RuinedLife Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Ok, so I keep getting all these urges to break NC. I know its best to resist but I'm so lonely now without my best and only friend in life (my ex bf). I hang out with family quite a lot, but they just don't 'get me' in the same way my ex did. I have him blocked on various instant messengers so he can't send me messages. But I can still see him online, and this really tempts me to message him, to joke around with him just like old times, no mention of serious things. But I know I must resist. Especially as I've been so emotional these days, and even with moments of relative stability where I can use comedy to lift my spirits a little, I know if I did contact him there would be a huge danger of him bringing up something serious (like telling me how much happier he is without me again or heaven forbid his plans with a new gf ). Or perhaps if I did contact him he would just ignore me entirely or keep conversation so causal and brief I'd still just feel the rejection again and crumble back to stage 1. Part of me wants to believe that if I contact him and act cool and joke around with him, he'll remember how awesome I am and want me back. But this is probably nothing but a fantasy right? The reading too many Get Your Ex Back adverts? Also when I'm watching really interesting or funny youtube videos I get this huge urge to send him the links and joke about the contents with him in emails etc, just as I used to. Again I know I must resist. I post here now instead, because apart from my family, you guys here on LS are my best friends now. And I have posted quite a few links to funny break up videos etc on here, but its still not the same as having a best friend to share these things with. A best friend who knows all your quirks, shares all your interests and who gets all your "in jokes". I'm just lonely I guess. *sighs* I still have to spend a lot of my time in bed alone because of my illness, even though my family has been very good to me. And so that temptation can get to me. I just have to keep telling myself how devastated I'd be if he were to ignore me again, tell me how he doesn't need me anymore or worst of all how he's moved on with a new gf. And I have to repeat the words in my signature to myself over and over again in a never ending loop. Hopefully after a few billion times it will sink in. No luck yet but is early days I guess.
smudge21 Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 We could swap lives right now and I don't think we'd notice any difference, apart from my ex is female. I know exactly what it's like to want to get in touch and want to have those happy times again, but we know that they're not going to happen. Accepting that is the hardest thing in the world. I hate to believe she's totally gone, that I'll never see her again, that everything we had and all the heartache I've gone through has been for nothing... but sadly, that's the truth. It's tough, but take some comfort in the fact you're not alone.
sleepykitten Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Hi I am in the same place, initiated NC on fri-so just 4 days ago and have wanted to call every day, sometimes i feel strong but other times just want to pick up the phone and pretend am ok now, but like you, am scared he has a new "date" or is secretly really pleased we're not in contact or or or...the list is endless. I know in my heart this is all of my insecurities and lack of self worth talking and the pain i feel is more to do with abandonment issues and fear of being alone, its so tough though a real rollercoaster, but so far day 4 and just taking it one day at a time.
Author RuinedLife Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 We could swap lives right now and I don't think we'd notice any difference, apart from my ex is female. I know exactly what it's like to want to get in touch and want to have those happy times again, but we know that they're not going to happen. Accepting that is the hardest thing in the world. I hate to believe she's totally gone, that I'll never see her again, that everything we had and all the heartache I've gone through has been for nothing... but sadly, that's the truth. It's tough, but take some comfort in the fact you're not alone. Yeah, its good to know we're not alone in this. It is so sad though to think all those happy times we had with our exs we'll never have again. I'm glad I have friends on LS though, really without you guys and my family I don't know how I'd survive. So thanks for posting. We're all in this together and together we can get through this! Hi I am in the same place, initiated NC on fri-so just 4 days ago and have wanted to call every day, sometimes i feel strong but other times just want to pick up the phone and pretend am ok now, but like you, am scared he has a new "date" or is secretly really pleased we're not in contact or or or...the list is endless. I know in my heart this is all of my insecurities and lack of self worth talking and the pain i feel is more to do with abandonment issues and fear of being alone, its so tough though a real rollercoaster, but so far day 4 and just taking it one day at a time. Only 4 days! The pain does fade and it does get better over time. Different people just take different lengths of time to recover I guess, based on the length of their relationship, how close they were to their ex, how many other friends and activities they have to distract them selves and their inner coping resources. Has been over 5 months since my break up and I'm still struggling a lot. But having friends on LS and my family around really helps me. I hope you have supportive people in your life you can turn to as well? I can really relate in terms of having deep set insecurities and a overwhelming fear of abandonment, thats what actually triggered my break up in the first place and it still haunts my every move. But I'm getting therapy now and I'm on medication for depression and anxiety so that helps.
Author RuinedLife Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 Not having a good day today. I tried to hard to do things yesterday to keep my mind busy, writing, playing games with family, watching TV etc. But today life just seems so meaningless again. I just feel like whats the point to this never-ending struggle from one day to the next. I try so hard to stay positive and keep hope for the future alive. But the future just looks so black to me. And I hate having to move forward into this void. I think maybe I need stronger anti-depressants.
Author RuinedLife Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 I keep seeing my ex bf online and I get incredibly tempted to contact him. I did block him. And I would delete him completely, but I need to talk to him again at some point so I can get my stuff back from his house. The main thing that stops me is my fear of how he might respond to me, whether he might just ignore me or tell me something I don't want to know, or just be really cold to me again. I love him so much still and I really miss all our in jokes and funny back and forth conversations through instant messaging so part of me wants to believe if I started to talk to him again everything could go back to the way it was. I know logically it never will. But I still long for that old friendship we had as I'm so alone now. I have you guys here and my family. But a lot of the time I'm completely alone in bed in my room (because of my physical illness) and I'm just going stir crazy I guess.
