4 days to undo 14 years

[B_R_E_e]

I just found out the love of my life has been having an affair.

The truth of his lies have been coming out since 4 days ago. The first discovery was from an old friend, she told me my husband of 6 years, (14 years together) has been living and supporting a ninteen year old on her property (He is 30, he works away and stays in a camper trailer, going on 8 months, comes home weekends-not all wknds tho). I made the emotionally charged mistake of confronting via phone, of course denial. I really wanted to believe it but something inside said this doesn't feel right.

Second bit of discovery, a family member told me that my husband always messes around on me, 2 years previous to this affair with a 19 year old (she was told by a co worker of my husband) Third bit: My husband had taken this girl to stay at his parents house, under the pretext of 'she is only a friend' but they carried on as way more than friends( I am only finding this out now, 6 months after the visit) Fourth peice of evidence: After begging a good friend of his to just tell me if he was worth trusting, good friend said they were not giving up specifics but "no, he is not marriage material, get out". The last bit of nasty information comes thanks to good old face book, the poor stupid girl had pictures of her and my husband plastered all over facebook, with cute little quotes like "me and my babes, heart heart heart" and so on.

I have since confronted him with this all and he flat out denies everything, " I dont know why she has pictures of us on face book" "We had to get that close in the picture so that we could take it" "Whats wrong with her and me being half dressed on the floor of my trailer taking pictures" "We are only friends" blah blah blah. I seems that everything from his past is coming out now, from all over 12 years. When I look back, I keep going "of course", so many things make sense, so many, many things. In the light of all this, all those obvious things/ signs that I reasoned away over the years, are true. I was so trusting and giving and I just feel so stupid.

I never said that I couldn't move forward past an affair. He just wont give up the truth. He looked me dead square in the eyes with tears on his cheeks and promised me he has never had an affair, even with all the evidence that I have.

I feel like my life is a lie. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. And I think I could deal if he would be straight with me, I guess in a situation like this the truth is something one can ask for but rarely is given. I am scared of each new day, to find more painful truths about my life or even to not find out anymore and to wonder what I dont know about my own life.

The worst thing that is going on, is that I cant hate him, I even feel bad for him that his life is crumbling and I wonder how he is going to be ok. I wish I could hate him. He has left me with two young daughters, and he has devestated me, financially, emotionally, physically. I know that I am strong and the last 8 months with him working away has taught me to not need him for survival. But I still have a knot in my stomach for him. WTF? I know that I could never let him into my heart again, there would just be nothing to build on, our whole relationship has been a lie, but has anyone else ever hoped (at this point) that the person who has just hurt u in the worst way possible, could possibly be a friend in the future. I loved him so much, I believed in him and I gave him every bit of myself. The relationship wasn't always easy (alcholism, emotional abuse, anger, depression- on his part) but the relationship has spanned half of my life and I am feeling lost. I feel like I want back on the rollercoaster because I know it so well even if it was always big ups and even bigger downs.

I never thought I would be here,we are high school sweethearts, we had great sex, we had a great connection and a passion for eachother, I took care of myself to always look good, I installed a pole in my room and danced for him, I gave him every sexual pleasure he asked for, I gave him the space to be him and was a happy easy person to be around, I thought we were friends, I was proud of him and told him he was great and sexy. I guess it is just his personality, can cheating be part of a defect in your dna?? Was I to giving, did I make cheating too east? I don't know how/why he has done this and done this for so long.

Sigh

[Woman In Blue]

The guy's a predator. He targets TEENAGE girls because they're too stupid and weak to know any better and can be manipulated by an older dirtbag like him.

 

It seems like all you've ever KNOWN is dysfunction with this guy. An abusive, cheating alcoholic is basically what he is, and it's all you've ever known. I think you should stop thinking about yourself and how you want back on this hideous rollercoaster ride to hell with him and start considering how having a mess like him around the house affects your DAUGHTERS.

 

Is that what you want for them? To be growing up around an abusive, lying, cheating, drunken predator?

 

Think about THEM now, not yourself.

[oldguy]

The guy's a predator. He targets TEENAGE girls because they're too stupid and weak to know any better and can be manipulated by an older dirtbag like him.

 

It seems like all you've ever KNOWN is dysfunction with this guy. An abusive, cheating alcoholic is basically what he is, and it's all you've ever known. I think you should stop thinking about yourself and how you want back on this hideous rollercoaster ride to hell with him and start considering how having a mess like him around the house affects your DAUGHTERS.

 

Is that what you want for them? To be growing up around an abusive, lying, cheating, drunken predator?

 

Think about THEM now, not yourself.

