FeelingSmall Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 I just had the most humiliating night of my life so far. I feel so awful now. My boyfriend came over yesterday and spent the night. We haven't had sex in over a week and I have a higher libido than he, not insanely so, but higher for sure. In the last week and a half I have been shot down 4 times. Last night I was feeling particularly "Randy" and tried yet again to get him going. He was tired, then he said something about how his sex drive just wasn't very high. That's fine,I said ok and we watched a movie. Halfway through the movie he starts playing around and touching me. Getting me going. I was pretty pumped and felt a little better but then the movie ended and he was just going to roll over and go to bed... He had me going insane up until this point. I was so shocked and upset... Ok so I may have said "Please touch me" Only the please had a whole bunch of "E's" and may have been a bit whiny. He did, but with such disinterest that I couldn't get anywhere anyway. Not to mention at one point when I was making the thank you noises he laughed at me, which was the end of anything right there. I faked it and just let him go to bed I have NEVER made him beg for sex. There have been a couple of times he wanted it and I wasn't feeling it, in those cases I either tried to get there or if I couldn't physically I still took care of him,and definitely have never been bored doing it. I have never felt this crappy though... Can anyone else relate? Care to share?
oldguy Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 As a guy I can certainly relate to your frustration Seriously, it sounds like there is a lot more going on than your saying or maybe than you know.
Author FeelingSmall Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 Well other than this everything else is going ok with us. Nothing in our relationship has changed... He never really did have much of a sex drive, but it's steadily getting worse... I feel something is going on but he says everything is great... I don't think that's the case though
oldguy Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 (edited) You say; "Nothing in our relationship has changed... He never really did have much of a sex drive", it sounds like it's high time something changes! You've heard the old adage; the definition of insanity is repeating the same actions over & over & expecting different results? Well, usually doing nothing & expecting thing to change falls into that category. Edited June 21, 2011 by oldguy
Author FeelingSmall Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 Of course you're right... I don't know how to broach the subject though. Nothing is less of a turn on than being told you're not cutting it in bed. Or rather enough... He's good WHEN he does want to, it's just so rare now that he does want to. How can I say that without making him feel less like a man, cause let's face it, he's going to take it as a shot to his manhood. ESPECIALLY if I don't do it properly.
in_absentia Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 How about... 'I notice that there's quite a difference in our sex drives lately, which is a shame because when we do it it's so damn good. Is something going on for you right now that is taking your mind off sex?' Maybe he's going through some rough **** or on medication, but I guess you'd know about either of that. As a woman, if my guy acted like that I'd start to feel like he was losing interest overall, it's unusual for a man to so completely not want to bone his horny, willing partner :\
Author FeelingSmall Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 How about... 'I notice that there's quite a difference in our sex drives lately, which is a shame because when we do it it's so damn good. Is something going on for you right now that is taking your mind off sex?' Maybe he's going through some rough **** or on medication, but I guess you'd know about either of that. As a woman, if my guy acted like that I'd start to feel like he was losing interest overall, it's unusual for a man to so completely not want to bone his horny, willing partner :\ Thank you, yes it's making me pretty much insane. He's not on medication, and hasn't been going through anything rough lately (that he's opened up about, anyway.) So my thoughts are that he's losing interest. He says otherwise, but ugh.. Hard not to come to that conclusion. I'll give that a go. Sounds better than what I had cooked up in my head. Thanks again!
in_absentia Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 You're welcome! It's so easy to sit here and spout therapy-perfect phrases isn't it, the reality can be so much different. Sex drives do wane and stuff though. When I first moved in with my bf I was pawing him for sex every day, but his lack of job has serious reduced his sex drive and I think, self worth. So you know, I got used to that. And when he might be interested, I can't usually do it because I'm ill (chronic pelvic pain syndrome) and physically can't because of pain, or I'm too tired (sounds like an excuse but it's true, I get up at 6am six days a week and don't get home until gone 8pm each weekday). We're the kinkiest, most sex-driven couple when we have the time and health and drive but atm we do it maybe once a week and that's just how it goes... Does 'taking care of yourself' not do the job just as well as him, if you really get desperate and he isn't game?
Author FeelingSmall Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 You're welcome! It's so easy to sit here and spout therapy-perfect phrases isn't it, the reality can be so much different. Sex drives do wane and stuff though. When I first moved in with my bf I was pawing him for sex every day, but his lack of job has serious reduced his sex drive and I think, self worth. So you know, I got used to that. And when he might be interested, I can't usually do it because I'm ill (chronic pelvic pain syndrome) and physically can't because of pain, or I'm too tired (sounds like an excuse but it's true, I get up at 6am six days a week and don't get home until gone 8pm each weekday). We're the kinkiest, most sex-driven couple when we have the time and health and drive but atm we do it maybe once a week and that's just how it goes... Does 'taking care of yourself' not do the job just as well as him, if you really get desperate and he isn't game? Wow, I couldn't imagine dealing with cpps. I'm sorry, that must really be rough on you. Not to mention those long days??? You must be beat almost all the time. I think if I had to put in hours like that at work, I'd be useless. I'm surprised you have energy to type! Kudos to you. It's nice that you guys are a good pair in the bedroom. Life gets in the way but at least when it doesn't, you guys work well on that level! Yeah taking care of myself does the job, I mean really it's easier, quicker, less physically draining so on and so forth, I just prefer of course to play together. Not to mention being shot down this many times is making me think something is wrong with me, or him, or us... I dunno, I'm just getting a little concerned. I tried out your suggestion last night. Didn't get me anywhere though. He said he was just more of a "snuggly" guy and started to cuddle with me. Don't get me wrong, that's definitely nice, but my hormones are raging. Haha guess I'm going to have to just play alone and be happy when he wants to. I love him, and that's in the scheme of things all that really matters.