Karala Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 I have him blocked on various instant messengers so he can't send me messages. But I can still see him online, and this really tempts me to message him Actually, I would not only stay NC, but try to make it so that you don't even see if he's online or not. Is that possible? I don't know much about online chats, I don't use them much. I know for me, I was on Facebook and my ex and I never unfriended each other (I wanted to but at the same time was reluctant to cut ties completely, and I think it was the same for him), I finally took the extreme measure of de-activating my account for an unlimited time period. I'm so glad I did. I think real NC starts when you have taken all measures possible to remove your ex from your life as completely as feasible. I'm such a radical, for the moment I'm even avoiding friends who have my ex on their FB list and might have information about him that I don't and DON'T WANT TO HEAR. Sometimes I feel like I'm gonna need to exile to Mexico in order to never hear from him ever again and be able to get over him. But hopefully things will even out with time and I won't have to resort to such extreme measures ^^ You get my point though. For me, NC starts when you make a clear decision to cut ties as completely as possible. I think for you that would include resolving the situation about your stuff still at his place. Me, I never picked my stuff, because when I suddenly decided to go NC, I wanted to initiate it here and then when I knew I had the strenght to do it, so I decided to just forget about my things. There wasn't much anyway. An old night gown, a bunch of bottles of shampoo, a few books... I'm a bit pissed that I didn't get my CDs from his car, but they were probably half-crushed lying on the floor of the back of his car anyway along with leaking old cans of Coke and month-old disgusting cartons of MacDonald's (because my ex is neat and tidy like that) Point is, I know I don't have to see or hear from him again (until I choose to, with my whole brain in function... that is, not before a long long time). About "get your ex back" books, I'm the world specialist on them, seriously, try and point me to one I haven't bought! What they ALL say, and that nobody that is desperate enough to buy get your ex back e-books is able to do (at least not in the recommanded 30 days time frame!!), is to 1)GET OVER THEM in which ever way possible (they all have their specific recommandations, exercising, dating other people, taking care of your appearance, nutrition, yoga, reading self-help books, using NLP, EFT, blah blah blah, nothing that you won't read about on this message board) and then 2)ONLY WHEN YOU'RE TOTALLY OVER THEM and free of all neediness, loneliness and desperation, casually re-connect with them. I actually think this plan works, except no one recovers from a breakup in 30 days (except maybe if we're talking high-school crushes). Try a couple of years, and then you would probably have a chance. Except in most cases, in this time frame, you would have realized they were no good for you anyway, and/or found someone else. Believe me, if you talk to him before you're fully healed, it will backfire bad. And you will be back on the floor crying, instead of sharing funny videos and being on this board when I need a pal. Oh, and I really get it about not being able to share the inside jokes, sharing YouTube links or whatever, I get it all the freakin time. Hurts like a bitch, doesn't it. I comfort myself remembering that in real life, most of the time, he wasn't just quite as enthusiastic as me about all the stuff I wanted to share with him. Even with such a stupid thing as a YouTube link, in hindsight, I can see how his constant stupid pattern of holding back (commitmentphobia, fear of intimacy etc.) would prevent him from really enjoying it freely with me. I didn't get it at the time because I just thought "I know this is something that he's supposed to find funny, or interesting" or whatever, and that if one of his guy friends had shared it with him it I knew that it would have gotten his complete 100% attention. But just because it was coming from me, he had to be holding back, because he was always on this agenda of keeping my expectations low. The whole commitmentphobia thing. I see it so clearly now. Did you experience any of that too?
Author RuinedLife Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 Actually, I would not only stay NC, but try to make it so that you don't even see if he's online or not. Is that possible? I don't know much about online chats, I don't use them much. I know for me, I was on Facebook and my ex and I never unfriended each other (I wanted to but at the same time was reluctant to cut ties completely, and I think it was the same for him), I finally took the extreme measure of de-activating my account for an unlimited time period. I'm so glad I did. Yeah I deactivated my FaceBook. I can just stay away from my instant messengers, but I guess part of me is happy to know he's still visible on there as it may mean that he doesn't hate to the point where he feels he needs to block my himself Of course he may not have even considered it or be bothered either way, which again, as much as it hurts is probably the more likely scenario. You get my point though. For me, NC starts when you make a clear decision to cut ties as completely as possible. I think for you that would include resolving the situation about your stuff still at his place. Yes I think when I resolve my stuff situation I can start NC properly. I've been far too ill to go and get it for months, but I'm hoping in a few weeks I can go and get it. Before I really wanted to talk to my ex too, to try and work out our issues etc. but as much as it hurts me (and it REALLY hurts me) I don't think he's ever going to forgive me for how I acted leading up to the break up, or ever look at me in a good light again. I can't tell you how much this hurts me. I haven't got the words to describe it. I think that might quite possibly be the worst thing about my break up, knowing that he almost certainly sees me as nothing but an insecure childish wreck now. Ouch. The fact that these negative views of myself and assumptions of how my ex must see me never leave my side for long, probably goes a long way to explaining why my self esteem is so low right now. About "get your ex back" books, I'm the world specialist on them, seriously, try and point me to one I haven't bought! What they ALL say, and that nobody that is desperate enough to buy get your ex back e-books is able to do (at least not in the recommanded 30 days time frame!!), is to 1)GET OVER THEM in which ever way possible (they all have their specific recommandations, exercising, dating other people, taking care of your appearance, nutrition, yoga, reading self-help books, using NLP, EFT, blah blah blah, nothing that you won't read about on this message board) and then 2)ONLY WHEN YOU'RE TOTALLY OVER THEM and free of all neediness, loneliness and desperation, casually re-connect with them. I actually think this plan works, except no one recovers from a breakup in 30 days (except maybe if we're talking high-school crushes). Try a couple of years, and then you would probably have a chance. Except in most cases, in this time frame, you would have realized they were no good for you anyway, and/or found someone else. Yes all those 'Get Your Ex Back' books and programs that supposedly describe "never before seen techniques that will cause your ex to come crawling back to you on their hands and knees" are such a complete rip off right? Don't get me wrong, I've indulged in a lot of that myself, but really these so called "break up gurus" just pray on the vulnerable and desperate and squeeze them for every last cent they own. Just vampire attracting