superchiefs Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Why do I keep allowing myself to get hurt by this same girl? After 5.5 years and getting engaged, she broke things off with me 2 months ago. I proceeded to still see her for another 5 weeks, then after things werent going anywhere, I cut off contact. Then she messaged me today, telling me she missed my friendship. Everyone on here told me not to respond, but after mulling it over for 12 hours, I gave in. The next thing I know, I have a 2.5 hour conversation with her where she tells me she wishes things could have played out differently, that right now she doesnt know what she wants, she has been spending time with another guy but he isnt her boyfriend and that she just cant let me go which is why she keeps contacting me. Her exact words: "You are a great guy. I loved you and I still love you, despite what you may think, but I wasn't ready to get married and I wasn't ready to go backwards at the time." So then I asked her what she wanted right now and she responded with: "I dont know what I want, I'm still working through a lot of ****" And she just kept apologizing over and over. She also said she has been battling severe depression and that she is going to see a therapist tomorrow. So now I am full of pain all over again. I know you guys are probably getting sick of giving me advice, and then me not following it, but what should I do now? Do I just deal with this pain again and then go back to cutting off contact with her?
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 yes deal with the pain and go NC. Then she messaged me today, telling me she missed my friendship. shouldn't have responded and here's why. 1. I assume you want a romantic relationship with this person, she said friendship. 2. you could respond to this in any way and give her an ego boost. 3. your healing needs to start over again. I'll read your threads and probably post again after I know your situation, but here's my initial thought.
Author superchiefs Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 yes deal with the pain and go NC. shouldn't have responded and here's why. 1. I assume you want a romantic relationship with this person, she said friendship. 2. you could respond to this in any way and give her an ego boost. 3. your healing needs to start over again. I'll read your threads and probably post again after I know your situation, but here's my initial thought. You are correct on all 3 points. On number 2, her ego definitely was boosted because she had been posting on her twitter negative feelings the last several days, but shortly after she talked to me, she posted "Today was a Good Day"
geegirl Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 You keep going back because -- You have hope. You are in denial. You want to be with her so badly. Nothing has changed Super. It is what is it. You have to accept that no amount of going back and getting the hammer over the head is going to change anything. You keep going back thinking, maybe this is it. Nope, it's all an ego boost for her. You keep going back and getting your wound gouged over and over again. Step back. Be still. Feel the pain. It will come in waves. It's not easy. You have to give NC a chance. You have to give yourself a chance. What's the alternative?
smudge21 Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same results? Yeah, in these situations I think we can all relate to that. You need to say goodbye to her and then go NC. The reason I say tell her goodbye is because if you don't, like my ex, she will feed you bread crumbs and try to get you talking every now and then, and you'll never heal. It will be tough, but nothing will change until you change it. She clearly doesn't know what she wants (some people never do) but having you around isn't helping her work that out - you're like a comfort blanket that's always there, to fall back on when she needs to. You need to step back and let her deal with her issues, whilst you deal with yours. It will be tough, real tough. And there will be times when you fall, but that just means you pick yourself back up and start again. Going NC is never easy, I'm there now and feel that pain so much lately. But it is often the only thing you can do.
Author superchiefs Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 Well, it has been almost 13 hours since I talked to her last and I am feeling much better emotionally, other than I am pretty tired because I only got about 3 hours of sleep because I think I had some heavy anxiety after talking to her. I made it over 11 days this past time without any contact, then she sent me the message, I lasted almost 12 hours and then I responded. So hopefully the next time she reaches out to me, I will find the strength to not reply.
geegirl Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Well, it has been almost 13 hours since I talked to her last and I am feeling much better emotionally, other than I am pretty tired because I only got about 3 hours of sleep because I think I had some heavy anxiety after talking to her. I made it over 11 days this past time without any contact, then she sent me the message, I lasted almost 12 hours and then I responded. So hopefully the next time she reaches out to me, I will find the strength to not reply. I suggest you print this out and the next time she does this again, read the printout and apply it rationally and realistically. You need to, at some point grasp and hold on to the lesson that's coming along with getting hurt over and over again. Let this thread be a reminder to you of what potential pain you will have to face when you break NC again.
