tentoughyears Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 I have been in a very bad situation, for a very long time, and it has had it’s effects on me. Mainly stemming from an extremely bitter divorce/custody battle, and other complications. So complicated, that I cannot put it concisely into this thread. All I can do is list out the situation and hope someone out there will understand. DIVORCE -Ex-wife got away with relocating almost 900 miles away w/child.(5 court dates/$10k) -Ex-filed child support, refused to work forcing me to pay an amount beyond what my income can bear. (for almost a decade) -Ex has cut me off from child,(ie: lags on getting broken landline phone fixed. etc) -$10,000 debt left over from divorce & travel out of state to see child. -With child spt so high, I live like a refugee, cannot pay debts or travel to child. -Haven’t seen child in over two years, rarely get her on the phone. -The few times I can get my daughter on the phone, she tells me how she misses me and wants me to come see her. -Ex wife has used all the “custodial mother” loopholes in the legal system. -I have become frustrated, depressed, and apathetic. WORK -I’m stuck in a stressful job I hate, working for people I do not trust or respect. -I rely on this job for $ for child spt, medical for child, & car (*don’t own car) -I suffer from sales burnout & can barely handle the stress of customer service. -Career change at my age (50) is difficult, I also don’t have a solid new direction. -Cannot afford to contribute to my 401k at this time, and haven’t for 2 years. -To have a decent life I would have to increase my income approx 30-40% (Something I will not be able to do within this company or field) FAMILY -Father in ill health, relies on me for medical appts, shopping, housework, etc. -He is 40 miles away, I’m the only family member in driving distance. (*that’s where the company car comes into play) -As much as I love the rest my family, I admit they have not been much support. HOME/LIFE -A meager apartment with rent control, little furniture. -I do not own or can afford a car, a TV, cable, a vacation, a girlfriend, or even just date. -Social life dwindled to nothing, (lack of funds and time spent working 2nd jobs) SELF -Severe depression, pain of all this, what my child & I have lost over ex wifes anger. -Anxiety : can’t rise above this & be a part of my childs life, new career? retirement? -Stress causing bad insomnia, skin cracking condition on hands, rashes. -Apathy of flaws in our legal system, plus time & resources I have to rise above this. -Can’t afford copay for counseling. Well..... as you can see, difficult and complicated, and as you can imagine this is just scratching the surface. It all centers around money, I don’t make enough of it, I got screwed around over it, and I don’t know a good path to make more of it. I’m tired, unhappy, lonely, and I don’t know how to rise above this. (Please forgive the length of my post)
brokendreamz Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Mate, I don't blame you for feeling like you do. I think you should be proud of yourself for getting this far. I heard a quote recently that helped me - 'You are at the bottom of a mountain, beating your way through unforgiving vegitation - you can't yet see the top of the mountain but you know that when you reach it, the view will be all the more amazing after the effort you put in to reaching the it. Stay strong. Be lucky.
Crusoe Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Hi Ten, I have a friend who would understand. I know it's not much help, but your not alone in struggling with the effects of divorce. He is one of the best men I know, similar age to you, had a good job, earn't well, doted on his family and had a great life. About 10 years ago he was made redundant, a month later his wife goonered him and shortly after that it came to light she had been having an affair for over a year. He had a nervous breakdown, and during that time she completely wiped him out. He lost everything, and she moved a to the other side of the country. Life has been real hard for him since. He couldn't get back into his old field of work and now does a job he hates. 80+ hours a week, every week for the last ten years. Money has been so tight that he has sometimes gone without food. He desperately misses his kids, suffers badly with depression, is very lonely and for quite a while, lost all hope. Things have changed a little for him over the last year though. He also has a sick father and eventually decided to move in with him. That has helped with the financial side of things and also helps with his loneliness. It's a lot of extra work and stress, but just being able to sit down a share a ball game with someone, or to cook for two has perked him up a bit. Also, his eldest boy has just graduated and chosen a university back on this side of the country, so he is finally going to get to see his boy again. The ambition of the youngest son is to do the same thing. Life is still going to be hard for him, he's never going to be able to have a decent home or be able to retire, but he's done his ten tough years and is slowly coming through the other side. He now knows that oneday he will be able to change his work, clear some debts, and maybe find a little happiness in life again. If you can't rise above it, just keep on slogging thorough it. Your time will come.
