Superfish Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 My ex and I work together this summer. He broke up with me 2 months ago after a 2 year relationship, saying it wasn't as good as it used to and that he didn't love me any more. I let him know that I wanted to work on our issues, but that I respected his decision. I didn't beg or plead with him, and I told him at some point that I'd let him go now. I haven't really let go of him, I've just let go of the old relationship. I still want a new start with him. I'm still in love with him and I try to see him as a totally new guy that I want to fall in love with me, not as an ex I want back. I want him in my life and I know that all I can do is give him time and space. So I haven't pushed him at all. And I think it is finally paying off a little. We can be around each other without feeling weird now. At work, we joke around and have fun just like we used to. However, I never initiate any contact, I always let him come to me. And he does. He comes by my office just to have a chat a few times a day. We laugh and have fun at those times. The thing is, I don't want to become his friend. I fear that since he obviously feels no pushing from me now, he thinks I really am over him and that we can be real friends (I know he likes my company). But then again, maybe if he feels so comfortable around me, he will let himself fall in love with me again? Maybe he just needed some time and space and leave all the negativity at the end of our relationship behind. Maybe when he sees me all happy and cool again, maybe he'll be interested in getting back together? I don't know. It seems like we still have something so I keep hoping. I also know that he is very physically attracted to me. So if make sure I look hot every day and also maintain my happy, light-hearted and fun behaviour, that would sure increase my chances of having him back? I don't really know what I'm asking here... Just want someone else's perspective on this I guess.
oldguy Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Why do WE do what your doing now to ourselves. Someone rejects us, ends a relationship & we want them all the more. I think when someone walks away; IT'S OVER! I'm sure too if you "look hot" you will get him back, in bed. Come on, have a little pride, move on. If he grew tired of you & left you once there's a good chance he'll do it again, the next time maybe after 10 years & 2 kids.
radiodarcy Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 i agree with oldguy. i know my ex is physically attracted to me and i could easily have him back if i saw him and make it a point to "look hot". however, getting him back would mean getting him back in bed - - for that moment and then he would be back to chasing other hot girls. it's not worth it he dumped you. leave it be. physical attraction is only one part of a relationship and when push comes to shove, it's doesn't play nearly as big a part as we think it does.
Author Superfish Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 I see your points. But I am not interested in getting him back in bed, that is not my motivation for dressing hot. I will never go to bed to bed with him without having a relationship established first. I'm just trying to show him my good sides, make him forget about the old me. Oldguy: I believe that sometimes it is worth to stay and fight for what you want (even though obviously I know that it is my ex that holds the "key" here). I don't think that wanting him back lowers my pride as long as I don't lose myself in the process. By being able to show him I've moved on and that I do fine without him and that I can even casually hang around him and have fun, why would that lower my pride? I think it's quite the opposite. I don't think that a break up necessarily means that the couple isn't "meant to be" or could be great again in a new relationship. I think sometimes people just get on the wrong track. In our case we never discussed his problems, so they blew up in our faces. We now know not to make that mistake again at least. I know many people who have broken up for similar reasons (not being sure that the relationship is right) and gotten back together later on. My brother is happily married to a woman who needed a year away to realise it was right after all. Why should that relationship be less worth than any other, just because they were broken up at some point? I don't share that view of things... Maybe I got a little off topic here, but these are my thoughts. Does anyone else agree with me?
Finch Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 People break up for a reason - the relationship isn't working for one or both of them. You say that: By being able to show him I've moved on and that I do fine without him and that I can even casually hang around him and have fun, why would that lower my pride? I think it's quite the opposite. But you have not moved on. You are focusing your time and energy on trying to make him "forget about the old you". And yet you don't say anything about actually trying to be a new you. It just seems like you're hiding your feelings and dressing up in the hope that he'll forget about "the negativity" in your relationship. I have to agree with oldguy: you might get him back in bed. You might even fool yourself into thinking that if you sleep with him you can show him a wildly good time and transfix him with your charms. But he told you he doesn't love you anymore - why even bother trying to make someone fall in love with you? That's not working out your issues, that's just attempting to manipulate the situation. Not a healthy thing to try to do. Move on.
leoc1973 Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Have you dated at all? Is he now coming around cause there is a new guy? Maybe he is afraid of losing you for good. Is he dating? Most guys don't want girls as friends. Usually a guy finds his guy friends a lot more interesting than girls. I am a man and men are children we like to play watch sports and drink with the guys. If he is trying to hang out with you then he either wants sex or maybe really does miss the relationship. Just do not let him turn you into a booty call or a **** buddy you probably deserve more than wasting months or years of your life till he finds someone he enjoys spending time with more than you. Good luck!