 

First of all I'm very sorry for what your going through. Second; I'm in complete agreement with "women in blue" especially about your daughters & about getting off this roller coaster to hell, not just for you but as an example to your daughters. kids learn what they live & if they see by example it is ok to live like this they will except that. None of this is your fault, my wife was previously married for 20+ years to another man who cheated on her repeatedly, with much younger girls. Each time he was discovered she said he would deny & finally break down in tears and swear he was sorry & would never do it again,and each time she believed him and work on repairing their marriage until the last time when he moved out & had a child with the OW & even then she took him back one last time until she found out he was still living with the OW. I'd like to say I don't understand this behavior but I knew my ex, who I was married to for 20+ years also, had at least one affair prior to leaving me for a man she had been having an affair with for at least several months that I knew of and when she did leave I felt a strange sense of relief that it was over. It still hurt, and as the details of the affairs unraveled I learned quickly who had my back, who had hers & who just sat on the fence. In many ways that hurt even more, but I least I came away knowing who my friends really are. Unfortunately so many people go through what you are going through, every minute of every day and night. Rather than think of it as an end think of it as a beginning of a new, fresh life. Don't stop being the wonderful person you where to him, just be that person one day who will return that to you

Edited June 21, 2011 by oldguy

[What_Next]

First off I am very sorry that you are going through this. No one deserves this. I'll state the obvious, get rid of this POS, get rid of him NOW. He is a peice of garbage, and a predatory.

 

Get out whatever way you can, friends, shelter, whatever you need to. Don't be proud, ask for help and put this behind you.

[B_R_E_e]

Thanks for your replies, even if they were hard to hear.

 

To answer your question turnstone, I have told him that he doesn't live here and that I need some time and space to heal. He will only admit that he has hurt me with his harsh words, not the cheating. He had calmly agreed to do whatever it takes for me to be ok, but that "my mistrust hurts him". But, today he called and told me that if he doesnt live here he has no where to go. I told him that isn't my problem and that he is a big boy. I know he is playing on my weakness of always needing to fix his problems, and I am trying to stay strong. My whole body hurts and I have lost 20 lbs, I cant eat and I am only moving forward because I need to raise my daughters, if it werent for them, I am not sure what I would do.

 

The evidence I had posted in my original thread is very obvious of broken marriage vows, right? He is messing with my mind.

 

I am currently doing more 'digging' and uncovering more of his past, hoping that this will keep me from ever getting back on that roller coaster.

 

How do people with hearts and souls do this to other people?

[OldOnTheInside]

my mistrust hurts him

Blameshifting...

 

Any pain that he feels is a consequence of his own actions.

 

He is messing with my mind.

Whether he is doing this on a conscious or subconscious level, yes, he is trying to guilt trip you. Just remember that no matter how good or bad your relationship was, he made the decision to enter an affair(s) entirely on his own. You didn't control him into doing this.

 

How do people with hearts and souls do this to other people?

Easily, it would seem.

[B_R_E_e]

Thank you to everyone who replied to my thread. This website is such a huge helper for those of us who are dealing with the gut wrenching pain of infidelity. I had the worst day yesterday, after dropping my kids off at school, I only had the strength to come home and dive into my bed and hide until they had to be picked up. Even when they were home I was only a shell. I don't know what happened over night but I woke up and had the realization that nobody is going to change this for me, but me. This situation isn't right or fair or nice or easy but it is my reality. I decided to hold

Myself to a higher standard, so the love of my life is living a life where it's ok the damage good people and his girlfriend is living a life where she can help destroy families, then that is there problem and I am not going to be a part of there sick and twisted game. I have removed myself and will protect myself at all costs. I am still in the most incredible pain just knowing that I have been betrayed by someone whom I thought loved me but I have a very clear picture of survival and the things I can achieve once the poison is out of my life, that doesn't mean tomorrow may be easy but I can at least face it and that was more than I have been able to do for a long time. It feels good to breath.

[Headspin]

Thank you to everyone who replied to my thread. This website is such a huge helper for those of us who are dealing with the gut wrenching pain of infidelity. I had the worst day yesterday, after dropping my kids off at school, I only had the strength to come home and dive into my bed and hide until they had to be picked up. Even when they were home I was only a shell. I don't know what happened over night but I woke up and had the realization that nobody is going to change this for me, but me. This situation isn't right or fair or nice or easy but it is my reality. I decided to hold

Myself to a higher standard, so the love of my life is living a life where it's ok the damage good people and his girlfriend is living a life where she can help destroy families, then that is there problem and I am not going to be a part of there sick and twisted game. I have removed myself and will protect myself at all costs. I am still in the most incredible pain just knowing that I have been betrayed by someone whom I thought loved me but I have a very clear picture of survival and the things I can achieve once the poison is out of my life, that doesn't mean tomorrow may be easy but I can at least face it and that was more than I have been able to do for a long time. It feels good to breath.

