HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Ok I realize that this should probably go in the dating forum but I would really like all your opinions as it does kind of involve my ex. as a way to move on I have been hanging around my family a lot more (parents and younger sister). they like to take a trip into town on the weekends and do some shopping or go out to eat. well we ended up going to a farm stand where I have taken eye to one of the workers there (she's absolutely gorgeous, and after disbelief in me finding someone as good as my ex, won't find anyone as attractive, ect. I finally have ). Although I have never talked to her (other than her just doing her job in helping me) I am more attracted to this girl than I ever was with my ex. I know people will say I've never had time to actually meet her but give me the benefit of the doubt here . even physical attraction towards someone must be some sort of sign that I'm really moving on. Well I've been very weary of actually socializing with her because of two reasons. my main reason you can read about in this thread. I feel that even though my ex has found someone else (my old best friend) I feel that she is comparing him to me just by the way she brought it up. with that being said I do not want to try to get with this new girl and be comparing her to my ex (I just think that really sets up the rebound). I guess I'm just scared of rebounding and hurting someone. secondary reason: I only see her at her work place. I think it would be rude socializing with her here with my intentions of getting to know her, and possibly getting into a relationship with this girl. I think that with these intentions I may be putting her on the spot in her work place, and I'm sure her boss or even other co-workers don't want her socializing while she is supposed to be doing her job. I'm also having thoughts of me coming off very lame (because I only go there when my family goes). Also, my family knows I am very attracted to her and my mom... well... she's a bit of a stalker lol. a few days ago she figured out her name (don't ask how, and no she didn't ask her), found her facebook profile, and told me that she seems like a very nice person. Yes my family likes making situations such as these very awkward. well now I have her name, her profile pic on FB (because her profile is set to private), and me bored on the computer so I do a people search.... found her myspace profile (not private), viewed her pics, surveys she's taken, and even learned that she placed 2nd in my states WalkRace (still not sure what that is but hey, she made it to states haha) so I guess this puts me as a stalker . What are your thoughts on this? I think I am ready but I don't want to start with this girl (even if it only leads to friendship) and find myself comparing her to my ex. Also, what are your thoughts on how I could get things started? a lot of people have told me "sure you can do this at her workplace, it's no biggie" whereas I feel it is very rude and could put her on the spot.
TearyEyedPride Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Awww! I sooo like the the thought of new relationships!! Back to business though... *clears her throat* So... you like her and you wanna get to know her. Next time say something interesting that catches her attention. I mean since you've cyber-stalked her (on an extremely minor scale I might add) lol, bring up something like the walk race... and see how she responds. It IS DEFINITELY ok to make small talk. Take it slow, and feel things out.. Now in regards to comparing her to your ex... *sigh* honestly it's human nature. As humans we group things and compare and really although sometimes we may not want to... we still do. It's how we recognize, associate and differentiate things. So don't beat yourself up about it, but definitely try not to make any firm judgements about her based on comparisons to your ex. Keep in mind that everything is fresh, everything is new... it's a new start! So take it lightly, and if more ensues... then definitely cherish the journey.... UNLESS YOU END UP BACK HERE lmao... I'm sooo kidding. We love you. Good Luck!
Author HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 first off, thanks for your reply I'm seeing things a little differently now. I understand that it is human nature to compare everything as you have mentioned, I guess I'm just scared that I may not be ready and I may not take this lightly. But I'll never know unless I do get to know this girl. Also, thanks for saying I cyber-stalked her on a minor scale (I was bored/curious at the time, and after I felt horrible for doing it). I'm not even sure how to bring up the walkrace, I'm not even sure what it is lol.
lalalandman Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 dude I've read about your ex, and she's drama. Just out to hurt you. But you're too strong for that sort of immature nonsense. Go for the new girl.
