just_scott Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 K this is how i view the ''No Contact''.k i'm the dumpee ,my girl just up and left me ,leaing a box of jewelery i've givin her over the 4 yrs we were together on my counter.no goodbye,no letter,no saying anything,not even a hand shake goodbye.it totally came out of the blue. we were together 4 yrs.we were friends first for about 2 yrs.we've never raised our voices to each other,always said loving things to each other. Towards the end she was being distant from me .i'd ask what's wrog she'd say she's fine , or just has a lot on her mind ,never said it was me . the way she just walked out was s***y , she's told people in the past many times se loves me ,could never hurt nor want to hurt me etc . After she walked out and i found the jewelery on my counter, i called her and asked what happend , what have i done ,her reply was i did nothing wrong -it's her .i said after 4 yrs together you don't just up and leave someone without a reason that's not very respectful ,she said their doesn't always need o be a reason [k i think she's confused and fragile ] .all i asked was to help me understand why she left ,sit down face to face with me and have a heart to heart After we talk if she wants to delete me from her life she can ,she says she has nothing to say,WE can be friends ,not the kind that go out and do anything together the kind that call each other once in a while and say hi . She left me a month ago ,i'm hurt,sad,confused,eel alone ,anger etc . I believe if you have an issue with someone you've been involved with for yrs then you sit down with the person and communicate. we always have before [we had small issues never anything big ], TO me if she doesn't tell me what's wrong it can't be worked on,AND the longer this ''No Contact'' goes on the deeper down she'll push the feelings for me . I believe now she is seeing someone else , i think she may have met the guy while we were still together [maybe her friends set her up with him or something ]we've talked about cheating and lieing in the past and both swore and agreed we wouldn't do that to each other,she was cheated on before we met and she knows the horrable feelings that the other feels . I think she's scaared or embarrased to talk with me . BUT with the ''No Contact'' wont she be consintrating on this new guy and not thinking of me or thinking she hurt me ,or the longer she's with the new guy chances of re consiliation are getting slimmer for me the one she said has done nothing ? it's inevidable we are going to run into each other somewhere [a store,a park,a festival] maybe she'll be with this new guy ,maybe alone either way she'll probably try to avoid me like the plague . that's why i think if we talked it would be a good thing .Hell i eve sai after 4 yrs do i get to know what happend or do i get that one more shot .she says nothings happend and doesn't know about me getting another shot .the ''No Contact'' is makingg me believe what's she's told me in the past were lies,and she doesn't respect me ,and the jewelery i gave her meant nothing to her.soo this pushes me away from wanting to hear her or reconcile . it's verry confusing . why can't we just talk like adults and deal with whatever issue instead of this ''No Contact'' game that she initiated ,you don't just loose feelings for someone you've saids done nothing wrong after 4 good years .
superchiefs Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Actually, if you stay in contact with her, she will know that she still has you on standby, so she will continue to see the new guy, and then if things dont work out with him, she will still have you up until she meets yet another guy. At least that is the way I think it usually works. I am sort of in the same boat as you.
Author just_scott Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 i see what you're saying ,IT'S just with me the longer this ''No Contacting'' stays the more i'm being pushed away and when she's ready to talk i'll be well i gave you the chances to talk to me when this all happend and you blew me off so F you . IT took 2 people to start this relationship as adults , i just think k she doesn't wnt to be in a relationship with me then like an adult look me in the eyes and tell me and tell me why , at least i'd have some closeure and would think she does respect me and my feelings . WHEN i had issues with her i've called her like a person and said hey can you stop by later i'd like to talk with you about something .They were small issues and we together burried them ,i found out things and i respected her and her feelings enough to tell her to her face ,i didn't hide the things and let them fester or get blown out of proportion . guess i just want respect and fairness back AND i know you can't make someone give you them.
