus.. But you know what? After some time, when you bump into eachother in the street, guess who would probably be the one to hurt? Them. I saw my ex on the train, just yesterday! I was about to get into the wagon and he was two wagons distance away. I looked at him, he was about to enter the train as well, and then he saw me... He took a few steps back and looked soooo confused and in pain, seemed so hesitant, maybe even considering going my way, I just ignored him and went on the train.. Looking back I hope I didn't hurt him ... Sounds harsh now that I put it into words .. I still love him, by the way, just barely bothers me anymore when I see him (Though afterwards I got a "bittttt" mad, since it was the first time he took the train and he knows I take the train, at that particular hour -sigh-, if he is trying to "bump" into me then he needs to forget it ) Edited June 24, 2011 by Kazmi
Karala Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 If you ex was put in a room where he or she had to think about you for 5 minutes with no other focus's, it woud hurt them, trust me. Yes, exactly. But they're not doing that and acting masochistic as we are, lol. ... Its so easy to see but its so hard for us to feel it, at this point the only thing i can say is after going through this you will never feel like this again, and if you do then you didnt do enough work. This seems like an interesting concept, but I'm not sure I got it completely, lol. Could you elaborate?
Movingthrough Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 This seems like an interesting concept, but I'm not sure I got it completely, lol. Could you elaborate? Its easy because most of us sit here and "know" what we have to do, but its so hard to do it (emotions). Thats always the golden question we all have, "i know this person isnt good for me, but why does it hurt so bad?". Someone on here posted once "what would be the point of love if it didnt hurt, that means it means something". That helped me out a lot because if love was something that was easy to get over, then it wouldnt be that important. All the emotions and things that come with relationships are also what make them so hard to let go of, so its a double edged sword. After going through the pain and the process of a breakup, you have to learn from it. I can tell you right now that if i go through a bad one again that i will know what to expect and it wont hurt as much. If you havent learned from the breakup you are currently in, then you are doomed to repeat it. For a while i tried to find a new focus, just to have someone there, but it never happened. In the long run it helped me a lot because it forced me to learn.
Sugarkane Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Movingthrough- Its biarre when your ex lost it at you, when you were friends with this other girl. I can relate to this as my ex also blamed everyhting on me too. Why would they care who you're friend with? They wanted the breakup!
Mack05 Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 (edited) Ruinedlife, Sorry is thread appears harsh (I have a vicious hangover :-) but someone needs to give you a kick up the $%£...Preferably someone close to you like a family member or a close friend. For most people breaking no contact after 6 months wouldn't be the end the world. Yet after 6 months you haven't moved on an iota, from what I have seen and read. Let's just say you did break no contact, do you think you are ready to show him someone new? Someone who has learnt from their mistakes? Someone he can respect? I mean how can he respect you, when you don't respect you? How can he love you, when you don't love you? There is a high probability the relationship is over and to be fair, I think you have gained a certain amount of acceptance there. But there are instances in life (they are rare) when people win their ex's back. These are few and far between but they do happen. My ex won me back. When we broke up she was VERY high maintenance, very insecure, low self esteem. Our final fight she threw every piece of jewellery I ever bought her and threw it down a drain and then punched me in the face. My crime? I spent all night talking to friends home from New York, who I hadn't seen in 3 years, and didn't show her enough attention. We broke up that night and soon afterwards I went to Australia for a year. She sent me a heartfelt letter saying how sorry she was and that she promised she would get herself sorted. She told me to enjoy my year away and then went NC. Nine months later I get an email and she asked me for my phone number for a catch up chat. I give it to her and she told me she was in Sydney with her sister and friend travelling and would I like to meet up for a beer. I walked into the pub and walked right past her. I didn't recognise her. She then smiled at me and I was blown away. She looked absolutely stunning. We got chatting and I noticed huge changes in her. She explained that she went to Therapy for 6 months. She then spoke of other changes she made and apologised (very emotionally) for some the mistakes she made in the relationship. She went off on her travels and I did the same but we got back together for another 4 years when I got home. We broke up, but for entirely different reasons then the first time. Ruined there is NO chance of winning this guy back or meeting a new guy if you stay in this hole that you have dug yourself. The more you obsess the bigger the hole gets to climb out of. The more you beat yourself and put yourself down, the bigger the hole gets. The more you feel sorry for yourself the bigger the hole gets. The longer you think negatively, the bigger the hole gets. Why do I get the impression you will still be posting the same negative, hurtful stuff you feel about yourself in another 6 months? This self destructive behaviour needs to stop. NOW!!!!The bigger the hole you keep digging for yourself the longer the recovery process. At this stage you should want to get your self esteem and confidence back for you, but that doesn't mean you can't use your ex boyfriend as a source of motivation. For example when I am in the gym these days and my arms hurt so much I can't even lift them, I picture my ex and her friends laughing at me. That gives me the motivation, to do that one extra bench press. I am determined to show people something. I am determined to prove my ex's opinion of me wrong. I am determined to prove me to me. Why not for the next 3 months put a massive effort into improving yourself as much as you can. Get yourself into the best shape of your life. Go to the gym every morning and evening. Continue to put your heart and soul into Therapy. Educate yourself as to why you made the mistakes you made. Read as many self help books as you can. Then after 3-4 months break NC and ask you ex to meet you for one drink. I'm sure he will say yes to a drink. Even if the drink doesn't go as well as you hoped, at least you showed him a brand new you. That's what his last memory of you will be. A beautiful confident, genuinely nice woman who knows herself. Nothing more sexy to a man..Who knows maybe if it's meant to be he might even ask you out on a date.. There is one thing I do know. Do you know what is going to happen if you keep feeling sorry for yourself. Keep putting yourself down, Keep obsessing, keep posting one post a day on LS??? NOTHING... Edited June 25, 2011 by Mack05
Movingthrough Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Movingthrough- Its biarre when your ex lost it at you, when you were friends with this other girl. I can relate to this as my ex also blamed everyhting on me too. Why would they care who you're friend with? They wanted the breakup! I know Sugarkane its crazy! Like i said, what it showed me was we have all these thoughts that they are so happy and moved on, when in reality they are using this other person to avoid pain from past relationships. Not all dumpers are doing it for a bad reason but most of the stories you read on here have to do with dumpers saying good bye out of nowhere, usually with something else lined up, why? Because they dont want to feel the pain that we type about on here. Like you situation and mine (when she went off about me) it shows me that everything is not so happy in her world. It shouldnt be a focus for me if she is happy or not but its a interesting topic. Think of this, if you were with someone, so in love, hundreds of pictures, trips etc...why would you care what you ex is doing? You wouldnt. Thats the proof that they arent happy.
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