eleanorhurting Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Hey... after a devastating breakup December 2010 i have began dating for the first time in a long time and I don't even know how to do this. I have been studying for my boards all of May and June so I have not had a life. This has made things harder because somehow I end up thinking about my breakup which i thought i was over every once in a while. Before board study time, I ended up spending more time with a classmate of mine and we ended up hooking up. He was the one that started pursuing me and he seemed super interested. All my friends who know him approved and were happy that I was finally moving on from the breakup. I thought it could be a mistake and that it could go all wrong but I decided not to think about it so much and just enjoy the good company and not start freaking out. We saw each other every other day for 3 weeks until he left to an apartment 2 hours away from me to study for his board too. During this time we text everyday. Sometimes he starts it, sometimes i start it. But if i haven't texted him by midnight he usually ends up texting me or saying I hope you had a good day etc. The thing is he never calls! And sometimes when I say something sweet or mushy he doesn't reply. I'm having a hard time reading this guy. And I'm a little discouraged by the whole dating thing. I can't understand how someone can be so into you and then suddenly not! I dont know how much of it is the boards and how much of it is not but I dont want to wait until later to find out he simply was not interested. It makes me miss the stability of being in a relationship and not having to play games and then its a vicious circle because I get angry again about why my ex and I broke up and how everyone out there that ever approaches me is obviously looking for a hook up (this is the first person I have "dated" but other idiots have tried the friends with benefits card without any success). Could he just not be into me? If it matters, we've seen each other twice but both times it was because he had to come to town for another reason (like a drs appointment).
The Connoisseur Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Hey... after a devastating breakup December 2010 i have began dating for the first time in a long time and I don't even know how to do this. I have been studying for my boards all of May and June so I have not had a life. This has made things harder because somehow I end up thinking about my breakup which i thought i was over every once in a while. Before board study time, I ended up spending more time with a classmate of mine and we ended up hooking up. He was the one that started pursuing me and he seemed super interested. All my friends who know him approved and were happy that I was finally moving on from the breakup. I thought it could be a mistake and that it could go all wrong but I decided not to think about it so much and just enjoy the good company and not start freaking out. We saw each other every other day for 3 weeks until he left to an apartment 2 hours away from me to study for his board too. During this time we text everyday. Sometimes he starts it, sometimes i start it. But if i haven't texted him by midnight he usually ends up texting me or saying I hope you had a good day etc. The thing is he never calls! And sometimes when I say something sweet or mushy he doesn't reply. I'm having a hard time reading this guy. And I'm a little discouraged by the whole dating thing. I can't understand how someone can be so into you and then suddenly not! I dont know how much of it is the boards and how much of it is not but I dont want to wait until later to find out he simply was not interested. It makes me miss the stability of being in a relationship and not having to play games and then its a vicious circle because I get angry again about why my ex and I broke up and how everyone out there that ever approaches me is obviously looking for a hook up (this is the first person I have "dated" but other idiots have tried the friends with benefits card without any success). Could he just not be into me? If it matters, we've seen each other twice but both times it was because he had to come to town for another reason (like a drs appointment). After only 6 months your friends were clamoring for you to be hitched rather than ditched? Children today sure move fast. What matters more is not if he is into you but if you find what you have with him satisfactory. You do not. Game over. Move on.
Author eleanorhurting Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 I'm not sure what you meant by that. What I intended to say is that they were happy that I was opening up to the idea of someone new instead of still being hung up on the breakup which was extremely hard. I get what you mean and you are right. Maybe my expectations are too high?
kiss_andmakeup Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 I'm a little unclear about the specifics of your post, particularly this: We saw each other every other day for 3 weeks until he left to an apartment 2 hours away from me to study for his board too. During this time we text everyday. Sometimes he starts it, sometimes i start it. But if i haven't texted him by midnight he usually ends up texting me or saying I hope you had a good day etc. The thing is he never calls! And sometimes when I say something sweet or mushy he doesn't reply. Are you saying that upon his move (2 hours away), he ceased to call or text or otherwise contact you regularly? Or that he still sends texts but just never calls? Also, I'm not sure as to whether you are sexually active...you did use the term "hooked up" but some people use that term to mean hanging out/going on a date. I'd say if you are/were sexually active, and contact has in fact ceased since he's moved, then the answer is pretty clear: when he lived closer, you were a convenient lay, and he had a vested interest in keeping you interested. Now that the guaranteed sex is no longer convenient, he has less reason to keep you interested. Still, I could be totally missing the mark because I feel that more information is necessary. During the 3-week period where you were seeing each other every day (a huge no-no for a budding relationship, by the way), what were you doing? Going out, sharing activities, going on dates, etc? Or just staying in, "hanging out," being sexually intimate? Or some combination of the two? On the occasions that he has come into town to see you (at his convenience only, as you noted), what did you do? Dates? Dinner? Activities? Or just sex? The above information is crucial to be able to draw a conclusion.
Author eleanorhurting Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 I'm sorry I was not clear. We were seeing each other every other day not every day. We would have lunch, dinner, watch movies, go to the beach, hang out with our mutual friends. Come to think of it he never really called me either during this time unless it was to meet up (example: hey im here where are you) but we did text all the time. And we still AFTER he moved away text or email or g-chat every day. But he has not called once. And yes we ended up being intimate the last night we saw each other before he moved away. Rookie mistake I suppose. The times he has come into town we had lunch once and the other time we had lunch and then ended up going back to his place. Something that is throwing me off is that during those 3 weeks he kissed me in front of his friends, his brother, his best friend, our mutual friends. That does not seem like something someone who just wants casual sex does. After the last time I saw him I told him that I felt that we should not have moved so fast physically and that I wanted to take things slow in the future and he said he totally understood. And he still has been texting me every day after that. I just wish it would be more... like tell me you miss me! tell me something nice! Call me! I don't get it. Should I ask him? Please don't laugh!
