Lies.

[animation]

Hey,

This is probably going to be a relatively long post so I apologise in advance.

 

This week has been awful, me and my girlfriend really have been going downhill. A few weeks ago I found out she had lied to me about something rather trivial (being in contact with a boy she had slept with in the past). I'd decided not to say anything for a while, seeing as she had only lied about slight details, however after a while it began to eat me up and I confronted her about it, I went around it in a bit of a backward way and tried to get her to admit the truth (big mistake) and she only lied more, until I told her I knew she was lying and then she came clean.

I told her it wasn't on, and that trust is a major cornerstone of any relationship and for us to work and to continue as perfect as we had been she needed to start being honest, so I told her if there was anything else she had ever hidden then I wanted to know, eventually she piped up and told me about one of my old friends asking her to sleep with him (which in a way I can appreciate why she didn't tell me, she told him she wasn't interested and that was that). I asked if there was anything else and she said there wasn't.

Later that night I found out she had been seeing a lot of a boy (that I had told her I didn't like her seeing before) behind my back. The guy had told her she liked him and she chose to ignore that, this was right near the beginning of our relationship (a few months back) she'd been with him alone, eaten a meal with him and went on a massive car journey with him (all of which I was oblivious too) again, I confronted her about it, she tried to lie and then after me telling her I knew she came clean. This time I decided to call it off, I told her I wasn't prepared to put up with lies and I was putting my heart on the line and all of this had destroyed me.

She begged for me back in tears, telling me it was a long while ago and she didn't tell me because she thought I'd read in to it and was scared to lose what we had. Again, I gave her the chance to come clean about anything else and she promised there was nothing.

A few nights later (last night) I found out she had actually seen a whole lot more of this boy than I could ever know, whilst I was away on holiday they were with each other pretty much the whole time (I know nothing happened between then because we have a lot of mutual friends that definitely would have known) but I still felt this was being deceiptful and she should have told me when I gave the chance, again she played the same story and I let her off, I made her write down every time they were alone together - I gave her yet another chance to come clean about anything, and she chose not to.

Then, this morning I got a text saying that there was one more thing she hadn't told me about (finally she was coming clean on her own accord).

She told me and I quote "once, before we were going out, when we had just started talking I kissed a guy in a club". Now, I wasn't too bothered about that initially, until I started to dig deeper, I found out this is after we had first kissed and been on a date, then I realised that none of the dates and places made sense, and in order for her to have done this, it would in fact have to have been the FIRST NIGHT we were "officially" in a relationship. She pleaded innocence, and said that she wasn't aware it actually was then, but I couldn't work out how she couldn't have known she was in a relationship, for all of a few hours with a new boyfriend. And that, that bit of information had just somehow slipped her mind.

I agreed to meet her, outside as I knew I was going to break it off and didn't really want to do it by text, I told her that it wasn't going to work, there was too much damage done and essentially she had been lying for our whole relationship. I walked off, and went back in to my house.

I then got a text saying she was down the river and she would be there for half an hour, if I wanted to try and make it work then I should go down and talk things over, I was in a state, I love her to pieces and I couldn't believe she had done this to me, I went to see her and agreed I'd give her another chance.

I'm not sure I've made the right decision, is this naive of me or shall I give her another chance? After all, this was way before we developed feelings for each other. And if I do, how am I going to make it work?

 

Thanks,

 

 

James.

[Finch]

If this was, as you say, way before the two of you developed feelings for each other then you need to relax about all this.

Whether she left out some details about other guys she might be spending time with, it sounds like you are making a very large claim on this girls attention. If my boyfriend made me write down every time I had been alone with a guy he was suspicious of I might start lying too! While trust in a relationship is important, having someone harping on you constantly about "coming clean" isn't going to solve anything.

The fact that you're going back right to the beginning of your relationship and trying to match dates to every thing she's ever done sounds like you're looking for problems.

If you want to give her a chance, then give her a chance. It doesn't sound like you've been together long. You might not think her spending time with other guys is ideal, but you are still in the process of getting to know each other and figuring out how to handle your relationship - you seem to have very big expectations for a new relationship. Does she need to be honest? Sure. But if you want to be with her you also need to accept her answers and not bring up things that happened four months ago. At this point you'd be better off leaving the past in the past and focusing on making things work from here on in. Start from here and work towards a more positive future.