 

You are doing incredibly well. I'm so sorry for your situation. Please, keep your strength and know that others are here to support you. Things will get better in time. You deserve more and you will find it before you thought possible. Keep your head up and be proud of who you are!

Edited June 23, 2011 by Headspin

[Untouchable_Fire]

This situation isn't right or fair or nice or easy but it is my reality. I decided to hold

Myself to a higher standard, so the love of my life is living a life where it's ok the damage good people and his girlfriend is living a life where she can help destroy families, then that is there problem and I am not going to be a part of there sick and twisted game. I have removed myself and will protect myself at all costs. I am still in the most incredible pain just knowing that I have been betrayed by someone whom I thought loved me but I have a very clear picture of survival and the things I can achieve once the poison is out of my life, that doesn't mean tomorrow may be easy but I can at least face it and that was more than I have been able to do for a long time. It feels good to breath.

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this... It will help you uncover strengths you didn't know you have.

 

Also... believe that it may help you move to a better life.

[B_R_E_e]

You know when u are doing "ok", there must be an alarm that goes off somewhere to alert the world that u need more thrown at you. I found out today that my husband not only has been cheating on me with a nineteen year old but has basically snorted away everything that he or I have ever worked for, I must have been blind and stupid cuz I swear i never even thought he was on drugs, not that I ever saw the man (I use that term loosely) And then, my husband phones to tell me that he is moving back home and for me to deal with it. I had a break down and forgot all those great ideas I had for survival, once again I felt like hiding in bed. it just seems like too much for one person. I always thought if I had the right intentions, the right things would happen and the wrong things wouldn't. I guess not.

After a good cry in the car and a day of staring into space, I have realized that he has taken so much from me and he can't have my power. If I have to move to a shelter I am not letting that "man" win. I am starting to see the uphill battle that I face. Nothing will be easy and nothing will feel comfortable (for now) but I am not going back to that comfortable and easy HELL!!!!! I think all the people who have survived similar situations probable don't get credit for there strength and perseverance, this isn't easy.

[B_R_E_e]

I want to scream!! The mother f#%*er is coming back to MY house. He has been away working for 8 months and he has just informed me that he will be here in an hour and he will be staying for a month after which point he will be "cleaning out" the house and getting his own place. I am so mad. I tried pleading with his human side, but apparently he doesn't have one. And to top it off he says that after he leaves he intends to give me $400 per month to raise two young children. I could change the locks but he would smash a window. I want to do bad things to him, I won't, but I want to. I also need and want my children to feel safe. I know I need to consult a lawyer and now this whole situation is going to get messy. He doesn't pay his taxes, he is self employed and this is going to be a very hard fight. I hate that not only do I have to deal with the pain and heartache that he has inflicted on me but now I have to fight for mine and my childrens basic human rights to have peace and security and to survive on this planet. Three weeks ago, I had said to a friend, "I am so lucky to be married to a man that I love and who loves me" and now look at where I am. WTF? Aaaarrrrggghhh!!!!!

Edited June 25, 2011 by B_R_E_e
Wrong word

[PhoenixRise]

Bree

 

Can you get your hands on any financial data that you can use to your advantage? Anything at all that proves he has now or has had an income all these years?

 

See an attorney ASAP. Like Yesterday.

[B_R_E_e]

Is there ever any point in talking to the OW? Won't she just lie for him and mess with me more? He completely denies everything, he has told me to talk to her, I just don't know if it is a waste of energy that I don't even have......

[Kidd]

Bree

 

It doesn't sound to me that you should doubt that he's been unfaithful. Yet, you will. Sounds to me like you need to get out of the bed and your head in the game. Keep digging and documenting. Contact an attorney. Build a case for infidelity. Find out if your state is a "no fault" divorce state. This means that they don't care who is at fault; they just split marital assets. But some judges may still be influenced and child custody can be impacted which would have a financial impact. I just doubt that the FB stuff is enough for you to be sure for yourself and I would imagine an attorney would want more also. In the meantime, play whatever game you need to at home in order to build your case. Either that or get out, I feel some concern for your safety there. I'm not an expert here; mostly trying to let you know that someone is listening (probably a lot of us) and we've been in your shoes. It sucks more than anything else ever will. That part ain't gonna change but taking actions can get you moving in the right direction. Understand that this problem is rampant. I read that some 60% of marriages suffer infidelity. I've now seen thousands of stories and we all have almost the same story to tell about trusting someone and blamo. Welcome to the club. You didn't do anything to deserve this, you're not stupid or crazy, but you do have to deal with it. Keep coming for support.

