superchiefs Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 The situation I am in is that after 5.5 years, my fiance broke up with me 2 months ago. I am trying to get over her, but she keeps contacting me telling me how she keeps crying at night and how lonely she is. However, she has said that she has started dating a coworker. So my thoughts are that she should be telling him about this sadness, but she says she doesnt feel comfortable talking to him the way she talks to me because I was her best friend. So, what I am wondering, should I just go ahead and send this guy a message and tell him what is going on? I do care about her and she says she doesnt have anyone else to tell about this loneliness. However, I cant be there for her because she hurt me so badly by dumping me. So my thoughts are that once this guy knows how lonely she is, then he can tell her that she can call him whenever she is feeling lonely. Also, that will help me move on because I am having trouble not responding to her whenever she contacts me.
oldguy Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Are you out of your freakin' mind!? Are you seriously suggesting that. "out of concern for you ex's feelings", you want to contact her new bf & tell him she is so miserable because she can't stop thinking of you!!!? This is a joke right?
Author superchiefs Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 Thanks guys for the response. I wanted an outsiders perspective because I realize that when someone is going through a breakup, they dont always think clearly. I have been going NC, but like I said, she keeps contacting me and every time she does, the pain from the breakup comes back for me while she ends up feeling good. She posts on her twitter account daily how sad and depressed she is, then she contacts me, and right after our conversation, she posts about how good she feels. Also, every time she contacts me, I go through the reasons with her again as to why we cant be friends, she says she knows, but then several days later, she is contacting me again with the same sad story. I still love her, the depression she keeps describing to me concerns me and I would feel completely responsible if she were to harm herself. However, I also love myself and know that I cant be there for her. She keeps telling me that there isnt anyone else she can tell about her depression except me, so I was hoping that by telling her new boyfriend about it, he could help her, plus then she wouldnt keep contacting me. So I was thinking it was a win/win situation. No more contact from her for me and she gets the help she needs from her new boyfriend.
oldguy Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Thanks guys for the response. I wanted an outsiders perspective because I realize that when someone is going through a breakup, they dont always think clearly. I have been going NC, but like I said, she keeps contacting me and every time she does, the pain from the breakup comes back for me while she ends up feeling good. She posts on her twitter account daily how sad and depressed she is, then she contacts me, and right after our conversation, she posts about how good she feels. Also, every time she contacts me, I go through the reasons with her again as to why we cant be friends, she says she knows, but then several days later, she is contacting me again with the same sad story. I still love her, the depression she keeps describing to me concerns me and I would feel completely responsible if she were to harm herself. However, I also love myself and know that I cant be there for her. She keeps telling me that there isnt anyone else she can tell about her depression except me, so I was hoping that by telling her new boyfriend about it, he could help her, plus then she wouldnt keep contacting me. So I was thinking it was a win/win situation. No more contact from her for me and she gets the help she needs from her new boyfriend. There you go sport
smudge21 Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 You say she keeps contacting you, when surely the issue is that you keep responding to her. If you're NC, and want to be NC, then why even answer her calls or reply to her texts.
radiodarcy Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 please don't contact her current boyfriend. it's up to your ex to tell him how she feels -- not you. it is not your responsibility to clean up her messes for her. she made the decision to dump you and get into another relationship with this guy. that's not something you do to a someone you consider a friend. so why should you continue to be a friend to her by being a shoulder to cry on when she hurt you so badly? next time she contacts you, tell her what you said here. that because you have been hurt by the way she treated you, you can no longer be there for her as a friend and that she needs to find someone else to confide in -- whether it's her current boyfriend or a counselor (it sounds to me like she would benefit more from the latter). if she has any respect for you as a friend she will refrain from contacting you and give you the space you need to heal.
