TennisGeek Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 I had a three year relationship with a great girl that started off as a FWB and progressed into something more, but not officially boyfriend/girlfriend. I have developed feelings for this girl and I love her, but I'm still young and want to have my fun before I settle down. Of course I know that she wants and deserves better, but I just can't force myself into a situation I'm not ready for. We have a history together that wasn't perfect (difficulty seeing eye to eye with the whole FWB situation and her initiating NC after I did something that I sincerely apologized for which she eventually forgiven me). She has started to warm up to me again and we've been spending lots of time together and out of respect for her I am holding off on having sex with her so I don't lead her on, while we continue to let out friendship grow. However, she recently told me that she can't be friends with me because she still has feelings for me and she wants to move on and to experience a "normal" relationship. She suggested that I don't contact her anymore to make it easier on her and I let her know she can contact me when she's ready, to which she replied that she planned on deleting my number, which I'm sure she did since she defriended me on FB It's been a month since this happened and I really miss her and want her in my life, should I disregard her request and contact her or respect it and wait for her to contact me?
thelovingkind Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 If you love her, let her go. She's made it clear that she needs space, and you should respect that, especially since you acknowledge you can't provide what she's looking for.
Author TennisGeek Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 I want to let her know that I still care and make sure she's okay, but I understand what you mean. Is there a possibility that she will have a change of heart and eventually contact me?
wilsonx Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 maybe maybe not... just focus on yourself and not her
TheHurtProcess Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 maybe maybe not... just focus on yourself and not her Agreed. Don't wait around with the potential false hope that one day she'll come back to you. Get out there, set some goals for yourself and make something happen. Take all of this pent up aggression, sadness, hurt, etc and pour it into your work and ultimately, bettering your life.
TearyEyedPride Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 However, she recently told me that she can't be friends with me because she still has feelings for me and she wants to move on and to experience a "normal" relationship. She suggested that I don't contact her ANYMORE to make it easier on her and I let her know she can contact me when she's ready, to which she replied that she planned on deleting my number, which I'm sure she did since she defriended me on FB It's been a month since this happened and I really miss her and want her in my life, should I disregard her request and contact her or respect it and wait for her to contact me? If you take a look at the bold parts of what you said... it's all written and clear there. You've said all you need to say, she understands that you still "care" for her but she can't pretend to be friends. She does want to move on without you, regardless of your feelings, and she's started doing so. She asked that you don't contact her anymore. To be fair, you have to let her go.
justsumguy71 Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Are you absolutely sure of your intentions why you are contacting her again? If nothing has changed and you still do not want to be serious, then NC. Leave the poor girl alone.If you are willing to take it to the next level and are planning to see it done, (plus you can imagine the next several levels). Sure, call her.
Author TennisGeek Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 (edited) It just feels like she was giving me an ultimatum to commit to her which I'm not ready for and it's unfair and kind of selfish of her to make our relationship all or nothing. She's been nothing but good to me even when I haven't kindest at times to her, she's just such a good person in my life. Couldn't she control her feelings for me so we could be friends, this is the most kind and respectful I've even been towards her, why would she walk away when things are going so well between us? Edited June 21, 2011 by TennisGeek Added more information
justsumguy71 Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 (edited) People who are FWB seem to find it hard to stay just like that. One or the other gets attached. She is saying that you have become very important to her already, and that she wants you to be in a more serious and committed relationship. You have the right to accept or reject that proposition. If you accept, then she can go on with you and she will be very happy, if you reject, you hurt her. But that is OK, its her fault she took that risk. Its still your choice. However, once you made your choice, you need to live with the consequences. You have already hurt her with your initial choice. If you will not make the change, let her go. Don't hurt her anymore if you do not mean to be anything to her. Edited June 21, 2011 by justsumguy71
california15 Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 I don't think shes being selfish doing the all or nothing thing. I think shes doing it to protect herself/heart. Some people, [like some people here] have that mentality all or nothing because an in between hurts too much. Not trying to offend; just a thought.
BellaKlein Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 I agree with California15's comment, it was a self preservation move on her part. Let her go and allow her to move on, clearly it would be unfair for her pretend to be a friend when she feels more than that for you and continue to put herself through the pain just so you can have this "great girl" in your life. You should only contact her when you are ready and want to give her what she wants. She may have moved on or she may have not, but that's the risk you took when you made your decision. So in response to your post title: Yes, you are wanting to have your cake and eat it too.
thelovingkind Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 Agree with california and Bella. Putting your own needs squarely on the table isn't selfish; casually ignoring someone else's needs for your own benefit is. If you continue to contact her then that puts you in the selfish position.
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