Author flow15 Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 Mack I totally appreciate the advice, and I never said I was definitely going to contact him. I am definitely pondering about it, but I haven't made a decision and if anything I am about 70% ignore him 30% reply to him. I understand relationships are more about love and a special connection, and whos to say we didnt have all that before he ended it? I know he ruined it all when he ended it, but anything is possible.... You don't know that when he grows up he may realise what a d*** he was and want to offer me all those things.. I know that may sound crazy, but all I'm saying is who knows what the future holds? I may meet the man of my dreams tomorrow and forget about my ex in an instant!
usabup Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 That's a big problem in life Flow. People get scared (lack courage) because they don't believe they will have a connection like they did with their ex or they don't believe that there is someone else out there that will 'get them' like their ex did. Those are not reasons to go back to your ex, indeed many relationships fail because people take the safe easy way out and realise years later it was a mistake to go backwards.I know because I was one of those people...It's amazing you can make excuses for this guy, then again I had the same thought process with my ex. She is a good person blah blah blah. Still not enough of a reason to ever go back there. Relationships need alot more then love or a special connection to last long term. What about honesty, sincerity, loyalty, trust, respect, compassion? Do you really think this guy has those qualities in the way he treated you!?. Seems to me your about to learn a very harsh lesson in life. I wish in my life I heeded warnings from friends and family..Might not have made a mess of things a few years back...It's your choice Flow but methinks you are about to make the wrong one. I hope you prove me wrong and get happily married with 4 kids and a big house. I just don't see how it can work after reading your story. I wish you well Flow Mack05 gives very good advice too. That's why its good to get different opinions on forums like this. It means you can properly weigh up your options. As I said, it really comes down to what you want to do. You have to ask yourself "Is this guy worth taking the risk of getting hurt again?" If the answer is no, then that's when I agree NC is the right thing to do. BUT, if the answer is yes, then talk to him. And see if he apologises. And IF at some point you do end up back together, make sure it is on your terns. Be in control of the situation. And don't stand for being walked over. As far as how many chances you have given him already, well, everyone is different. Maybe he will never change and always hurt you. Or maybe he is one of these people that takes longer to realise what he has. Everyone is different, there are no set rules in love. Thas why its your choice whether you want to take the risk. Let me tell you how I always think. Every single person you get into a relationship with is a risk. Everyone has the potential to hurt you. You could fall in love with a new guy and in 6 months he could end up beating you for all you know. As I said earlier, in life you just have to sepearate the guys/girls that are worth the risk of getting hurt for. Is he?
Author flow15 Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 Let me tell you how I always think. Every single person you get into a relationship with is a risk. Everyone has the potential to hurt you. You could fall in love with a new guy and in 6 months he could end up beating you for all you know. As I said earlier, in life you just have to sepearate the guys/girls that are worth the risk of getting hurt for. Is he? Its funny, everytime I used to give him another chance I'd always tell myself this. But I don't believe in it anymore, someone new doesn't have the history of hurting you before, also its a lot harder to rebuild trust with an ex who has already destroyed it than to build it with someone new... However you cant help who you love.....
usabup Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Its funny, everytime I used to give him another chance I'd always tell myself this. But I don't believe in it anymore, someone new doesn't have the history of hurting you before, also its a lot harder to rebuild trust with an ex who has already destroyed it than to build it with someone new... However you cant help who you love..... That is true, but also look at it from the point of view that you have to make your mistakes before you can learn from them. When I hurt my ex, I learnt so much more about myself as a person. I knew 100% that if she had given me another just, I would never ever had made the same mistakes again. But she thought the same thing as you, she thought she could never trust me again. Which is complety understandable. But from my point of view it was so frustrating because she didn't have anything to worry about at all. It was horrible because I learned how to be a better man once it was too late. Again, I don't know how your ex thinks, but I believe personally that everyone is capable of changing. Sorry, I'm not trying to talk you into this. I'm just trying to give a different point of view. If you don't and can't believe in him, then stay NC for sure. Do whatever is right for you.
batsheba Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 my ex emailed me after 3 months NC to apologize for what had happened between us and wish me well and wish for me to find true love. so it was clear that the hurt was not done deliberately and yet please go look for a man for yourself. LOL. so there was no more wondering from my end. as for your case, whatever the reason for the messaging is, it is ultimately up to you what you want to do with it. since the breaking up/dumping you had seemed to be a pattern, i would say NC. if the situation was not like that, then go ahead open up communication. it is a case to case thing. rebuild your own self esteem. rebuild your confidence. YOU first this time around.
Author flow15 Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 I've been thinking about it all night, and I think its highly unlikely that he contacted me because he wants me back... I find it hard to believe. If anything hes contacted because he might miss me or might want to apologise, or is just checking up on me... So if I do reply to him (not saying I will yet) I'm not going to expect anything. Maybe I need to reply for closure.... Either way, I want to thank all of you guys for your help!
Author flow15 Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 Ok just say I respond to his contact or if I were to bump into him, at any point in the future.. If I show I'm not angry anymore, does it make everything he did ok??? Does it make me a doormat??
