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Ex BF Contacted Me - Few Days too Late - I Slept with his friend

ItsRainingAgain

By ItsRainingAgain
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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ItsRainingAgain Member

ItsRainingAgain

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Sunday June 19th: 5 Weeks No Contact and guess what...my ex bf stoped by where I was working. Members here are right NC is for healing. I don't feel as hurt, don't know if it really was because of the NC or the fact I slept with his friend (I have known him for years)...he ended his friendship with him last summer right after his friend introduced us June 15th 2010

 

June 15th this year would of been our 1 year mark...I was very hurt that day and went out to a local bar...I ran into his friend and told him about our breakup and reminded him that exactly one year ago is the day he introduced us. He wanted to cheer me up so we had drinks together and went out that night...ended up at his house and as they say...the rest is history.

This is not like me at all..my ex hurt me when he dumped me out of the blue over the phone. I know his friend was hurt too when he ended his frienship with him. So I guess we both used each other...I feel all sorts of mixed emotions now. I feel like I cheated on him. Did I?

 

Well Sunday (fathers day) my exbf stoped by to talk to me...more like question me...he even asked me if I slept with his friend...I didn't say yes or no...I just said it has been two months that we have not been together. He always asked me in the past if I ever slept with him...which I never did until that night, I guess getting accused of it for so long and how he hurt me so much is one reason why I did it. I do feel like I cheated on him. I know now there is no going back after what I did...should I feel guilty? Has anybody been so hurt after being dumped...you do things that you would never normally do?

 

If he only tried to contact me a few days earlier.... I would of never slept with his friend.

 

 

My long story is here:http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=280691

Rita86 Established Member

Rita86

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You need to stop blaming other people for your actions.

I don't think you should feel guilty. You were not in a relationship.

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ItsRainingAgain Member

ItsRainingAgain

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You need to stop blaming other people for your actions.

I don't think you should feel guilty. You were not in a relationship.

 

You are right..

I know it sounds like I was blaming him for my actions, but I know it was me and only me, I was so hurt and I still am.... but now I feel guilty but I know I shouldn't! He dumped me!

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ItsRainingAgain Member

ItsRainingAgain

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If he was the right guy for you, then you wouldn't have slept with his friend. Period. A few days here or there makes no difference. Try to feel what it would be like if he slept with a mate of yours..Not nice. If he didn't figure it out that you are not right for him, then he will have now. When will people realise it's not cool to hurt someone because they have hurt you...

 

Time to move on and hopefully learn from your mistakes..

 

I feel guilty as it is but...he is the one that dumped me two months ago and his friend is also my friend for over 15 years. No matter who I slept with I would still feel guily because of the breakup...out of the blue for no reason, he really has issues and I know now by him stopping by my work I know he regrets it...he is so stubborn and if he did just try to talk to me sooner none of this would of happened.

 

He hurt me...and I didn't do this to hurt him! That is why I feel so quilty.

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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I don't think you should feel guilty about sleep with someone. But, I think I know why you do.

 

It wasn't about the act itself but rather of who it was with. It was with his friend...or rather his ex-friend that he's accused you of sleeping with in the past (is this why they're not friends anymore?) So, you two broke up. You may have been harboring some resentment towards your Ex; had a few drinks in you, that when the opportunity arose you went for it. Subconsciously, it was like getting back at him for the break up. "Well, since you accused me of it, I might as well do it." After the fact when he approached you about it, you saw in his eyes how this affected him and I'm speculating you did feel good about it.

 

Point is, if it was some other cute guy that he didn't know that you met up for coffee and went on a few dates with, you wouldn't be feeling this way.

 

Lessons learned.

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whatdoido1717 Established Member

whatdoido1717

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Personally, I don't like what you did, whether you are in a relationship with him or not. You shouldn't sleep around with friends (or even Ex-Friends as in your case) of your Ex. There are plenty of people out there, move on and find somebody new, this only complicates things, burns the bridge between you two and him and his friend forever, etc. ...especially so soon after the breakup.

 

My Ex-Ex became very good friends with my close friends in my home town while we were together. I recently found out that some of those friends were trying and successfully set my Ex up with a mutual acquaintance. I lost all respect for her and for a few of my friends for not having a fundamental amount of respect for me and have totally removed them from my life. I think much less of these people and their values now.

 

I look at her with shame and pity, thinking, there are plenty of people in this world and think it is laughable she has to come all the way back to my group of friends to find a new man. If it would have been as recent as your breakup (this was about 7-8 months post-B/U and after I had already been in another relationship and I was still bothered by it) and had gone straight to sex, I would be furious and by the time I had moved on I would never want to see that person again.

 

You slammed the door shut on your past or any possible reconciliation with him by doing that, now you have to forget about him all together and move forward.

