oliviana Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 I have a very complicated situation so if someone actually takes the time to read this and answer, I would really appreciate it! I was dating a guy for a year (we'll call him Dave), and i really thought he was the one I would marry! (im 24). he was my world, and is from australia. anyway, i went to Italy for a summer to visit family and became best friends with a new guy who i realized was much more "right" for me than than "Dave" (we'll call italian guy Anthony). i broke up with "Dave" to date this new guy, but felt guilty and decided to get together with Dave in september when I got back home, even though I knew Dave was transferring back to Australia in December for his job. (Dave knows I was seeing other people in Italy). "Anthony" was understanding, but told me that he would see me next summer when he came to the US for a job. He told me "If you're still with Dave, we'll just hang out as friends; if not, well... we'll see." So it was October and I was back with Dave, although after not seeing eachother all summer, things had changed and i started to feel that he wasn't "the one" even though he was still completely crazy about me. Anthony started dating someone else and it crushed me. However, they don't seem serious and I strongly suspect they are not together anymore. In December, Dave and I broke up when he left, although he is not ruling out the possibility of getting me to move to australia (i dont want to)... he still seems to have the idea that we will end up together. I'm not so sure. I deeply love him but I'm so young and haven't really dated other men. Plus, I won't lie, I want Anthony back. I was dumb to give up someone who had so much in common with me. I guess my main question is.... should I settle for Dave because I don't think anyone will ever love me as much as he does, even though I don't love him that much and have no intention of living in australia? Or do I risk bringing it up to Anthony that I want a second chance? We have remained friends but I can't be sure if he still has feelings for me as more than a friend, although sometimes i strongly suspect... we never talk about our girl/boyfriends to eachother. And if he turned me down, i would be really depressed. i really care for him and plus I don't want to ruin our friendship... and he did hint at the fact that he wants to see me next summer... Or.... forget them both and start over?
0hpenelope Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 For Dave: No. Do him a favor and don't use him as your back up. Since he's in Australia, he will be able to meet new people and find someone compatible for him. You're asking if you should "keep" him because you're not sure if you'll find anyone else who will care for you as much as he does, when you yourself are saying that Anthony is more suited for you? Why can't Dave find someone better for him? If you don't want him, someone else will and he should have as much of a chance with that girl as the chance that you want with Anthony. You don't want to move to Australia, he'll take the hint, and the two of you will move on. If you really feel like you're settling for Dave and that's why you'll stay with him, you're doing both of yourself a disservice. You won't be happy. That relationship won't work out. You'll become one of those people in relationships where you're forcing yourself to stay for the sake of having someone. Won't you rather be single and happy than be in an unhappy relationship? For Anthony: When we assume other people's situations, that's when we get in trouble. Just because he doesn't talk to you about his girlfriend doesn't imply seriousness or togetherness or level of commitment. Even if he said that he'd like to meet up with you next summer, he can change his mind about this. If you find someone else, don't put yourself on hold for Anthony. You should be able to find someone else, too. If you really want to, the only way you'll get your answers from Anthony is by asking him straight up. The answers may hurt you, but at least you'll know where you stand. It may hurt for a while, but you'll get over it. We all do. For other option: since you feel like you haven't really dated other men even though you love Dave, then you should just date around. Your message is a little confusing since you say this: "I deeply love him but I'm so young and haven't really dated other men" about Dave but with your post, I'm thinking that you'd quickly give up this "dating other men" desire if Anthony gave you the chance and if you had the assurance that you and Anthony will stay together. If that isn't the case, then you should date other guys without commitment to either Dave or Anthony because it's about your desire to see what else is out there and it will just get the guys caught up in an issue that isn't theirs to begin with. Get it straight with Anthony: does he have a GF or not? Because if he does, maintain your respect for the boundary that you have as a friend. Get it straight with Dave, too: You're not willing to move to Australia. LDRs work, but they're with the understanding that both people will be eventually together in the same location, wherever that may be. Even if he moves back to the U.S., you're unsure of whether or not to stay with him. So let him go and find someone else, whether that's Anthony or another boy. Good luck. Nothing about your situation is easy, but I'm sure you want to cause as minimal pain as possible.
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