in their victims by making more promises in one paragraph then a politician makes in his life time, but then breaking them all the instant the "buy now" button has been clicked. I didn't buy any of these books myself as I've so little money, but I certainly read a LOT of articles and watched a LOT of videos and seems they all cover the basics of NC and moving on and suggesting casual ways to get back on "friendly" terms with your ex without seeming desperate. But really if you are desperate enough to read all these things (like we are) then "casual" is the last thing you feel and acting casual never really works, as the cracks are all too clear, especially when your ex knows how insecure you are. Me and my ex were together for 3 years and he knows me, he knows I'm a social phobic hermit who maintains an immature childish take on the world where cartoons and video games are my life. And as much as I've always wanted to be that casual laid back person who doesn't care what others think of me, or what others do, the cold hard truth of the matter is that I'm the exact opposite of that person. (i.e. clingy, overly anxious and highly sensitive to the views of others. So much so, that how I think others perceive me (especially my bf/ex bf) means everything to me and can literally make or break me, as I'm sure you'd agree, my endless posts on this site prove beyond a shadow of a doubt. Believe me, if you talk to him before you're fully healed, it will backfire bad. And you will be back on the floor crying, instead of sharing funny videos and being on this board when I need a pal. Aww! Thank you! Ok I promise I will do my very very best not to contact him any time soon, although as I say, sometime in the next few weeks if I'm feeling a little better I might have to, so I can make arrangements to get my stuff back. I honestly left more than half my wardrobe at his house, loads of DVDs, books, the works and I need it back. As I've been in bed or dossing around the house for the past 5 months I haven't needed them, but I left all my best clothes at his place so I do want them back. Oh, and I really get it about not being able to share the inside jokes, sharing YouTube links or whatever, I get it all the freakin time. Hurts like a bitch, doesn't it. I comfort myself remembering that in real life, most of the time, he wasn't just quite as enthusiastic as me about all the stuff I wanted to share with him. Even with such a stupid thing as a YouTube link, in hindsight, I can see how his constant stupid pattern of holding back (commitmentphobia, fear of intimacy etc.) would prevent him from really enjoying it freely with me. I didn't get it at the time because I just thought "I know this is something that he's supposed to find funny, or interesting" or whatever, and that if one of his guy friends had shared it with him it I knew that it would have gotten his complete 100% attention. But just because it was coming from me, he had to be holding back, because he was always on this agenda of keeping my expectations low. The whole commitmentphobia thing. I see it so clearly now. Did you experience any of that too? Yes I can relate to this, although I attribute a lot of it to my own childish nature. When I first met my ex we had a LOT in common and could relate in many immature-ish ways (playing video games, watching cartoons etc, I know I'm still a child in adults clothing). Anyway, time went by and my ex matured in a lot of ways, but I didn't (partly because of my illness stopping me working etc but still). Throughout our relationship though, and especially towards the end, my co-dependent nature would cause me to try and keep my ex bf happy and I was very submissive most of the time just doing whatever he wanted to do. But it wasn't all one sided and we did have a lot of fun together, right up until the very end almost, until my insecurities flooded out and ruined everything. Towards the end though we did drift apart somewhat due to his changing aspirations and my decent into dependency and anxiety-fueled insecurity. I.e. the more uncertain his plans became, the more anxious I got, the more insecure and emotional I became, and the more desperate for reassurance, which he ultimately, was fed up of providing. And I don't blame him really. I didn't want to move in with him or anything as such (even though it was an LDR and it was hard for me with my ill health) but my insecurity in the relationship did cause me to constantly seek for reassurance that he loved me and things between us would be ok.
Kazmi Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 Wow Ruined. At first I didn't bother much on reading your posts, since in all honesty they depressed me. Reminded me of the first months when I just began therapy... Those "they don't get me" and many many despondent thoughts, borderlining sucidal (got to it eventually, asked myself what's the point of living out, day by day if the my source of happiness was gone... Forced myself to look at the future and just saw blackness... Tried to find what's good in life and thought of love and giving love... A true wreck, my mom once got so fed up with me she told me to hang myself in my room, I just crawled on the floor that day and cried in pain and shame). While reading your posts I had a weird, surreal moment in which I felt as if I wrote the words you wrote down. We even share hobbies - video gaming! cartoons (do you like anime by any chance?)! Feels like everything is gone right? You once wrote that you lost your friend and your lover at the same time. I can relate to that - I'm not a very social person, he was my only friend, and... because of my family (that started to fall apart when we began dating - parents divorcing, brother becoming distant, my dad with his new girlfriend) he was my family as well. I lost an entire life when he walked away. I lost any form of love that existed in my life. People started giving up on me, first him (he left me because I was suffering from depression, he said he would never give up on me, and you know what? I still believe him, because when he left he didn't give up on me, he gave up mainly on himself), then my mom (my rest of my family were barely there, and if they were they just pointing out how weak I am and how unattractive it is, and at the same time they got pissed at him and were close to hating him, and I kept defending him!) and then my therapist told me that maybe I should consider anti-depressants. That broke me, actually, I began doubting my own strength EVEN MORE. You said that your insecurities drove him away, you said that you felt like you are the one who brought the relationship to its' end. You are having hard time removing him completely from your life, watching him go online soothes you, maybe? Just seeing he still around, and still alive, and having that little power of knowing he is online - as if you are still part of your life, even in the insignificant way... I can relate to ALL As said I suffered from depression, deep depression - that was affected both by him (he is a gamer as well, he has an addiction to video games... Everytime something was wrong between us he didn't talk, he just went inside his secret world and distracted himself. He was barely by my side because of that, he dedicated too much time for his games) and both by what I've been through (family falling apart, pressure to succeed AT EVERYTHING [my own issues with myself], low self esteem and him having a very beautiful ex girlfriend [in my eyes, to be honest - now that I see her I barely thinks she looks good, but I was jealous... Though he gave me all of the reasons not to, especially when he looked at me and just had those adorable moments of "wow... you are so beautiful", shows you how insecure I was...] and more and more and more, too much to be honest)... I was so scared he'd go, and he was so scared of hurting me 'till the point he just acted like a robot and became a bit detached (only a bit, he never been able to hold himself)... You know what happened the day we seperated? It was after a rather happy week (a week that I decided to start going to therapy and he said that if I'd be happy he would run to me), I fell into depression again because something that happened at my workplace... He acted weird, he freaked out, by the end of the day Imanaged to calm him down... He wanted to try more but I had that... moment Of realization? Of total-stress? Of insantiy & madness? Of total despair?... Whatever it was, it made me tell him this: "We are on a hot air balloon, I'm hanging on a rope my love. As the time passes we get further more from the ground. Help me, please - either lend me a hand and get me inside that basket or cut off the rope before we'll get too high" You know what he said? "I cut it then" So like you I sometimes think "if I would've said something else, if I would've acted different, would we be together?"