why does it take so long for us to realise they arnt coming back?

[usabup]

My ex left me over 3 months ago now. I havnt seen her since the day she left and we have hardly spoken.

 

But only in this last week or so have I actually started to realise that she isn't coming back. And now, I feel like its day 1 of the break up all over again!

 

Why does it take so long for it all to sink in? She has probably be over me for weeks, but yet I seem to have been blind to it. Man, I would do anything for things to go back to how they were.

[truenigma]

Im in the same boat...but my rel/ship was over five years long with three breakups...its coming up on a year since the last breakup...I don't know how to get past this either...don't even feel like trying anymore:sick:

[TearyEyedPride]

I think we hold out hope in that denial stage. It's like subconsciously we're thinking... ok they broke up with me... but "it could", "it might", "maybe", "hopefully"... and really the bad part about it is... NO "it will not" "it won't" "no" "there is no hope". So when we finally accept those ending terms... it hurts because it's crushing those pieces of hope that we had left. Definitely a bad day.

 

With my relationship... I had suffered one break up that hurt me. And then he needed a break... so this time when he was acting weird on me, although he dumped me, I just couldn't do the holding out hope thing anymore. It's like he disabled the fight in me. I know inside I still love him, a part of me probably will for a long time coming, but it was his decision to end it with me, and push me away, and I can't continue to hold on to someone who's trying to get rid of me. So it is what it is.

 

We're all in similar boats though. And we're all gonna pull through.

[dreamscape123]

yup, its a seriously rubbish feeling......Going through it too.... Still in denyal about it all at moment really... Good thoughts from TearyEyedPride there.....

[Movingthrough]

Try to tell yourself too that you dont miss that person, you miss the feelings that came with it. I tell myself that too, i mean there will be others out there that can give you that feeling minus the drama that your ex now holds. The body is addicted to the feeling, but when you sit down and really think about it, its not the person its what that person made you feel like. Which means someone else can make you feel like that too in a better way.

[RuinedLife]

Try to tell yourself too that you dont miss that person, you miss the feelings that came with it. I tell myself that too, i mean there will be others out there that can give you that feeling minus the drama that your ex now holds. The body is addicted to the feeling, but when you sit down and really think about it, its not the person its what that person made you feel like. Which means someone else can make you feel like that too in a better way.

 

Good advice.

 

Yes I feel exactly the same though usabup.

 

I feel like time got frozen at the point of the break up for me (in reality over 5 months ago!!!!) while my ex has long long looonng since moved on.

 

And I too would give almost anything at this point to get things back the way they were. But I realize telling how much I love him etc is not going to work. Not now, and likely not ever. I dread to imagine what he thinks about me after the cringing displays of insecurity I exhibited.

[TheVSilent]

It is a hope thing. It has been a month since my girlfriend cut ties with me, I was emotionally abusive off and on and we have a crazy 5 year relationship. When she broke up with me, it was through Facebook and text messeges. I think because it was this way and this cold of a cut off that I held hope that maybe if she heard my voice again or one day talked to me I could change her mind. I went 2 weeks strong NC, broke down and tried to talk to her on Facebook, but of course no response.

 

Earlier today I tried again, yes I did, and she finally after a month blocked me on Facebook. I think this is the dagger I needed to move on, as little as Facebook is, that tells me a whole lot. It kills me, it really does, and I am trying to realize that I have to move on, but part of me can't understand how she could cut me off so easily after 5 years. Best advice I got is to never talk to them if they don't talk to you, I probably just drove her further and further away.

[batsheba]

why did you guys breakup usabup? what were the circumstances? were there a lot of angry words?

i broke up just about the same time you guys did. i am still in pain but can move on now and it has sunk into me already that he isn't coming back, although i did not try to have him back. what i did was i alienated myself from anything that is related to him. get his stuff out of sight, put it away, delete old emails, delete all photos. and most of all, acceptance. it is just a chapter in our lives that had closed.

[california15]

I can't tell if I've accepted that the last good byes we exchanged were forever, or if I'm in an involuntary denial that one day will hit me in the face.

 

Maybe it takes us so long to realize it because when they breakup with us a void is left that we think only they can fill and we have a hard time accepting that, or that we have all these future plans with them and when they leave its a panic.

 

I think it's best to look at the situation and think of it as OVER OVER. FOR GOOD. that way we don't hold on to false hope which could hinder our moving on process.