Graceful Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 First, here's a dope slap. There you go. You need one. Only kidding ... well, not entirely. How much more of a wake up call do you need? Superchiefs, get a grip. Remember key word here: Dumpee. You. You were dumped. Your ex made her bed, now she lies in it. Alone, with another guy, with whomever she wants, but not with you. She dumped you, man. So remind her that now that you've been dumped, your shoulder is no longer available for her to cry on, lean on, or otherwise. No whining, complaining, crying, etc., it's not your problem anymore; you have to keep yourself afloat right now. So either go NC immediately and ignore, or tell her under no uncertain circumstances that she is not to contact you. You are not her friend, you are her EX. She dumped you, and that's not what "friends" do. Cheesh, quite honestly, when I see this sort of thing I become very annoyed. Stand up for yourself. I dated a wonderful guy for a while. After a period of time, he wanted the relationship to progress, I did not. I was fine as it was, but we were spinning our wheels. We finally agreed to split, but it was more him than me, to protect his feelings from getting more hurt. I called him ONCE. It was then he told me that he loved me too much to be friends, he missed me, and to please NOT CALL HIM again. So guess what? I never called him again because I respected his wishes. SO either tell your ex to STOP contacting you, and if she can't respect that and is too selfish or confused, then do it for her, by ignoring her. Either way, she's gone. She didn't love you enough to stay with you, and second best, backup, and safety net are not the role you want to play, are they? Okay? And oh, to answer your question, no, don't contact the new guy. Seriously, man, that's a no brainer. Got it? The situation I am in is that after 5.5 years, my fiance broke up with me 2 months ago. I am trying to get over her, but she keeps contacting me telling me how she keeps crying at night and how lonely she is. However, she has said that she has started dating a coworker. So my thoughts are that she should be telling him about this sadness, but she says she doesnt feel comfortable talking to him the way she talks to me because I was her best friend. So, what I am wondering, should I just go ahead and send this guy a message and tell him what is going on? I do care about her and she says she doesnt have anyone else to tell about this loneliness. However, I cant be there for her because she hurt me so badly by dumping me. So my thoughts are that once this guy knows how lonely she is, then he can tell her that she can call him whenever she is feeling lonely. Also, that will help me move on because I am having trouble not responding to her whenever she contacts me.
geegirl Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 How are you on NC when you keep talking to her? How are you on NC when you are checking her Twitter? NC is NO CONTACT. No twitter, text, call, smoke signal, SOS, nothing. NC = NO NEW HURTS. Everytime you keep going back, you get hammered over the head. When are you going to say enough? You want to tell her boyfriend because you want him to react, she will then have to choose, you hope in your favor, or he will dump her and all will be well because she will be alone again and the door may open again for you. The fact that she is not sure about you and now has a boyfriend is enough to tell you that you're just a fallback. Someone she can have on the side to comfort her when the boyfriend fails to give her what she wants. Her depression is her devil to deal with. Don't confuse your "wanting to show her how much you surpport her and love her hoping she will have a lightbulb moment and run to you" versus sincere concern with no expectation of anything else but her well being. She should be going to her boyfriend for support, not crying to the ex she dumped. You my friend, you need to stop being her fallback boy and start taking care of number 1, YOU. While you are nursing her drama, she's giving the best of herself to this other guy. What's left for you? Nothing.
Fufu Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 The situation I am in is that after 5.5 years, my fiance broke up with me 2 months ago. I am trying to get over her, but she keeps contacting me telling me how she keeps crying at night and how lonely she is. However, she has said that she has started dating a coworker. So my thoughts are that she should be telling him about this sadness, but she says she doesnt feel comfortable talking to him the way she talks to me because I was her best friend. So, what I am wondering, should I just go ahead and send this guy a message and tell him what is going on? I do care about her and she says she doesnt have anyone else to tell about this loneliness. However, I cant be there for her because she hurt me so badly by dumping me. So my thoughts are that once this guy knows how lonely she is, then he can tell her that she can call him whenever she is feeling lonely. Also, that will help me move on because I am having trouble not responding to her whenever she contacts me. She left you, got herself a new bf and yet still keeping you on arm's length. If this situation happens exactly to your best buddy. What will you feel and advice him to do? She already got a new bf, so whatever problems/issues she had they no longer concern you. She is stringing you along and by contacting her new bf, you are like putting the rope around yourself and let her pulled you along. My personal advice, Ignore Her. I know it is hard, but think the best for yourself.
