How to heal from hurt a good guy with bad choices caused? Long but All alone

[beachgirl.]

My bf and I were best friends first. We have everything in common, we think alike, have the same outlook on life, love, sex, politics, children and*marriage (both anti the latter). We have amazing chemistry. We could talk for seven hours with no dull moment or single pause.

 

When we got together he texted a handful of girls he knew could be trouble, politely telling them they're not gonna be talking anymore because he has a gf (which I didn't ask him to do). He's always honest with me - he's gorgeous, intelligent, funny, charming, and is still my best friend.

 

He's really loving and would tell me things like, "thank you so much for being my girlfriend," "you've crawled into my heart and made me fall for you in such a short time, all you have to do is set up camp and it's yours," "you make me the happiest I've been in my life, and our relationship is surpassing anything I've ever had." And this is a guy who's been with a lot of girls. He's also not the type to just tell me what I want to hear. He'll say it straight up good or bad.

 

But he left to pursue a music career two months into our relationship. A month later, he talked about how he was afraid we'd end up feeling more like just friends after a while*and he was terrified of losing me. I ended up getting a text one morning saying, "we need to talk about something bad that happened last night." He told me he got drunk and kissed this girl he had given a ride home. A girl that was always around because she was his roommate's friend. I was heartbroken and didn't speak to him for a bit. When we did talk, he told me he loved me *saying, "I'm not using this as a cop-out, but I'm in love with you and this is not the way I wanted to tell you, but I just wanted you to know. I've been in love with you for quite some time, but I felt like that stupid boy who fell too quickly - that you'd always mock and say 'it isn't real if it happens that soon', but for me it did." He said, "I wanted to tell you but I was terrified you'd laugh at me or run, because the first time I told you when I was drunk, you look petrified (which I did), and the second time when I soberly let it slip, you said 'I*love you too, like a friend' (I didn't mean it like that) and I hated having to cover myself or make excuses. That was the only thing I've ever kept from you, and it ate away at me." I am sorry for making him feel that way, but there is no excuse. And then he says he thinks the reason they kissed is because he was upset and worried about us, felt like he was losing me, I was never going to love him, and wanted to feel wanted, plus he was drunk. Plus, HE had trust issues because I was doing drugs up until our first month, which he's against now (since he's had bad experiences). And I had *taken three different drugs at his friends' party without telling him. Anyway, so he said, "She's a very pretty girl, but I wasn't attracted to her. She could have been some fat, ugly girl, and I was feeling hurt and vulnerable." And he immediately regretted it - no makeout, no fondling. But he shouldn't have given her a ride home drunk at all. Not his responsibility. I guess she got the keys from her friend and made sure my bf drove her. He should have recognized a bad situation and avoided it, and seen she was trying to get him alone.

 

But he was still talking to her after that. Supposedly he apologized to HER saying he was sorry if he led her on, he's in love with me and it was a mistake. He listened to her talk about her boyfriend(s), because he's that kind of guy. He's really respectful towards women and offers advice which even he said gets misconstrued as him being interested. Apparently she got pissed. While we weren't talking, he got drunk AGAIN while this girl was over and everyone was like, "she's been giving you looks all night man." And when he went in a room to lay down, this bitch comes in and gets in bed with him and won't leave for a while after he tells her to get out. She had the nerve to say, "I don't understand why you and I can't be together now," after she hears he was crying and throwing up over that. And when they were at a bar as a group, some other girl came up to him and he told her he has a gf and then the bitch comes up and bar girl goes, "is this your girlfriend? You guys look cute together." And my bf goes, "absolutely not," to which the whore takes*offense and says, "thanks." I'm like, but you're NOT his girlfriend you dumb bitch. But he was still texting this girl here and there. Even brought her to hang with his friends trying to set her up. To even bring her around or still talk to her is ****ed up. And then after they all hung out, of course she expected to stay at his new place, but he wouldn't allow it and forced her to stay with his friends. So boo-hoo poor her, she got pissed and goes, "so you're just going to push me off on your friends? That's ****ed up." They don't talk anymore, so he says.

