Spikey2 Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 I'm in love with a girl called Alisha. I'm only 19 and we went to the same secondary school. I only really noticed her in the last 2 years of school and I became really close to her and found out that she was an extraordinary person. I started to grow feelings for her and I thought she was growing feelings for me as well. I remember times when I would go into sixth form and I would try to find the rooms that she was in so I could stay in there and try and talk to her, I didn’t know why but I just knew I wanted to be around her. As we grew closer and closer I thought things were going good and that something might happen between me and her, but there was a party and I remember that night she wouldn't kiss me and when I got home she called me to tell me that she felt really guilty because she had kissed my best friend. I felt sick but I never told her and said everything was ok, the next time I saw her in sixth form I tried to avoid her and when me and her finally got some alone time she cried because she told me that she didn't know if she felt the same for me. This really hurt me but again I didn't tell her because she didn't need to know and I didn't want her to feel guilty, so after a little while me and her were good as new but I started to show a little less affection because I though she never liked me in that way. About a month later there was a meal for a friend and a group of us were out, there was a new guy that was there and I could tell that he was interested in Alisha and because he kept trying to talk to me and her because again me and her were close that night. Once everyone had left the table that night it was just me and him there and he asked me if she had a boyfriend because he was interested, I told him she was free even though I still liked her but I still felt she wasn’t interested in me and I didn't feel like I had the right to stop him and her being happy. I told her that I gave up and that guy was interested in her. This whole thing really messed me up and I've just realized that it really knocked my confidence with girls and that I started to get low self-esteem. At the time I was having family issues and that really didn't help either. Anyways time passed and three months later I found out that the guy was her new boyfriend. I thought I was over Alisha at the time but when I found out I realised that I really wasn't because the feeling I had in my stomach was unbearable but again I never told her. The beginning of their relationship I'm assuming was good but I know for fact the end part wasn't as good. She used to call and txt me at early hours telling me about problems that they were having and really personal problems that she was having because we were still really good friends. I always told her to give him another chance because they were in love and when she spoke to me I seemed to cheer her up. I always had feelings for her but I had tell all my friends many times that I was over her that I actually started to believe it myself. She went out with him for about 2 and a half years and in that time I was still affected and I never had a girlfriend. About 3 months ago we went out with group of friends and she let all her feelings out for me and I was absolutely gobsmacked because I had absolutely know idea that she felt that way. She told me that she always had feelings for me and that she was disappointed that I never tried to make her mine. That day we promised that in the future we'd try get together. It only took us 2 weeks because she was no longer in love with him. We never kissed until she was officially finished with him and I remember the first kiss like it was a minute ago it was absolutely remarkable. About a month later it was like puppy love, I remember telling her that when I say things to her that it just came out natural and the things that I was telling her she told me made her speechless and gave her butterflies. She gave me butterflies as well but I never told her. She used to tell me almost every day that I made her speechless and it made me feel like I was on top of the world, but it also made me scared of what would happen if I let her down. I felt pressure in some way. She also told me that she had never felt like that in a beginning of a relationship before and that was when I realised that she seriously liked me. I remember that there times when she would just smile at me for no reason and I would ask why she was smiling and she would say no reason but I understand now that she was falling for me and she was happy with me. I made her a lot of promises that I thought were easy to keep to because I knew I would never let her down because how much I cared for her. She had high expectations of me and I thought I could live up to them. But here comes the problem. I hate to admit it but I care too much for people. I put this front on that I don’t care but when someone is in need I like to comfort them. I couldn't believe that Alisha would want me because she was amazing and beautiful; I was so paranoid that I had forts in my head that I use to keep to work out why she was with me. The most stupid one was that he was still with her boyfriend and that they got bored and they thought to play a little game and mess around with me and pretend that Alisha had feelings for me and when I finally told her that I loved her she would tell me that she never really liked and it was just a joke. I hate to admit this as well but if that was actually the case I still wouldn't be mad at her because I would have loved the time I spent with her. Back to me caring for people, about 2 weeks ago I went to a drunk party thrown by my