usabup Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 i see what you're saying ,IT'S just with me the longer this ''No Contacting'' stays the more i'm being pushed away and when she's ready to talk i'll be well i gave you the chances to talk to me when this all happend and you blew me off so F you . IT took 2 people to start this relationship as adults , i just think k she doesn't wnt to be in a relationship with me then like an adult look me in the eyes and tell me and tell me why , at least i'd have some closeure and would think she does respect me and my feelings . WHEN i had issues with her i've called her like a person and said hey can you stop by later i'd like to talk with you about something .They were small issues and we together burried them ,i found out things and i respected her and her feelings enough to tell her to her face ,i didn't hide the things and let them fester or get blown out of proportion . guess i just want respect and fairness back AND i know you can't make someone give you them. Yeah I completly understand where you are coming from mate. That is one of the worst parts of a break up, feeling like you have been disrespected by the person you trusted the most. Although its hard, I think you have to try and look at it from her perspective too. Everyone deals with these situations in their own way. Some people like to sit down face to face and get it all out, while others run as far away as they can. They don't face up to how they feel and they just bury it. But, these are the kind of people that end up contacting you a month or two down the line because what they did has finally hit them! I'm like you, I like to talk about things like adults. But my ex wanted to run. I soon realised the more I pushed for answers, the further and faster she would run away. No contact sucks and in a lot of ways it is immature. BUT, unfortunatly, sometimes it is the best route to take. I know you are very frustrated now, but in time you will get most of the answers you need, if not from her then you will end up working them out yourself. Good luck mate, keep your head up.
wilsonx Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Look man, Ive been dealing with this for almost 4 weeks now and I use to have your philosophy but it ****ing sucks waking up everyday and having to deal with her when shes with another guy. My 23 year old ex left me for a 37 year old movie theater cook that lives in a trailer park (How do you think my ego is coping). I know that relationship will not last at all but the fact is its now about YOU, not your relationship. You are in the same thought process that I was in 4 weeks ago. The difference between your relationship and mine is my ex was still sleeping with me after she broke up with me to try to string me along. Everyday the dumb hooker emails me, texts me and calls me, it sends me back to day 1 all over again. I am starting to seriously resent my ex and get as insane as you are and not think straight. You need to go NC so that you can start thinking straight. Its going to take you a while and thats what the purpose of NC is. Its not going to happen in 1 day, or 1 week or even 1 month. I knew my relationship was over from about 5 weeks before it was over but I didnt smash it into the ground myself but hindsight is 20/20. So I have a little bit of mental leap ahead and have an understanding of what went wrong in the relationship. She has GIGS. There is absolutely no way I could have prevented this or done anything to stop it. Nothing Stay NC, keep yourself busy, find fun things to do that you want to do, http://www.teamwaar.com see if they have anything you are interested in your area. http://www.meetup.com as well is another good site to keep yourself busy
ItsRainingAgain Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Like the other posters are saying to you and will ...NC is for YOU... My boyfriend dumped me out of the blue...this is the worst breakup that can happen to anyone...because there is no closure. I tried to reach out to him the first couple of weeks sfter the break and he was so angry, I didn't know about the NC until I ran into this site...OMG it did help me and guess what...yesterday (5 Weeks later) he stopped by where I was working ...and guess what...I don't feel like I need closure anymore. NC all the way! Don't break it...if you are feeling like you are going to break it come to LS and reach out to the members here.
WTRanger Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 No contact only works when you finally realize that you are better than a backup plan. If you are happy with being an option to someone, then by all means, keep doing what you are doing. Keep in contact with her if you are okay with being a boyfriend in a glass case. You know, break in case of emergency. I mean, she dumped you out of the blue. She treated you like dirt. She's hooked up with someone new. And you actually want this parasite back in your life? After how crappy she's treated you, you are still concerned with how she feels? You are still destroying your own emotions and life in an effort to get this girl back? Come on man! You need to be concerned with you and you alone. Put yourself first for once. And, no, that's not being selfish either. You can only make you happy. That's it.
