Struggling to understand and cope. What happened?

[Green21]

Hello everyone,

 

This is my first post here, but I hope that doesn't put you off. Whilst searching the internet trying to look for answers, I came across this forum and I would appreciate any help and advice you can provide.

 

Last year, I met a girl and shortly afterwards got together with her. After spending a short while away from her because of geographical constraints (currently, we are about 400 miles apart), we realised that we were both hung up on each other.

 

Although we've never lived close to each other, we always made the effort to spend as much time as possible together. Whether that meant travelling up and down the UK to spend weekends together or attending functions that were of interest to both of us. We phoned or texted each other almost every single day and were never out of contact for an extended period of time. The more time that went by, the more we both realised that the other person was very special indeed; we were completely serious about each other and we'd made it clear that we were planning on being together for the long run.

 

Then, at the beginning of 2011, she started a career in the armed forces. Although this meant that we could not see each other as much, we still call each other as much as possible. Every leave weekend she had we spent together, either at her home or mine. We never stopped loving each other or being happy together, and we remained determined that things would last forever.

 

Last weekend was one of those leave weekends. She came up tired and stressed out from how things were going at work. She had had a rough time recently, but it still seemed like our relationship was normal and I wanted to make this a great weekend for both of us. Earlier that week, I had secured a new job much closer to where her home is and finished my studies at university. I had spent the early part of this year worried about not being able to find work after graduating and then all my Christmases seemed to come in two days, so was in high spirits.

 

Then, after seeing that she still felt troubled, I tried asking her to open her feelings to me. It seemed that the stress of army life was taking its toll and she felt she didn't miss me as much. Whilst everything seemed okay between us, she suddenly decided she needed to get away and take a break from us.

 

Last Wednesday, she called to tell me that it was over. She didn't love me anymore. She said she didn't know what changed her mind.

 

This was a complete shock and a total nightmare to me. I pleaded to her not to do this, to give it time and not do anything rash but she wouldn't listen. All of a sudden, we went from spending our happiest moments together to breaking up. I can't understand how this could happen, although my own views are that the stress in the army was taking her mind off the outside world. I didn't care if she couldn't devote as much time to me at present, but I genuinely believed that, after her training course finished, things would start getting a lot better for both of us. I couldn't believe she wouldn't even give it a chance.

 

Since then, I have being tearing myself apart. I find it impossible to concentrate, I can't eat, I'm unable to sleep and my body is trembling and shaking the whole time. I can't stop thinking about her and I miss her terribly (she used to say that she missed me so much that it sometimes hurt physically).

 

I write this now because today was supposed to be our 1 year anniversary. On the 20th of every month, we'd always made a point to make the day special and thank the other person for the wonderful memories we had, only to look forward to many more in the future. Yet, all of a sudden she's gone. If you're able to offer any advice, it would mean so much to me. What could possibly have gone wrong so suddenly? What can I do to make myself feel better (given how devoted we were to each other, it's hard to just move on now)? Will it ever be possible for things to mend? Is there a chance she could change her mind? Also, should I try and contact her today given how important this date would have been to us?

 

Thank you in advance

[archivist]

I am in a very similar situation to you, circumstances are different, she fly's away 3 times a month. But I can completely relate to how you are feeling, reading your emotions I feel all of that too. I just wanted to say you are not alone. I don't really have any advice to give on this situation now, otherwise I wouldn't be posting along side you.

 

But drawing from my break up, stay strong, it gets better as time goes on. It has only been a day for me, but I feel that I am better emotionally equipped to deal with this this time round.

 

I think we are both at the stage of hope in that we would do anything to get things back to how they were. Only the next few days/months will we get a better understanding of the whole situation.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

What could possibly have gone wrong so suddenly?

I'm assuming that both of you are fairly young, you said she joined the armed forces. I'm assuming that she is seeing her friends in the armed forces out enjoying life while being single. maybe she feels that being in a relationship is holding her back from enjoying life with her new friends? but honestly I doubt you will get a solid reason as to why she left you.

 

What can I do to make myself feel better (given how devoted we were to each other, it's hard to just move on now)?

No Contact is the hardest, but it's also the most effective. Time and Discipline will get you through just stay strong and keep yourself busy.

 

 

Will it ever be possible for things to mend?

why wouldn't it be possible? at this point your possibilities have really opened up. just think about it, you can meet someone that truly loves you and move on or, although slight, there is a chance she will come back.

 

 

Is there a chance she could change her mind?

Yes she could, but usually when this happens the dumpee is over them and turns them down.

 

 

Also, should I try and contact her today given how important this date would have been to us?

No, the date WAS important but it's irrelevant now. I'm sure she will know what day it is and probably be thinking of you but do not contact her. every time you contact her it just prolongs the pain and healing.