friend for a couple of my friends and there was a girl who was there who basically I feel is confused but believes she really likes me and that I'm the right person for her. She is also going through a lot of boyfriend troubles and she wanted some comfort and that's what I did. But she wanted more because she kept asking me to kiss her and I told her I couldn't because I had Alisha, then the girl started to cry more and that made me feel extremely bad because I was causing someone pain. At first even though I was resisting the best I could and kept trying to get up but she kept pushing me down and then she kissed me. I never kissed her back but I guess that doesn't matter and then I did something I did something I will forever regret. We didn't have sex but I pleasured her if you get what I mean. It lasted about 5 seconds and the second I realised what I had done I went straight home. The only people who really knew what happened that night include 2 of my best friend and a girl who just thinks we kissed. What happened would never have got to Alisha and everyone was telling me not to tell her because they knew who much we cared for each other. It sounds stupid but it was this that made me realize that I loved Alisha because the thought of me losing her came into my mind and it was so powerful. But when you love someone you can't lie and I told her what happened the next day. Understandably she went home because she wasn't really prepared to talk. I’m ashamed to say that the only time that I got to tell her I loved her was when I was telling her the bad thing I had done. I once mumbled that I loved her before when we were kissing but it was far too early in the relationship and I didn’t want to scare her off so I told her I was joking. Back to telling her, I txt her that night and told her that I was basically sorry and that I loved her and I would understand if she wanted to end it. 5 days later she messaged me back and told me that she would just like to be friends. Although I prepared myself for it the message was devastating. I messaged her telling her that I couldn't do that and that I wanted to explain. She told me that she wasn't ready to see me and that she couldn't trust me again because she basically put all her trust in me and I had basically broke the trust. She also said that she wouldn't be able to trust me the same again and that she didn’t want to be together in the future. That's when I began to beg, tried to come up with excuses and basically felt sorry for me. I've deleted the txt because if I kept looking at the them they would just continue to crush me but now I look back at it I feel like an idiot because I should have just understood that I had betrayed her and that she wasn't ready to hear about anything from me. I feel so dumb and I wish that stage could be redone because I would simply just tell her that I understand rather then come up with excuses because she deserves more. Her telling me that she couldn't trust me the same strangely hurt me more than her telling me that it was over. For 2 days I felt so sorry for myself I couldn't understand why I had done it and I also knew that if I could do it to the girl who I believe is perfect for me inside and out then I could do it to anyone. I did a lot of thinking and I looked for reasons rather than excuses and I found out that it links to my low self-esteem. Because my confidence with girls was knocked I never really knew how to take things further with girls and I began to shut down when things starting looking like they were getting serious and that never changed. Because I was comfortable around Alisha and I knew she like me back we did our things and she was the first person that I had done it with. Alisha knows that I'm low in confidence and that it kind of links to her in some way but I don’t think she knows the full extent. Although Alisha gave me all the affection in the world and I knew she wanted it back from me I was still felt low in confidence and my self esteem was still low. And I believe that's why I did what I did with that girl because I wanted to see if girls actually wanted me because I still believed that they didn't. Now I know the case but I have suffer the consequences. Also I have grown up with the worst example of a relationship in the form of my parents. They don't love each other and I know that the only reason that they are together is because they have children. They have gone through everything that a bad relationship has and that also includes my dad having an affair along with many many other things that they’ve done but that's a whole other story that I don't want to get into. I know loads of children grow up watching bad parents but with my confidence problems and watching my parents there was no way that I going to be fine and know what to do in my first serious relationship. Because of this I have decided that I'm going to get consoling/therapy so I get all my problems out because I haven't really told a living soul about my problems, not my best friends not even Alisha. You guys know more than my friend’s do, which shows how much I tell people my problems. I’m ashamed to talk about my problems and I feel like keeping it in for 19 years is now causing me more problems so I decided to get the help so it doesn't affect me in the future. I messaged her almost two weeks ago now and I told her was that I would leave her alone. But she said it wouldn't be normal to be out of each other’s lives, she's just disappointed because she thought I was going to show the her good side to a relationship and that she already didn't have a good view of men after her previous relationships. I know I'm going to see her Tuesday because