truthbeknown Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 if you want to find out why guys are checking out from women go to http://www.reuniting.org and you'll see tons of cases where guys are getting addicted to porn because it affects their dopamine levels and then they have a hard time looking at their women that same way. I'm not saying this to get him in trouble with you but if you understand the dynamics of why men get addicted and what's going on then you might be able to talk to him about it. Of course alot of guys won't admit it if they think they will get punished by their lover for confessing. So if you are open, compassionate and willing to talk to him about this after reading the forum you might have a chance of restoring balance in your sexual relationship with him. I had a r/s with a woman who only wanted me for sex and then would blow me off to go out with the girls instead of going out with me. After awhile it became a drag. Also, she distanced me after sex emotionally and i wondered if i did anything wrong. My libido was proportionate to the emotional highs and lows. I found out about this forum through a book that i read about how sex causes couples to fight more. after learning stuff after the breakup i wish everyday i had known about this earlier and maybe (50/50) we would have had a chance to make it. When the woman is in the driver seat in these issues usually the men will follow more willing from what i have seen on the forum. So be brave, learn and see what happens. :-)_
Feelin Frisky Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 That's very sad and way wrong. You have to get rid of this guy. I have never, ever turned down sex with a SO, ever. I once "begged" but it wasn't exactly the same. It was humiliating though. We had gotten back after a couple of months split and I thought we were all the way back. I was so hot and just really had to have it then. I called her up and she said she was going out with her friend "Irene" tonight. I said that's fine, can't we just see each other now for a while--this being a Saturday morning. She kept refusing and she never did that before--she was hot all the time, always. She just wouldn't hear of us having some afternoon delight. I went nuts. I felt that at minimum she was going clubbing with this other girl and would maybe only come by if she didn't meet someone else. She knocked on my door at 2am on Sunday morning. I took it that that's what happened although I never heard of "Irene" before or in the few weeks we kept it together after. The mood had changed and had been killed because I suffered all day and had gone to sleep. I vowed that night that I would never and could never be number two in my number one relationship. That is just the worst. I made it with her anyway that night (like I said, she was always hot), but I knew this was the beginning of the end. Face your end and move on.
spiderowl Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 Why are you with this guy? He just has too low a sex drive for you and it's going to be endlessly frustrating with him. He is also selfish and cannot empathise with how you feel. He should not have turned you on and then turned over and left you like that. He would not have lasted beyond that night with me, that's for sure. Dump him! You may have a lonely time for a while but at least there will be the possibility of meeting someone with a similar sex drive. If you stay with him, you are facing constant frustration and humiliation.
Author FeelingSmall Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 Thanks everyone, I appreciate it. I haven't been on in a few days, the boyfriend was over all weekend and once again, no sex. I finally got an answer though, and let's just say that I don't think I knew what humiliation meant before... So I guess the problem is that I'm too childlike? Never in a million years would I have expected that. I think I would have preferred him to tell me he was cheating on me than to hear that I'm asexual. "These are the things about you I love the most, but it's hard to be aroused by you." "You're my best friend, and I love you more than anything in the world, I don't want to break up... I don't care, I'm not really sexually driven..." "You're so innocent and sweet, I couldn't ask for more!" Well, thank you very much, please excuse me while I fetch my heart from the garburator. Where's the damn door?
Feelin Frisky Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 ... Where's the damn door? When you find it, lock it on him and throw away the key. Otherwise you are just his dog.
Author FeelingSmall Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 When you find it, lock it on him and throw away the key. Otherwise you are just his dog. No kidding, I'm making my way there...
Forever Learning Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 I have first hand experience in your pain with your boyfriend not wanting to have sex with you. I am divorcing a man I have been with for 15 years who has a very low sex drive. It will drive you insane. He will tell you all kinds of bullsh** to make it be your fault somehow. The reasons will probably change over the years, and they won't always make sense. Your self esteem will take a beating from hell. Your mental stability will suffer. Depression will rob you of all the joy available in life. I could go on, and on, and on, and on, and on. I have 15 years experience with staying with someone I should have never been with in the first place. Please leave him. All the best to you.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 "These are the things about you I love the most, but it's hard to be aroused by you." "You're my best friend, and I love you more than anything in the world, I don't want to break up... I don't care, I'm not really sexually driven..." "You're so innocent and sweet, I couldn't ask for more!" Maybe he's gay?
Author FeelingSmall Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 I could go on, and on, and on, and on, and on. I have 15 years experience with staying with someone I should have never been with in the first place. Please leave him. All the best to you. I have no plans to keep going with this. I'm sorry you've had to deal with that for 15 years... I would not be strong enough to do that. I know now that as far as he's concerned I'm as sexy as a fruit fly... I'm done, can only go downhill from there. Ruby Slippers - Ha, well funny thing is that a friend of mine said that months ago.She thought he was different and somehow came to the conclusion that he's gay. I don't think it's the case, but I guess not impossible. It may just be a case of different strokes for different folks. However if he were gay that would (selfishly) make me feel a lil better.
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