Karala Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 ...gosh, did it do me a world of good!! I actually had a revelation; for the first time since the last 4 years I've been in love with him, I realized that maybe, just maybe, I was idealizing him a little bit and that maybe after all he wasn't all the perfection that all my love for him made him up to be. Felt like the rose-colored glasses began to come off at last, and along with them, the 100 pound weight of feeling like he was the one and only incarnation of a perfect soulmate that would ever be right for me. Need I say, of course, that I have no intention of ever sending him that letter or any other letter! I wrote it for my own sake and I'm very happy that I did. I just started writing it on a whim, I was feeling so down and depressed this afternoon. I wanted to let it out how hurt I feel because of him (yeah I know, no one ever really has the power to make you feel bad without your permission, but still... F*** him) I grabbed the writing paper that I'd bought 4 years ago when I was on a vacation and that I used to write him my first letter ever and some other after that. I had used that writing paper so long ago and to tell him about all the love I felt for him... It was weird using it again after years, only this time to write about how much I hated him for letting me down, how I would want him to suffer at least a bit as much as I suffered over him, and how I totally made him up to be something he is NOT. I'm not usually mean as a person, but this was extremely cathartic. For any of you who are going crazy and fed up with the pining over their ex... I recommand it!
Author Karala Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 Oh, the first half of it was just detailing all the horrible things I wish would happen to him - I didn't censor myself one bit and ended writing the cruelest things ever (that I wish he would lose his job, and all his friends, and have someone close to him die, and wake up in the midde of the night in pain and wanting to scream, and feel like killing himself but at the same time know that he'll never do it and would have to drag this misery around for the rest of his life, etc, basically wishing him to suffer at least a bit as much as I foud myself suffering because of him)... Then it turned into me realizing that how much wrong I was wishing him was just an effect of how much wrong he did me. Not out of malevolence, but just because he was never really the perfectly good selfless person that I made him out to be, and so much wanted him to be. I always made excuses for him and his bad treatment of me. I always forgave, never held on to any grudges, because I wanted the relationship to work out, and I thought holding on to grudges would prevent the relationship from working out. As I was writing, I realized that I made him out to be someone he never really was. I saw him with the eyes of love. And seriously (I still feel the effect today), this realisation made me fall out of love with him a little bit. For the first time in 4 years, I see that he's just a regular guy, not the prince I saw in him and wanted him to be. He probably did his best. But now I begin to get it at last, why he was telling me that I deserved much better. When he would tell me that, I just wanted to tell him (and sometimes did) that I didn't understand why he would say such a thing and downgrade himself. Now I'm beginning to see it at last. He was right. He's not all that.
Ajax Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 It sounds like it was very theraputic for you. I never wrote such a letter to my ex, but have had one in my mind for a while. I never really wished for her to suffer beyond understanding how she made me suffer. The most I ever wanted was for her to say to herself, "My negligence and selfishness really hurt a great guy, and going forward I'm going to be more compassionate and understanding of people's feelings and the consequences of my actions." But we all know that writing a letter like that and actually sending them are two different things. Getting it out on paper makes it real to us, but nobody I've ever talked to has suggesting sending it.
Author Karala Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 I'd rather have an arm cut off than to actually send him this letter. I would never want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he has such an effect on me :] Oh and also, part of me feels like saying that I don't really hate him for real and it would kill me if he had to suffer through all the hurtful things I wrote. But I won't say it, because I do want to feel angry for now... Feels so much better than the pining away!
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