Can't forgive myself

[unforgiven13]

I'm not married but I was in a serious relationship for a few months. We had our issues but the biggest problem was his lying. Honesty is so important to me and I felt like how much do I really know about this person? How can I trust anything he says? He'd also make promises he apparently couldn't keep. We eventually broke up but niether one of us really wanted things to completely end. We still kept in touch and saw eachother when we could (its also a long distance relationship). I thought by breaking up something would click in his mind, he'd realize he could lose me and stop his lying. So I gave him another chance. We weren't technically together but trying to work towards getting back together. I found myself saying many times "I forgive you but I swear next time you lie its over, i cant do this anymore." He wouldnt stop lying, knowing our relationship was on the line and I was trying to trust him again. The biggest lie ended up being on my birthday. There were a lot of upsetting things going on for me so I was confiding in him. I asked him something important and he lied right to my face. I ended up finding out he lied and I was SHOCKED. It wasnt that he cheated on me or anything but it could have affected my health and he lied about who he was essentially. I was devasted, I couldnt believe what I just found out and that he had been lying to me about this the entire time we were together. I didnt know who he was anymore and I said it was over. I still loved him so much though and he cried and kept calling me and begging me to give him another chance and to not stop seeing him/still be in his life. I didnt know what to do but I told him I cannot trust him and wont be committed to him anymore so I dont think itd be a good idea to keep seeing eachother. He said he still wanted to be in my life even if i started seeing someone else and he'd keep trying to gain my trust back so we could be together again. It was too hard to flat out say I didnt want to see him anymore so we left it at that. I really didnt even know if he cared about me but I cared for him. A few times things would get kind of weird and Id have to remind him we were not together and Id always suggest maybe this is not a good idea and we shouldnt see eachother but he assured me thats not what he wanted and he'd keep in mind that we were not together. I started hanging out with this guy who was really just a friend but he had expressed to me that he liked me a lot. I really liked him as a friend but he claimed his feelings for me were getting stronger to the point where he was falling for me. Not knowing where my relationship was going with my ex or if he was still lying to me, I ended up kissing/having sex with my friend. It kind of happened out of nowhere one night and after I had a conversation with my ex where I told him i really didnt think anything would happen between my friend and I cause he just felt like a friend to me. And honestly I still loved my ex so much and I've never had sex with someone I wasnt in love with or in a relationship with. But he actually put the moves on me unexpectedly and I decided to try and go for it to see if I could like him and get over my ex. I didnt know if Id just get played by my ex again and regret hurting/pushing away my friend. I felt really awkward and did tell him to stop and pushed him away for a while but I eventually gave in. I felt bad/awkward/confused and i didnt think my ex would be hurt by it. He told me if I got with someone else he'd be pissed at the other guy but not with me. Before the sex was even over, I knew it was all wrong and I just wanted to tell my ex i forgive him for everything and I just want to be with him. I told my ex right away what happened and he was SO upset. I did not even imagine he'd react that way but he was exremely pissed off and hurt and upset with me. He still wanted to see me though. 2 months later and we are back together but every now and then he explodes with anger about what happened and ends up saying hurtful things to me. He says he thinks about it everyday and it still hurts him terribly but he wants more than anything to get over this and just be happy together. He has said he forgives me but I know he really doesnt and worst of all, i cant forgive myself. I went completely against my own beliefs/morals and feelings and I also ended up hurting my friend because I told him I didnt have feelings for him and we couldnt be friends anymore, and worst of all I hurt my boyfriend. It kills me everytime i think about it or see him upset over it. I regret it everyday for a million reasons. I believe in forgiveness for all and being happy and healthy but this is making me depressed. I wanted to be the one person who would never hurt him and Im afraid I ruined that forever. He says he felt like I cheated on him and I shouldnt have put him in that situation and been still seeing him if I was unsure about us. He knew we werent together and that I might see other people but it obviously still hurts and I still feel absolutely terrible about it. Ive never been the one to mess up and hurt the one I love like that, im used to getting hurt or being abused and cheated on. I cant live with myself right now. I want his forgiveness and I want to forgive myself. I'd appreciate anyones input if you've been in a similar situation or could help me somehow fix what I did or make him feel better somehow and help him heal. I cant stand seeing him hurt and knowing i did it. I feel like such a terrible person over one stupid mistake that i cant even believe I made. Am I a terrible person? Can we get through this? Any input would help. Thanks for reading.

[Untouchable_Fire]

An honest cheater dating a faithful liar...

 

What kind lies did this guy tell you? That makes a huge difference in this whole story.

 

Basically what it feels like to me is that you dumped your BF... who you knew still loved you so that you could have sex with another guy.

 

I know that probably was not your motivation... but that is how most guys will see it.

 

What to do about it... Seriously... You know that you didn't intend to hurt anyone, so focus first on forgiving yourself. Many people make mistakes like this at one point or another. Getting your BF to forgive you... ask him what he needs to get past it then do it. If he can't or won't then the relationship is doomed and that would not be your fault.

[unforgiven13]

I don't exactly want to talk about all the lies just to respect his privacy if anyone saw this. There were some small ones like he told me he wanted us to quit cigarettes together so I did and he said he did also. So everyday I'm encouraging him and telling him I'm so proud of him, come to find out he's been smoking the whole time.

Another sketchy thing had to do with this girl who he was in love with for years but never gave him the time of day. He told me he was completely over her and in fact he really disliked her as a person and didn't even want to be her friend. Some drama happened between his friends and her (they all know eachother) and he ended up messaging her online saying how he never said anything bad about her and misses her and gave her his cell and house number and was saying "oh call me if you want to hang anytime!" He told me he was just lying to her for some stupid reason. This all had to do with drugs btw which is annoying enough. Just marijuana but still. After that he also told me he'd never see her or talk to her ever again so I had nothing to worry about and one day he just tells me nonchalantly that he's going over her house cause one of his friends lives there I guess. Didn't even atleast tell me beforehand. He also told me nothing ever happened between them then I find out they have made out but he swears thats it. I had to find out through my dreams.