carhill Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 why can't we just talk like adults and deal with whatever issue instead of this ''No Contact'' game that she initiated ,you don't just loose feelings for someone you've saids done nothing wrong after 4 good years . Even if you have 'the talk', emotions often overrule intellect. IOW, you may understand and accept cognitively that 'it's over' and 'why', but emotionally you're still attached and desire that 'fix' of contact. Think of it like in-patient alcohol de-tox, except the drug is 1000 times more addictive than alcohol. That's an exaggeration but you get my point. No contact works, even with the most unhealthy of attachments. Eventually, the brain adjusts. If difficulty in detachment is a consistent problem (I identified it as such for myself), then professional help is a good option to consider. With such help, it's far easier to manage detachments from relationships of all sorts and a side effect is that it feels better (more positive) too. It was what it was and now it's done and we move on.
TheHurtProcess Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 You're exactly where I was about a month ago when my ex suddenly just stopped talking to me for no apparent reason. You have to realize that you may never get a genuine answer. I haven't gotten answers to the majority of my questions, therefore I can only predict my own answers and theorize "why?". "No contact" isn't necessarily about trying to get the other person back, it's about taking the time to heal yourself, time to close up the wounds and move on with your life. I personally believe that the best option is to merely "accept" that the relationship is truly over and try to move on. I know it's a sad situation and it's going to be very hard, but ever since I accepted the undeniable and absolute demise of my relationship, the stress just magically lifted itself from my shoulders and I felt as though I could honestly move on with my life. What's crazy is that my relationship only ended about a month ago and we were together and madly in love for the past 3 years. I still think about her all the time, but I don't see her as the person I fell in love with. That girl is long gone... Dead and buried. I feel as though I should be morning the death of the girl I loved rather than saying goodbye to the self-centered shell of her previous existence. Anyways, I took up some old hobbies that I gave up on while I was in the relationship as well as created some new goals and set deadlines for these goals, all to better my newly found "single" life and my future.
betterdeal Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 No contact is the start of closure. Contact is continuation of the relationship, except now the relationship consists of sh*tty conversations and heavy sh*t. I know people who have maintained that kind of crap relationship literally for years. Wasting years of their lives and missing out on some great moments to be had. No matter how you rationalise it, you will be contacting them to maintain a connection with them. When you get to the end of a book, and it leaves you with a cliff hanger, you don't go back and re-read the last page over and over, or agonise over it for months, looking for closure. It may smart, annoy, vex or perplex you, for a bit, but it will fade into history and you'll get on with your life soon enough. Drop it. Buy and read a copy of Getting Past Your Breakup, by Susan J Elliot
TearyEyedPride Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 You said it yourself... She said she doesn't have anything to say to you. That means there are no answers to be received because she doesn't have any to give. She let you go hun, and although it hurts... you have to let it go. If you keep pushing and keep trying to be relevant in her life when she has made it clear that at this point you can't be... then you're just making her resent you even more. STILL WITH NO ANSWERS. You need time to collect yourself, time to be alone, and she needs time without you to consider what it's like being truly without you. When you're dumped... the chances of reconciliation are super low anyways. We're here for you though.
2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Got the same thing from my ex, she would not talk, ignored me all of a sudden, and claimed everything was fine on her side, which i'm sure it was, otherwise she would have tried to talk it out, whatever the real reason was - she made up some cock and bull story and put the blame on me for her being angry. She did contact me a few times initially after BU after I initiated NC but all I did was reply in kind and said nothing more. She gave up and idk maybe she thought I would make a fuss over her but I didn't. I have stopped myself numerous times from contacting as the most frustrating thing is not getting full closure but all I have realised is that you have to let them go and get on and try and accept that you will probably never get closure. Anyway why would you want to be going out with someone who flakes on you like this every time there is a problem? 2011
Fufu Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 (edited) No Contact was seriously the biggest joke to me in the beginning.. but now. I totally LOVE and ADORE this joke because it makes me happy My opinion she is not interested to listen to you. Any people who still believe in the relationship and committed to it will not break up easily and then find have a new partner. Therefore, communication will not help to bring her back in this situation. Edited June 21, 2011 by Fufu
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