gpatb43 Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 Here is my sorry thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t282965/ Despite 3 times saying goodbye, she emails again this morning responding to one of our emails exchanges last week. Then she signs off by telling me she is glad I am not looking back and looking to the future? Is she punishing me here (she knows I want to reconcile)? Despite the fact I cheated (which is unforgiveable), should I now be the one to tell her this has to stop, or just NC and delete them as fast as I can. I am trying to stop responding but its so hard
nyrias Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 Here is my sorry thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t282965/ Despite 3 times saying goodbye, she emails again this morning responding to one of our emails exchanges last week. Then she signs off by telling me she is glad I am not looking back and looking to the future? Is she punishing me here (she knows I want to reconcile)? Despite the fact I cheated (which is unforgiveable), should I now be the one to tell her this has to stop, or just NC and delete them as fast as I can. I am trying to stop responding but its so hard NC means just that. Email is easy. Just filter her out. It would be as if you have never received her email.
Mr.Harris Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 Here is my sorry thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t282965/ Despite 3 times saying goodbye, she emails again this morning responding to one of our emails exchanges last week. Then she signs off by telling me she is glad I am not looking back and looking to the future? Is she punishing me here (she knows I want to reconcile)? Despite the fact I cheated (which is unforgiveable), should I now be the one to tell her this has to stop, or just NC and delete them as fast as I can. I am trying to stop responding but its so hard She's not punishing you. She was the one who was punished. Don't even reply. Just go NC with her. She's confused and probably misses the "old" you. She'll stop and heal from the damage caused to her.
OldOnTheInside Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 Well, I see that the self-control test didn't go so well. You'll just be hurting both yourself and her by letting this go on... If you go full NC then you go full NC.
Author gpatb43 Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 Why did the self control test not go so well? She emailed me and I am trying not to respond here .. just seeking as much open advice as possible Well, I see that the self-control test didn't go so well. You'll just be hurting both yourself and her by letting this go on... If you go full NC then you go full NC.
OldOnTheInside Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Why did the self control test not go so well? She emailed me and I am trying not to respond here .. just seeking as much open advice as possible You read and acknowledged her messages no? Do you see where that has lead you? When you say goodbye you have to really mean it.
Kidd Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 I'm no expert here except to say that I am a betrayed spouse and that forgiveness is possible. I had a lot more invested in my relationship (17 years together and 2 young kids) than your girl has in you (not even engaged) but something tells me that her reaching out to you is a signal that she is not done. You can't have faith in that but you should know it is possible. I wouldn't recommend that you initiate any contact (it has to be her coming to you) but expressing a sincere apology each time she reaches out (especially when she lashes out) with no justification but simply a heartfelt, I'm sorry that my actions caused you such terrible pain, and being willing to take whatever course of action she needs to heal can leave the possibilities open. Don't expect anything. She conflicted or she wouldn't be writing. Just my humble opinion. If you own your sh*t, then maybe. Don't ask her for anything. This may hurt if she drags your heart thru the mud but if there's any hope for reconciling, getting your heart dragged thru the mud willingly is just the start.
Author gpatb43 Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 Kidd - thank you for those words. I have spent much of the weekend in the company of close friends trying to garner advice as to what to do. She and I had discussed marriage - she knew I was going to propose this past week and told me she would have said yes. This was before the infidelity of course. I was close to running over to propose to her (OldOn TheInside would disapprove) but different people have different views. I am just totally confused - despite my acts (which are wrong and I both own that crap and am dealing with it), I believe deep in my heart this girl is the 'one'. Again I know I open myself to all sorts of abuse here because people will say "if thats true, why did you cheat" etc, but people make mistakes, some WAY bigger than others, and I just dont want to regret knowing I did everything possible to put right what I did wrong. Bottom line, she told me no relationship and no friendship - I feel the best course of action (though my heart sinks every time I acknowledge it) is to leave her alone.
