Did he rationally use me to get over his break-up or was he really into me?

[annabanana85]

I started dating this guy two weeks ago. At first I did not have any physical attraction to me but he was very smart and intellectual and we had a lot of things in common. He had just gotten out of a serious long term relationship two weeks ago (5 year) but he reassured me that this would not cause any trouble since he had fallen out of love with her long time ago. Plus he was in the US for a year and the girlfriend was back home in Europe. I was also worried because he was temporarily in the US and I did not want to get involved but again he reassured me that he would try to get a job in Chicago and stay most likely.

 

After a week of dating, he started getting very serious. He showered me with love and attention and we spent every night together for 5 days. He was very passionate and attentive and even though we had a lot of things in common, I cannot help but think that the also modified some of his interests and thoughts to match mine. He became super clingy; sending me 20 messages a day. I started falling in love with him. Then two days ago out of nowhere he told me that he is not sure about this since he got out of an LTR and he just found out that he has to go back to his home country in 3 months. He told me that he thought I was the right girl and he'll probably never meet someone like me but it was just bad timing. He also told me that he was developing really strong feelings for me but he was not madly in love enough to give up everything and stay.

 

After all this, we talked over chat and he told me that he wants to stay friends. And he does not regret our awesome relationship although he thinks it was egotistical on his part because I was hurt badly. It is completely true because I felt so depressed and dejected after he withdrew all of a sudden with no explanation after his persistent displays of affection and love.He also told me that he has psychological problems and has to go home to continue therapy.

 

Now I feel used and abused. I cannot help but think that he was being very rational from the beginning and just used my naivete to help him get over his girlfriend. Am I right to feel that way

[Finch]

You dated for two weeks. That, in my mind, does not qualify as an awesome relationship. At two weeks it's not yet a relationship at all. You say you weren't attracted to him at first - how do you go from no attraction to a relationship in fourteen days? He may have just been looking for some fun and then realized things got too serious too soon and so he's backing off.

You knew he was only in town temporarily, you knew he had just gotten out of a relationship - you must have at least had some idea that you were getting into a potentially sticky situation.

If you enjoyed the two weeks then great. You had fun, he had fun. Next time take things a little slower.

[annabanana85]

I always thought he was an awesome person and we had so many things in common, intellectually and personality wise. And I started falling for him despite the lack of physical attraction at first after 4 days.

 

I also think that he was very rational from the beginning. The girlfriend came from his home country to stay with him for 2 weeks to plead him to get back together with her. And right after the gf left, he approached me and showered me with tons of love, compliments and affection.

 

He also assured me many times that he would try to stay in the US and there is no future for him back home. Now I don't see how he changed his mind so fast! Either he's really mentally unstable or very calculating/rational and evil!

[creighton0123]

Honey, you speed dated. It seems that you may have confused infatuation for love.

 

Sounds to me like this young man just got out of a serious relationship and is on shaky grounds. Give him some breathing room. Find someone who you have both an emotional and physical attraction to. That isn't shallow - it's true. If you're not physically attracted to your partner, you may have sex and romance problems further down the line.

 

Of course, that's not to say find a drop dead, gorgeous man with a massive talent and six pack abs. Beauty is defined to be different things for different people. Find someone whom you recognize to be beautiful in every way and you would have found a highest potential partner.

[The Connoisseur]

Using one relationship to get over another relationship is never rational.

[annabanana85]

Anyways, I know it was fast. But I had so much intellectual and emotional connection with him. Never ever in my life have I felt so comfortable with someone and have admired their intelligence and character. I wish I had not experienced it because I think now it will be really hard for me to be attracted to someone else.