 

Now we're together.*I forgave him quickly because I didn't believe he would fight for me. I wanted to know he would quit his band and fly back home to get me back (even though later he said he'd chase me to the ends of the earth and wait for me and even though it would hurt him, he'd watch me go through 100 guys until he got me back). But I was scared he was going to find some other girl and treat her the way I deserved to be. I knew he deserved for me to make him sweat it out, but I'd be punishing myself too. Honestly, I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I've been there. I "cheated" on my ex, who I wasn't exclusive with, but realized I loved too late, and he wouldn't forgive me. Still, I just don't understand. My bf never cheated on any girl before, girls he "didn't have feelings for". Why me, the girl he "loves most"?

 

So I moved in with him, because*he wasn't going to get my trust back 2,000 miles away. It still hurts and I think about it every day. I still cry. Sometimes we're having an amazing day and it'll pop into my head and I'll insult him, *be cold, quiet, and distant, not wanting to look at him because it makes me hurt and angry. I don't*talk about my feelings because I hate being vulnerable. But when this got brought up during a fight, and I told him why I can be cruel at times, I was crying and said, "you're not sorry." He goes, "you want to see how sorry I am?" and comes back with a huge bone deep gash on his arm saying, "I would bleed for you, don't you see I would give you everything? I would take a bullet for you." And he said what I told him haunts him.*

 

I'm a beautiful girl, who's gotten much praise and always had healthy confidence, but now I feel inferior and insecure when I shouldn't. Especially because that girl is really unattractive. And I'm not the type to knock another girl down to make myself feel better. I know my beauty, and I will recognize another girls. Like one of his exes, the only one he loved before me, I have openly said how pretty she is. This one is absolutely not. Tons of girls hit on my boyfriend, and I hate when he talks to anyone now. I don't like him befriending any girl. I hate this feeling. I was always the cool girlfriend who trusted, and I feel he turned me into the psycho protective one that I hate being. He's still loving and affectionate, and I love him so much, but I do not trust him. I thought I could eventually get over this. But I'm scared that maybe I won't. I know I want only him for the rest of my life (which I have never felt before. I was always the flirty commitment-phobe) and I do love him more than anything, but not with my whole heart, since I still have some walls up because I'm so afraid of getting hurt again. I'm not 100% vulnerable. What makes this easier besides time? He says he will spend as long as it takes gaining my trust back because that's his punishment, but I'm afraid he'll get impatient. How can I learn to trust him again, and put down my walls? Am I being dumb to forgive him or was in just an honest mistake?

[beachgirl.]

I know I've made mistakes in this relationship, we both have. I take full responsibility for my actions with the drugs, and I'm sorry I made him doubt me or feel that I do shady things or hide things. I've talked to guy friends that are attracted to me (tbh most of my male friends are I can't avoid it) but I stopped talking to the ones who gave me reason to. And I have never lied. I'm not without fault, but what he did eats away at me.

 

I'm alone in a new state and I don't have anybody besides my boyfriend. It's hard not having anyone to talk to so any advice would be much appreciated.

[phillyfan]

I told him why I can be cruel at times, I was crying and said, "you're not sorry." He goes, "you want to see how sorry I am?" and comes back with a huge bone deep gash on his arm saying, "I would bleed for you, don't you see I would give you everything? I would take a bullet for you."

 

WTF?! That is some f**ked up sh*t rite there. You both need 2 get some help rite now, cause that aint normal.

 

Also lay off the otha girl, u called her a b*tch so many times, that aint healthy or nice. I think u need 2 go back home n get a bit of space to think things thru n forget all this drama.

[beachgirl.]

It's not nice for a girl who's known MY boyfriend for a month, all the while hearing him talk about me the entire time, see pictures he had of us, and give him bad advice about our relationship (she's the one who planted the 'you end up feeling more like just friends after a while' seed of doubt in his head) to constantly be after him. She is a selfish, conniving, heartless person who doesn't give a **** about me, and clearly doesn't respect our relationship. If I liked a guy who had a girl, I'd be dissappointed, but I'd back off because I would never want to cause another girl the kind of pain I would never want to feel. I'm not the type to run down another person, but this awful girl deserves everything bad she's got coming to her.

 

I don't understand how anyone that hears what this girl did would back her up.