[dreamscape123]

I can't tell if I've accepted that the last good byes we exchanged were forever, or if I'm in an involuntary denial that one day will hit me in the face.

 

Maybe it takes us so long to realize it because when they breakup with us a void is left that we think only they can fill and we have a hard time accepting that, or that we have all these future plans with them and when they leave its a panic.

 

I think it's best to look at the situation and think of it as OVER OVER. FOR GOOD. that way we don't hold on to false hope which could hinder our moving on process.

 

 

Yea thats an interesting point you made, also if the break up comes as a sudden thing that you dont see coming, like i didnt, not only does it leave you with a hole that you find hard to see anyone else filling, Its the shock of future plans that are suddenly not going to happen.... ( in my case marrying and children in the future ) And my ex went off with a new guy within a week of ending it.... Makes me wonder how after making these plans... etc etc

[MissMoni]

You are right about feeling like there is a void to feel. I was talking to a life coach a couple of months ago and she said the reason that we sometimes have problems letting go is because we feel like there is only one way that we think we can get a particular feeling. So its not necessarily our ex we miss, but the "future" we think we are being gypped out of and also the way they made us FEEL - good about ourselves. We miss our self esteem.

[california15]

dreamscape - yeah mine called me and told me he had a new gf [after knowing her for 2 weeks]... He and I talked about marriage, the whole 9 yards. Known him for 10 years, one of the family. And i was planning my life with him, and this call came out of no where and essentially I went into panic mode. This wasn't supposed to happen thoughts... I think we're almost so dependent on the other person that when they leave we don't know what to do, because in our minds, the relationship will last forever.

 

But yeah... I think once Ive reached acceptance I'll move on better. I guess well all reach it eventually.

[Movingthrough]

Usually we have this thought or feeling that our exes didnt care and just "moved on", the sense that what we had was a joke because they could move on so fast. That was my number one problem during my break up was if you can move on so fast then that basically proves what we had was a joke. But when you look at the facts you can always find the fact that there were issues under the surface.

 

From what i have seen and people i have talked too, the dumpers are not as happy as they let off with their new S.O and they hurt a lot more then they let off during the break up. This brings me back to my whole thing on "focus's". If you have a shiny new toy in front of your face its not going to hurt as bad, plus the dumper was more "over it" because they ended it. When a dumper gets out of something where they pushed it to the "love" point, then breaks it off abruptly and leaves, they have underlying issues and the next relationships they have are not going to be great.

 

When you read on here, most of the breakups are so hard because the dumper seems to have real issues under the surface and the dumpee cant believe that the problems actually lead to a break up. The epidemic that we are dealing with is the fact that so many people that are pushing serious relationships are doing it because they are messed up mentally when it comes to themselves, everyone seems to be running from something and using other people to help that. Then, those people usually pull out leaving the dumpee like ahhhh what?

 

While this is not every situation, im typing this because the things going on in our heads as a dumpee, are not always accurate. Most of the time we are stuck on the chemical addiction we have for having our "soul mate" around. I can admit for me personally that i sometimes wonder if i will ever have the feeling that i had with my ex again, but thats easy to say while im single, if i met someone tomorrow whos to say they cant do that?

 

Remember that even demographics wise there are too many people in the world for one person to make you feel like this and no one else. Dont look at it like they arent coming back, look at it like right now its not supposed to be something and thats it.

[thelovingkind]

I think there's a self-preservation aspect to post-break up denial. Bouts of false hope allow the grief to gently escape our body at staggered intervals over weeks and months which keep our lives in some semblance of order throughout the process. If we never experienced even a shred of false hope, I think the sadness would be so overwhelming that everything might just grind to a halt and we would lose our jobs, our houses, our friends and basically our lives. Obviously, sometimes that does happen.

 

The interesting thing I've learnt about denial is that it's not simply a false projection or a false hope or a simple delusion, it's actually an entire false universe that your mind constructs, a universe in which you are able to psychologically confront and resolve the possibility of being in denial while, beneath that, you are still being in denial about the whole thing. There's really no way to escape it, so I think it does serve a purpose.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

I think there's a self-preservation aspect to post-break up denial. Bouts of false hope allow the grief to gently escape our body at staggered intervals over weeks and months which keep our lives in some semblance of order throughout the process. If we never experienced even a shred of false hope, I think the sadness would be so overwhelming that everything might just grind to a halt and we would lose our jobs, our houses, our friends and basically our lives. Obviously, sometimes that does happen.