Author superchiefs Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 Ok, I just surpassed 18 hours and I must say that I am having some pain creep back in along with a desire to contact her to find out how her therapy session went today. However, I know if I do contact her, the pain will be even worse so I am fighting it.
geegirl Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Ok, I just surpassed 18 hours and I must say that I am having some pain creep back in along with a desire to contact her to find out how her therapy session went today. However, I know if I do contact her, the pain will be even worse so I am fighting it. The pain is going to creep back no matter how many times you go back. You have to go through it to get past it. No way around it. You are looking to her to provide you with comfort when that pain creeps back. But she is your SOURCE OF PAIN. She can't comfort you. She will keep giving you pain. She's telling you she is not sure about you. Do you really want to sit around waiting for someone who is not sure about you? You're an option. Do you realize that? Don't make someone a priority when you're just their option.
lalalandman Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Super, I've read many posts and I'll say that your situation is very similar to mine. We were together about 5 years, and although we weren't engaged, she did take me to a wedding dress store about a week before she broke it off (hinting much?). Anyways, I ended up deleting my FB and cut contact after a week and a half of trying to convince her that she was making a mistake. Deleting FB was a huge plus. I went NC for 2 weeks. Just as I was getting better, she called, and reeled me in emotionally. She told me she was depressed and seeing a therapist. I was going to go see her at her new place. Then it happened: She slammed the door in my face after 2 weeks of "communicating". Now I'm not sure if she's seeing someone else, but I sort of assume she is, and trying to replace me. And that's all they're doing man. Trying to replace you. One of the last things she said was "Oh you'll just call me in a week". That was last Sunday, over a week ago. Let me tell you something. Your girl, is selfish. Next time she calls or texts, don't even bother with her. And if you have to say something, tell her the damage is done, and to back the F off (Probably better to ignore, most would say). Because she hurt you. Not only did she hurt you, but she came back just to do it again. And she'll come back for more, I promise, until she's convinced that she's filleted you. I wish I never picked up her calls after 2 weeks. Wish I listened to Tara Maiden from this site. That's always how NC goes man. So do yourself a favor, and stop letting her get away with this ****. I know I'll get crap for saying this, but get a little pissed off. Because this whole situation is bull. Stand up for yourself. I'm not sure if my ex will call again, but if she does, she's not getting the time of day from me. If your ex is seeing someone new, well good friggin' luck to her. He's a turd anyways, and she's the douche. lol eventually, you'll get over it, and be able to laugh it off. But take the emotions full heartedly. Somewhere down deep, you are a little pissed, and don't want to be toyed with anymore.
Author superchiefs Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 GeeGirl, no I do not want to sit around waiting for her to decide what she wants. I just want to move on, I just dont know why I cant get my emotions in check. My brain says get out of this situation, but my heart just keeps trying to drag me back in to the room for another beat down. lalalandman, I know my girl is selfish. I have repeatedly told her that I only want a romantic relationship, but she has continued to contact me and tell me how much she misses my friendship. I am definitely getting tired of it. I just cant figure out why I keep wanting a romantic relationship with her. Why cant I just let her go? I too have deleted her from my facebook, however, I havent blocked her from emailing me or sending me messages through yahoo messenger.
wilsonx Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 however, I havent blocked her from emailing me or sending me messages through yahoo messenger. BIG PROBLEM, do it now. I'm serious Im 4 weeks out from my breakup and only 38 hours into NC. I was ****ing miserable until today. My ex was doing the same **** yours is doing. SET BOUNDARIES NOW... Tell her to give you your space and time without her in it. When you are ready you will contact her. Tell her this is your boundary and to respect it. Do not answer any questions about it, do not argue about it. Say it once and be done. This is you taking back control of your life. This is Day 1. NOW STICK TO IT buy this book http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=getting+past+your+breakup&x=0&y=0 I finished it today, its amazing, its helped me cope a lot and keeps me busy with journalling and goals, affirmations and other things.
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