HeartOfAPhoenix Established Member

HeartOfAPhoenix

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Personally, I don't like what you did, whether you are in a relationship with him or not. You shouldn't sleep around with friends (or even Ex-Friends as in your case) of your Ex. There are plenty of people out there, move on and find somebody new, this only complicates things, burns the bridge between you two and him and his friend forever, etc. ...especially so soon after the breakup.

 

 

I thought I was the only one that feels this way ^

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ItsRainingAgain Member

ItsRainingAgain

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I don't think you should feel guilty about sleep with someone. But, I think I know why you do.

 

Thanks for you reply Chi townD. After posting this I was and still am prepared for all sorts of comments. It's hard not to feel guilty but thanks.

 

It wasn't about the act itself but rather of who it was with. It was with his friend...or rather his ex-friend that he's accused you of sleeping with in the past (is this why they're not friends anymore?)

 

I know this post sounds so horrible and cruel: "slept with his friend" again this friend I have known for over 15 years...that's why my ex always asked me and accused me of sleeping with him.

 

This is NOT the reason why he cut all ties with his friend. He has issues, I do believe he has BPD. He ended his friendship a year ago like he ended our relationship...out of the blue for no reason. That is why this breakup was so hard on me...didn't see it coming.

 

 

So, you two broke up. You may have been harboring some resentment towards your Ex; had a few drinks in you, that when the opportunity arose you went for it. Subconsciously, it was like getting back at him for the break up. "Well, since you accused me of it, I might as well do it."

 

Yes it was like getting back at him....again I knew this man for over 15 years and never had any kind of relations with him....just friends.

 

After the fact when he approached you about it, you saw in his eyes how this affected him and I'm speculating you did feel good about it.

 

He accused me but I really don't believe he thinks I did...after he accused me of sleeping with him he then asked if I was in a relationship.

 

I don't feel good about any of this.

And I wouldn't want to hurt him like he hurt me.

Point is, if it was some other cute guy that he didn't know that you met up for coffee and went on a few dates with, you wouldn't be feeling this way.

 

After more time went by and it was some other guy...you are right I probably wouldn't feel like this.

 

 

Lessons learned
.

Lesson learned the hard way.

 

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ItsRainingAgain Member

ItsRainingAgain

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Personally, I don't like what you did, whether you are in a relationship with him or not.

 

I don't like what I did either.

 

You shouldn't sleep around with friends (or even Ex-Friends as in your case) of your Ex.

 

Again he was my friend that I known for over 15 years.

 

There are plenty of people out there, move on and find somebody new, this only complicates things, burns the bridge between you two and him and his friend forever, etc. ...especially so soon after the breakup.

 

That's one reason why I feel so guilty...two months after he dumped me...I slept with someone while I am still trying to heal.

 

 

My Ex-Ex became very good friends with my close friends in my home town while we were together. I recently found out that some of those friends were trying and successfully set my Ex up with a mutual acquaintance. I lost all respect for her and for a few of my friends for not having a fundamental amount of respect for me and have totally removed them from my life. I think much less of these people and their values now.

 

I look at her with shame and pity, thinking, there are plenty of people in this world and think it is laughable she has to come all the way back to my group of friends to find a new man. If it would have been as recent as your breakup (this was about 7-8 months post-B/U and after I had already been in another relationship and I was still bothered by it) and had gone straight to sex, I would be furious and by the time I had moved on I would never want to see that person again.

 

I can see your point of view, but in my case it is different. I didn't become friends with this man because of my ex....I became my exes girlfriend because of this man.

 

And he dumped me...now it would be worse if I dumped him and then slept with someone so soon (two months). That's the big difference...He dumped me.

 

You slammed the door shut on your past or any possible reconciliation with him by doing that, now you have to forget about him all together and move forward.

 

He slammed the door on me and his (my) friend.

 

But you are right there is no going back, because I feel so awful.

 

Guess I won't be posting in the second chances forum.

 

Thanks for your reply.

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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He slammed the door on me and his (my) friend.

 

But you are right there is no going back, because I feel so awful.

 

Guess I won't be posting in the second chances forum.

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

Yep, I think this is done because, even though you didn't admit it to his face, he knows what happened. Someone told him or else he wouldn't have come to your work and confront you about it. AND, you didn't outright say "NO". Sorry, but this guy is gone.

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ItsRainingAgain Member

ItsRainingAgain

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Yep, I think this is done because, even though you didn't admit it to his face, he knows what happened. Someone told him or else he wouldn't have come to your work and confront you about it. AND, you didn't outright say "NO". Sorry, but this guy is gone.

 

 

Hi Chi townD thanks again for your reply.

I did respond to another reply from you and again I thank you.

 

I don't believe this guy is "gone" yet.