OldOnTheInside Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 (edited) OldOn TheInside would disapproveI wouldn't disapprove of anything. You instigated NC on your own accord, and have seemingly lasted less than 24 hours. That is entirely on you. Since you are now suggesting such contradictory ideals, it seems quite clear that you are still in a state of confusion. The fact is, neither you nor your girlfriend are in the most rational state of mind at the moment. That is why it would be illogical to make serious decisions so soon. Nonetheless, if you believe that there is a chance of reconciliation, nothing is stopping you from going down that path. Edited June 20, 2011 by OldOnTheInside
Author gpatb43 Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 I agree - one minute I am in panic, next in hope, next in desperation, next in fear - I am totally confused. If I get the NC theory, it will serve to allow us both to put this behind us and move on apart - which may very well be the right thing - but what if it isn't?
Kidd Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Best advice I always hear is to put your own life back together. Leave her alone unless she initiates contact. If she contacts, apologize without justification, tell her your are honoring her by moving on but that you are here for her and willing to change the world if she wants to try reconciling. Being in limbo is brutal. That's the price you're paying. Accept that it's about her now. Don't be pathetic (such as the proposal) because it's unattractive and it's about you. If you can do anything for her, it's doing whatever is necessary to help her heal from this. That may mean NC. Again, she sounds conflicted if she's contacting you. Let her do it as much as she wants unless it is for cruelty. This is just my best guess. Take in other opinions, too, but ulimately you must decide what you are willing and able to do. I just wanted to say that reconciliation is not impossible. It's incredibly hard on both people and right now she doesn't owe you sh*t. Don't count on it and do the right thing anyway. At least you can start to be proud of some of your decisions and maybe you'll get the side benefit of a second chance.
Author gpatb43 Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 She just texted again, remarking how she cant even think about walking on the UWS because thats where i live, her sister lives, and this is all so difficult. as usual she closed pretty passively "I guess its just time that heals - enjoy your time with your family". I am going to not respond - if she texts or emails me again after tonight, follow Kidd's advice (for which I thank you).
OldOnTheInside Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 As a final piece of advice, actually reading her messages in the first place will make NC even harder. NC is about you, not her.
Kidd Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Not replying is probably a good idea. Just about anything you say will just piss her off. Plus, if you always go to her, she can't come towards you. If she keeps coming, be prepared for the hard part of making up for it (for like, forever).
Kidd Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 By the way, I'm a complete amateur. Advice from your friends may well be better than mine. There are some other really good, experienced posters on this board.
2long Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Forgive me for only briefly skimming your other thread, but I have a few observations: NC is for the BS who wants 2 separate themselves from the hurt of an unremorseful WS' affair. NC is for a WS who's ended their affair and wants 2 show their BS that they're sincere - where the NC is with the OP, not the BS. I don't see how you going NC on your xGF helps you. Now, if your xGF were here, the first thing I would say 2 her is that she is for2nate in that she found out about your infidelities BEFORE she married you. NC with you would be in her best interest. You said: She and I had discussed marriage - she knew I was going to propose this past week and told me she would have said yes. This was before the infidelity of course. You mean "before she found out" don't you? Because the infidelity must have been going on for some time before she found out, right? I hope you don't think that it was okay 2 cheat so long as she didn't find out about it, or it was okay 2 propose 2 her and have her accept your proposal so long as she didn't know you don't believe that withholding vital information about her relationship from her isn't lying? Anyway, I don't think you should seek NC. If there is even a small chance at recovery (and it has got 2 be by her initiative), you will need 2 be receptive and watching for the signs and messages. HOWEVER, recognize that it takes most people between 2 and 5 YEARS 2 get over the pain of being betrayed like she was. So don't expect anything 2 happen overnight (in fact, be suspicious of quick, likely-false recoveries). Again, she's not here (or I would advise her 2 NC you), you are. Do whatever it takes 2 recover your own integrity after what you did. Be prepared 2 have a healthy, mutually respectful relationship with somebody someday. If that 2rns out 2 be here in a couple years, fine, but make sure you're sincere and she isn't just attached 2 you in an unhealthy way. -ol' 2long