Author HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 dude I've read about your ex, and she's drama. Just out to hurt you. But you're too strong for that sort of immature nonsense. Go for the new girl. Trust me I really want to pursue this girl . I'm just a little scared that I'll compare her to to my ex to much. I'm assuming that you read my thread about her IM saying she has been seeing someone when you say she's out to hurt me and I'm to strong for that, and yes she may not have hurt me in the way she intended, just struck fear into my heart. I say it's time to face the fears, now I just need to figure out how I can initiate a conversation with this beauty .
california15 Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 If you compare I think it's only natural. Don't let it discourage you. Best of luck! Keep us posted =]
thelovingkind Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 Yes I'm interested to see how this goes, because I'm sort of in the same position. Hesitant but curious to step out there. In the past, the final nail in the coffin of moving on from my ex has always been developing a budding romance with someone new. So long as my ex is still the last best thing that I've known it's hard to really complete the process.
Author HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 Don't worry I'll keep you all updated with what happens. I've actually been thinking about how to initiate some sort of contact with this girl since I first saw her and this is what I have come up with since I still feel that it is rude to do anything other than small talk with her at her work place. my friend is in the midst of starting a PC repair business and he wants me to be his first employee and in a managing position should the business take off. he's already made me business cards (even though the business hasn't started yet). now I'm thinking I can do a little small talk with this girl (hopefully the walkrace will come up during our conversations) on a few visits (meaning this won't happen the first time we start talking). Now if the walkrace doesn't come up in the conversation I'll need to find another topic for this plan to work. but I'm thinking that I'll write my cell number on one of the business cards, hand it to her, and ask her out for coffee or something and say "I'd love to hear more about that walkrace". that's my plan so far and like I said if the walk race doesn't come up I'll have to pick something out of our conversations together to fit in it's place, or take a new approach. Oh and this is kind of funny, while trying to scheme up a plan to talk to this girl I get an email that somehow got through gmails spam filter and my computers spam filter... subject:"how to pick up chicks" apparently I get 3 free videos with advice lol.
Author HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 well here's an update about the new girl. today I went to the farm stand where she works. I figured with it being a week day the place wouldn't be as busy (I was wrong ) I went in to buy carrots (not that I needed them but I think several of you can relate) and walked around "browsing" for a few minutes while the line at the register cleared up a bit. I noticed her in the corner but she was very busy so I decided not to approach her. After "browsing" for a little bit she actually approached me. we didn't exchange much talk though... just the simple "hi, how are you today?" which I would have liked to have said more but she still seemed very busy. after the line cleared at the register (and this is where I feel dumb!!!) I walk up and put the carrots on the counter, this new girl had gone behind the counter to the other register and basically watched me as I checked out (and I'm kicking myself for not going to her register but I had already put the carrots on the counter before I noticed this). She only asked me how I was doing during this time and the place was very busy. hopefully, tomorrow I can manage to make another trip down there and buy another vegetable that I won't need . TheLovingKind and California15, during this whole encounter I never once thought about my ex, never made a comparison (at least not at a concious level), and surprisingly I didn't feel nervous around her. obviously I am attracted to her immensely but I'm not thinking of her in terms of dating or sex right now. Right now I just want to learn more about her . I'll keep you updated when more stuff happens
california15 Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 oh so you were the guy who didn't buy his carrots at my register... haha just kidding - I'm glad you weren't nervous and it sounds like the encounter went well for you! It must be awesome to have the excitement feeling again for someone and You've made good progress thus far - its evident in your posts. Not that you need reminding, but don't jump into dating or anything too fast. Whats that saying? A candle that burns fast dies fast? Anyways - you're doing the right thing by takin it slow and learning about her; not seeing her as a potential gf first, but by seeing her as a potential friend first, as you said someone you want to get to know better initially. You don't need that added pressure of trying to meet someone with the intention of making them an automatic new girlfriend - (did that last sentence make sense?) You sound like a quality guy and I look forward to seeing where things go with her In the meantime, hope you have some good recipes for vegetable soup, carrot cake, etc...
