Memphis Raines Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Here is my sorry thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t282965/ Despite 3 times saying goodbye, she emails again this morning responding to one of our emails exchanges last week. Then she signs off by telling me she is glad I am not looking back and looking to the future? Is she punishing me here (she knows I want to reconcile)? Despite the fact I cheated (which is unforgiveable), should I now be the one to tell her this has to stop, or just NC and delete them as fast as I can. I am trying to stop responding but its so hard she is not punishing you. you have to realize, by cheating on her, you basically mentally abused her. that may be an extreme view on it, but it hurt her. being cheated on plays with ones emotions big time. she is hurt. confused. on one hand she probably doesn't want a thing to do with you, on the other, she can't imagine not being with you. so don't think this is about you. its not. you played with her emotions and i'm sure she is confused. so whatever you do, don't treat her bad. you have done enough.
Author gpatb43 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 she is not punishing you. you have to realize, by cheating on her, you basically mentally abused her. that may be an extreme view on it, but it hurt her. being cheated on plays with ones emotions big time. she is hurt. confused. on one hand she probably doesn't want a thing to do with you, on the other, she can't imagine not being with you. so don't think this is about you. its not. you played with her emotions and i'm sure she is confused. so whatever you do, don't treat her bad. you have done enough. Thanks for your comments - I agree with almost everything you wrote (I mentally abused her, I hurt her, I have done enough, and if she ever reaches out again, I will never forget what I did = wont treat her bad). Where I guess I disagree (though I cannot be sure of course) is that she is confused. Her email traffic prior to NC was very clear, articulate, generally unemotional, and specific - I suspect (and she told me) that she still holds a love for me deep down (because we shared a very special time together) but that her 'risk' appetite has reached it's limits. As someone who was previously cheated on, I totally understand that - limits vary for different people (just like I think some of those that cheat are geneuinely remorseful and wont repeat whereas some are certainly serial narcissists etc) and in my case now, I think my ex is crystal clear. She frankly deserves my respect for that, and she has it, no matter how much I want her to believe we have a future.
Author gpatb43 Posted June 30, 2011 Author Posted June 30, 2011 struggled last night and today - could not go into work - my life feels so empty without her. how could i have been so stupid? i feel like a bomb was under my feet and i pushed the button. can't stomach anything - work, sleep, going out - just trying to breathe and get through each day right now. took the engagement ring back to the jewelers yesterday - that was the hardest thing for me, had to fight back the emotions as didn't want to make a scene in the middle of 5th avenue. crazy situation i engineered for myself, the pain is indescribable. for any WS reading this - learn please.
Kidd Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Feel for you brother, I'm more worried about the pain my W now carries than my own. Feel like I can survive anything now. She'll carry this with her the rest of her days (and that's if she's fortunate to keep her family together thru this). I'm not an expert on depression but I do recommend counseling, exercise, and probably a doctor's visit. I got scripts to help me sleep. Otherwise know that people are listening. You won't get much sympathy on the infidelity forum but I don't like to see anyone suffer. I recommend focusing less on your emotional reaction and more on what actions you can take. Get decisive on what you're going to do with your life now.
Author gpatb43 Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 Yes that's what I am trying hard to focus on - my actions, the learning, and being decisive. Therapy twice a week to deal with the how and why, talking this all through with two close friends (one male and one female) to try to help me improve perspective and learning, sharing this situation (including my failures) with my sister, father, and step mother to confront the very fears which seem to have held me back with the woman of my dreams, getting re-focused at work, and refocusing on running for charities (which gives me so much satisfaction). And of course, doing whatever I can to allow my girl to heal which is to leave her alone. I am also toying with writing a book about my experience as both BS and WS as a warning and reminder to other couples about the risks they take. It feels a good idea though no doubt incredibly tough. I know this is going to be a tough holiday weekend because I envisaged just 5 weeks ago it being so much different - life and those we love, must never be taken for granted.
Author gpatb43 Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 We also spoke briefly last night - she called me late from work to respond to a note I had sent her setting her free - we were both emotional, it's clear to me that the connection we had is still there, but it's also clear to me she can't move beyond the hurt, certainly right now. I so want to believe we can rebuild an even stronger relationship - but as others have said, that's only possible if and when she decides she wants to try. My job now, is to focus on me and putting right my life.
Author gpatb43 Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 No. My ex wife cheated on me 6 years ago, and despite forgiving her, she decided to start a new life with the OM - they recently married and now have a child. We divorced in 2006 and I met the girl of my dreams in early 2007 - we were friends until late 2009 when we started a relationship - a beautiful relationship. And then after a few ups and downs, I cheated on her twice in the space of a few days with one girl, whom I no longer talk too. So I should clearly have known better having been the BS myself 6 years earlier. I just screwed up very badly, and have now lost everything. She tells me she has lost everything too, but continues to insist we cannot reconcile nor be friends because of the hurt. Tough as that is for me to accept, because I fell deeply in love with her, I have to accept this chain of events. It is after all, all my fault. I just miss her in my life so very badly.
Author gpatb43 Posted July 3, 2011 Author Posted July 3, 2011 So my saga seems to have reached it's natural end - yesterday, she and I spoke and texted a lot, first with a fair amount of anger and confusion, but I think we reached a good place before saying good bye - we ended this chapter of our lives as we had started, remembering the good times, reminding each other that we loved one another, and wishing the other well with some light humor to the last. I now expect I will not hear from her again - she is a great girl and deserves the very best in life. If one day, my phone rings I would be so very happy but I equally cannot wait my life out to see whether that happens. I do know that I have never felt so bad, but part of me knows that in the pain, lies the answers - if I learn, finally deal with my past, and love again, I can achieve the life I want.
Kidd Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 Such a sad story. Hope you get that call someday. Keep your chin up and moving forward.
Author gpatb43 Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 Thanks Kidd. I came on here for 3 reasons; 1) To solicit the advice and opinions of others on both sides of the divide 2) Because it was cathartic to get my stuff out there rather than bottle it up 3) As a warning to those WS who may read this - you are f****** with the one thing that will haunt you forever if you don't stop, which is the heart of the one you love. DONT DO IT This site really is a huge help. Thanks
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