Kazmi Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Since the day he chased my bus http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t283122/ I've been going through some weird process... On Saturday I found myself so pissed off over him that I refused to get out of bed Yeah, sounds weird, pissed off... I couldn't find a logical excuse for him chasing that freakin' bus, and it looked to me as a selfish act.. Sounds logical to me if a guy can chase a bus to see my face he can as well contact me and tell me he's been dating his ex while giving me bear hugs through the months from the breakup (long story). I just cried in bed that day, out of anger (yeah, I cry as reaction to almost all of my feelings, nothing unusual ). He is guilt eaten, as far as I can see... I'm not mad at him now, I just feel a bit helpless, because I can't do a thing... I promised myself not to contact him ever again, the ball is in his court and if wants something he can chase a bus again for me. 2 weeks of NC, it isn't much but the time passes with ease, I already had the chance not to talk with him over a month. This morning while half asleep my subconscious just injected thoughts into my mind.. I felt hopeless... "He will never contact you, you know" "You will never be together" And some other part of my mind replied - "then I'm confused, why did he chase that bus?" Yeah, I sound delusional, but I honestly can't find a reason for him to chase that bus, and... he knows its my bus, which frustrates me, I don't give a damn if he needed it - up until now he didn't go on buses that I could've been on! I just started crying this morning.. I've been through so much since the breakup, it's been almost 5 months and I'm a totally different person. I'm a very strong person, as I found out, and I can appreciate myself more.. People even react to me differently - since I remember myself I didn't have friends, and now people want me to come around at weekend and keep inviting me to lunches and get disappointed when I don't show up . I saw my college teacher at April (we had some ending ceremony or something like that), after a year of now seeing her and she told me "you look so beautiful, you have such a different aura" I'm different, and others notice it too. With all that I still look back and feel that I didn't get gain as much as I lost.. It doesn't seem worth it... My heart hurts... I can't seem to find the joy in things in life, even though I try my best... I play video games, I read books, I put efforts into being more social... And no matter how hard I try - it seems so gray without him there... I feel so desperate, feels like a black hole is starting to form beneath me and I don't have the strength to hold myself from being suck in. The annoying part is that I'm sick and I'm "grounded" home, becuase I may have chicken pox (and in my age it's... dangerous), it's like being forced to be stuck with two figures - lonliness and sadness - inside a box and being forced to listen to their depressing thoughts. GRRR.
Recommended Posts