wilsonx Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 (edited) well here's an update about the new girl. today I went to the farm stand where she works. I figured with it being a week day the place wouldn't be as busy (I was wrong ) I went in to buy carrots (not that I needed them but I think several of you can relate) and walked around "browsing" for a few minutes while the line at the register cleared up a bit. I noticed her in the corner but she was very busy so I decided not to approach her. After "browsing" for a little bit she actually approached me. we didn't exchange much talk though... just the simple "hi, how are you today?" which I would have liked to have said more but she still seemed very busy. after the line cleared at the register (and this is where I feel dumb!!!) I walk up and put the carrots on the counter, this new girl had gone behind the counter to the other register and basically watched me as I checked out (and I'm kicking myself for not going to her register but I had already put the carrots on the counter before I noticed this). She only asked me how I was doing during this time and the place was very busy. hopefully, tomorrow I can manage to make another trip down there and buy another vegetable that I won't need . TheLovingKind and California15, during this whole encounter I never once thought about my ex, never made a comparison (at least not at a concious level), and surprisingly I didn't feel nervous around her. obviously I am attracted to her immensely but I'm not thinking of her in terms of dating or sex right now. Right now I just want to learn more about her . I'll keep you updated when more stuff happens ok, so im going to give you a little advice here, you're going to think Im completely off the wall crazy but trust me. dont use an excuse to talk to her, just do it. If you want to get an indicator of interest before you talk to her, do something like if she looks at you make eye contact with her smile and then wink. See what happens. She will most likely turn away and turn back with the biggest cheese smile you have ever seen in your life. IT WILL BE A HUGE CONFIDENCE BOOST FOR YOU... HUGE to the point where you are probably going to stop in your tracks and be like what just happened. Next step, get out of the mindset of DATING. Its stupid and too early. You want to get in the mindset of "Hanging Out." Girls will stop you dead in your tracks if you are coming on as trying to date them. Start some casual conversation with her, something stupid but she can give you her opinion on, maybe point at another customers shirt and says, do you think that shirt on me would make me look gay. If the conversation goes well you can tell her you think shes an interesting chick and that you would like to pick her brain some more over coffee/lunch sometime. She might say something stupid like I have a boyfriend and if she says that say thats OK I like a challenge. Just have fun with it, dont be serious and insecure Forgot to Add-Dont just hang out with one person at a time, go have fun with lots of people Edited June 29, 2011 by wilsonx
Author HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 oh so you were the guy who didn't buy his carrots at my register... haha just kidding - I'm glad you weren't nervous and it sounds like the encounter went well for you! It must be awesome to have the excitement feeling again for someone and You've made good progress thus far - its evident in your posts. Not that you need reminding, but don't jump into dating or anything too fast. Whats that saying? A candle that burns fast dies fast? Anyways - you're doing the right thing by takin it slow and learning about her; not seeing her as a potential gf first, but by seeing her as a potential friend first, as you said someone you want to get to know better initially. You don't need that added pressure of trying to meet someone with the intention of making them an automatic new girlfriend - (did that last sentence make sense?) You sound like a quality guy and I look forward to seeing where things go with her In the meantime, hope you have some good recipes for vegetable soup, carrot cake, etc... Thank you, your words really do mean a lot to me. And your sentence made complete sense to me. I went to the farm stand again today and she waited on me at the register (which I did A LOT of just walking around just to wait for her to have the time to wait on me lol). I do want to get to know her and that is my main goal in these encounters but I also see her as being a future gf, probably because I've never been as attracted to anyone before as I am with this girl but I don't want to be that fast burning candle either lol.
Author HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 ok, so im going to give you a little advice here, you're going to think Im completely off the wall crazy but trust me. dont use an excuse to talk to her, just do it. If you want to get an indicator of interest before you talk to her, do something like if she looks at you make eye contact with her smile and then wink. See what happens. She will most likely turn away and turn back with the biggest cheese smile you have ever seen in your life. IT WILL BE A HUGE CONFIDENCE BOOST FOR YOU... HUGE to the point where you are probably going to stop in your tracks and be like what just happened. Next step, get out of the mindset of DATING. Its stupid and too early. You want to get in the mindset of "Hanging Out." Girls will stop you dead in your tracks if you are coming on as trying to date them. Start some casual conversation with her, something stupid but she can give you her opinion on, maybe point at another customers shirt and says, do you think that shirt on me would make me look gay. If the conversation goes well you can tell her you think shes an interesting chick and that you would like to pick her brain some more over coffee/lunch sometime. She might say something stupid like I have a boyfriend and if she says that say thats OK I like a challenge. Just have fun with it, dont be serious and insecure Forgot to Add-Dont just hang out with one person at a time, go have fun with lots of people I like the advice, although I'm kind of at a loss of friends at the moment. pretty much all of them moved after high school and college so hanging out in groups would be a little difficult. right now I'm not going after this girl with the goal of dating, I want to know more about her and possibly date her (who knows I might not be attracted to her once I get to know her). I'll try the smile wink thing like you mentioned even though it does sound a little cheesy, but I have nothing to lose so cheesy works haha.