... As for the instant messaging program.. My way of keeping in touch with him is a program called Steam - it's used for gamers to talk with eachothers while in game and let's you easily find people for games. I stopped talking with him obviously, he wanted to talk but at the same time he couldn't - I told him we should talk after he heals and I didn't contact him via IM anymore... However, that program (Steam) has a big amount of status for people - offline, away, snooze (away for a long time), gaming (and in what game)... By staying on it I felt like I still have a connection to him. Of course there were the times when he was on snooze and I went mad and thought he is with a girl and so on (which is sooo unhealthy) but that little piece of info and that weird assurance that he is there and still alive... I clunged to it. You know when the real process began? When I swore to myself to block him on steam - whatever he does he'll keep doing even if I'm not aware of it, and seeing him online only tempts me to talk with him (I didn't do it thought ) Those anti-depressants my therapist offered me? I refused! I said no, and told myself I'll prove to myself I can do without them. And I noticed that the idea he doesn't care, or sees you in an awful light really bothers you. Do you feel like that for a reason? Did he say something, or these all assumptions? Let me tell you this - I thought the same of my ex. That he doesn't give a damn and if he thinks of me it's how much I mad him miserable or whatnot. You do not know what he is going through, you do not know what happens in his life and you cannot read his mind. Believe me, I tried and I failed (to read his mind). My ex is a tough one, he doesn't show emotions, and he wants me to be over him.... You know what happened to me last week? He chased my bus, he didn't plan to get on it, he probably just wanted to see my face. Maybe I wasn't even supposed to see him running. Nothing happened after that bus-chasing but what I'm saying is that it may not go as smoothly as you might think for the other side. He has a heart, right? You chose to be with him, and you were for 3 years, it probably means something about the guy, about his personality. Sometimes we make mistakes and make wrong choices, but I, personally, believe in my own choices, and because of that I now find it hard to believe he doesn't feel for me... Do you trust your choice of being with him? If so, trust him a bit. It's so hard, I know. I KNOW. I've been through some serious depression. I've been having hard time giving up on him. So I didn't, I still love him dearly, and I know I would to the end of my life, I accept it. It's been 5 month now, and I'm ok, I've seen the flaws in this man and I still deeply in love with him. I didn't give up on him, I can't, my heart can't! - but I gave up on the relationship, it isn't worth it. If you look backwards (maybe not now, but perhaps in the future) you'd probably be able to say what I write now This relationship was meant for destruction. It was unhealthy. A person cannot be in a relationship if they aren't healthy, and aren't strong enough to be alone. A relationship will not be strong if one person develops dependency on the other. It will most be a burden for both partners and dragging it around just because of love isn't a good idea. Love alone isn't enough to hold a relationship, no matter what we want to believe. I'm sure you want him back, so I'll say this: You need to let go before you can be with him again or any other guy. If you love it let it go. And if something is meant to be... It will be. Seriously. This breakup changed my entire view of the world. I've become so spiritual, it strengthes me when I'm down. Everytime something happens (or does not happen, like... the ex not contacting or something along those lines) I remind myself everything happens for a reason, and even if I can't see that reason now I'll be able to in the future. Even the breakup happened for a reason All of the heartaches The agonizing pain Without them I wouldn't have been the person I am now. The strong person I am now And as said, if it's meant to be... It will be. Good luck sweetie I know you'll do fine. Sensitive people like us will rule the world one day (Accoring to the theory of new age, want to wait together for 21/12/2012?)
Kazmi Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 (edited) Lol, long post Forgot to mention - he couln't talk with me because it was painful for him... Edited June 22, 2011 by Kazmi
Karala Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 Sensitive people like us will rule the world one day (Accoring to the theory of new age, want to wait together for 21/12/2012?) THIS IS THE DAWNING OF THE AAAGE OF AQUARIUS... Kazmi, I want to applaud you with both hands and feet. RL, when you really start to feel sick of being in pain all the time and you seriously want to begin to heal already... you know what you gotta do... =>cut ties completely, including online chats, resolve stuff situation now and not weeks from now and by getting someone to go pick it for you, not doing it yourself... basically accept that the r/s is over and you're not seeing him again. At least not before you've healed. If you want to ever be able to see him again, you just gotta heal real quick. ;]
Author RuinedLife Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 Thanks for the long response Kazmi!! As you said, I can relate to pretty much everything you said! And you are right I don't know exactly what my ex is thinking, but he did tell me that he's happier without me, and that I was holding him back from his dreams, so I expand from that how he likely thinks of me based on how I acted before and after the break up. I wouldn't have much respect for me either. And I don't, although I am gradually building back that self-respect. Writing and spending time with family, as I'm very lucky to have such a loving family around me. THIS IS THE DAWNING OF THE AAAGE OF AQUARIUS... Kazmi, I want to applaud you with both hands and feet. RL, when you really start to feel sick of being in pain all the time and you seriously want to begin to heal already... you know what you gotta do... =>cut ties completely, including online chats, resolve stuff situation now and not weeks from now and by getting someone to go pick it for you, not doing it yourself... basically accept that the r/s is over and you're not seeing him again. At least not before you've healed. If you want to ever be able to see him again, you just gotta heal real quick. ;] Yes I know you're right. My brain is starting to realize that its over I guess, but my heart still longs out for my ex and its quite confusing at times. I want so badly to talk to my ex again, but I'm also scared to talk to him now, so thats preventing me at the moment.