[dreamscape123]

the point is guys, you are not alone. Thats the good thing about this forum, lots of like minded people going through , or have been through the exact same thing. I also have a similar situation. My break up happened over a month ago. I get good days and bad days... Keep posting and talking to people on here, you will be talking to people who understand.... Thing is, you go through lots of different emotions, especially when you dont see the break up comeing, ( which i didnt in my situation ) It is a massive shock... and like both of you, I wish things would go back to how they were... But you need to at least start to concider that they may not.... I m just starting to come to terms with that, but at first it is impossible to see you actually do have a future.... My ex dumped me, then a week later went off with a new guy, after 19 months together in what was what i thought was a perfect relationship. We had started to discuss the future, and getting married and having a family one day... then suddenly... off she went... Like you , my ex went away for work... and everything was completely fine before.... so who knows why this stuff happens.... but unfortunatly it does !!!! and it hurts like hell....... One piece of common advice on here you will get is no contact... This is to help you in the healing process. It can be used as a tool to attempt to get your ex back, but mainly is for your own piece of mind.... Its very hard but try it.....

[dreamscape123]

HeartOfAPhoenix - Good advice there again... Makes a lot of sense what you have pointed out....

[Green21]

Thanks guys. The support and advice really means a lot and I'm going to take it on board.

 

Obviously, it doesn't satisfy me to know there are others in the same boat, but I'm glad that there are kind souls willing to help out. I don't know if I can ever understand how this happened. Everything seemed perfect between us and we never fought once. I've never experienced a break up like this, which was completely out of the blue, and I don't know what more I could have done for her.

 

That said, I'm going to try the no contact rule and try to keep my chin up. I may never find out why this happened, but if I can move on then I may never need to.

[Green21]

I'm assuming that both of you are fairly young, you said she joined the armed forces. I'm assuming that she is seeing her friends in the armed forces out enjoying life while being single. maybe she feels that being in a relationship is holding her back from enjoying life with her new friends? but honestly I doubt you will get a solid reason as to why she left you.

 

I'm 27, she's 24. That's maybe true, but it seemed that she was enjoying life despite the hardships that her work caused. Until recently, but we both agreed before she started (naively, I suppose) that we'd overcome any problems she faced. Moreover, even a few of her friends there described me as a keeper.

 

Thank you for your advice. I'm going to take all that you said on board and hope that things get better.

[Kilty]

Sorry to hear that mate - sounds a complete pisser.

 

Without doubt the best thing to do is keep your self respect and dignity and do not go pleading or begging.

 

Trust me - 99.9% of the time it never works and has the opposite effect.

 

Your mind will be making decisions based on your emotions just now and you will be obsessing about why this happened - going over the relationship constantly.

 

Sometimes ignorance is bliss and in this case i definitely think so.

 

Just try and get your own closure - dont go looking for answers.

 

The best thing to do is just accept her decision and give her space.

 

Not contacting her will possibly get her thinking.

 

If it was a good relationship (i know LDR's are horrendous to keep together) then there is a chance she will be in touch but dont put all your hopes on it.

 

Make sure you keep on top of your emotions if and when she does and act cool

[Green21]

Wow, thank for you the article, Jason. There's a lot of reading there, but I've been taking it on board along with trying to absorb as much material from elsewhere as I can. It's all been very useful to me and, although my outlook is far from rosy, I'm coping better than I did last weekend.

 

I'm doing what I can to keep busy. Although even that's not been easy (since my favourite activities were also her favourites too), I'm not being distracted from doing them. That said, last night whilst walking home, I had a long, sad moment where all I could think of was our relationship but I'm managing not to do anything I might regret. After the breakup, I ended up writing a long letter to her, thanking her for the relationship, but also asking her to let me know why this had to happen (and possibly reconsider as well). In hindsight, I shouldn't have sent it to her (although it was done with good intentions and I was also returning a magazine that she'd lent me), but she would have received it last Friday. I don't know if she's looked at it and I've neither spoken to nor heard from her since.

 

It's still early days. I would do anything I could to have her back again, but I know that's not my decision to make. I don't know how long it's going to take to recover; I honestly thought things between us were perfect and then next thing I knew I was dumped. So much so that (although she didn't know this) I was planning on proposing to her once we both managed to find our feet in the real world. It's things like that which make it feel worse, but I've felt better this week than at any point before Monday.

[dreamscape123]

I'm doing what I can to keep busy. Although even that's not been easy (since my favourite activities were also her favourites too), I'm not being distracted from doing them. That said, last night whilst walking home, I had a long, sad moment where all I could think of was our relationship......

 

It's still early days. I would do anything I could to have her back again, but I know that's not my decision to make. I don't know how long it's going to take to recover; I honestly thought things between us were perfect and then next thing I knew I was dumped. So much so that (although she didn't know this) I was planning on proposing to her once we both managed to find our feet in the real world. It's things like that which make it feel worse, but I've felt better this week than at any point before Monday.

 

 

I think most people including me on this forum know what you are going through here....