superchiefs Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 After a 5.5 year relationship, my finance dumped me because she had doubts and needed to find herself. This was 2 months ago. At first, I tried talking to her about it, we had break up sex, but as the days went by, she started to pull away from me more and more. So finally, 3 weeks ago, I went no contact. I am sure that there is no other guy involved and I believe that she has spent most of the past 2 months sitting at home by herself, other than those first 5 weeks where I hung out with her in an attempt to get her to realize the mistake she was making. Today I got the following message from her: "i know you dont want to talk to me or hear from me and that this is a bad idea to even send but i just want you to know how sorry i am that i've done any of this to you, and i miss having you as my friend and someone to talk to." Should I just ignore it? Even though she took me for granted and dumped me, I do still love her. However, I could never see myself as just being her friend. I would never be able to move on in to a new romantic relationship as long as I am involved with her.
Author superchiefs Posted June 19, 2011 Author Posted June 19, 2011 This is a tough one and people might not agree with my reply. I think you need to accept the relationship is over and pick up the pieces and move forward with your life. Your ex is a good person (otherwise why spend 5 and a half years together) and just wants you to know she misses you and is sorry for breaking your heart. She sounds sincere, but this isn't helping your recovery. I would reply saying I miss you too, but it's important for my recovery that we remain no contact. Then wish her well. It's great when people can show class, genuinity, empathy, compassion and general good will towards each other when a relationshp ends, instead of intentionally going out to hurt one another ruining any nice memories you ever had. 5 and a half years is a long time together. No matter what she will always be special to you because that is a big chunk of your life in an important time of your life. Thanks for the response. The reply you suggested I send is essentially the message I sent her several weeks ago when I went NC. I told her that I was going to take some time for myself to heal and that she could email me, but to not be offended if I did not respond. I then wished her well. So do you think it is really necessary for me to respond with the same message I sent her several weeks ago? Also, I went ahead and started dating again. Several girls contacted me after they heard the news of my broken engagement. I went on my first date 2 weeks ago, it went well. I have another date this week with a different girl, so I think I have been doing a really good job of moving on as long as my ex isnt around. I discovered that after she broke up with me, every time I saw her and she rejected me, I would get really depressed. However, I also know that I am still interested in my ex, but I have discovered that I am also interested in several of the girls that are interested in me now that the door to explore has been opened.
geegirl Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 Stay NC. She knows the deal. No need to keep recycling the same issue. Ending the relationship comes with losing you as a friend and someone to talk to. It was her choice. You stay on NC and keep focusing on your healing. Contact will keep you stuck.
Ajax Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 Well she said she missed you as a friend, so it's clear that she isn't interested in reconciling the relationship beyond friendship. I agree that since you already sent her a message saying you're going NC that you don't need to send her another. In fact sticking to your guns shows that you're sincere. This was her choice. She wanted out of the relationship and missing you is part of the price she has to pay for that. She's not a bad person, as stated by Jason, but she still has to abide by the consequences of her decision. She wants to be friends, you want a romantic relationship. Neither of you can give the other what they want, so respectfully exiting each other's lives is best for you both.
Author superchiefs Posted June 19, 2011 Author Posted June 19, 2011 Ok, if I wanted there to still be a chance of having a romantic relationship with this girl in the future, would not responding and sticking with NC be my best course of action?
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 Ok, if I wanted there to still be a chance of having a romantic relationship with this girl in the future, would not responding and sticking with NC be my best course of action? Yes, it shows independence, respect for both you and her, and strength in yourself. all attractive traits. breaking NC shows desperation, neediness, and puts her in a place of power. When/If she contacts you with hopes of reconciliation that will put you in the place of power.
Exit Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 Ok, if I wanted there to still be a chance of having a romantic relationship with this girl in the future, would not responding and sticking with NC be my best course of action? Mostly likely. All she's looking for right now is comfort about what happened, and wants to be friends. Not good to be available to her right now.
coolheadal Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 Always friends they want to be and you the other have to deal with things which effects you emotionally. I can't be my wife friend and now she's mad I had said that. What kind of friendship would that be? I would stay far away from that person as they don't know what they want from a relationship. Best you found this out before saying I DO!
D-Lish Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Ok, if I wanted there to still be a chance of having a romantic relationship with this girl in the future, would not responding and sticking with NC be my best course of action? I'd say so. Put it this way, she's only offering you friendship in that message, so continue on with NC. There is nothing good that could come from breaking NC to have a friendly conversation. It will make you miss her even more- it would be a big set back. Her message doesn't deserve a response. It's not like she's saying "I made a huge mistake, can we talk???" If she says that, then break NC to respond- otherwise, stick to your healing.
Author superchiefs Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 Thank you everyone for the responses and just to let everyone know, I plan to follow the advice given to me and maintain NC.
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