Author superchiefs Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 Thanks again to everyone that has responded, all of your advice is very useful to me. smudge21, I keep answering her texts because even though she hurt me, I still care about her and it concerns me how she keeps telling me how depressed she is. radiodarcy, obviously she doesnt respect me because I have already told her numerous times that I can not be her friend, but yet she keeps contacting me. Graceful, you are right, I need to find the strength in ignoring her messages instead of responding because she obviously wont listen to me when I tell her not to contact me. Geegirl, I keep going NC, but then she keeps on contacting me and I keep responding. Then after I respond, I check her twitter to see if what she is telling me is true, which it appears to be. However, you are right. When she is with this new guy, she is probably telling him how great her life is, and then when the date is over she goes back in to depression. Then she has no one to talk to, so she figures she can tell me. Thank you for bringing this to my attention as it definitely will help me be strong the next time she contacts me and I am tempted to respond.
sunshine103 Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Everyone has given you very good advice here. The bottom line is you MUST respect her wish and let her move on like she already did and leave it alone. I know its hard, but when a women makes a decision to move on and starts dating someone else, there is nothing you can do. Acknowledge that it is over and focus on yourself and DO NOT let her string you along, because you will be the one who gets HURT. You cant force anyone to be with you. The next time she contacts you, ignore her.
geegirl Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 She won't listen to you because 1) She doesn't give two hoots about your well being. Her well being is much more important so if she has to bulldoze herself through you, she will. 2) Why would she ever take your NC efforts seriously if everytime she calls you keep picking up the phone. You're teaching her that your NC means nothing and that you'll always be there. If you can't take your decisions seriously, why would you expect her to do it. You cry wolf. Just like Graceful, I once was involved with a guy and after we broke up, he was still very emotionally focused on me. We kept contact but he realized it was hurting him. He told me that he can't have contact because if he ever found out I was with someone else, it would devastate him. He said when he was ready to be friends, he would reach out to me but for now to please keep NC. I left him alone. Why? I cared for him and wanted the best for him. I missed his friendship and the unconditional support and love he had for me but my choice to end it entailed repercussions, which meant losing all that. I respected his decision and I never contacted him. I did that because I didn't want to hurt him anymore. Realize that your ex is a selfish individual. She's not doing this because she has your best interest at heart. She has her own best interest at heart. Like I said, you're just an option. Nothing more but an option. You're not on NC, you should quit saying that and have full blown contact. After awhile it gets pretty old and it's probably going in one ear out the other. Until you decide you are 110% ready, nothing will change.
malibustacydoll Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 I agree with a lot of the other posters on here. I think I can bring a different perspective because I have been with my boyfriend for about 5 years and am considering being at a break up point. If I did break up with him.. I can imagine being very depressed and wanting to contact him for comfort.. maybe keep him on the hook. Since I don't know your situation too well I can only make assumptions. I don't know why you two broke up. However, maybe she wanted to experience the world a bit after being together too long. It almost sounds like she wanted to date a coworker.. maybe date around a bit. However, after leaving you I am sure she is looking back on your relationship and remembering the good times. She sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to go out have a good time, date around, and keep you on the back burner. I would imagine that she will come back to you at some point and try to start things back up. If I were you, I would send her a message or talk to her about how what she is doing is wrong. She hurt you and needs to back off. You should change your number, ignore her, let her realize what she is missing and the mistake she made. Take yourself out.. meet some new girls. :-)
Author superchiefs Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 Geegirl, so you think I should go ahead and start contacting her and asking her out? I know if I did that, she would go with me in a heartbeat because she never tells me no. All she has said is that she doesnt want to marry me or date me. However, she said she is interested in still going to movies, eating meals and doing other activities together as friends. According to her, the new guy in her life is also just a friend right now. During the first couple of weeks after the breakup, I took her up on the meals, however, I found that after I took her home, I hurt really bad because she didnt treat me nicely, everything was about her. That is when I started the NC thing, only to relapse a few times when she reached out to me about her being depressed.
geegirl Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Geegirl, so you think I should go ahead and start contacting her and asking her out? I know if I did that, she would go with me in a heartbeat because she never tells me no. All she has said is that she doesnt want to marry me or date me. However, she said she is interested in still going to movies, eating meals and doing other activities together as friends. According to her, the new guy in her life is also just a friend right now. During the first couple of weeks after the breakup, I took her up on the meals, however, I found that after I took her home, I hurt really bad because she didnt treat me nicely, everything was about her. That is when I started the NC thing, only to relapse a few times when she reached out to me about her being depressed. NOOOOO! That was sarcasm! NOOOO! I was pointing out contradiction between you saying you are on NC but in contact with her. NC means nothing. Contact means contact. There is no in between.