Author gpatb43 Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 Forgive me for only briefly skimming your other thread, but I have a few observations: NC is for the BS who wants 2 separate themselves from the hurt of an unremorseful WS' affair. NC is for a WS who's ended their affair and wants 2 show their BS that they're sincere - where the NC is with the OP, not the BS. I don't see how you going NC on your xGF helps you. Now, if your xGF were here, the first thing I would say 2 her is that she is for2nate in that she found out about your infidelities BEFORE she married you. NC with you would be in her best interest. You said: You mean "before she found out" don't you? Because the infidelity must have been going on for some time before she found out, right? I hope you don't think that it was okay 2 cheat so long as she didn't find out about it, or it was okay 2 propose 2 her and have her accept your proposal so long as she didn't know you don't believe that withholding vital information about her relationship from her isn't lying? Anyway, I don't think you should seek NC. If there is even a small chance at recovery (and it has got 2 be by her initiative), you will need 2 be receptive and watching for the signs and messages. HOWEVER, recognize that it takes most people between 2 and 5 YEARS 2 get over the pain of being betrayed like she was. So don't expect anything 2 happen overnight (in fact, be suspicious of quick, likely-false recoveries). Again, she's not here (or I would advise her 2 NC you), you are. Do whatever it takes 2 recover your own integrity after what you did. Be prepared 2 have a healthy, mutually respectful relationship with somebody someday. If that 2rns out 2 be here in a couple years, fine, but make sure you're sincere and she isn't just attached 2 you in an unhealthy way. -ol' 2long Thank you - sobering, but keeps me on track. I am doing as Kidd said - I am not reaching out to her, but if and when she reaches out to me, I am just respectfully acknowledging my mistakes and reminding her I am here if and when she wants to talk. I have accepted this may never be the woman I marry as much as I had hoped for that. No it was not ok to lie to her, ever, married or not. I would have come clean eventually because the guilt would have eaten me up (this never happened before despite two very healthy long term relationships in my life before now). Therapy is hard but am determined to understand the why and take the steps to avoid this, irrespective my future.
Author gpatb43 Posted June 22, 2011 Author Posted June 22, 2011 i don't ean to be rude or aything, but it does sound as if lettig her go and working on yourself right now may be bet for both of you ( even though it will probably be really painful). if you two do get back together too soon, before you have a chance to show her that you have resolved whatever issues there were within you that allowed you to cheat on her, you may find yourself constantly fighting an uphill battle to show her that she can trust you. That doesn't sound very fair to either one of you.. whatever happens, best of luck to you. Thank you truly. I dont deserve any luck given what I did, but you are right about the "too soon" piece. As friends have told me, this has to be a decision on her part alone, to come to me, else we would never have a chance anyway. As much as I hope she does, I truly want her to be happy and to live the dreams we had together (even if that means, painfully for me) with someone who she can trust - and so that is just what I have to accept.
PinkInTheLimo Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I'm no expert here except to say that I am a betrayed spouse and that forgiveness is possible. I had a lot more invested in my relationship (17 years together and 2 young kids) than your girl has in you (not even engaged) but something tells me that her reaching out to you is a signal that she is not done. You can't have faith in that but you should know it is possible. I wouldn't recommend that you initiate any contact (it has to be her coming to you) but expressing a sincere apology each time she reaches out (especially when she lashes out) with no justification but simply a heartfelt, I'm sorry that my actions caused you such terrible pain, and being willing to take whatever course of action she needs to heal can leave the possibilities open. Don't expect anything. She conflicted or she wouldn't be writing. Just my humble opinion. If you own your sh*t, then maybe. Don't ask her for anything. This may hurt if she drags your heart thru the mud but if there's any hope for reconciling, getting your heart dragged thru the mud willingly is just the start. That is my take as well, and would be the way I would feel if my BF cheated on me. I would be totally conflicted. On the one hand, would not want to have anything to do with BF anymore, on the other hand that would mean cutting off a hand and a leg if I loved him. You want the old situation back but you can't because something unforgiveable has happened.