Author eleanorhurting Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 I do. I would like to if things are going to be the way they were at the beginning. If not then, no.
Author eleanorhurting Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 should I wait? should I ignore him to see if he comes around?
Author eleanorhurting Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 what would be the honest way to go about it without playing games?
Author eleanorhurting Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 is that "trying to force things" or "rush things" should i just "let things flow"
lacoqueta Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 I'm not a guy but once you have sex with him and then tell him you want to slow things down, I wouldn't think he'd be too happy about that....
Author eleanorhurting Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 You're right maybe this is doomed maybe I just need to let it go.
Author eleanorhurting Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 I asked him why he would never return my affectionate texts or call. "Im sorry if I have not been as affectionate as you would have wanted me to. I dont think you should waste your time and energy trying to figure out what I think or I dont think. I dont give you more than I can right now. Dont take me wrong,its not that I dont care. I hope you understand and i'm sorry if I messed with your concentration studying for the exam"
Author eleanorhurting Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 im thinking of telling him i dont want us to talk anymore until after my board. do you think that is a good idea?
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 I asked him why he would never return my affectionate texts or call. "Im sorry if I have not been as affectionate as you would have wanted me to. I dont think you should waste your time and energy trying to figure out what I think or I dont think. I dont give you more than I can right now. Dont take me wrong,its not that I dont care. I hope you understand and i'm sorry if I messed with your concentration studying for the exam" I'm very sorry - but I think this is telling you clearly that your relationship with him is not happening. Also, a guy who is into you and who wants you to feel connected would call sometimes, even if rarely. But his answer to you does say it all. If he someday has more to give, he may contact you, but don't even think about that possibility. I believe it's time for you to move on. I hope that you can accept your experience with him as your foray back into the dating world, and don't take this all terribly hard. I understand that things seemed to be on track. Probably your lives are not really in the right places for the two of you to be in a relationship.
Author eleanorhurting Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 You guys are right. Now that I have accepted it I feel much better rather than feeling strange about it. We talked, we argued and we ended the conversation on a good note but I told him I don't want us to talk anymore until after our boards. It was about time I grew a pair.
D-Lish Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 I'm not sure what about this situation is making you upset? Some people just don't like talking on the phone! I am one of those people, I just have an aversion to it, end of story. Not everyone wants to spend countless hours talking on the phone. My ex and I kept in contact via text inbetween seeing each other- because both of us just didn't like talking on the phone- we'd talk in person. I don't think you can judge someone's level of interest solely on the phone calling- some people really don't like it. If he's busy studying, he's not going to have the time to get on the phone every night. I'll give you my take on this- he likes you, but the realtionship is still so new! You guys saw each other all the time before he went away- but currently he has a responsibility to pass his Boards. That might be stressful and time consuming for him. Now is not the time to be pressuring or starting arguments with him. He's texting you everyday, he makes it a priority to see you when he comes to town. I just think it's way too soon to be having too many expectations out of the relationship. You have your Boards to pass as well- and you should be focusing on that, not worrying "about a boy". The relationship is still in the developing stages- it hasn't been that long! This is the time to remain relaxed and enjoy getting to know each other. If he's studying, he's probably focused on that. I think you're over reacting- because everything else has seemed positive from what you've said. Just consider the fact that he's not big on phone talking- lots of people out there are like that. I fear, that your decision to not talk until after the Boards was a hasty decision. You've essentially just pushed him away without really knowing if there is an issue or not- and in doing so, you've actually created an issue... The relationship is young- just relax and enjoy getting to know one another. It's too early to introduce any kind of pressure.
D-Lish Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 I asked him why he would never return my affectionate texts or call. "Im sorry if I have not been as affectionate as you would have wanted me to. I dont think you should waste your time and energy trying to figure out what I think or I dont think. I dont give you more than I can right now. Dont take me wrong,its not that I dont care. I hope you understand and i'm sorry if I messed with your concentration studying for the exam" I think it's too soon to be asking him these types of things!!! It's just going to come off as being needy. Things take time to develop into a relationship, he's obviously not there yet, and pushing him for answers about phone calling and affection at this stage of the game isn't going to help him get there- it will probably push him away even further. Honestly, take a deep breath, relax, and focus on yourself. There is some interest there, so let it develop without throwing any pressure into the mix. I know you really like him, but unfortunately dating is about taking risks.
Author eleanorhurting Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 I think it's too soon to be asking him these types of things!!! It's just going to come off as being needy. Things take time to develop into a relationship, he's obviously not there yet, and pushing him for answers about phone calling and affection at this stage of the game isn't going to help him get there- it will probably push him away even further. Honestly, take a deep breath, relax, and focus on yourself. There is some interest there, so let it develop without throwing any pressure into the mix. I know you really like him, but unfortunately dating is about taking risks. You are probably right. Maybe I am creating an issue because I'm scared of taking a risk and getting hurt after being sad for so long. I feel bad for him now! Our decision to not talk until the boards did not come out of anger in the end. I mean we talked things out and he told me he did not want to stop talking to me but he respected whatever i did. He is very laid back and I am... as you can tell... a walking neurotic nightmare and he knows this and he said whatever will help me do best on my boards he would be OK with. Like you said, my priority should be passing my exam not worrying about a boy He was really understanding in the end. I hope I have not pushed him away too far. All I know is that I am going to kick some USMLE booty because i owe it to myself to do this. And if this guy somehow is still around in 3 weeks after putting up with all my crazy then he is definitely a keeper. If not, I learned my lesson.
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