 

And yes I know him cutting his arm was pretty insane. Even he said, "I went too far this time". I really can't believe he did that. But at least the scar he has now is a wake up call, and he looks at it as a reminder when he gets upset not to do anything so rash until he's got a clear mind.

[Nexus One]

This is what I intuitively think about the situation. Perhaps you two are a too potent mix of a couple. One drinks too much alcohol, gets drunk, slips up, cuts open his arm for you.

 

You did drugs, appear to be quite feisty and live in fear that he slips up again.

 

What's missing in this picture? What's missing is happiness. Perhaps you two feel attracted to each other strongly, but you guys don't seem to balance each other out. Both of you are potent individuals and with potent I mean "highly flammable", not only in general, but also to each other.

Edited June 22, 2011 by Nexus One

[beachgirl.]

Thanks Nexus for your response! I understand what you mean, I'd probabaly comment the same kind of thing. The key to a good relationship is if the other person makes you happy. Both me and my boyfriend have stressed this many times. And he tells me all the time how happy I make him, how he's never been this happy, and he does make me happy 70% of the time. But the other, I remember what happened and it kills me. It sucks because besides that stain on our past, which will always be there, he's an amazing boyfriend that I am completely happy with. But because of what happened, I hold him accountable and he's paying for his sins, but so am I...

 

Thanks for taking the time to read and give input.

 

Oh, btw he stopped drinking like that since then, without me asking. And he lets me know when he's about to have a beer or two at most which I really appreciate

Edited June 22, 2011 by beachgirl.

[Chi townD]

You don't have a relationship with this guy...well...not fully. A relationship without trust isn't a relationship. If his music carreer takes off, you can be damn sure there's going to be more temptations out there. If you can't trust him now...then... well, you get the picture.

[Nexus One]

It sucks because besides that stain on our past, which will always be there

 

Here's how I view such slip-ups. If a partner cheats or kisses another person I would doubt how important they deem the relationship and me. Because my reasoning is that if your partner is into you head over heels, then he/she treads carefully, as they would not want to risk the most important thing in their life, UNLESS they do not deem the relationship that important after all. And that's why I see such great difficulty with second chances in these sort of situations.

 

However, my general attitude is that if I would constantly fear that my SO would slip up, then I would miss the entire point of the relationship, i.e. enjoying her. So in that respect I view things by the day, i.e. I just think "for however long it lasts" and try to enjoy every day of it.

 

In the case of a second chance, I would have to apply the same attitude, even more so, otherwise I would have difficulty enjoying the relationship and giving a second would have been futile to begin with.

 

That being said, personally I'm all for giving people second chances, but not third ones. And even giving a second chance after a slip-up has major implications for the relationship, which makes a second chance something very hard to give. But you did, you did make that choice.

 

So the best advice I can give you is to enjoy it "for however long it lasts", otherwise you miss the entire point of your relationship and the entire point of giving your SO a second chance.

 

But because of what happened, I hold him accountable and he's paying for his sins, but so am I...

 

A decent and dedicated partner keeps himself/herself in check, there should be no need for the SO to do that. If you have to keep you partner continuously in check, then that's a major red flag in my opinion. Ideally a partner is so in love with you that they do not even need to keep themselves in check, because they are so in love that they only have eyes for you.

[Lea L]

Wow, that was a sticky situation...

 

But if I were you, I wouldn't be too mad at your boyfriend after what he's done to show you he loves you (although he should avoid self-inflicted bodily harm in the future). I don't like to take a hostile side against anyone, but if I had to be mad at anyone, I would be mad at the girl who knew your boyfriend was in a relationship and still chose to pursue him and even take it too far.

 

I have to deal with a lot of girls like that in my current relationship, but what I do about it is rather than get angry at him and make snarky comments (although I am usually quite tempted, sadly), I just remind him how great we feel together and trust that he sees it. Because when I act out from stupid other girls who flirt with him, it tends to push him away because it can come off as insecure or possessive...

 

I hope that was somewhat helpful to you, but I wish you the best of luck regardless! Having to date someone handsome is somewhat of a curse, and when they are performers, that makes it even harder... >_<