Kazmi Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 Thanks for the long response Kazmi!! As you said, I can relate to pretty much everything you said! And you are right I don't know exactly what my ex is thinking, but he did tell me that he's happier without me, and that I was holding him back from his dreams, so I expand from that how he likely thinks of me based on how I acted before and after the break up. I wouldn't have much respect for me either. And I don't, although I am gradually building back that self-respect. Writing and spending time with family, as I'm very lucky to have such a loving family around me. Yes I know you're right. My brain is starting to realize that its over I guess, but my heart still longs out for my ex and its quite confusing at times. I want so badly to talk to my ex again, but I'm also scared to talk to him now, so thats preventing me at the moment. My ex had a similar bit as well, but to be honest looking back I can see he was convincing himself he has made the better decision and is happier that way (I remember that one day after the breakup we had some casual chat and all of the sudden he said "I had a nice day today! I had a 'laugh attack' today at lunch", oh please )... He even at the beginning tried to convice himself we haven't had anything special and that he'd rather have not had me in his life (told me that because I don't have many friends what we did seems special to me [he is so silly, talks as if he had million of friends and relationships, when he is as friendly as I am ] , but it wasn't special and that if he could go back in time he wouldn't have given me his msger, again... oh please , funniest bit was that we talked on these stuff because we met on a bus... If he would've said those words over phone I would've looked at it differently, but his body language spoke an entirely different story, he couldn't hold the sadness from showing in his eyes and couldn't stop wanting to touch me). I'm not familiar with your story and your ex, so I cannot extend in words on that, only that in the few first month we tend to remember the worst bits, and as the time passes and we get further from the breakup, our memory extends further as well, to the beginning, when it was.. well, perfect. I'm not saying that this is the same in your case, as said - I have no idea, I don't know the story, I haven't been there, and I don't know him. What I am saying is that your thoughts are not absolute truth, you don't see everything that is going on, espcially when you are so far away physically. You can't know the truth of what's going in a mind of a person so far away, and I think you shouldn't question yourself as well what's going through his mind - I know from experience that we tend to take things to darker realms, and try to create dark truths based upon how we feel. I think you should try to think as less as you can about how he sees you, it obviously makes you feel bad and for no solid reason. Also, about not contacting your ex.. Try to lead yourself to that realm where you do not contact him not out of fear but out of respect for both yourself and him. Tell yourself that as the dumpee you are not supposed to chase him, have a little dignity, something to help you hold your head up... And tell yourself that because of your love for him and respect (which I believe, is one of the most powerful ways to express affection) you will not contact him, especially if he showed signs of needing space etc.
Author RuinedLife Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 My ex had a similar bit as well, but to be honest looking back I can see he was convincing himself he has made the better decision and is happier that way (I remember that one day after the breakup we had some casual chat and all of the sudden he said "I had a nice day today! I had a 'laugh attack' today at lunch", oh please )... He even at the beginning tried to convice himself we haven't had anything special and that he'd rather have not had me in his life (told me that because I don't have many friends what we did seems special to me [he is so silly, talks as if he had million of friends and relationships, when he is as friendly as I am ] , but it wasn't special and that if he could go back in time he wouldn't have given me his msger, again... oh please , funniest bit was that we talked on these stuff because we met on a bus... If he would've said those words over phone I would've looked at it differently, but his body language spoke an entirely different story, he couldn't hold the sadness from showing in his eyes and couldn't stop wanting to touch me). I'm not familiar with your story and your ex, so I cannot extend in words on that, only that in the few first month we tend to remember the worst bits, and as the time passes and we get further from the breakup, our memory extends further as well, to the beginning, when it was.. well, perfect. I'm not saying that this is the same in your case, as said - I have no idea, I don't know the story, I haven't been there, and I don't know him. What I am saying is that your thoughts are not absolute truth, you don't see everything that is going on, espcially when you are so far away physically. You can't know the truth of what's going in a mind of a person so far away, and I think you shouldn't question yourself as well what's going through his mind - I know from experience that we tend to take things to darker realms, and try to create dark truths based upon how we feel. I think you should try to think as less as you can about how he sees you, it obviously makes you feel bad and for no solid reason. Also, about not contacting your ex.. Try to lead yourself to that realm where you do not contact him not out of fear but out of respect for both yourself and him. Tell yourself that as the dumpee you are not supposed to chase him, have a little dignity, something to help you hold your head up... And tell yourself that because of your love for him and respect (which I believe, is one of the most powerful ways to express affection) you will not contact him, especially if he showed signs of needing space etc. Yes thats good advice. And I know he definitely wants space.
Author RuinedLife Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 Ok ok ok, so I know NC is for the best and I thought I knew my relationship was over without a doubt. But, and I don't know if I'm going crazy or what, but something in my mind is really fighting back against accepting this break up as final and I continue to think of all these scenarios where me and my ex can work things out and get back together, where we can put all thats happened behind us and get back together. I really don't know whats wrong with me. I have been a bit better happiness wise (well at least today) but I continue to think about my ex constantly, I'm forever haunted by my actions during the break up and my mind just can't seem to accept that its over. I keep going over the break up process and my mind just can't fully accept it happened or even if it can, it can't accept that its irreversible as I continue to fantasize and plan out ways to attract him back to me in my mind. Which is crazy since he lives so far away from me and any of the standard things like improving your appearance showing them how happy you are without them etc wont work.
