26pointblue Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 EXACTLY!! That is why I left this site so long ago! No matter what, there is so much negativity. I love my bf, and I will never jeopardize what we have. I could have easily left out that I'm still in slight contact with my exMM! I just wanted everyone to know that you don't have to be enemies! It's not going to work for everyone, but it works for me! I'm not having any physical or emotional needs met by exMM. With all that said, I won't be hanging around for long. If anyone has any genuine questions, you can PM me. I had plenty of drama in my life for 5 years and I don't need to continue with that. But you ARE jeopardizing what you have! Secrecy = not a full relationship, not total openness, honesty & trust. If he REALLY wouldn't care that you are still talking to MM & that this MM is the guy you're talking to, then why not just tell him? Your posts are totally contradicting each other. I think you know that he wouldn't like it & that's why you're not telling him. Or you're leaving the door open to go back with MM if things don't work out with your current bf . . . & that's a really slippery slope & shows you're not totally done with your xMM. [believe me, I know. I've BTDT.] There are no other reasons you would still be talking to your xMM AND not being honest with your bf about it. I am happy for you & I want you to stay happy & that's why I'm trying to point out that you are playing with fire here. If you don't want to hear it, fine, but at least we're trying to tell you. I think you already know though or you never would be doing it or mentioning in your thread. You would just say 'xMM is gone forever,' or you wouldn't mention such a glaring red flag if you didn't want everyone to point it out. I do wish you well & I hope you can start being truly honest because that is really the only way a relationship will last.
26pointblue Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Hey there stranger!! How are things in your world? I can honestly say I didn't miss this place! I'm ready to jump off a bridge after posting only 12 hrs ago! God this place is depressing! I feel like I'm in a cage made of Twizzlers, surrounded by man eating sharks! Lol! Not sure how I survived all this while I was still in the A! You'll have to PM me so we can keep in touch, cuz I am not hanging around here for long! I figured it would be a mistake to post, but I did it anyways, just to let those who are hurting know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it's not always a train Umm just because we have common sense & we know that what you're doing is asking for trouble doesn't mean we are man-eating sharks or not happy for you for getting out of your affair. Quite the opposite but believe whatever you want.
donnamaybe Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Umm just because we have common sense & we know that what you're doing is asking for trouble doesn't mean we are man-eating sharks or not happy for you for getting out of your affair. Quite the opposite but believe whatever you want. Yep. She'll be so puzzled when the BF finds out she's been withholding information and dumps her, then there'll be a bid for sympathy.
26pointblue Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Yep. She'll be so puzzled when the BF finds out she's been withholding information and dumps her, then there'll be a bid for sympathy. I really hope this doesn't happen. But she is still placing some kind of a relationship with xMM over a full relationship of honesty & trust with her BF. :-( After saying herself that she wasted five years of her life on this MM, now she is potentially wasting her new happy relationship. :-( I really do feel sad about this & I hope she can see the light instead of blaming & avoiding everyone who is trying to warn & help her. How very sad! What's strange is I think she really wants the help or she never would have told us she talks to her xMM once a week. I mean who in their right mind would ever think that's a good idea? Clearly we were going to call her out on it . . .
reboot Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Uhmmmm.... He's a BF (boy friend). She didn't mention any talk of marriage or other long term commitment. She doesn't owe him any full disclosure... yet. And anything that happened prior to any commitment to him is none of his business anyway, unless she chooses to share it. Doom and gloom, doom and gloom, welcome to LoveShack.
26pointblue Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 (edited) Uhmmmm.... He's a BF (boy friend). She didn't mention any talk of marriage or other long term commitment. She doesn't owe him any full disclosure... yet. And anything that happened prior to any commitment to him is none of his business anyway, unless she chooses to share it. Doom and gloom, doom and gloom, welcome to LoveShack. What? They've been together for a year, they live together, she says they LOVE & trust each other . . . which requires full honesty!, she says she wants to marry the guy. I know she would not be happy if he was talking once a week to his xMW & not telling her it's the same xMW who comes over to do work on their house. Ewww! That's just deceit plain & simple. I would not marry someone who did that to me, or keep living with them or being in a relationship with them, no way. She is clearly jeapordizing this relationship & if it's not such a big deal she should tell him! Edited June 20, 2011 by 26pointblue
donnamaybe Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Uhmmmm.... He's a BF (boy friend). She didn't mention any talk of marriage or other long term commitment. She doesn't owe him any full disclosure... yet. And anything that happened prior to any commitment to him is none of his business anyway, unless she chooses to share it. Doom and gloom, doom and gloom, welcome to LoveShack. Doesn't matter what label you put on their R. She's hiding things from him. Deceitfulness is no way to treat someone you call your "boyfriend." Yep, doom and gloom will come along when he finds out she's been omitting the truth. It'll be brought about by the OP, not any of us on LS.