Mack05 Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Ok just say I respond to his contact or if I were to bump into him, at any point in the future.. If I show I'm not angry anymore, does it make everything he did ok??? Does it make me a doormat?? Flow you have already decided to respond if he does contact you again. You know, I don't think any healthy happy long term relationship involves one or the other being dumped 3 or 4 times (No matter what/how many excuses you make for him)..He treats you atrociously and you still want to go back! Guess what will happen if/when you go back..... Your kidding yourself right now. Getting all worked up over an IM. Some people are just bad for you, yet people go back to toxic relationships like it's a bad drug addiction. In ten years time you will be wondering what the hell was I thinking. People get great advice on this site, yet still head on blindly to the train crash that will inevitably happen.. Keep your self respect, sanity, dignity and common sense and NEVER talk to this guy again. Stop making excuses for him and let him go! if you don't I promise you in six months time or less you will be on this site going, guys you were right...
Author flow15 Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 I never said I was going to take him back, and its highly unlikely that he will ask for me back anyway!! But I've said I'm inclined to contact him, because I want to see if he would apologise or not, or just basically see why hes contacted. All I want to know is if I respond to his contact, or if I bump into him and talk to him, does it make everything he did ok and does it make me a pushover/doormat?? I'll be going to his city in a couple of weeks and theres a chance I may bump into him and I just want to know that if I'm going to ignore his message, should I ignore him if I see him. Or should I talk to him, but as I said I just want to know that if I do talk to him does it make everything he did ok and does it make me a pushover/doormat??
geegirl Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 You're not getting it. The point we are trying to make is, if he has treated you badly and disposed of you several times, why are you so hard pressed for an apology from someone who obviously has no consideration for you. If he had any decency or remorse, he would have apologized a long time ago. Apologizing would be admitting wrong. If he knew he was wrong, he wouldn't have repeated his patterns over and over again, treating you badly. If you see him again and want to talk to him, by all means do so. Who knows whether he will view you as a doormat or pushover. The fact that you're entertaining someone that treated you with disrespect is a reflection of how you view yourself. You can be cordial, expect to receive no apology, don't even ask for it and move on. Whatever he thinks of you doesn't matter because you're not looking to take him back. Treat a "bump into him" with class and step away.
radiodarcy Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 i would suggest not worrying about how it's going to look to him. think about how it's going to make YOU feel. that's the most important thing in all of this. i know there have been times when i thought the ex was trying to tell me something and it turned out - -he wasn't or it was all in my head or whatever. then i felt terrible. chances are your ex reached out simply because he felt like it - - nothing more. if you see him simply be cordial, say "hello" and leave it at that. don't engage in small talk or conversation. if he has something substantial to tell you, it's up to him to come up with it on his own. it's not up to you to prompt him or pull it out of him.
Mack05 Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 I think Gee girl said it already but why is it so important to get an apology from someone like him? Your kidding yourself now Flow.. If someone comes and talk to you, it's hard to ignore them BUT try put yourself in a situation where you don't bump into him. If you do bump into him, you turn into the ice queen. Yes and No answers and get out of there asap..
Author flow15 Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 I would feel like a super bitch if I turned into an ice queen, and also doesn't that show that you're still not over it or still mad if you ignore?? Won't they think you're really bitter and be put off by you?? It's so confusing...
geegirl Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 If you're so concerned about how he views you -- only if you bump into him, then a quick hi/bye, be cordial and say you have to run will suffice.
Mack05 Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Flow I guess every situation and every person is different. There is no right or wrong here. When you bump into each other, some people ignore their exe's and couldn't give a monkeys nutsack what their ex thinks, others can be cordial and friendly.. I think people are cordial and friendly when they enough time has passed and they are both well and truly over each other. The people that ignore each other still hold onto anger and resentment in some way. In your case you are not over him. Being cordial and friendly will just bring back old times, old feelings. Add a bit of drink to that and well you see where that is going. I agree it's not nice to be cold to someone, but sometimes you need self preservation. In your case I think its paramount. You still yearn for the guy. The fact you can still make excuses after everything he has done tells me this. Not only that I think you are hoping to bump into him. Right now you shouldn't care what his feelings are or if you hurt them. Look how much him contacting you has set you back already. Your overthinking way too much here...Forget about mind games and what he might be thinking or doing. Also you don't need an apology. Until you are over this guy you are playing with fire, clearly determined to get burnt again..
Jdw_Icequeen Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 I would feel like a super bitch if I turned into an ice queen, and also doesn't that show that you're still not over it or still mad if you ignore?? Won't they think you're really bitter and be put off by you?? It's so confusing... ice queen?????? You rang?? It took one of my exs almost 9 months to apologize to me.... Then he tried to make things right with our children and things got alot better. So sure he could want to apologize. But they are right about the fact you need to be at the point of not needing an apology. I also agree with US.. NC is not for everyone. Just because you politley respond back to him dosen't make you a doormat. I don't see anything wrong with it. But I really hope you don't want this guy back after all this drama. I am thankful I never had another go with my ex. Him walking out once was enough! If you do decide to ever get back with him I hope you take it VERY slowly and make him earn your trust for a very good length of time. If you bump into him you smile say hi and keep going plain and simple. I think your really overthinking everything at this point because of the overwhelming emotions at the thought of bumping into him.. If he starts a conversation you go with the flow of things, no pun intended. Keep it light and I would try to get out as soon as I could just so I didn't feel awkward. At the end of the day you should do whats best for you. You don't need an apology. Trust me it changes nothing and alot of times just raises more questions for people. But for some people an ice queen is a good way to go.
Author flow15 Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 Ice queen, thanks so much you answered all my questions!! I am definitely overthinking everything! I've had these past few days off and so have had a LOT of time on my hands to just think and analyse. Which obviously hasn't been very good for me.
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