GorillaTheater Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Sounds like you're on the verge of chucking everything and going off the grid. God knows you've been through enough hell to make a reaction like that understandable. Regardless of whether or not that's where you're at mentally and emotionally, try this instead: Move closer to your daughter. Same town, if possible. Get whatever job(s) you can get. If it doesn't pay enough to meet your support obligations, tell your X that either she takes what you can afford to pay or send you off to jail, in which case she gets nothing. Consider filing bankruptcy to get rid of dischargeable debt. I don't discount your age as a factor, but I'm 49 and I know I could get a job at Lowe's tomorrow unloading trucks. In a way, having nothing left to lose is a gift. We fear the worst case scenario. But if you're already in hell, there's nothing left to fear. Your daughter is the only thing that matters. Do whatever you can to be with her. How old is she?
Author tentoughyears Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 Mate, I don't blame you for feeling like you do. I think you should be proud of yourself for getting this far. I heard a quote recently that helped me - 'You are at the bottom of a mountain, beating your way through unforgiving vegitation - you can't yet see the top of the mountain but you know that when you reach it, the view will be all the more amazing after the effort you put in to reaching the it. Stay strong. Be lucky. Although I do not see the "light at the end of my tunnel" (which gives me great anxiety) I thank you for your words of encouragement.
Author tentoughyears Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 Hi Ten, I have a friend who would understand. I know it's not much help, but your not alone in struggling with the effects of divorce. He is one of the best men I know, similar age to you, had a good job, earn't well, doted on his family and had a great life. About 10 years ago he was made redundant, a month later his wife goonered him and shortly after that it came to light she had been having an affair for over a year. He had a nervous breakdown, and during that time she completely wiped him out. He lost everything, and she moved a to the other side of the country. Life has been real hard for him since. He couldn't get back into his old field of work and now does a job he hates. 80+ hours a week, every week for the last ten years. Money has been so tight that he has sometimes gone without food. He desperately misses his kids, suffers badly with depression, is very lonely and for quite a while, lost all hope. Things have changed a little for him over the last year though. He also has a sick father and eventually decided to move in with him. That has helped with the financial side of things and also helps with his loneliness. It's a lot of extra work and stress, but just being able to sit down a share a ball game with someone, or to cook for two has perked him up a bit. Also, his eldest boy has just graduated and chosen a university back on this side of the country, so he is finally going to get to see his boy again. The ambition of the youngest son is to do the same thing. Life is still going to be hard for him, he's never going to be able to have a decent home or be able to retire, but he's done his ten tough years and is slowly coming through the other side. He now knows that oneday he will be able to change his work, clear some debts, and maybe find a little happiness in life again. If you can't rise above it, just keep on slogging thorough it. Your time will come. Thank you for taking the time to understand my story, I hope that someday I can "come out the other side". I have pain & fear because I don't have a plan out of this and cannot see light from that other side. I am "slogging" I'm just very tired.
Author tentoughyears Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 Sounds like you're on the verge of chucking everything and going off the grid. God knows you've been through enough hell to make a reaction like that understandable. Regardless of whether or not that's where you're at mentally and emotionally, try this instead: Move closer to your daughter. Same town, if possible. Get whatever job(s) you can get. If it doesn't pay enough to meet your support obligations, tell your X that either she takes what you can afford to pay or send you off to jail, in which case she gets nothing. Consider filing bankruptcy to get rid of dischargeable debt. I don't discount your age as a factor, but I'm 49 and I know I could get a job at Lowe's tomorrow unloading trucks. In a way, having nothing left to lose is a gift. We fear the worst case scenario. But if you're already in hell, there's nothing left to fear. Your daughter is the only thing that matters. Do whatever you can to be with her. How old is she? VERY INSIGHTFUL!!! Tex, I do think about changing my name and moving to a foreign country. Friggin sad!!! ...and yes I've already looked into bankruptcy & hv a tentative plan. As for moving.... Oh man!!.... I gotta admit that is a real mind-f#$k for me. It's what started the whole thing, it's something I can't do financially at this time, it's a place I hate, it has one of the highest unemployment in the nation, I got no friends or support there, ... man I could go on and on. And yet, not being a part of my child's life eats at me. One of the hardest things about this is that my father is actually terminally ill from the effects of smoking & drinking. I am his ONLY support, I am on deathwatch, that is a bare fact. I made a promise long ago to take care of him. When My ex took off I had to make a decision based on the following math. My child is safe, and cared for, she is simply cut off from me by virtue of my ex wife's bitter strategy and the depth of her and her parents anger. My father would not survive without me. I prayed on it.
soserious1 Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 Tick tock, each second that passes is one second closer to the child support obligation & your ex's hold over you being over, tick, tock Be glad you aren't ordered to pay alimony, I get up every morning knowing that for the rest of my life I have to get out there & make sure my pimp (my ex-husband) gets his money or the judge will throw me in jail... every day for the rest of my life. Your sentence will at least be over someday.
