justsumguy71 Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 This is actually a mish mash of things that I had difficulty deciding where to put this post. But please bear with me through all of this convolution. I am in pain and need to sort things out. Writing it down seems to calm me and get a lot of things out of my chest. She and I met at work and became very good friends. I can flat out say that we were the best of friends. I guess it was because of the fact that we had so many similarities, most notably the fact that both our marriages were in trouble. I was separated from wife and small daughter living in different states, while she was with her husband but apparently her marriage was on the rocks. Apparently the husband rarely came home, but she stayed with her marriage because of her daughter. I was on the process of divorce already. Suffice it to state that we became friends with benefits. I never considered her my lover as I thought that was demeaning. Maybe that was the problem then and there. But again, please bear with me. We had this arrangement for over two years. We never lived together (especially since she was still very much married to her husband, though I was separated from bed and board a long time ago from my wife) but we would get together very often. Later, it was confirmed that my small beautiful daughter was autistic; it devastated me but gave me all the motivation to try to work things out with my marriage. I want to be there for my daughter in a concrete family setting. I slowly started to work out issues of my marriage and get back to living in the same house with my wife. I did not tell my best friend about it. I know it is horrible, but please hear me out. My best friend and I were never really lovers. There was no such commitment, or at least it was never spoken, although I did tell her that had we met earlier, things could have been different. That kind of talk was inevitable in this kind of arrangement, no matter how much you try to avoid it. At least that is how I looked at it. Besides, there were inherent dangers, for all I knew she may have just wanted a shoulder to cry on and was just using me as a rebound guy. I think neither of us wanted to be the one that “cried” about the other in the end. But I guess she became attached, and to be honest I was also very much attached to her already. She divorced her husband and then she had to resign from her job to pursue a career in another company. But I guess she missed me quite a bit as she became more demanding after she left the company. She actually expected me to drop things if she wants me to do something with her. 3 months ago, the inevitable happened, I had a choice between going with her to meet her folks or to attend a school activity with my wife and daughter. I ofcourse chose the latter. I was already on the way to patch things up with my wife (NO I was not sleeping with the wife at all at this stage). But I did not tell her, my friend, yet my plans to work on my marriage, as I did not want to hurt her. Please do not pass judgement yet. I am not a swine at all. I knew that in our own very twisted arrangement, I do love her already. And that is why the “benefits” part of the “friend with benefits” arrangement had to stop. I in fact wanted to give her the chance to find a man who will be with her everyday and would be a good father to her daughter. In another life time, I would have gladly taken this role, but I have my own daughter, my own flesh and blood, I am sorry, but really… she comes first. It may mean I had to attend her (my best friend’s) wedding, it does not mean I will not feel some slight discomfort, even jealousy when I see the bride and groom kiss, but in this lifetime and at the stage of my life, I just want to keep the people dear to me close. I figured that truly in life, I would NOT in fact lose her. The “benefits” part would be gone, YES but I was counting on the fact that we had so much history as friends, the best of friends, that I considered the possibility of losing her AS A FRIEND was remote. My best friend was actually very perceptive. I think she sensed what I wanted to do. She started saying that we should live together, and that she could take care of my daughter. Again, in another lifetime, I would have gladly done it, but my daughter is autistic, and I know her (my friend), she will never really love my daughter the way that my wife would. I know her that well. I was terrified with the idea that my daughter would be some kind of Cinderella with an awful stepmother and step sister, only in this case, there would be no prince charming or happy ending. That possibility was very real. I said NO. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned is a very apt statement. She was angry and “broke everything off”. I let her be for sometime, I know I lost something but I had hope that we could still be friends. When I contacted her again after 2 months, she stated that she had gone in a new direction in life. And that she would rather not see me again. She asked me to respect the decision. Behind the angry words, I could sense the disappointment and the hurt. It was all or nothing for her. And she had decided to move on and has not contacted me anymore. I of course respect that decision, and will not pressure her to do otherwise nor bother her again. I can only respect her space. Probably I am stupid, but I did not see that coming. And here is where the loss really is. I will not change my decisions. I have no choice in the matter. But I do feel the loss of this very very good friend. I was counting on the possibility that even through old age, we could still call or talk to one another. To have that taken out so completely and suddenly was very unsettling and I am in shock. I have not yet moved in with my wife but will push through with it soon. If she, my friend asks me today if I ever loved her, I would tell her in person NO if only to allow her to move on. But in my heart and mind, it’s a very loud YES. I just do not have any choice. I realized during this time how much she meant to me, and all the memories of our times together come rushing back. Had I known things would have ended so abruptly, while I would not change the decision, BUT then I would have treated her so much more kindly and tenderly because it was on borrowed time. My heart and my mind are not in agreement… and I am paying for my folly everyday. Mornings are the most difficult. It seems I just cannot live with myself. Sometimes staying just as friends may in fact be better, because lovers come and go, but friends stay with you forever. I know that NC is the only way, but NC not for my sake but her sake. As for me, I just wish that the stars would be aligned in another life. She is out of my sight and out of my life and I feel I have lost an arm or a leg and when I wake up at 4 am in the morning, both… I wish her a happy life. I did LOVE her… Sorry everyone if you had to go through and read all of that. I could not tell my friend anything anymore, and telling her I love her is actually not good for her. But I needed to say it still if only to get it out of my chest.
