6stringking Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 Hi there, I'm not exactly sure where to start but here goes, I also apologise if this post is long, i'll try and make it as easy to read as possible. I'm in an LDR with a girl i've known for about a year and a half now, she's 18 and i'm 23. It's only recently when we've really gotten into each other more but i'm sort of concerned, i really can't be sure she is who she says she is. It's not like she's given me any reason to doubt her, but at the same time she's reluctant to really prove to me who she is, whether it be talking online with a microphone or using a webcam (even though she has pictures). I even asked for her phone number so we could text during the daybut she tried to run rings around me without having to say no, she made out that her parents would be suspicious as to why all of a sudden she's texting on the phone, how would they know she was if she was doing it at work? She seems a very insecure person, especially with how she wants me around a lot (I know that's not a bad thing, but sometimes I feel like I can't make my own decisions), apparently she says she has a speech problem so this stops her from being confident about talking, but as for the webcam it seems like it gets dodged. I know her parents are an issue, they're harsh on her and would probably start asking her about a camera if she got one and that she'd need to speak to them about it (which seems like a way of putting it off further as she could make out she asked and just tell me they said no, I said perhaps she could buy one and keep it secret just to let me know but again she replies with "They'd find out sooner or later.") The "her being real" conversation with has come up many times, the last time I said I really needed some progress on it, she agreed but it's cropped up again recently and there hasnt been any progress made at all, it's like it's just not on her list of priorities, it's really starting to worry me.. I said to her i've been worrying about who she is again but I can't help but feel shes getting defensive about it whenever she replies (understandable if she is who she is but can't really prove it to me), i'd quiz her on things and she would play sort of dumb even though shes a very smart and witty person, she would try to dodge things or try and throw humour at it. I know LDRs are never easy, and I know trust is the foundation to everything, but i'm not going to be taken for a fool, it might seem harsh but i feel this is necessary in order for me to be happy. She always gives off the vibe like she's the one who's worser off from it all whenever these talks happen, as if she's the one who worries most (how can it be such a worry if she has nothing to hide?) and as if my feelings/opinion isnt as important. I'm usually very good at telling when people are enthusiastic about something, and this subject is definitely something she isnt enthusiastic about. Thank you for your time anyway, do you have any advice or thoughts? I really do wish she is who she says she is, it's so frustrating for me.
creighton0123 Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 I would say that she's exhibiting major red flags. And by major, I mean very very significant and indicative of where your potential relationship might be heading. As an 18 year old in 2011, I'm not sure why she needs an excuse for a webcam... with youTube and friends going off to college, I'm sure she could find a use for it other than talking to you. Either way, you sound young, intelligent, and curious about figuring things out. My advice would be to cut ties and find someone who is a better fit for you and where you are in life with an added focus on that being someone local. With this girl, it reads as though the cards are heavily stacked against the two of you. Internet LDR's (based on discovering over the internet) seem extremely difficult, especially when you haven't met in person. Until you speak face to face, video to video, or extensively voice to voice, there's really no reason why you have to be a monogamous couple... You also run the risk of romanticizing someone who is either much older, much younger, or a different gender than they say they are. I'm not concerned about the former and latter, but the middle ground puts you in a potentially illegal situation. Join an online dating service if you have trouble meeting local people. Go out on a few dates with some nice girls. After that, see how you feel about your very anonymous, mystery girl.
Author 6stringking Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 Thank you, somehow I always knew the answer would be like you said. Something just really didn't add up, I suppose I didn't want to call it quits incase we had something special. The biggest dilemma I face is letting them down gently and dealing with my activities, we practically do everything together and even before we met it wasn't much different in what I did in my spare time. Any tips on what I can say? I know they'll be hurt by this.
rsiowb711 Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 So you've only seen pictures of this girl and you've never heard her voice or anything? That seems a little shady to me. Especially if you guys have known each other for a year and a half. If I was in your shoes, id say forget it and move on. It doesn't seem like this girl is very serious about this at all. And something definitely seems like it doesn't add up. You should look for someone else to spend your time with!
creighton0123 Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Thank you, somehow I always knew the answer would be like you said. Something just really didn't add up, I suppose I didn't want to call it quits incase we had something special. The biggest dilemma I face is letting them down gently and dealing with my activities, we practically do everything together and even before we met it wasn't much different in what I did in my spare time. Any tips on what I can say? I know they'll be hurt by this. "I'm sorry. This isn't working for me anymore and I'm not happy in the relationship." Here's a life lesson: there is no "gentle" way of breaking up with someone. Just be honest, straight forward, and end the "relationship" (the way you described it is more like a pen pal relationship than a romantic one). Despite how mature, polite, and honest you are in breaking up with someone, there's always the risk that the other person will respond in a very immature way. And for the sake of all that is good, don't give the tired old lines. "It's not you, it's me" is as much a slap in the face now. So is "Can we still be friends?" or "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." You're not happy. You tried to work with her and you've found that things are not working. That's honesty enough without being insulting.
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