 

In my long original post I said he had some of my belongings....well back then he said "not yours" (when I emailed him his last contact from me 6 weeks ago) of course they were and guess what he showed up again today and dropped some off. Asked if I wanted them and I said no you don't have to drop them off....he said they are in the back of his truck and he would throw it away ...so of course I got them....he said a couple of times...."I am not an *******" . He then drove off.

 

Now what should I make of this....these things he dropped off were for my garage sale I have every weekend. (where he dropped them off) he still has some of my personal items...not much but things I have asked for 6 weeks ago.

 

 

If someone wants to end the relationship....why do they hold on to the other persons belongings?

 

Still hurt and still feeling guilty.....

wilsonx Established Member

wilsonx

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as a guy, if you were in a relationship with me and you slept with one of my friends, you are done. Even if we are broken up

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ItsRainingAgain Member

ItsRainingAgain

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as a guy, if you were in a relationship with me and you slept with one of my friends, you are done. Even if we are broken up

 

 

Again...the title sounds bad but if you read through the post...

he dumped me and the "friend" is also my friend that I have known for over 15 years....and the "friend" is the one that introduced my ex and I one year ago June 15th. I think I still would feel guilty no matter who it was... I still am very heart broken over this breakup.

 

I bet if I was a guy posting this I would be getting high fives.

(I hope not) :(

HeartOfAPhoenix Established Member

HeartOfAPhoenix

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I bet if I was a guy posting this I would be getting high fives.

(I hope not) :(

 

even though my ex dumped me I still wouldn't sleep with one of her friends, regardless of whether it's a mutual friend or not, just my opinion though.

 

 

I highly doubt you would be getting high fives if you were a guy, if you did I would have a few questions about the replying posters.

 

 

But what's done is done so all you can do is pack up and move on. I know you feel like you made a mistake, others agree, and I bet some people would disagree (seems like a gray area), but you need to accept everything and move on.

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ItsRainingAgain Member

ItsRainingAgain

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even though my ex dumped me I still wouldn't sleep with one of her friends, regardless of whether it's a mutual friend or not, just my opinion though.

 

 

I highly doubt you would be getting high fives if you were a guy, if you did I would have a few questions about the replying posters.

 

 

But what's done is done so all you can do is pack up and move on. I know you feel like you made a mistake, others agree, and I bet some people would disagree (seems like a gray area), but you need to accept everything and move on.

 

As to the high fives if I was a man .... I have read similar older posts but they wanted to know who dumped who in order to get the "high fives". that's why I said that.

 

Thank you for your replies HeartOfAPhoenix. I tried to move on by not contacting him....at first I tried to reach out to him and then I knew... NC!

 

Well he came by again today at the garage sale today and callled me over to his truck to talk to him....he said "I am not mad at you "(and that has nothing to do what happened between our friend) and asked how I was doing and what have I been doing.....I said working...and he told me what I was doing at the garage sale wasn't working...well of course I was mad and siad it made money...well it ended bad...I ended the small chit chat by saying...you chose this and you didn't want me to call you or email you anymore and I haven't....it's been 2 months!!!!

 

Who knew he would of reached out to me after all this time....he is a very stubburn man and made comments as such in the past. I would of never done what I did if I thought for one split second he would actually conatact me. Now what? I am more heartbroken now than I was when he first dumped me...

HeartOfAPhoenix Established Member

HeartOfAPhoenix

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I would of never done what I did if I thought for one split second he would actually conatact me. Now what? I am more heartbroken now than I was when he first dumped me...

 

 

ex's seem to contact you when you least expect them to, or at least my ex has contacted me when I least expected it. Go NC and focus on you, accept everything that happened, find closure from within, and move on.

 

 

if he comes back and wants another chance at the relationship then great. it's highly unlikely that this will happen but I strongly urge you to tell him about you sleeping with a friend IF he comes back. it doesn't have to be right away but I wouldn't try to hide the fact.

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ItsRainingAgain Member

ItsRainingAgain

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ex's seem to contact you when you least expect them to, or at least my ex has contacted me when I least expected it. Go NC and focus on you, accept everything that happened, find closure from within, and move on.

 

 

if he comes back and wants another chance at the relationship then great. it's highly unlikely that this will happen but I strongly urge you to tell him about you sleeping with a friend IF he comes back. it doesn't have to be right away but I wouldn't try to hide the fact.

 

 

Thank you for your opinion. I will keep NC. I think as they say he is leaving "bread crumbs" He has not yet emailed me or called me....only stop by where I am working on the weekends (3 times now) I believe he is just playing with me...wants me to call him or email him...but I won't contact him...if that never happened with our friend I probably would of broke NC.

 

How did your ex contact you and how long did it take for her to contact you? I will have to read up on your situation.

 

If and I mean a big IF ...he really wants another chance...I would have to tell him right away because he would ask...he asked if I was already in a relationship the first time he stopped by my work.

 

Thanks again.

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