SWLAD Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 Hi, Apologies for the length of this. I just think it's probably best to give as much detail as possible! About a month ago my girlfriend of 2 1/2 years broke up with me saying that her feelings had changed. Naturally I was completely gutted and have since had difficulty sleeping or even keeping my mind from wandering back to thoughts of her. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Before I go any further I'll give you a little background. We met at University and just clicked. We spent about 2 months just hanging out as friends, she'd stay over at mine in my bed but we didn't do anything - not even kissing. There was always a sexual tension between us and obvious chemistry until we went out for her birthday and got together. From there we went through a slightly rocky point where I was getting commitment anxiety left over from a very messy breakup that I had only just really gotten over prior to meeting this girl. This lead to us leaving things for a period of one evening where she tried (and succeeded!) to make me jealous by flirting and kissing another lad in front of me at a University event. From this I realised how much I liked her and we had a talk resulting in us ending up together. Fast forward 6 months and we are arguing quite a lot. This is making us both extremely unhappy and so I decide to break up with her. I thought that this would make me happier but it seems to have the opposite affect. After a couple of weeks (where I am constantly running into her at University events) and we have a drunken conversation where I tell her that I realised I had made a mistake and I want her back. She agrees without batting an eyelid. After getting back together things are better than ever and we enjoy a further 2 years together - albeit with some hiccups along the way. We would sometimes have big arguments but nothing that lasted more than a couple of days. Throughout our relationship there was only one mention of the 'L' word - by her - when we were going through the first mini-breakup. I didn't feel I was able to say it to her in that situation as I was so unhappy with how things were and she admitted that she was telling me now because she wanted to save our relationship (not that it wasn't true but that her motivation for revealing it to me was because she wanted me to know how much I meant to her). In retrospect I think that the only reason I never told her I loved her was that I tried hard to keep her at an emotional arms-length from me after having been so hurt by the girl that I had been with before her - someone whom I had opened myself up to entirely and been so hurt by. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Back to the present and we tried to employ a NC period which was fairly hampered by the fact that we work together and so are forced to interact with one another on a fairly regular basis. Luckily the first two weeks of the break-up coincided with her going on holiday with her family so we were able to stick to NC to a certain degree. The first day back from her holiday and we see each other at work. I tried speaking to her politely but she was apparently annoyed that while she was away I had been going out a lot with friends - in particular a mutual work friend. This leads to a mini-argument at work though by the end of the day she has sent me a text apologising for her behaviour. A load of us go to after-work drinks where she talks to me openly and is very friendly. Throughout the rest of the week I don't contact her and she sends me the occasional text or facebook message. That friday and I ran into her best friend on a night out. They start talking to me about my ex and end up telling me that they get the impression from her that she still has feelings for me. This, naturally, sets my mind racing. The same night and my ex (who is out with other friends) sends me a drunk 2am text asking how I am. The next day at work she sends me a text asking if I wanted to go see a film after work. I agree thinking that maybe the NC rule has worked and she misses me. We go to a late screening which finishes at 2am. I offer to walk her home as she has a flat near my house on an estate that can be dangerous so late at night. I walk her back, she invites me in as none of her flatmates are in and she is 'scared'. I do. Then after a little chatting she offers to let me stay as it's late and she is scared of the idea of being in the house alone. I umm and aaah a bit knowing I should say no but end up staying. Nothing happens sexually just some flirtatious tickling and accidental contact. No spooning either! The next morning and we are both working in the evening and she talks about going to get a pub lunch but moans about not having anyone to go with. I take this as a hint and offer to go with her but she hesitates saying it might not be a good idea. I quickly backtrack and say its ok, if she doesn't find anyone else I'd be happy to go as I'm hungry too. She ends up going with another female work friend. After this there is, again, limited contact, other than at work, for a week or so. Albeit with some signs of her thinking and caring about me (phoning me during a shift to see if I wanted food from a shop she was going to). Then this Friday she was working a late evening event which I was also working. There was alcohol involved and we were all drinking a bit. She then ends up asking if it is alright for her to stay at mine as she has left her flat keys at her parents and has missed her last train back there. I agree thinking that these must be signals from her that she wants me back. Especially considering what her best friend said to me the previous week! We get back to mine and there is a bit of playful flirtation and hugging when she suddenly says that we shouldn't be getting this close. This results in us having a talk where she says that her feelings about the break up havent changed nor have her feelings. Even so we go to sleep and spoon a little (mistake I know!). The next morning the talk isn't mentioned and we're talking as if nothing happened. She has a shower at mine and is going to head out to meet her best friend to go shopping. She then asks if its ok if she leaves some of her stuff at mine so she doesnt have to carry a heavy bag around all day. I agree and am meant to be bringing it to work tonight for her. Now I am really confused. It seems to me that she seems to be sending mixed signals. The way she acts around me seems to imply something more, the way she talks to her best friend about me is enough to imply to them something more yet when I put myself on the line she shoots me down and says there is nothing more. Am I just being a mug and letting her walk all over me? Am I being 'that guy' that she uses when it suits her or is she just confused? I don't know what to think anymore.
BCCA Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 You are being 'that guy' that she uses because you're the only male attention she's getting. First off, her friends are just stirring the pot. They might like the idea of you two together more than she does, and probably just don't want to hear her complain or talk about the split anymore. Don't take what they say seriously at all. They aren't her. Second, she's staying at your house, or you at hers, but she was sure to make it clear she hasn't changed her mind about you. CLEAR SIGN she's using you for validation. If/when she finds another guy, she won't interact with you at all. She's feeling the loss of the relationship as well, just from a different angle; she doesn't have a guy to make her feel wanted. Lastly, you're acting like a bozo, taking whatever breadcrumbs she tosses you and not worrying about what you want. You aren't getting enough to keep YOU happy, you're just getting what SHE wants to get by. If yóu stay on this path, you'll keep feeling like crap over and over. Nip it in the bud, unless you can get what you need from a woman, don't be her source of attention. Talk to her like you would anyone else at work, domt hang out/text her after work, and go on with your life. This one is GOING TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE one day, don't wait around for that to happen. Go no-contact ASAP, trust me. I've been in your shoes.
citrusdrop1688 Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 Even if she does have feelings for you shes probably tired of being in an emotionally barren relationship. I literally can not imagine being with someone for 2 1/2 years and never having that man tell me that he loves me. Why doesnt really matter. If you arent saying you love her because you are scared of being hurt I'm sure that you act distant as well. If shes gone that long without being in an emotionally fulfilling relationship shes probably accepted that your relationship has no future. Im certain she still cares for you, but maybe she doesnt think thats enough.
Author SWLAD Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 Aye I know I'm being a mug. I've decide to not allow any future use of me being a convenient place to stay. Saying that she seems unwilling to take her things back. Is this a sign that she is unprepared to move on too? It seems to me that she doesn't want to break ofc all contact. In the time I've known her she's always been indecisive but I'm not sure if I'm just trying to find excuses to hope. And aye, I should've said I lived her sooner. I've let her know since that I do, for all the good it did, but I know that there is where it all went wrong. There was nothing else rely wrong with things other than my inability, or unwillingness, to take it to the 'next level'. I feel that some time apart might make us appreciate each other more. It already has for me. So I think I might as well carry on with things. Either we get back together down the line or I get over her. Unfortunately NC is off the books as the job I do requires interacting with her on a regular basis. I'm just going to have to stick to LC I guess!
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