OhMittens Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 After 4.5 years and a brief separation last year, the relationship needed to end. We are just not compatable as romantic partners and we were in a very unhealthy relationship for the majority of our time together. Even though I know that, it's still hard to let everything go. Quite simply we both could not be happy with the relationship. When one was happy the other was unhappy because we had to bend so much as we were uncompatable. We own a home together and are currently on separate floors of the house until one of us is able to move out. I don't know what else to right, so ask questions and I can answer them to help clear up my situation to help anyone reading and willing to help to understand me better.
Author OhMittens Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 well, at least you accept it needs to end.... Yes, and that's about the only thing I have going for me. We tried to make things work for years. Even before we moved into an apartment together, had any animals, and before we purchased this house. We needed different things out of a relationship and out of life and it caused a lot of bending. When it got to the point where one person could be happy the other person was miserable. It's hard thinking of moving on since this was my only real relationship (24 now) and to think of her moving on as well. I tried for a long time to make her happy but I just ended up unhappy with my life and pretty much giving up what I enjoyed and what I wanted out of life in order to try and make her happy. Accepting that things needed to end only helps as far as hopefully knowing not to try again.
Author OhMittens Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 She didn't come home last night after leaving for the day. I know I should try not to worry so much but I took care of her for years and now I don't even know if she's alive.
Author OhMittens Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 I still haven't seen her. I go through times when I accept how things are and then through misery. I wish I knew how to keep my mind off of her and the life that we had. Why is it that when you're without someone you can focus on the good times much better than when you are with them? I know the sadness outweighed the happiness most of the time but I still find myself caught up in remembering the good times and wondering if things could have worked out.
marqueemoon4 Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 it always works this way, the one who leaves focuses only on negatives while the one who is left puts the dumper on a pedestal.
Author OhMittens Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 it always works this way, the one who leaves focuses only on negatives while the one who is left puts the dumper on a pedestal. Well I was the one who left. I tried for years to make it work but I just couldn't make her happy. It seemed like anything I did upset her. I stopped doing things I enjoyed and seeing people that I liked because she would get upset by it. I missed two seasons of football and baseball, and stopped playing games and seeing my family as much as I wanted to because it was something that upset her. It took breaking up last year for her to not get quite as upset when I did things I enjoyed without her. But still this past season I missed about half of the superbowl because she was upset. I found myself taking care of her so much that I forgot who I was totally and never had an opportunity to grow as a person, just mold into the person she wanted me to be. But then I realized that we were not compatible and what we did and had in life was what she wanted. Now I'm in a house that I really don't want and have to continue to pay for. Looking back I would have spent more time in an apartment and paid off my student loans and got out of all the rest of my debt before buying a house. I do have a good job so I manage fairly easy, but it still would have been nice to have everything else paid off (would have taken maybe 2 years longer) and purcahsed a better house in another area.
Conscience Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Keep being strong man! Now its your time! You have at one point in your life to be selfish and think about yourself.... put yourself on a pedestal and do what you want to do! This will require you some time to figure out as you may be lost presently... I was in a similar situation not in a similar relationship but situation where I didn't even know what color's I liked anymore! Or what kind of clothes I liked ! OK I knew what kind of car I liked but that's another story lol.... For me what worked was to find a new passion and true that passion it helped me find who I really was and what I liked... Ultimately this made me very happy I smile allot.... and what does that do ? Well it attracts women allot! I know you probably don't care about other women right now but truth be told it helps allot when other women pay attention to you.... Hope this helps
coolheadal Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 You sound focus and got your head on tight. Your young and things well work out for in the end. Good luck and put her behind you for now!
Author OhMittens Posted June 24, 2011 Author Posted June 24, 2011 Thanks both of you. I'm going to try to take this one day at a time. At times I feel confident then at others I'm just miserable. Guess it comes with the territory.