Author stillhere Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 But you ARE jeopardizing what you have! Secrecy = not a full relationship, not total openness, honesty & trust. If he REALLY wouldn't care that you are still talking to MM & that this MM is the guy you're talking to, then why not just tell him? Your posts are totally contradicting each other. I think you know that he wouldn't like it & that's why you're not telling him. Or you're leaving the door open to go back with MM if things don't work out with your current bf . . . & that's a really slippery slope & shows you're not totally done with your xMM. [believe me, I know. I've BTDT.] There are no other reasons you would still be talking to your xMM AND not being honest with your bf about it. I am happy for you & I want you to stay happy & that's why I'm trying to point out that you are playing with fire here. If you don't want to hear it, fine, but at least we're trying to tell you. I think you already know though or you never would be doing it or mentioning in your thread. You would just say 'xMM is gone forever,' or you wouldn't mention such a glaring red flag if you didn't want everyone to point it out. I do wish you well & I hope you can start being truly honest because that is really the only way a relationship will last. I do get what you're saying. I'm NOT leaving the door open, though. He wouldn't leave before, why would he leave in the future?! I was stupid once, I'm not going there again! Life lesson learned! Even if things don't work out with my bf, I'm not running back to exMM. Not happening. The main reason I don't tell him WHO exMM is....to protect exMM's marriage. WHAT IF my bf and I break up? He goes and tells someone and word gets out fast. I'm not looking to hurt anyone anymore. The past is the past. We are sincerely JUST FRIENDS! Like I said, I'm friends with lots of my ex's. Not sure how this is any different? I don't want to know everyone my bf slept with and I'm sure he doesn't want to know who I slept with. I don't hide things from my bf. He has full access to my phone and anything else he wants access to. He has never gone thru it and I won't be upset if he does. He knows I'm talking to exMM. He TELLS me to call him. I'm not sure if he would be upset if he knew that I was sleeping with him. As long as I'm not now, I don't think he would care. The only person who would get hurt from my honesty is my exMM and possibly his wife.
Author stillhere Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 Uhmmmm.... He's a BF (boy friend). She didn't mention any talk of marriage or other long term commitment. She doesn't owe him any full disclosure... yet. And anything that happened prior to any commitment to him is none of his business anyway, unless she chooses to share it. Doom and gloom, doom and gloom, welcome to LoveShack. Thanks for trying to come to my rescue! I appreciate it! I'm done with this place! Not sure why I even came back. No one will ever understand and as long as I know what I think and feel, that's all that really matters! I'm happy and I'm very proud of myself with how far I've come.....all those around me who knew of my situation are not only surprised I was able to break free, but happy that I finally found someone to truly make me happy! Thanks to everyone who is sincerely happy for me! I'm done with the stress of this place!
Silly_Girl Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Yep. She'll be so puzzled when the BF finds out she's been withholding information and dumps her, then there'll be a bid for sympathy. It doesn't sound to me like that's the likely outcome and if it was I don't think the OP would much value sympathy from this place given the response she's had.
donnamaybe Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 It doesn't sound to me like that's the likely outcome and if it was I don't think the OP would much value sympathy from this place given the response she's had. How do you know how her BF would take the news that she's been having conversations with her ex AP all this time and purposely didn't tell him? As for the responses, I don't think anyone was mean - just realistic and trying to get through to her that deceiving her boyfriend is NOT the way to go.
awkward Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 I think it is wonderful that you met someone new. I also understand that you don't want to hear from Debbie Downer about your protecting XMM over your own relationship so I won't add my thoughts on that. Congrats with your new found happiness.