Movingthrough Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 But, and I don't know if I'm going crazy or what, but something in my mind is really fighting back against accepting this break up as final While i think what you are going through is very normal (most of us have gone through it), there is another aspect of this that happened to me. I was in a position like you where something just nagged at me, something in me i could not put a finger on that just keep me pulled in. I sat down at the computer and i wrote out my issues, and what the reality of it was (almost like CBT). What i found is i had a lot of issues with how i was at certain times during the relationship, things that no matter if i was the dumpee or not, i did wrong. I asked myself if deep down i knew it was over or not, or did i really want to subconciously get back together with her. I asked myself what could be done to fix this issue in my head, and the only thing i could come up with was breaking NC, sending her an email, and basically saying "look i never said it but there were some things.." etc etc. For ME personally, it was something i felt i needed to do. So i wrote something up, had someone else read it, and kept it professional, said what i needed to say and moved on. I sent it and felt a lot better, i knew at that point that there was nothing else i could say or do, and she knew where i was coming from. So, once again, for ME personally it helped a lot. Here is the flip side of it, she responded a week later through text, and basically spun it to something else that had happened when she was leaving me "crumbs" early on after the break up. I never expected a response but i knew if i got one it wouldnt be some beautiful thing, because whats the reality?....we are broken up for a reason. I handled it well, wished her luck and even though she tried one more time to get me to respond to something....i didnt answer. Overall, it was something i needed to do and worked for me. Im NOT saying break NC, what im saying is look inside of you even if you have to write and say "What is making me hold on" and be honest with yourself. If its something you feel you need to break NC for, then i would say ponder it and review it. The problem is, in your emotional state (like we all are right after) no one can handle that idea of opening communication because nothing good ever comes from it. Thats why i asked myself "will this help ME", and for me it did. Im not saying breaking NC but ever wonder why so many people break it? Because they werent ready to go into it in the first place, you have to go through a process and maybe that process involves some other things that still need to be done... Just my .02 cents...
Author RuinedLife Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 Thanks for the advice MovingThrough! I have written down the good and bad points of the relationship etc, but I will try it again and look into things more deeply. But I think the problem is that there are many many reasons why I'm struggling to let go of this relationship- * First Love * Love Addiction / Obsessive Love Disorder * My ex was also my best friend, and the only friend I had left (now I just have family) * My ex understood me better than anyone I've ever met (or the side of me that I like at least, even I don't understand the "evil" side of me) * My ex is the only person who has ever really loved me for me and made me feel special, unique (and I thought irreplaceable) - Again I believe he did think of me in all these ways until my "evil" side irreversibly altered his perception of me in a negative way. * I hate myself so much for causing the break up so I want to be able to fix it so I won't hate myself as much anymore * Things between me and my ex ended really badly, due to arguments and misunderstandings so I want to make peace and end things on better terms * I am very shy, social phobic and isolated so the chances of meeting anyone else who loves me (let alone anyone who comes close to my ex in any way) is incredibly slim * Financial - I invested a lot of money into the relationship and I have very little left. My ex has a lot of money so I was hoping he loved me enough to look after me. * My physical health has been very bad all my life so I doubt I'll ever be able to achieve financial independence alone * I want to prove to myself and my ex that I can be that laid back, confident and more adventurous and fun to be with person that I want to be * I feel I have no other reason to live (because of my depression etc) * I'm very rarely physically attracted to people and I am really attracted to my ex * I feel I didn't really have chance to show him how great of a girlfriend I can be * I know I'm likely to be alone for a long time if we don't get back together * I feel I complained about things in the relationship, which really weren't problems and I love him so much I would be more than willing to do whatever it takes to be with him * As much as I try to convince myself otherwise, I know he's too good for me, but I don't want to really believe this * Financial - I gave up a course so I could put more energy into maintaining my relationship * I only met my ex bf by pure chance and now I'm isolated from the world at home because of my ill health, the chances of me meeting anyone remotely as compatible with me as him are slim to none. * I'm a very visually imaginative person and I associate my ex with everything I enjoy and everything I do, so I'm thinking about him 24/7 even nearly 6 months after the break up * The break up haunts me, I don't really understand what happened and I want to fix it * The last time I saw him in person we were happy together and all was good * I feel I should have been more supportive of his plans and I really regret this and want to prove to him that I can be a more supportive girlfriend * Try as I might I simply can not forgive myself for causing my break up even 6 months after it has ended and the only way to get rid of my ever present self hatred seems to be to fix the relationship * I spent most of my relationship "waiting for my ex" and now it feels like I'm "waiting for nothing" ( I was really co-dependent in the relationship, focusing on my ex and trying my best to make him happy and then only being happy when he reciprocated in some way - I know it was really unhealthy, but without him in my life, I feel empty as I don't love myself and I don't know how to truly make myself happy) * I have no other goals in life, my only goal became trying to keep my ex happy and maintain the relationship NB- The "evil" side of me is the insecure, emotionally out of control and impulsive side of me that triggered the break up. Ok, so these are just a few of the reasons I 'want my ex back' as it were. I'm sure there are plenty more if I really think about it.
Author RuinedLife Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 My heart aches so much I feel like its melting away I really don't want to feel like this anymore, but the longer I live through this pain the more it seems like it will never end and the more people get fed up of me and give up on me... I want to turn it around. I've tried many things, writing, drawing, playing games with family, walking round the garden, eating chocolate, watching TV... But the pain and the regret always comes back and my heartaches so much. I just want to stop all this pain and be happy again already... I'm on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills and sleeping tablets and it helps numb my emotions a bit, but I still feel so completely unworthy of life. I don't want to feel this way, I want to be able to move forward, accept that my break up is over and get on with my life. But its not happening yet.