Author OhMittens Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 Some days are just easier than others. Overall I was able to have a fairly decent weekend and even had a bit of fun. I assume she took our trip to the beach and I expected her home last night. I was worried about seeing her for the first time in awhile and for some reason excited as well. Well she never came back to the house and it leaves me worried about her well being (I know, not my job right?). And with her gone and not knowing when she might show up it really messes up my schedule as I don't want to have company over until we figure everything out about that and until she shows up I need to make sure I take care of everything in the house and all of the animals. If she is not coming back then I wish she would let me know because all of this uncertainty is really playing with my head. If I could prepare for her coming home after work then I would know what I was dealing with, if I knew she was staying somewhere else for however long I could be prepare for that also. But she never mentioned anything to me and I can make no real plans as I don't know when she is going to show up. I am confliced on whether or not I should try to contact her regarding this. On one hand I know it would help me some, but on the other I shouldn't be butting in on her life and she is free to stay wherever she feels like. Any suggestions on anything?
Author OhMittens Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 (edited) Well she came back the other day from her vacation. I guess she is ok anyways. She left last night around 6PM and got back after midnight. I sure hope she had a wonderful date and night. She's out dating already while I'm being diagnosed with depression by my therapist and being told that I need to take antidepressants. One minute you're feeling ok and suddenly you're up thinking about blowing your brains out and the only thing that stops you is that you're worried that doing so will negatively affect other people. Even though I had to be the one to end it neither one of us truly wanted it to end. It was just years and years of effort and getting next to nowhere. My therapist says that we were not compatible as romantic partners and we both needed to find people we are more compatiable with. A big part of me is glad she is moving on, but it being so quickly makes me think she hasn't healed and is just going to be hurt more. Everytime I see her I just want to pull her into my arms and hold her and make her feel better, and to feel like I could make her happy. But I know that would only last a short while then it would go back to not being able to make one another happy again. Ugh if I was more selfish and didn't care about how I affect others I might just go ahead and end it all. Feels like not existing would be much easier than the pain I'm feeling. Edited June 29, 2011 by OhMittens
Steen719 Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Mittens, The pain you feel right now will not always be there. If your therapist has recommended an antidepressant, go get the prescription filled today and start taking it. It takes a little while to start working. Call your therapist today since you are feeling so down and see if you can get in for even just a few minutes so that you can find a little relief from talking about how you feel and getting some concrete ideas on what to do to make yourself feel better. Your W has moved on and trying to keep her with you will just hurt you. Spend time with friends or family and let them help you. Have friends over; she is not concerned about you when she is out and you need friends over right now. Friends want to help when things are bad. Finally. Mittens, please do not think about ending it. The way you feel today is not how you will always feel. Your family and friends would be bereft that you did not trust them to help you. We all have the potential to improve our own situations until we take our last breath (naturally). You will feel better, really you will.
buster2209 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 (edited) Mittens, I am going through the almost exact same position you are in right now. I am dealing with this by dumping all my feelings on a good friend of mine. He's a real friend and understands my need to do that. I can ring him 24/7 and he will answer and will listen to me no matter what I am talking about. Cry if you want. It's ok. I've been doing it also. It's also ok to be a selfish prick. I'm currently being one as it's the only way I can find the strength to follow through with my decision and not fall back into old habits. And remember, just because your ex-partner is out dating and whatever doesn't mean she is having fun. The euphoric feeling of when I told my wife it's over was awesome but then I came back down. Hard. That's when a good friend really helps. In some respects, it's harder to do the dumping than being dumped particularly when you are trying to spare the other person unnecessary pain. Stop living with her. Crash at a friend's place or something. Your head will keep spinning and crashing whilst you have to deal with her on a daily basis. Remove yourself from the situation and I bet you wont feel as depressed. Remember why you are doing this. You know in your heart, like I do in mine, that you will never find true happiness with this person and the longer you prolong the inevitable, the harder it will be to leave them. You don't need to end your life. Being a real man means you are comfortable enough with yourself to be honest with yourself. Be honest to yourself and you will love the person you see in the mirror. Edited June 30, 2011 by buster2209
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