GorillaTheater Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 VERY INSIGHTFUL!!! Tex, I do think about changing my name and moving to a foreign country. Friggin sad!!! ...and yes I've already looked into bankruptcy & hv a tentative plan. As for moving.... Oh man!!.... I gotta admit that is a real mind-f#$k for me. It's what started the whole thing, it's something I can't do financially at this time, it's a place I hate, it has one of the highest unemployment in the nation, I got no friends or support there, ... man I could go on and on. And yet, not being a part of my child's life eats at me. One of the hardest things about this is that my father is actually terminally ill from the effects of smoking & drinking. I am his ONLY support, I am on deathwatch, that is a bare fact. I made a promise long ago to take care of him. When My ex took off I had to make a decision based on the following math. My child is safe, and cared for, she is simply cut off from me by virtue of my ex wife's bitter strategy and the depth of her and her parents anger. My father would not survive without me. I prayed on it. Well, in my book you need to honor your promise to your father, and taking care of him in his last days is the honorable thing to do regardless of whether you promised to do so, so well done on that front. When he's gone, move to where your daughter is. Sure, it's a place you hate, but your daughter outweighs that factor by a long shot. You can always get used to a location. And friends and support can be cultivated by getting out and getting active in a community, whether it be church, volunteering, coaching, or what have you. And SoSerious is right, the child support has a term attached to it, and I bet that the end of that term is in sight. Have your X and her family tried to poison your daughter's mind against you? Without a doubt, but to the extent that poison may have taken (and it doesn't sound like it has), she'll know the truth once she's a little older, you're there for her regardless, and she understands the truth of the situation. And imagine the look on your X's face when she learns you're living a bike ride away.
Author tentoughyears Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 Tick tock, each second that passes is one second closer to the child support obligation & your ex's hold over you being over, tick, tock Be glad you aren't ordered to pay alimony, I get up every morning knowing that for the rest of my life I have to get out there & make sure my pimp (my ex-husband) gets his money or the judge will throw me in jail... every day for the rest of my life. Your sentence will at least be over someday. Ticktock = 9 more years, amount very high, lost so much, will lose more. As for alimony, I got out of that based on the length of our union and her poor behavior, so I don't know much about those rules. Can't imagine why it's for life unless, he's disabled. No mention of children, if it was just for him I would get a low pay job(or go on disability somehow), get the alimony adjusted to your income in court, then seek under the table income. Like my situation, your's likely has more details than revealed, I wish you the best of luck in finding a way to right this wrong. God Bless
Author tentoughyears Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 Well, in my book you need to honor your promise to your father, and taking care of him in his last days is the honorable thing to do regardless of whether you promised to do so, so well done on that front. When he's gone, move to where your daughter is. Sure, it's a place you hate, but your daughter outweighs that factor by a long shot. You can always get used to a location. And friends and support can be cultivated by getting out and getting active in a community, whether it be church, volunteering, coaching, or what have you. And SoSerious is right, the child support has a term attached to it, and I bet that the end of that term is in sight. Have your X and her family tried to poison your daughter's mind against you? Without a doubt, but to the extent that poison may have taken (and it doesn't sound like it has), she'll know the truth once she's a little older, you're there for her regardless, and she understands the truth of the situation. And imagine the look on your X's face when she learns you're living a bike ride away. Tex, Ur a smart cat. I appreciate your constructive nature on this. Yes, when he goes I will have to make some big decisions, and moving is the biggest possibility. I have already considered much of the dynamics you mention (church, community, etc) and you're dead-on that my child is more important than my happiness. As for the term of my child spt, I will be almost 60. The bare fact is that if I don't do something professionally to increase my income now, when that time comes I'll be pushing a shopping cart downtown & living in a cardboard box. Yes, there is an end to the term, but unless I do something about the money now I won't be effective in getting there or be an effective dad. The only thing that you're wrong on is.... I will never get used to that place. Never. PS*(God bless soserious, I hope she can someday fix that)
TheBadOne Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 TTY, It's tough to hear your story. So many men get screwed in our legal system when divorcing but I find it hard to believe that the judge allowed her to move 900 miles away. Usually the judge will keep the parents in the same state. If it were me I would do whatever I can to move myself and my father near my daughter and collect unemployement until I find a descent job. After that I would start dating( on the cheap) and land myself a nice girl. It is possible if you put your mind to it. Show your ex, yourself, your father and especially your little girl the true happy you. Life is too short to give up on yourself.
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