wilsonx Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I like the advice, although I'm kind of at a loss of friends at the moment. pretty much all of them moved after high school and college so hanging out in groups would be a little difficult. right now I'm not going after this girl with the goal of dating, I want to know more about her and possibly date her (who knows I might not be attracted to her once I get to know her). I'll try the smile wink thing like you mentioned even though it does sound a little cheesy, but I have nothing to lose so cheesy works haha. I guarantee you if she smiles back hardcore, asking her for coffee or lunch is in the bag
Author HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 I guarantee you if she smiles back hardcore, asking her for coffee or lunch is in the bag ... now I just need to think of another vegetable I can buy lol
california15 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 aight so potential future gf, got it. In college they gave us a suggestion for an ice breaker: go up to someone and say "Have you seen any fat penguins?". They say "What? / Excuse me?" and you say "I needed something to break the ice" while I do NOT recommend that approach for a many reasons I had an idea I wanted to share with you since you're going to her stand alot for vegetables: You could buy some other random vegetable (celery??) and ask her if she knows any good recipes with vegetables (since you buy alot there). Its asking her input on a professional level so to speak, and in doing so you might have a convo about homemade chicken noodle soup (which has carrots and celery!) or whatever else lol. Its kind of a segway into learning more about her. She give you a recipe, you ask if she's ever tried it, she tells you about the time she did for her g-ma's birthday, you talk about family etc (i had to paint a picture here) Be genuine. Wilsonx had some good advice (minus asking if another's shirt would make you look gay. Good idea about the shirt, but ask a different question.) Secondly, I vote the smile. I do not vote the wink. Sometimes when guys wink at girls its misinterpreted as creepy. you do not want to be creepy. Maybe get other girl's opinions on this...
wilsonx Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Be genuine. Wilsonx had some good advice (minus asking if another's shirt would make you look gay. Good idea about the shirt, but ask a different question.) Secondly, I vote the smile. I do not vote the wink. Sometimes when guys wink at girls its misinterpreted as creepy. you do not want to be creepy. Maybe get other girl's opinions on this... If you are confident in yourself and do it with a friendly smile, its not creepy. I have had one person in my entire life not smile at me when ive smiled and winked at her and guess who that person was... my current ex...
california15 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 I agree that confidence is definitely seen in a smile. Women like confident men. I'm not really a wink girl. I'd be more accepting of a wink if it was in conversation and was a joking conversation with someone I felt comfortable with than I would be if it was a smile and wink from across the room without interaction from a new guy. buuuuut like I said, ask other girls. Maybe I'm the only 'winks-from-new/stranger-guys-creep-me-out' girl. regardless of whether you wink or not, I agree with wilson that you should smile confidently. Smile all the way
Author HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 30, 2011 Author Posted June 30, 2011 I don't think I have to worry about the smile coming through... I smile at the thought of just seeing her lol. I like your thoughts on the winking thing, maybe I'll converse with her a little more before I do a wink. Also like the recipe idea as well even though you had to paint a picture in your head. The past two times I've gone (today and yesterday) I went alone and drove my car . I drive a bright red 2001 toyota celica that I noticed today draws the eyes of every customer which is really giving me a boost in confidence, I know the car won't win the girl or necessarily give me my chance to talk to her but it's more about reinforcing my confidence in doing so.