LjHappyDays Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 This is good that you respect her enough to let her move on. Im sure she may be feeling the same as now she is divorced etc she maybe feels that all the time she wasnt available and you were vice versa. It happens like that though, and now you cant be with her when you have the chance. Its the same case for everyone i think becos when you have something right in front of you, you dont realise how much you want it becos you are so used to it always being there. And when its gone the shock and the change makes you miss it. I dont really no what to suggest, youre doing the right thing for your family and autism is not easily dealt with. I say that with the utter most respect for you and your wife. I like to think : Theres no point in thinking what if? Whatever you want to do put it into action, and obviously you would like to. Mayeb re evealuate your life, are you happy with your wife or is it just for your daughter? Because you will still be brilliant parents to her together or apart. Do you want your ex lover back ? You say she was your best friend and this is a bond that is so unbeliveabley strong with what you have been through. it definately helps to write things on LS its helped me alot, just to tell my feelings without feeling stupid or embarrased.
Author justsumguy71 Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 Thanks LJ. It has really been difficult for me. I have been in relationships before, I have been dumped before. But I could always find that 1 bit of unfairness in the way I got dumped that allowed me to move on quickly with my life. I this case there is no moral high ground. She left me because she could not bear to see me anymore. She in fact wanted to move on to the next level and I could not. Regrets and having no choice. That is what I need to deal with today.
Geminigrl Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 To me your story is just sad. I have to say I don't totally agree with your decision to move back in with your wife for the sake of your daughter. If you were that close to divorcing your wife, chances are pretty good you will end up right back where you started AND a special needs child is only going to ADD to the stress of your relationship. I am a parent of a child with special needs so I am not just talking out of my a$$ here. The other thing I will say about special needs children is I think they are even MORE sensitive to our moods and emotions than typical children and if you think your daughter is not going to be aware of your unhappiness and distraction over basically being in love with someone else I think you are deluding yourself. My son acts out more when I am upset or distracted and I don't think you are really doing your daughter a huge favor here. Again, this is my opinion but for what it's worth I am in a similar (although slightly different) situation as yours and I am getting divorced. My exH and I are working very hard to keep a stable environment for our children and honestly my special needs child is doing BETTER now that the tension between us is gone and I am happier. I do not know your OW and you say would not be a good a mother to your daughter. Have you ever really discussed this with her? Given her a chance to prove she can be a good step-mother? Tried it out or at least tried to look at options that might work for everyone involved. I guess what I am thinking here is if you truly LOVE this woman, you owe it yourself and to her to give things a chance. Life is not all black and white, there are gray areas...there are things you can do to try to work it out, to try to create a stable environment for your daughter and still get what you want. Why not live close to your wife and daughter and still have a relationship with your OW? Again, maybe I am missing something here, but the one thing I know without question is if you are going to end up miserable living with your wife, your daughter is not going to have the stable environment you think she will have. And, if you love this OW you are not just going to forget about her and go on with your life as you think. Her memory is going to haunt you and probably ultimately destroy your chances at ever being truly happy in your own life. Just my opinion.
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