Georgio Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 I'm new and never posted on a advice forum before. Would really appreciate some help. I've been dating this girl for 7 months now. She's really great, and I love her but I've done some things to really screw things up and I don't know if I can fix it. I don't want her to meet my friends, they are going to judge her and me. She says I can't keep her a secret forever. I told her the reason I keep her away is because I a) am a private person who doesn/t want people to know my business and b) because my ex girlfriend works where I hangout and I don't want to cause drama. There have been other things I've done but I don't feel like going into it. This is the main issue. I told her the other day I want to move in with her and that I love her a great deal, but at this point, though I know she loves me, she's terrified of being hurt, and I know that I haven't been fair and that everything I have done up until now has pointed towards me playing her. I just finally realize that I've gone over that line and I can see she is seriously thinking about leaving. She's young (24) and I'm 13 years older than her. This is a huge thing for me. I've never dated a younger woman before and I know it's going to be an issue with the people I hang with. Especially the ex... By the way, before anyone says it, I realize that was stupid to tell her, because though she doesn't anything, when I say I'm going to hangout at that place I can now see the wheels turning. She's been so great though, I don't want to lose her. What can I do to salvage this???? Or can I???
ImJustAGuy Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Alright dude, I'll be the first to say, this sounds iffy. Maybe you haven't given us here enough info, but if you love this chick, why are you worried about what your bros are gonna think? And why are you still kicking around your ex? But you love this girl? If it's one thing my years have taught me about women, they always know. Damn pain some times. If you could give some background, it might make more sense.
Author Georgio Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 Alright dude, I'll be the first to say, this sounds iffy. Maybe you haven't given us here enough info, but if you love this chick, why are you worried about what your bros are gonna think? And why are you still kicking around your ex? But you love this girl? If it's one thing my years have taught me about women, they always know. Damn pain some times. If you could give some background, it might make more sense. Ok... This is embarrassing. We started off as friends with benefits. During that time I did not see anyone else, but let her think that it was possible I was. I played head games with her constantly. I would wait until the last second to make plans with her, then once in a while would cancel within minutes of date... She and I got close and I was scared she may be using me. So I put her through the wringer. She told me first she was interested and I told her I wanted to sleep with her and be friends. I knew she was heartbroken. The fact was that I was def. interested, I just didn't want her to know right away. Like I said, I figured she was using me. The more time I spent with her the more I liked her and fell in love. The whole ex thing is just unfortunate, I hang out where she works, it's where I met her in the first place, It's a members only club. We only dated for three months, but I told my current gf a lot about her in the beginning, about how she ripped out my heart and how devestated I was when it ended, how in love I was with her so on and so forth. My gf has not asked me to stop going there. She doesn't grill me when I get home andis so understanding (on the outside) it makes me almost sick with guilt bc I know she has every reason to be doubtful of what I tell her. Plus i used to go on about how beautiful girls walking by would be to her and just in general have been kind of a jerk. In the past month though i've really attempted to make her see how much she means to me, but the damage is done. I don't want her to be uncomfortable with my friends andI know she will be. In fact the last time we talked about it she flat out told me she doesn't want to meet them anymore. She says that it's been 7 months of wondering why I;m so against it that a part of her doesn;t want to find out the reason why. Basically I know she's internalized everything and I want to fix it. I want to make her secure, as secure as she's made me feel, but now it's really hard. I know i've taken her selfesteem to an all time low and I want to bring it back.
kiss_andmakeup Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Yeah, I'd say that qualifies as pretty jerky behaviour. I'll say this: if I had a boyfriend who was more worried about his ex's feelings/thoughts/perceptions than mine, I'd find it a dealbreaker. On top of that, you were only with your ex for 3 months?! Why the hell do you even care what she thinks of your new girlfriend? You are lucky she's put up with as much as she has. My guess is that her self-esteem must be pretty low.