Author Superfish Posted June 24, 2011 Author Posted June 24, 2011 Finch: Thanks for your input. I actually am trying to change. I've been working on my faults that contributed to the break up. People break up for a reason - the relationship isn't working for one or both of them.I agree! That is exactly what he said, it didn't work out for him. The reasons for it not working were pretty much based on the dynamics between us. The thing is, I agree with that. I want to change that dynamic too, it would be better for me as well. And it's doable. That is what I am trying to show him. That we can have that dynamic that he wants, that it doesn't have to be as it was before. I don't even want it to be as before. We should have solved this issue before breaking up of course, but he caught me to it. The dynamic got messed up because he didn't behave as himself right from the start. He has always been very cuddly and cosy and super nice to me, while the real him is more abrupt and "selfish" in lack of a better word. He was afraid I wouldn't like him if he was his true self. That isn't true, but I realise I've contributed to him feeling that way. Leoc1973: We haven't dated. I'm trying to give him space. I feel he needs it after us being together very closely the last year and he is a person that needs A LOT of alone time. I'm not dating anyone else, nor is he. He said he isn't even interested in girls right now, he just wants to be alone. We're just talking at work. We both work at this office with our own... offices. (english isn't my first language). And he comes by my office a few times a day to chat. Today he came in and taught me how to do a certain thing that I'm working on, without me asking for it. He's very smart and I feel like he wanted to impress me... As I said before, he felt I didn't know the real him. I notice in his behaviour now that he is making a point of showing me the real him. It is almost as though he is testing me to see how I react. I honestly like him better the way he is now. And I respond positively to it. I mean, why would he make an effort to show me the real him if he wasn't remotely interested in seeing if it could work out between us? He doesn't HAVE to come by my office every day... After the break up we had a chat where I told him that I thought it could work out between us in the future if we started off fresh and changed the dynamic between us. It seemed then as though he got some hope about it, even though he still meant what he had said (that he didn't have those feelings for me now and he couldn't tell if they would come back so I shouldn't get my hopes up). Sigh. It's hard to move on even though I know that is the healthiest thing to do. I just know it could work out between us. I hope he realises that too and that he wants to give us another shot at some point... I guess all I can do is treat him positively and show no hard feelings. Make him feel good around me. Any other suggestions?
pd8mxq Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 My viewing is that many relationship needs a breakup for both parties to realise their needs. And the breakup allow both parties to learn. When two of you were in a relationship, there are a lot of things (bad behaviour) you could not see either because you got complacent, take things for granted or no enough commnunication. These are common mistakes and one party felt fedup in the end because he was very unhappy. But can these be changed? Its a tough one but I think it can be changed. If you love someone so much, you'd change for him. But the problem is, will the change make you happy? YOu try to change to a new person, well, if it will make you happy too, then why not. Change better for yourself first, this should be the focus and then yr ex will see it. I am sure. I do not know where you two lies but you need time between you two. The sooner u two come back, the sooner those old problems will come back and thus ended up breaking up again. So the longer it is, both of you would have learned and will realise by then, do u actually love him that much and vice versa. If u two are meant to be, u two will be together down the line. But dont wait for him though, u cant wait forever. If someone else is in the picture, then u should not care about how yr ex thinks because he left. Good luck.
Author Superfish Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 Thank you, this gives me hope! My viewing is that many relationship needs a breakup for both parties to realise their needs. And the breakup allow both parties to learn. When two of you were in a relationship, there are a lot of things (bad behaviour) you could not see either because you got complacent, take things for granted or no enough commnunication. These are common mistakes and one party felt fedup in the end because he was very unhappy. I think you are absolutely spot on. But can these be changed? Its a tough one but I think it can be changed. If you love someone so much, you'd change for him. But the problem is, will the change make you happy? YOu try to change to a new person, well, if it will make you happy too, then why not. Change better for yourself first, this should be the focus and then yr ex will see it. I am sure.But how do I show him that I've changed when we would sort of need to be in a relationship for him to notice? I feel like I've changed already and I'm dying to show him, but how do I get the opportunity? The change is about how dependent and clingy I was and also about not being so bossy... No one behaves like that when people are just friends or co-workers, so how do I show him that I'm not like that any more and that a new relationship with me would be different because of it? If u two are meant to be, u two will be together down the line. If he doesn't make a move to start things up again, should I do it? I really want him to make the move since it was him that broke it off in the first place. But if he doesn't, do I ask him out on a date? And do I talk about reconciling as in telling him I want to try again and that I think it could really work now and so on, or do I just go on a date and see whatever happens?
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