Silly_Girl Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 How do you know how her BF would take the news that she's been having conversations with her ex AP all this time and purposely didn't tell him? I read the same post as you; you felt qualified to say what you thought would happen, as did I. I didn't claim to 'know' anything.
donnamaybe Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 I read the same post as you; you felt qualified to say what you thought would happen, as did I. I didn't claim to 'know' anything. I can't imagine anyone feeling okay about having pertinent information withheld in what is supposed to be a relationship built on trust and honesty. And the reason for not telling him she's been talking to her AP all this time? Because someone might find out. Really? Her BF is gonna go telling people who her AP was? You should know that I would be MORE than happy to find any woman who is no longer accepting crumbs disguised as a R. However, omitting the truth, especially under these circumstances, might just end up with her alone. Why take that risk? Especially if her BF is such a wonderful guy, as I suspect he is, otherwise why would she have said it?
Silly_Girl Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 I can't imagine anyone feeling okay about having pertinent information withheld in what is supposed to be a relationship built on trust and honesty. And the reason for not telling him she's been talking to her AP all this time? Because someone might find out. Really? Her BF is gonna go telling people who her AP was? Just because YOU can't imagine something it doesn't mean it's impossible. 'Pertinent'? Subjective.... As to whether someone might find out, you might think it's funny that it could happen but her ex has far more to lose so if she chooses to keep a secret for her friend it's up to her.
donnamaybe Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Just because YOU can't imagine something it doesn't mean it's impossible. 'Pertinent'? Subjective.... As to whether someone might find out, you might think it's funny that it could happen but her ex has far more to lose so if she chooses to keep a secret for her friend it's up to her. Seems like there are VERY few in this thread who CAN imagine it. Eh, it's fine if she wants to risk losing her "amazing" man.
MissBee Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 But you ARE jeopardizing what you have! Secrecy = not a full relationship, not total openness, honesty & trust. If he REALLY wouldn't care that you are still talking to MM & that this MM is the guy you're talking to, then why not just tell him? Your posts are totally contradicting each other. I think you know that he wouldn't like it & that's why you're not telling him. Or you're leaving the door open to go back with MM if things don't work out with your current bf . . . & that's a really slippery slope & shows you're not totally done with your xMM. [believe me, I know. I've BTDT.] There are no other reasons you would still be talking to your xMM AND not being honest with your bf about it. I am happy for you & I want you to stay happy & that's why I'm trying to point out that you are playing with fire here. If you don't want to hear it, fine, but at least we're trying to tell you. I think you already know though or you never would be doing it or mentioning in your thread. You would just say 'xMM is gone forever,' or you wouldn't mention such a glaring red flag if you didn't want everyone to point it out. I do wish you well & I hope you can start being truly honest because that is really the only way a relationship will last. I completely agree.... Something wasn't connecting in what she was saying about the xMM. From my perspective, I understand what she's trying to say on a conscious level of they're friends and want each other to be happy irrespective of who they're with and so on...but there's that other level, that I always talk about, where sometimes our actions are driven by less conscious things we don't realize. Certain things we do are ways of doing other things.... I too hope everything works out and I do believe her story is helpful. I'm happy for her and hope, like you said, she isn't subconsciously clinging to the ex although she herself admitted in her post to not know why she still talks to him, which is an alarm bell that some type of dissonance between her conscious and subconscious motives is going on. I have a friend who can't let go of any of her exes and that's what it reminded me of. Of course she passes it off as her being best of friends with them and no hard feelings and so on...but upon closer inspection, she ended up realizing that the reason she tries to be so cool with her exes is a problematic and not so innocent as she thought. She wasn't lying, but she herself didn't realize that the subconscious need to be unnaturally close to her exes was a problem. I don't think your ex should be your worst enemy and I think people who hate all their exes have a problem too...but I think it's natural that you develop more of a cordial, once in a while relationship that is out in the open, than one you hide and you also speak to them 5/6 times a week
Emme Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 You need to leave MM out of your life. In all seriousness that is one friend you don't want to become an enemy. If he ever chooses to tell the tale before you do it will heart breaking for your new found love. Try to keep him out of your life. Telling your boyfriend is your choice to make. To have a fresh start at something new in life means you leave the past behind. You don't walk with it in your future in a safe purse by your side. End the MM relationship. Congrats on finding love.
MissBee Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 You need to leave MM out of your life. In all seriousness that is one friend you don't want to become an enemy. If he ever chooses to tell the tale before you do it will heart breaking for your new found love. Try to keep him out of your life. Telling your boyfriend is your choice to make. To have a fresh start at something new in life means you leave the past behind. You don't walk with it in your future in a safe purse by your side. End the MM relationship. Congrats on finding love. True!