Author Georgio Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 Yeah her self esteem is really low, but it wasn't in the beginning... i can pretty much take full blame for that. I don't think she's planning on "putting up" with me much longer though... I really don't care about the ex, it wasn't even the real reason anyway. Just something I spit out bc I didn't want to tell her that I was ashamed of the age gap. Though now I'm seeing that would have been MUCH better than the ex excuse. I couldn't possibly feel worse about this. I want to make it right.
kiss_andmakeup Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Yeah her self esteem is really low, but it wasn't in the beginning... i can pretty much take full blame for that. I don't think she's planning on "putting up" with me much longer though... I really don't care about the ex, it wasn't even the real reason anyway. Just something I spit out bc I didn't want to tell her that I was ashamed of the age gap. Though now I'm seeing that would have been MUCH better than the ex excuse. I couldn't possibly feel worse about this. I want to make it right. I guess I don't understand that "ashamed" bit either. It's not like she's some naive 18-year-old that you're taking advantage of. A 24-year-old is an adult, and there are plenty of mature, level-headed 24-year-olds out there (I like to consider myself one of them). My ex was 11 years older than me. Most people didn't even notice it, and if they did, it was more of a "Wow, nice job, bro!" reaction. How can you go about fixing it? Tell her everything you told us here. That you were too insecure at the beginning of the relationship to let her know how much you liked her. That you acted like a dick and you want to make it up to her. Introduce her to your friends and family.
Rafaela Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Thats not fair for her at all, i am going through the same situation with my boyfriend he is quit hiding me from his colleagues, friends and family and its really pissing me off even he told me that he doesnt like to share his private life with others, but hello i dont read minds, what about if thats turns to something ugly, that you are not taking this serious at all i am in breaking up period with my BF just because of what u are talking about excatly, and let me tell you what i have find out that he was dating different girls in his work place thats why he was hiding me from everyone afraid from others to tell the truth about him. man up if you really want her, be proud of her and introduce her to everyone you know so she cant feel insecure.
Feelsgoodman Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Yeah her self esteem is really low, but it wasn't in the beginning... i can pretty much take full blame for that. I don't think she's planning on "putting up" with me much longer though... I really don't care about the ex, it wasn't even the real reason anyway. Just something I spit out bc I didn't want to tell her that I was ashamed of the age gap. Though now I'm seeing that would have been MUCH better than the ex excuse. I couldn't possibly feel worse about this. I want to make it right. Why would you be ashamed about the age gap?? If it was the other way around and you were 24 and she was 37, I could see why you'd be ashamed. However, there is absolutely nothing wrong with dating a younger woman. Don't let the feminist brainwashing mess with your head.
Author Georgio Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 How can you go about fixing it? Tell her everything you told us here. That you were too insecure at the beginning of the relationship to let her know how much you liked her. That you acted like a dick and you want to make it up to her. Introduce her to your friends and family. I get where you're coming from, and yes I think honesty might assuage some of her fear. However i'm pretty sure if at this point I come out and tell her all this stuff... I dunno putting myself in her shoes if someone said to me "So sorry you feel like crap, don't worry about it though cause the past 7 months have been a giant mind f***, unfortunately it's a symptom of my love..." Pretty sure that's going to make her head explode. I was hoping for a "Just be amazing from here on in" kinda deal... I'm guessing I'm going to have to explain though... Why would you be ashamed about the age gap?? If it was the other way around and you were 24 and she was 37, I could see why you'd be ashamed. However, there is absolutely nothing wrong with dating a younger woman. Don't let the feminist brainwashing mess with your head. Not everybody is cool about that stuff... I don't hang out with people that much younger than me, she WILL be treated... Differently. I don't really care anymore though. I just want her to know that she's it for me. I'll introduce her to anyone she wants.
bikinibeach Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 wow i think i'd go beyond "jerky" to downright moronic. lovely. and to think i thought older men were preferable to younger due to maturity! immaturity along with ....ear hair, beer bellies and receding hairline? not a difficult decision you are a pos. plain and simple. if this girl is dumb enough to keep a loser like you around, maybe she deserves it...
FeelingSmall Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 you are a pos. plain and simple. if this girl is dumb enough to keep a loser like you around, maybe she deserves it... While I pretty much agree, I'm guessing the reason she's stayed around is bc you're not always such a pos? At least I'm hoping that is the case. Otherwise bikinibeach is right. If she sticks around to be treated that way... Meh, walking doormat, much?
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