Author gpatb43 Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 Gpatb43, Any update? Been thinking of your situation. Hi - nothing, no contact at all since Tuesday last week. Its incredibly hard not reaching out personally, but I know I have to accept she needs time and is very likely working to get on with her life. Thats the outcome I haver to accept I think. I know it will get easier for me over time, just right now its very difficult (but in that is the lesson that should help me avoid this in the future). I know I deserve what I got, but it simply doesnt make it any easier especially when my actions were so out of context with the way I try to lead my life and the way we shared 2 years together. We had ups and down of course, but never anything of this magnitude. Therapy continues, good friends are providing incredible support. And your situation?
Kidd Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Sorry to hear that. Had my fingers crossed for you but she's not sounding very conflicted anymore. If you have any mutual friends remaining that can fill you in on her POV but I suspect you've already tried something like that an that's it's best to move on with your life. You sound young and with a lot of life left. Learn from it and go forward. If you're lucky, maybe she'll let you make it up to her someday. Write later about my situation. Short on time and that's a loaded question.
Author gpatb43 Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 Sorry to hear that. Had my fingers crossed for you but she's not sounding very conflicted anymore. If you have any mutual friends remaining that can fill you in on her POV but I suspect you've already tried something like that an that's it's best to move on with your life. You sound young and with a lot of life left. Learn from it and go forward. If you're lucky, maybe she'll let you make it up to her someday. Write later about my situation. Short on time and that's a loaded question. Am not sure she ever was conflicted - I know because I was the BS 5 years ago how destroyed one feels - I chose to forgive despite my hurt and while she decided to stick with the OM, we are friends which I value - truly believe she was remorseful - but as evidenced on these boards, we are all different and must make choices we can live with. I'm looking forward because no matter the heartache and pain, there is nowhere else to look - I took the biggest risk of my life and it blew up in NY face and cost me everything - my new life started today and I am wiser, smarter, more humbled, and determined to learn from this terrible event. With the love of family and friends, and with therapy, I will also be a better man. As for my BS, I don't know but I hope and pray her life too is better without me in it.
Kidd Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Sounds like you have a healthy outlook. I'm sure it's harder than you let on. Regardless, make a good life out of it. As for my scenario, we continue to reconcile. I recently exposed everything to the other man's wife. She had their house on the market in two days. No sure why but I feel for the guy. Oh well, he asked for it by sleeping with my wife and then failing to come clean with his own when it ended. I had to ensure that the affair was over and the OMW deserved to know. The betrayal is brutal and our current issue is trust. I'm not a fan of hyper-paranoid monitoring but using it and discovering honesty works to establish trust. Wrestling with it. Anyway, overall we're very well. She's been really remorseful and done whatever I've needed. Anything short of it would've been divorce. Glad neither of us made that choice. Good luck and hit me up anytime you want to chat.
Author gpatb43 Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 Sounds like you have a healthy outlook. I'm sure it's harder than you let on. Regardless, make a good life out of it. As for my scenario, we continue to reconcile. I recently exposed everything to the other man's wife. She had their house on the market in two days. No sure why but I feel for the guy. Oh well, he asked for it by sleeping with my wife and then failing to come clean with his own when it ended. I had to ensure that the affair was over and the OMW deserved to know. The betrayal is brutal and our current issue is trust. I'm not a fan of hyper-paranoid monitoring but using it and discovering honesty works to establish trust. Wrestling with it. Anyway, overall we're very well. She's been really remorseful and done whatever I've needed. Anything short of it would've been divorce. Glad neither of us made that choice. Good luck and hit me up anytime you want to chat. I am really glad - for you both. If your W is as remorseful as you believe, and you have the love and faith to give her the opportunity to re-establish the trust in your relationship, I wish you both eternal luck. Its nice to see that people can recover from terrible mistakes, that people see there are risks either way for both BS and WS, and that the pain can often lead to even better, stronger relationships.
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