 

The interesting thing I've learnt about denial is that it's not simply a false projection or a false hope or a simple delusion, it's actually an entire false universe that your mind constructs, a universe in which you are able to psychologically confront and resolve the possibility of being in denial while, beneath that, you are still being in denial about the whole thing. There's really no way to escape it, so I think it does serve a purpose.

 

 

Agreed.

 

 

I think we preserve the hope that they will come back as a way of basic survival. generally people don't like change (well we do but not huge sudden changes). holding onto that hope gives us a goal or purpose, to either get that person back or wait for them to come back. I think that hope dissipates over time when it can be replaced with hope from something else or even someone else.

 

don't take this post as something that really bashes on false hopes or even hope in general. having hope can lead to amazing things, and even false hope has it's way of sometimes leading to something great.

 

 

my suggestion to deal with this hope of them coming back is: it is perfectly fine to have that hope. providing you keep that hope in the back of your mind and it isn't your main goal.

[thelovingkind]

Agreed.

 

 

I think we preserve the hope that they will come back as a way of basic survival. generally people don't like change (well we do but not huge sudden changes). holding onto that hope gives us a goal or purpose, to either get that person back or wait for them to come back. I think that hope dissipates over time when it can be replaced with hope from something else or even someone else.

 

don't take this post as something that really bashes on false hopes or even hope in general. having hope can lead to amazing things, and even false hope has it's way of sometimes leading to something great.

 

 

my suggestion to deal with this hope of them coming back is: it is perfectly fine to have that hope. providing you keep that hope in the back of your mind and it isn't your main goal.

 

Nice way of putting it. The final thing I would add to this discussion in defense of false hope is that you have to channel it in the right ways. If you're constantly turning down invitations to spend time with friends and family members in case the ex decides to contact you, for example, or if you're considering turning down a scholarship to study overseas that you otherwise would have died for just in case they want a second chance, then you're not using false hope in a constructive way.

 

If on the other hand, you grab on to that hope and use it to pull your life back together, or even just to keep it on track in the short to medium term, then I think that can be a great thing. In the opening weeks and sometimes months after a break up, the last thing you want to do is keep eating healthy, going to the gym, looking after yourself, staying engaged in work etc. because it might land you someone new. And doing it for "personal development" isn't that tempting either when you're grief-stricken.

However, there is a strong possibility that you can keep yourself on track if you're convinced that it might lure your ex back. If this is the motivation to stop you from turning yourself into a hermit in the freshly broken up phase, then I think that's fine - that's what false hope is for.

[dreamscape123]

dreamscape - yeah mine called me and told me he had a new gf [after knowing her for 2 weeks]... He and I talked about marriage, the whole 9 yards. Known him for 10 years, one of the family. And i was planning my life with him, and this call came out of no where and essentially I went into panic mode. This wasn't supposed to happen thoughts... I think we're almost so dependent on the other person that when they leave we don't know what to do, because in our minds, the relationship will last forever.

 

But yeah... I think once Ive reached acceptance I'll move on better. I guess well all reach it eventually.

 

 

I am really sorry to hear that, I hope it works out for you. My ex g/f sent all the I am so sorry texts to me, and I love you, and miss you, but i cant be with you texts to me too... makes it hurt even more...

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Nice way of putting it. The final thing I would add to this discussion in defense of false hope is that you have to channel it in the right ways. If you're constantly turning down invitations to spend time with friends and family members in case the ex decides to contact you, for example, or if you're considering turning down a scholarship to study overseas that you otherwise would have died for just in case they want a second chance, then you're not using false hope in a constructive way.

 

If on the other hand, you grab on to that hope and use it to pull your life back together, or even just to keep it on track in the short to medium term, then I think that can be a great thing. In the opening weeks and sometimes months after a break up, the last thing you want to do is keep eating healthy, going to the gym, looking after yourself, staying engaged in work etc. because it might land you someone new. And doing it for "personal development" isn't that tempting either when you're grief-stricken.

However, there is a strong possibility that you can keep yourself on track if you're convinced that it might lure your ex back. If this is the motivation to stop you from turning yourself into a hermit in the freshly broken up phase, then I think that's fine - that's what false hope is for.

 

 

Very Nice Addition... couldn't have said it better myself, we should write a book together haha.

[california15]

Definitely agree with the self-preservation idea too.

 

I'd read your book!