she has planned something for our friends and she said he didn't mind if I still came. But then I messaged her yesterday and I asked if I could speak to her face to face 2morrow and she still hasn't replied. I've recently gone through a proper angry stage where I've wanted to smash everything around me and I feel like I need to finally to let everything out of me but the only person I can tell it to is Alisha and she isn't prepared to talk to me, it's like I'm at a dead end and there's no where to go and no one to talk to. I don’t really know what to do when I see her but I know the next step that is going to be taken to get her trust back. I’m going to make it up to her whatever it takes. I'm 110% committed to making it up to her, although she may not believe me I'm going to tell her that I understand how she feels and explain it to her because I know the type of person she is. I know she's disappointed, betrayed, fed up with boys, has lost trust in boys and that could also affect her future relationships which I don’t want to happen because I want her to be happy in the future. She literally had all her trust in me and I know she trusted me more than she probably trusted her best friend, in fact I believe that I might of became her best friend and me doing something like that is going to kill her inside. I'm so annoyed that it took something like this for me to realise how she really must have felt and how much she much trust she had in me but that's the story of my life. So now before even trying to win her back I want to get back her trust, that is now my life number 1 priority. She trusted me so much and she really relied on me and I want her to have that person back. Like I said before I don't care what it takes I'm going to get her trust back even if it means I have to move mountains, there is nothing that she could ask me to do and I wouldn't do it. I fully understand that it will take a lot of time but I am willing to wait till eternity for her to feel like she can trust me again. I just hope she gives me the chance to earn her trust back. I feel like this going to turn me into a man in some way because I know I will be making a lot less mistakes in the future if I work everything out properly. Alisha is my ideal woman, yes she is outstandingly beautiful but it goes way beyond that. She has the world’s best personality, she is so caring and always wants the best for the people around her and she likes to get her point across and is passionate but at the same time she is fragile and wants protecting and I would love nothing more to be that person for her but if she cannot be happy with me then I have to understand. I know the first stage to getting her trust back but I'd like not to keep it private, once I've got her trust back I hope to get her back but I'm not expecting to and I’ve come to terms with that. I know miracles DO happen because I had her when it was against all odds but they look like they only come around once every 19 years because she’s the only miracle to come into my life and I might be pushing my luck asking for 2 miracles so soon. I feel like me and her are being tested because we are amazingly perfect for each other but we have gone through so much negativity and we haven’t even been together properly yet, me and her have so much potential to do good things together and it's like were being tested to prove we can get through the bad and be strong before me and her bring the good to the world. If you read me and her like a book, the negative chapters far outweigh the positive factors but I promise I will do everything I can to make the end of the book so positive that you forget the negative. Me and her will HAVE a happy ending whether were together or not that's a promise I won't break.
BCCA Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 If you want more responses, try not to write a novel...no offense, but I couldn't read all of it - I skimmed and got what was going on. You're her 'fallback guy'. She isn't interested in you seriously, but you fill a void when she's having problems with another guy or in a rut. All that stuff she told you about having feelings for you wasn't the whole truth. She thinks you're a good guy and can see the good in you, but when she tried to turn that into having a relationship together, she realized its not what she wants from you. You did yourself a big disservice by pretending to be ok with her dating other people and you being her friend. That's not what you wanted and it never will be. You had unreturned feelings for her, and that sucks, but you need to understand that this girl will continue to dissapoint you, if you let her. Either accept that you'll only be friends, or stay away from her. I think you should do the latter.
Author Spikey2 Posted June 19, 2011 Author Posted June 19, 2011 Yh sorry about that but I felt like I had to say everything for you to understand the whole story. I also felt like I was a rebound at one point but she left him for me and she said things like I've never felt like this at the beginning of a relastionship before. Do you think I'm just using this to male myself feel better about that?
coolheadal Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 I read this story pretty long, I thought I was bad. But I know you had to get the story out there for us here to understand what's going on. Your best bet is just keep your distance and don't get caught up into her dating other guys advice columns. You need to worry about yourself no her. You can be friends but don't try to go deeper than that. She's looking something you don't have and that's why she dates those other guys.
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