He just kinda says he'll do one thing and just do the opposite with no warning. The other lies are kind of personal but I think most people would agree it was messed up. Not something you should keep from someone you supposedly love and want to be with forever. I think most people might not even be able to handle the lie and would not want to pursue things with him.

I definitely didn't dump him to have sex with someone else. In fact when we broke up I believe he's the one who said we should. I've never had one night stands or slept around. Been in long term serious relationships since I started dating and those are the only people I've ever had sex with. He does think I lied to him though and maybe knew I was going to hook up with him. Although I was honest and told him at one point if I didnt love him I might be able to see myself with the other kid if i got to know him better or developed feelings for him. In my heart even though my bf hurt and betrayed me and I was confused, I couldn't actually see anything happening with anyone else while he was still in my life. I didn't actually know if my bf loved me. I just didn't think you could lie to someone so much if you love them. Also putting someone in danger and doing illegal things knowing you could go to jail for a long time, I wouldn't want to do that to my loved ones.

I ask him all the time what can I do to make up for this? He says he just needs time and I deserve forgiveness but he doesn't know when he'll be ready. I thought him wanting to get back together kinda meant he forgives me but apparently not.

I want to forgive myself, but as long as he doesn't forgive me I feel like I'll still be suffering. Sometimes I feel maybe I deserve to suffer but for how long? I just got out of a 3 yr abusive relationship with another guy shortly before I met him and I just can't let myself be in anymore unhealthy relationships. But I love him so much and he's a sweet person so I want this to work. Thank you for responding.

[Kidd]

As far as I can tell, you both knew you weren't committed when you slept with the other guy. Crazy position you had yourself in but he knew this could happen and accepted it. You need to stop blaming yourself. I would be very concerned about the lies you shared here. Sure sounds like he was the one cheating to me. But I suspect you're in denial (I'm the king of that one lately). Tell me this...why do you so suddenly think he's the one when you clearly had big issues with his dishonesty before? Being guilty yourself (if that's even true) doesn't make him suddenly a better person. Step back, use your head, and quit making emotional decisions. JMHO.

[jnj express]

You wern't cheating---you had broken up

 

As to your morals, and why you had sex, that's tween you, and your conscience---but be very clear to your lying BF---You DID NOT CHEAT ON HIM---You had no relationship at the point in time you slept with your buddy

 

IMHO---you need to dump both these guys, and find a whole new set of friends---they are both toxic for you---or do you enjoy living in misery

[rafallus]

I don't think it will work out - if it was going to, you wouldn't have broken up in the first place. Now, who knows how much resentment he holds against you for sleeping with the guy, even if you technically didn't cheat.

 

Generally, I consider on-off relationships to have already failed, because, again, why would you break up in the first place, if it's so good?

[unforgiven13]

Thank you all for responding.

 

Kidd- Yes he was well aware that we were broken up, we had been for a couple months at that point. I don't believe he would ever cheat on me. He's a good person and I just don't think he has it in him. Then again at one point I didn't think he had it in him to lie either. You can trust someone completely but in reality anything can change at any time and you never know what someone is capable of. Last night he ended up doing something once again without even thinking of the consequences and it made me start thinking of what you're essentially saying. It's almost like what I did, distracted me from everything he did. I addressed this with him today.

 

jnj express- I've asked him to stop saying I cheated and he says "well you essentially cheated." I understand why he says this, because we were still in contact and we still had feelings for each other. I reminded him of all the talks we had to have about how we are not together so he shouldn't confuse himself. No I absolutely dislike misery. Sometimes we do need to feel sorrow and experience troubles to learn and appreciate what we have, but I generally believe in being a content happy person regardless of what's going on. I want everyone around me to be happy as well, which is why this has been so hard for me to deal with. I feel terrible hurting people because I have known so much pain and betrayal myself. I cut ties with my ''friend'' the day after we had sex. I knew we couldn't be just friends and things would just be awkward seeing as how he apparently had feelings for me and it was not mutual. He thought we were going to be together even though I told him so many times I was still in love with my ex and I dont want to date him. I was dealing with two guys who thought I somehow belonged to them when at the time I didn't want any sort of commitment till my mind was clear. And I was honest with both of them at all times but sometimes people believe what they want.

 

rafallus- I somewhat agree with what you're saying but on the other hand, I've seen some people break up, re-unite and then live very happy lives together. Sometimes our timing is a bit off and we need time apart to make it work in the end. I have definitely been in one on/off relationship that I knew was doomed because the love had been sucked out of me through his abuse. If there is still love there and a true desire to be together and make it work, then I don't see why that can't happen. Anything is possible.

 

I don't mean to paint him in a bad picture, he's a kind-hearted person. Without a doubt the sweetest man I've ever known. He's done a lot of good for people but being around his family and learning more about his upbringing I've learned that honesty was not exactly a top priority. Very kind people but he was taught to bury things deep down and put on a smile. Some people are really taught that lying is okay because sometimes the truth hurts. He has shown me recently that he realizes that's not right and he told me about a secret he has kept from everyone including his family, since he was a kid. He also ended up telling his mom and is working up to telling his friends. I think because he held onto these secrets he created this pattern of lying because that's what he knew. He's not a bad person for that and I forgive him. I just hope he gives me the same compassion and forgiveness. Again, thanks for the input, I don't really have anyone else I could talk to about this. Thanks