26pointblue Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 And I SHOULD cut ties with MM. I honestly don't know why I haven't. Stillhere, These are your own words from this same thread. So why are you upset with us for pointing out the truth you know yourself to be true? I don't understand.
26pointblue Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 Where did she say they lived together? She continually refers to the house as THEIR house. xMM has more work to do 'on OUR house.' xMM came over 'to OUR house' but 'my bf was with me the whole time.' I took this to mean she lives with her bf & is having xMM come over to do work on their house & the bf has no clue that this the man she was an OW to & still talks to once a week. If I'm wrong in how I read all of that, I apologize [still thinks she needs to tell the man she loves & plans to marry & who has been hurt by two women before because of cheating], but if I am right than I think she is double-whammy-ing him because who would want the guy your girlfriend used to boink for five years [married or not] coming over to do work on the house you share with that girlfriend? I would be very upset! And if it's really not a big deal then she should just tell him. Why withhold information from someone you claim to love??
NoIDidn't Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 She continually refers to the house as THEIR house. xMM has more work to do 'on OUR house.' xMM came over 'to OUR house' but 'my bf was with me the whole time.' I took this to mean she lives with her bf & is having xMM come over to do work on their house & the bf has no clue that this the man she was an OW to & still talks to once a week. If I'm wrong in how I read all of that, I apologize [still thinks she needs to tell the man she loves & plans to marry & who has been hurt by two women before because of cheating], but if I am right than I think she is double-whammy-ing him because who would want the guy your girlfriend used to boink for five years [married or not] coming over to do work on the house you share with that girlfriend? I would be very upset! And if it's really not a big deal then she should just tell him. Why withhold information from someone you claim to love?? And why do it claiming to protect the person you AREN'T in a relationship with? I would never invite someone to my home and not have the occupants of my home also know how I know that person and the important parts of that relationship. Imagine telling that rationale to the new boyfriend. "I didn't tell you because I thought you'd tell his W about the A if things didn't work out with you and I"! Or after he proposes, "Well, since we are just now looking towards a more permanent future, I should tell you that our occasional handyman was the married guy that I was with for five years.", "What? You think you should have known that the first time he came over? Well, I didn't feel that way because I didn't think it was any of your business unless you wanted to marry me". I know the OP doesn't want to hear it, and even has some supporters in this view, but most people wouldn't like being on the receiving end of this deception, even if nothing is going on. I'm not saying you should tell him, but the damage has already been done whenever he actually does find out about who MM is. And he will find out the longer you are together. Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence.
26pointblue Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 And why do it claiming to protect the person you AREN'T in a relationship with? I would never invite someone to my home and not have the occupants of my home also know how I know that person and the important parts of that relationship. Imagine telling that rationale to the new boyfriend. "I didn't tell you because I thought you'd tell his W about the A if things didn't work out with you and I"! Or after he proposes, "Well, since we are just now looking towards a more permanent future, I should tell you that our occasional handyman was the married guy that I was with for five years.", "What? You think you should have known that the first time he came over? Well, I didn't feel that way because I didn't think it was any of your business unless you wanted to marry me". I know the OP doesn't want to hear it, and even has some supporters in this view, but most people wouldn't like being on the receiving end of this deception, even if nothing is going on. I'm not saying you should tell him, but the damage has already been done whenever he actually does find out about who MM is. And he will find out the longer you are together. Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence. Exactly, it is horribly deceptive. And shows where her true priorities still are. That's why I feel sad & worried for her & why I think she should tell her boyfriend. Because, as you say, he will find out, & feel even more foolish if he doesn't know for that much longer. The only way out that I can see-- which is always the only way out I guess-- is pure honesty. She should just tell him & if it's really not as bad like she says it isn't, then, no big deal, at least he knows. If it is a big deal they can deal with it now instead of later when it's even bigger. I think she's lucky in that it's not that big of a deal yet-- she has the potential to nip it in the bud. He won't be happy but that will be all the more motivation for her to really truly shut the door on xMM forever because he is not a good guy & doesn't have her best interests at heart. There is no reason to have a person like that as a 'friend' & she knows it. I do want her to be happy & fear that she never will be as happy as she can be unless she gets rid of this xMM for good.
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