Author superchiefs Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 Oh, thank you for explaining it was sarcasm. Sometimes that is hard to pick up on through the internet. I havent had any contact with her since Sunday night, so I am going on 36 hours of NC right now. However, I am debating on whether to send her one final email, telling her that she really needs to find someone else to talk to when she is feeling depressed, such as her new boyfriend at work.
Chi townD Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Dude, here's a couple of slaps in the head. YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO HEAL FROM THE PAIN SHE'S CAUSED IF YOU KEEP RUNNING TO HER AT THE DROP OF A PIN!!! Look, I know you're hurting, but here's the rub. She dumped you. You wanted to spend the rest of your life with her, but she didn't want to. She chose to have you out of her life and that's EXACTLY what you need to give her. She needs to see what life is going to be like without you in it. She's never gonna know what that's like if she knows that if she dials your number, you're going to pick up. I mean, come on dude! She left you and jumped into the arms of someone else!!! That's her choice, and if it was a mistake; then that's a mistake she has to live with, not you! Right now, she gets the best of both worlds. She gets her physical needs met with this other guy and she gets her emotional needs met by you. How is that fair to you? When you two were together, she got 100% of you. Now, that she dumped you she should get 0% of you. Therefore, you need to de-friend her off your Facebook and you need to stop following her on twitter. You also need to establish a new e-mail account and deactivate the old one. Then, change your phone number. She wanted to go, then let her go. Time for you to start healing, dude.
sunshine103 Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 "I am debating on whether to send her one final email, telling her that she really needs to find someone else to talk to when she is feeling depressed, such as her new boyfriend at work." I will join Chi Town and the others, for slaps in the head! JUST DO NOT CONTACT HER AT ALL! By you not responding to her every command, she will get the message. Have some dignity and stop being a door mat!
lalalandman Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Super, what did I tell you man. She is selfish as hell. Plus, she is deceptive, and lies. Don't go by what she is telling you dude. At all. She's being manipulative! Remember, I told you my ex gave me the sob story about being depressed to bring me in emotionally. Your ex is doing the same. Don't give into it. She's being shady. Dude, set your boundaries. As my friends and I say, "Get back to the basics". Rebuild your morals. Decide what is good for you. She's leading you on, and she's going to step on you in the end. Show her that you're strong and move on. If she calls, texts, ignore her.
Fufu Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 Don't have to debate. Therefore, don't have to send her any email, or text to tell her to talk to someone else. She left you.. she is gone.
Trimmer Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 I would feel completely responsible if she were to harm herself. No. This would be unfortunate, maybe even tragic, but it would be COMPLETELY her responsibility. You CANNOT (and yes, I'm yelling now...) be responsible for her. You must respect her wishes and let her be responsible for herself. One of Graceful's dope-slaps, from me. She keeps telling me that there isnt anyone else she can tell about her depression except me... Uh, isn't she kind of, sorta, 'cheating' on him? ? ? I know she's dissembling about whether she's "with him" or whether they are "just friends", but if he's the guy in her life - if they are "dating" - then isn't it kinda weird for her to be hiding such a thing from him and running to another guy (now you) with it? You don't get a dope-slap this time - that one's on her. Geegirl, so you think I should go ahead and start contacting her and asking her out? I know that you now know this was sarcastic, but still... Dope-slap for even thinking it, man... Why? Let's find answers in your own posts: All she has said is that she doesnt want to marry me or date me. Oh, that's all. And how are you getting over those? According to her, the new guy in her life is also just a friend right now. Great, so he's "also" like you then, yes? Except on your way down, you can wave to him on his way up, yes? During the first couple of weeks after the breakup, I took her up on the meals, however, I found that after I took her home, I hurt really bad because she didnt treat me nicely, everything was about her. Yeah, do you suppose? Remember this feeling if you ever have more impulses to contact her. As they say, there's more where that came from... BOUNDARIES. They aren't boundaries unless you enforce them. Draw a line, but don't just sit and wait for her to "not cross" the boundary. The way it works is that you don't accept any crossing of the boundary. That's enforcing. As someone else pointed out, don't look at it as "she's contacting me." You need to think in terms of "I'm letting her contact me." Take control. Move forward. (Sorry about the extra dope-slaps - I hope you took them in the helpful spirit in which they were intended...)
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