distinct wonder Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 Background: Dating for almost 3 years, boyfriend has been deployed for 2 months (will be gone one year). What would you think if your boyfriend absolutely refused to accept your friend request on facebook and you see multiple females on his friends list- several who have made it known to him that they want to date him, and one who he has said he wished he would've dated instead of you, and a few old girlfriends. ? I think something stinks. He says to me that he doesn't need to have me on his facebook to be in a relationship with me, but I am hurt that he refuses me but has these other females on his friends list. He did briefly, for a few minutes, accept my friend request but then he deleted me. During those few minutes of being on his friends list, I saw his wall was completely blank. He accepted me after 3 days of refusing, so he had plenty of time to delete everything on his wall. When he saw my friends list he then asked me to delete all males from my facebook, and they are all our mutual friends, and when I asked him to delete these females he flat out said NO. So not only is he refusing my friend request, he is refusing to delete these females. I think he is either hiding me from someone or hiding someone from me. I think that he has another woman and he is waiting the year of deployment out to see who will stick around during the year. Anyone want to play devils advocate here?
bikinibeach Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggghhhhhh..........dump his ass
Author distinct wonder Posted June 19, 2011 Author Posted June 19, 2011 (edited) This isn't really about facebook... he is deployed and it's one of the only ways to communicate with people. He never has brought me around his group of friends; if there was a get together he would not take me along. I have always felt that he has kept me a secret, and while he is deployed this facebook thing just brings that secrecy feeling out even more, it just makes it more obvious. At the moment I am wanting something more concrete so I can throw it in his face, because he's always accused me of cheating on him and keeping secrets and its just obvious that he has. During this deployment I am his house sitter, dog sitter, and help his child's mother with the daughter when she needs a break... so it's not a simple "dump", if that makes sense. Edited June 19, 2011 by distinct wonder
Rinas Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Who he has said he wished he would've dated instead of you. I would have left him after this comment was made. It's clear that he has something to hide. Numerous women, and exes on his list and yet he refuses to make your relationship known? I think it's time to move on from this guy.
Woman In Blue Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 I was going to ask if you're both in Junior High until I realized that you have to be at least 18 to join the service. In either event, kids your age change partners like adults change socks. Move on.
OofWhack Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 (edited) I would say it's even easier to dump him in the situation you're in. It would be so much neater to tie up the loose ends while he's gone. He's gone... overseas. He is using you as a backup babysitter, house sitter, dog sitter. First, back out of all the child care. she'll figure something else out, not your problem. I'm very confused about this point, you're watching the ex's kid while your cheating bf is deployed overseas??? 2nd, give a family member (do they know about you??) or the ex the house key and the dog schedule and make sure those things for which you took responsibility are handled. If not 100%, then stick the dog in a kennel (make sure to bill to him)... If you can do this all now while he is away, it will be much easier for you to get over him and avoid him when he returns. I feel as though you are going to continue to get hurt here. Refuse his calls, stop playing his games, grow up and live a healthy existence because this one is going to ruin you. You are doing WAYYYY to much for someone that is clearly USING you every chance he gets. You are reliable and offer a sense of security for him which is why he hangs on. He plays the "you must be cheating while I'm away bit" because he knows you won't. It is a manipulation tool to keep you on a short leash. I am NO relationship expert by any stretch but its so much easier to see other's issues than your own. He's totally playing you, I'm sorry. Go with your gut instinct. If you wait for concrete proof like I am, you'll probably be sorely disappointed. Your gut is not lying to you, your bf is.......... ugh, as is mine I'm just realizing Edited June 20, 2011 by OofWhack
ascendotum Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 There is more here then just the FB friend knockback. I have to assume this guy has some redeeming features for you to sit tight and babysit his house, animals & child plus you have been together for 3 years, but his actions don't show commitment to me. He lets you be his FB friend after deliberating over it, then boots you off just 3 minutes later. WTF why even bother, except to show a nice clean profile to shut you up. Do not delete your male friends though he probably knows since they are mutual. Can you get any FB feedback from a mutual friend. Its been 3 years and you still consider your an unknown to his circle of friends...that's pretty lousy. I know some women who would go out on the town with their pals during these occasions they didn't get an invite to his social outings, and be vague about what they did when quizzed. I'm curious with this..."because he's always accused me of cheating on him and keeping secrets". What is your reaction to this? I'd do my block if falsely accused. Do you ask him to clarify exactly + precisely what he's accusing you of here? Not saying he's a cheater, but accusing the other person of negative traits and behaviors is a well kown manipulation & deflective tactic. You have no proof as you say, but there's smoke, and besides its a pretty crappy relationship where you get accused of wrong doing by a partner whose actions you have to second guess.
Author distinct wonder Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 I was going to ask if you're both in Junior High until I realized that you have to be at least 18 to join the service. In either event, kids your age change partners like adults change socks. Move on. We are both in our early 40's, both with awesome careers, both of us own homes....
NervisPervis Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 What would I think? I would think he's hiding things from you. Why, what do YOU think?
Author distinct wonder Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 What would I think? I would think he's hiding things from you. Why, what do YOU think? I think he's either hiding me from someone or hiding someone from me. I think he doesn't believe that I would stick it out through the year long deployment so he has someone waiting in the wings as a fall back. Or, maybe I'm the fall back for someone else, but since I am watching his house, his dog and helping with his child I do not think that's the case. There's just several red flags and smoke but I'm not finding a fire, and in order to move on I want to know for sure, and not just speculate and assume.
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