Author HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 I'll try to update my progress every week or two, but as busy as this girl always is at work I might go longer periods of time without updating lol. Okay so yesterdays visit to the farm stand with my family was... interesting. I learned the advantages of having other people there (my family), and also the disadvantages. well the disadvantage is more of just a little embarrassing, my mother decided to have a conversation with the girl, which is fine but... She started intentionally putting in details about me into the conversation (yep there's a hit to the confidence). However the advantage to having my family there (mom, dad, and sister) is that I have an extra 3 sets of eyes. Apparently she watched me a lot while I was at the market, just not if she knew I was looking at her. we made eye contact a few times, every time we made this eye contact I got a slight smile then she looked away (kind of felt like she was nervous). Today's visit was fast, because me and my family had places to be. my sister and I ran in and grabbed some blueberries and grapes for my mothers birthday cake/pie thing. Now I tried to get the girl to wait on me at the register but she had things to do. After noticing me and my sister standing there she did a few things behind the counter while another girl rung us up. She basically ignored my sister and asked me how I was doing (while ignoring everyone else). I'm feeling very confident with this girl, and the confidence keeps rising with almost every visit. I'm hoping I'll be able to ask her for coffee or lunch sometime this week, but with it being a holiday week/weekend I might not get the chance until next week. Either way I'm feeling good about this. If you are confident in yourself and do it with a friendly smile, its not creepy. I have had one person in my entire life not smile at me when ive smiled and winked at her and guess who that person was... my current ex... So if she doesn't smile to the smile/wink.... RUN!!!!! ? jk
california15 Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 I was wondering if you were going to update?! (thought your carrots might be getting lonely...) so after your family-farm visit, would you bring them again?
Author HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 I was wondering if you were going to update?! (thought your carrots might be getting lonely...) so after your family-farm visit, would you bring them again? actually I found a use for the carrots and other veggies I bought. I got a very bad sunburn while working on a farm for a few days and my dad found a juicing recipe that slightly relieves sunburn pain and helps them heal faster. the recipe calls for carrots, beets, spinach, and romaine lettuce (to my surprise it actually worked lol). as for your question: Yes I would bring them again. After my breakup, I have bonded with my family tremendously and they are not only my family but my friends now (didn't get along so well during and before my last relationship). they may be embarrassing at times but what is family for??? . not only that but I think this new girl likes the relationship I have with my family or maybe it takes away her being nervous around me (she seems to open up more with my family there). Even though my mother threw out those facts about me, I got a few things that I might be able to use to get her to hang out. One of the things my mother said was I am turning 21 soon, to which the girl replied to me "sweet, we'll have to party it up." then turned to my mom and jokingly said "you can be the designated driver" lol. If my family isn't around or at least within conversation range she acts shy towards me. Which is weird because she seems very outgoing.
wilsonx Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 Here's a great idea Have you introduced your self to her? Say... Hey, my family thought you were an alright girl, I stood up for you and thought you were very interesting. Introduce yourself to her. Shake her hand. Have fun with her so shes not being shy around you. Talk to her about random things and put your hand in the air and agree and make her give you a high five. If you are a fun person to hang around with she will come out of her shell
TheHurtProcess Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 we made eye contact a few times, every time we made this eye contact I got a slight smile then she looked away (kind of felt like she was nervous). I'd say you're in. Just go for it. Next time you visit shoot for the stars. I'm rootin' for ya bro.
Author HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 Here's a great idea Have you introduced your self to her? Say... Hey, my family thought you were an alright girl, I stood up for you and thought you were very interesting. Introduce yourself to her. Shake her hand. Have fun with her so shes not being shy around you. Talk to her about random things and put your hand in the air and agree and make her give you a high five. If you are a fun person to hang around with she will come out of her shell I'd say you're in. Just go for it. Next time you visit shoot for the stars. I'm rootin' for ya bro. Thanks for the support guys, I'm going for it when the chance presents itself. And I'll read over this whole thread before I go to the farm stand again for added confidence. To be completely honest this girl is the only person I've ever felt nervous/scared about talking to, not sure if it's because I've been out of the "game" for 3.5 years or if it's because I've never been so attracted to someone before . and as always I'll keep you all updated.
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