[Loni]

Report him to the IRS. You get a percentage of whatever they back bill him for.

[B_R_E_e]

As much as I am such an angry place, I don't feel like "turning him in" is right for me. I really love.....loved......love(?) him, this whole new chapter in my life is hitting me like a bus. I do agree, everything he says is a lie. He is staying in "our" home and trying to carry on like nothing has happened. While our kids were gone we talked and the only thing that came out of it was so much confusion in my head. He knows how to manipulate me And is just waiting for me to crack. He is playing me. I know this. I am talking to a lawyer tomorrow, about my rights and where I stand. I know I don't want to be in this marriage, but that makes me so sad because I really wanted to be one of the ones who "made" it, I guess that's how he was able to f&$@ me around for so long, I was too busy trying to "make" it I didn't even notice him changing into the person he is right now.

[2sunny]

bree - get him out now! he is a drug addict. he will steal anything he can from you. he may harm you and your kids.

 

have him removed if you need to... call the police.

 

take your power back. get him out! and take care of you!

 

hugs

[Goldenspoon]

I thought we were friends, I was proud of him and told him he was great and sexy. I guess it is just his personality, can cheating be part of a defect in your dna?? Sigh

 

Is he black? Maybe Hispanic?

[PhoenixRise]

Is he black? Maybe Hispanic?

 

I am wondering how the answer to this question would change the fact that the OP is dealing with the implosion of her marriage, looming financial disaster, and the prospect of single parenthood?

 

Surely you know @$$holes come in all flavors...

[PhoenixRise]

Bree

 

I understand that you love him and that you have been blindsided by all this. It is good that you are seeing a lawyer to figure out where you stand.

 

 

Don't discount the idea of reporting him to the IRS if you need to (and if you can be certain that you will not suffer any liability for it).

 

Talking to the OW can be an iffy proposition. I had several conversations with the OW in my situation and I have never regretted it. However I have seen many OW post that they either lie to the BW to protect the MM or they refuse to answer any questions at all. At this point I don't think it would help you. You know he is cheating. Believe what you know rather than what he says.

 

Good Luck

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Consider first and foremost that this is a 30yo man who took considerable interest in a teenager.

 

This is the reason why you should reconsider your relationship.

 

Surely any guy could ("have fun") with a teenager, but a 30yo guy who is drawn to a 19yo girl romantically, beyond the sex, probably just doesn't have the personality for you.

 

There is nothing amiss from the vantage point of the 19yo, getting all that attention from an older man. But a 30yo who would invest all of that romantic attention in a 19yo usually has something considerably wrong with him socially.

 

This is cause for your concern.

[B_R_E_e]

I agree, a 30 year old father of two daughters having any sort of relationship with a 19 year old is absolutely ridiculous, and the fact that they had "any sort" of relationship is enough to seal the deal for me.

 

I have realized so much about myself and my life through these last few weeks. The biggest one was that at some point in this marriage, I gave up what I wanted and needed and dreamed of, and found a way to cope with that loss everyday. It didn't make me happy but I did it cuz I thought it was "right" for my marriage, kids, family,and everyones expectations. I am only on the surface of the pain and shock and problems that I am facing but I tell you, I would rather be here facing all this then be me a month ago being cheated on, my money going to drugs, being in a codependant relationship,me giving 110% to an endless void of a man and me living a life that wasn't up to my standard. Believe me, I am crushed and scared to death of what lies ahead and have alot of therapy in my future but I am gonna do big things.

 

BTW he is a white "man" and as scummy as they make em.

[2sunny]

did you kick him out? what are YOU doing now - to be assured of your safety and happiness?

[B_R_E_e]

He is no longer in my home. I dont even know where he has gone, don't care. I am moving from this place so that I can start over on my own and don't have to worry about him coming in at any moment. He will not confess to adaultery so I have to wait the 12 months for the divorce, I have to wait a bit longer before I can even be seperated (legally) from him. I am also starting therapy. I am talking alot to family and friends to keep me motivated from crawling back into bed and sleeping my life away, and I am NC with my husband, we didn't agree on that I just will not make or take any phone calls or text messages. It looks like I may have to take him to court for child support, I am hoping the scare of it might get his ass in gear, but I am prepAred to go all the wAy for what my kids need.

[2sunny]

good girl! way to be strong! now change the locks so you can feel safe in your own home. and don't hesitate to call the police if he comes over... just tell them you want him removed.

 

i'm proud of you taking action...