Movingthrough Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 There is no golden answer to your questions, and most of the things you typed are what we all typed after our breakup. The only i can say is it WILL get better. There is something out there that will click and when it does you will not care about your ex like you do now. I wrote something not to long ago about "focus's", almost like my theory on it. I believe that especially when it comes to breakups, its all about focues's. Why does it seem like your ex doesnt care? They have a new focus usually. Why are some people over their relationship and some arent? They have a new focus, they have moved on. Think of it like this, if you woke up and won 20 million dollars tomorrow, do you think that when you were awarded the money, watching it go into your account, getting phone calls, texts etc; that you would be thinking about your ex? Nope. Which is the proof that at this point (because its still fresh) that is your only focus. At one point in my break up i was dealing with an injury, i would wake up some days and be like "wow, i havent thought of her in days", the injury was my focus. What will start to happen is time will go by and naturally the thoughts will lessen, once that starts things will catch your attention more, when they do you will notice it start to wear off, then your body gets used to it, you find the confidence, hobbies etc - and start moving on. Realize that right now its not supposed to be easy and what you are going through is very normal, literally thousands of people on this site have fealt what you are feeling. I still wake up some days and cannot believe that two people (me and my ex) could talk about love and a future together, only for it to end via message. BUT the other side of me thinks well there is my answer, who wants someone like that?
Author RuinedLife Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 There is no golden answer to your questions, and most of the things you typed are what we all typed after our breakup. The only i can say is it WILL get better. There is something out there that will click and when it does you will not care about your ex like you do now. I wrote something not to long ago about "focus's", almost like my theory on it. I believe that especially when it comes to breakups, its all about focues's. Why does it seem like your ex doesnt care? They have a new focus usually. Why are some people over their relationship and some arent? They have a new focus, they have moved on. Think of it like this, if you woke up and won 20 million dollars tomorrow, do you think that when you were awarded the money, watching it go into your account, getting phone calls, texts etc; that you would be thinking about your ex? Nope. Which is the proof that at this point (because its still fresh) that is your only focus. At one point in my break up i was dealing with an injury, i would wake up some days and be like "wow, i havent thought of her in days", the injury was my focus. What will start to happen is time will go by and naturally the thoughts will lessen, once that starts things will catch your attention more, when they do you will notice it start to wear off, then your body gets used to it, you find the confidence, hobbies etc - and start moving on. Realize that right now its not supposed to be easy and what you are going through is very normal, literally thousands of people on this site have fealt what you are feeling. I still wake up some days and cannot believe that two people (me and my ex) could talk about love and a future together, only for it to end via message. BUT the other side of me thinks well there is my answer, who wants someone like that? Yes I know you're right. If someone doesn't love you anymore, but you love them, then you have to let them go. Because if you really love someone you want them to be happy no matter what, even if its not with you. So I know thats what I'll probably have to do, let him go so he can be happy. It just hurts so much because I'm prone to suffering from unrequited love anyway, and I expect him to remain part of my life (in my imagination) and part of my "focus" for a long time to come. Think of it like this, if you woke up and won 20 million dollars tomorrow, do you think that when you were awarded the money, watching it go into your account, getting phone calls, texts etc; that you would be thinking about your ex? I have to answer yes to this question though I'm afraid, because I do love my ex that much and I would be thinking about him and how we could share the money and try again to make things work. My ex does have quite a lot of money himself, but one of his problems in the relationship was my lack of money and my lack of income. I do have a little savings which I spent on presents for him and travelling expenses when I visited but I think he was very resistant to supporting me in any way, so if I won 20 million dollars or something I'd be thinking, "Maybe my ex will be willing to give our relationship another try now because I can be completely financially independent of him" I've been reading about "getting your ex back" and whatnot. NC isn't supposed to be a permanent rule, it's supposed to be a reset button. The fact that you are breaking NC after a long period of time makes your actions a lot more genuine that you truly love and care for the other person as opposed to chasing them in that very moment when the break-up is all new. I would break NC and say something simple. Something simple? I guess that might be a good idea, I do have to see my ex again at some point to get my stuff back from his house so thinking maybe I can talk to him then about how I feel. But I know, from how cold he's been towards me that he's likely to just reject me again and I'd be back to square one probably. *Sighs* Its a tough choice whether or not to break NC to express my feelings again. I just don't know what to do for the best. About 4 weeks ago I sent a somewhat over the top email to him and I haven't heard from him since which suggests that he's not interested in me anymore and doesn't want me in his life anymore as much as that hurts and I want to live in a fantasy land where he does still love me and want me in his life.
Author RuinedLife Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 The only i can say is it WILL get better. There is something out there that will click and when it does you will not care about your ex like you do now. I wrote something not to long ago about "focus's", almost like my theory on it. I believe that especially when it comes to breakups, its all about focues's. Why does it seem like your ex doesnt care? They have a new focus usually. Why are some people over their relationship and some arent? They have a new focus, they have moved on. Think of it like this, if you woke up and won 20 million dollars tomorrow, do you think that when you were awarded the money, watching it go into your account, getting phone calls, texts etc; that you would be thinking about your ex? Nope. Which is the proof that at this point (because its still fresh) that is your only focus. At one point in my break up i was dealing with an injury, i would wake up some days and be like "wow, i havent thought of her in days", the injury was my focus. What will start to happen is time will go by and naturally the thoughts will lessen, once that starts things will catch your attention more, when they do you will notice it start to wear off, then your body gets used to it, you find the confidence, hobbies etc - and start moving on. Yes what you say here makes a lot of sense and it just takes time I guess to adjust to a life without that person whom you love. I suppose it just takes longer for some than others, probably due to their sensitivity, their maturity (and level of experience with relationships and break ups), their physical health, the amount of distraction activities they have available, the number of friends they have around them to hang out with etc. It just takes time. I think I have been struggling a lot to cope with this break up because of my depression too and hopefully when my medication starts working properly, and after I've had some more therapy sessions I'll start to feel better about myself and life. Because at the moment the future just seems black to me and I just feel so empty, worthless and hopeless. But as my depression lifts a little hopefully I'll be able to see this break up in a more logical way and start to really accept that its over and move forward with my life.
radiodarcy Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Also when I'm watching really interesting or funny youtube videos I get this huge urge to send him the links and joke about the contents with him in emails etc, just as I used to. Again I know I must resist. I post here now instead, because apart from my family, you guys here on LS are my best friends now. And I have posted quite a few links to funny break up videos etc on here, but its still not the same as having a best friend to share these things with. A best friend who knows all your quirks, shares all your interests and who gets all your "in jokes". i can totally identify with this. i've been able to maintain NC for three months without too much a problem these last couple of weeks. but then i found this super cute youtube video that i know he would have loved. i wanted to send it to him sooo badly because hey - - that's what i do with all my friends. but then i forced myself to visualize sending it to him: me sending him the link (all the while telling myself it was no big deal if he didn't respond - - but secretly thinking it would be great if he did); me checking my e-mail/IM/phone throughout the day, looking for a response from him (in spite of telling myself that it wouldn't matter if he did or not); and finally, me not hearing from him and falling into a depression and then kicking myself for breaking NC over a stupid link once i went through that - - i was like "um yeah - - totally not worth it" instead i sent it to all my other friends who loved it as much as i did! not the same as sending it to him but it made me feel a lot less alone and upset than if i had.
Karala Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 I believe that especially when it comes to breakups, its all about focues's. Why does it seem like your ex doesnt care? They have a new focus usually. Why are some people over their relationship and some arent? They have a new focus, they have moved on. This is so very true! It also explains why our exes seems so careless to us. It's not that they suddenly stopped caring about us, it's just that they're not thinking about us so much, very simple. In order to miss someone, you have to think about them. Am I missing my ex when I'm thinking of when I'll be back in dance class, or about what holidays I'm gonna take this summer? No. And it's not because I don't care about him or don't care for him. It's just that when I'm focused on something else that's interesting to me, I don't think about him so much or about the implications of the breakup. That's what our exes are doing continuously since the breakup and we should follow their example ^^ At one point in my break up i was dealing with an injury, i would wake up some days and be like "wow, i havent thought of her in days", the injury was my focus. Now THAT (not thinking about my ex for several days in a row) would be a really nice act to pull.
Author RuinedLife Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 Now THAT (not thinking about my ex for several days in a row) would be a really nice act to pull. Several days in a row?!??! I'm lucky if I can go several minutes without thinking about my ex!! And its been 6 months now for heavens sake! I wish I could alter my focus, but I have this horrible ability to do something and think of something else at the same time and then associate the 2 things. I.e. I can watch new episodes of TV shows that me and my ex never even watched together and yet I'm still thinking about my ex in the back of my mind so I associate the 2 things!! Its sooo annoying. And when I'm writing I'm thinking of my ex all the time, when I'm with my family, when I'm playing chess with my brother, when I'm shorting the laundry for my mother. Whatever I'm doing 99 times out of 100 I'm thinking of my ex or worse the break up. Focus on pandas focus on pandas... damn my ex in a panda suit... Focus on strawberries, focus on strawberries... damn my ex in a strawberry costume!!!
Movingthrough Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 This is so very true! It also explains why our exes seems so careless to us. It's not that they suddenly stopped caring about us, it's just that they're not thinking about us so much, very simple. In order to miss someone, you have to think about them. Am I missing my ex when I'm thinking of when I'll be back in dance class, or about what holidays I'm gonna take this summer? No. And it's not because I don't care about him or don't care for him. It's just that when I'm focused on something else that's interesting to me, I don't think about him so much or about the implications of the breakup. That's what our exes are doing continuously since the breakup and we should follow their example ^^ Exactly. It really is so simple, and i would find myself thinking about this all the time like "if i met someone right now, and they actually were better then my ex in every way, would i really be thinking about her?"...no. If you ex was put in a room where he or she had to think about you for 5 minutes with no other focus's, it woud hurt them, trust me. But they saw a problem (enough to end it) and found a new focus, even if it was as simple as being single. One thing i have found out through my breakup is that the dumpers are feeling it more then you think. I was really bad after mine, you would have never noticed it, but mentally i was very worn out by it. I over think everything (which has helped me get over it) and would run myself into the ground. But little by little things would start coming out of the wood work. I would go months without talking to my ex, hurting and knowing that "wow this is really over, i cant believe it", mentally i was in deep pain. I 100% thought she was over me, could give two sh*ts, and was done, she also moved onto another guy with 1 month of me. Then something funny happened. I started hanging out with a girl she used to know very well, me and this girl had a thing a long time ago but have always remained very close, shes a great person. We hung out a few times, the second time we hung out my ex ends up contacting this girl and going OFF about me, blamed the whole thing on me, i was this that, i really wanted her but just "settled" for something else etc etc. While intially i was angry...something clicked. My ex was jealous, pissed off, and mad that i wasnt putting the energy into her, whats that tell you? That the dumpers are a lot more human then we make them out to be, the only reason she wasnt as "messed up" as me is because she had a new focus (new guy), but the minute she stewed in her own thoughts and heard she wasnt MY focus anymore........she flipped out and the human came out. So wait a second....i thought you were supper happy with your new guy? Dont you have a million pictures online of you and this new guy "in love"? You dont have to be a psych. to know that she isnt really happy, which proves my point even more. Whats easier?.....dealing with the pain like we are going through?....or moving on to something that is "ok" but takes our focus off our own problems?........the answer is the second one. I made a post about it and i think Graceful replied to it and said it the best way, "now her real side has come out..". We have to keep in mind as dumpees that they are human and they are hurt too, even pissed off sometimes, but they dont show it because they were the ones that broke it off. As time has gone by i almost have to laugh at this stuff. Its so easy to see but its so hard for us to feel it, at this point the only thing i can say is after going through this you will never feel like this again, and if you do then you didnt do enough work. Know in your head that i was as bad as you if not worse and look how im typing now. It WILL get better...
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